Page 14 | Excluding a friend?

StephPlum · 2024-02-20T13:16:21+00:00

In the last few years my friendship group has settled into a nice little group of 5. We have a WhatsApp that's busy with chat and support and we often get together with or without families. Husbands all get along too. Before Xmas friend 1 told friend 2 that she's moving her child to a new school because of bullying that friend 2's child was involved in. Friend 1 insisted she didn't want to fall out, but friend 2 was upset, said it was all liesbso they had words and friend 1 left the WhatsApp. Friend 1 has kept in touch with everyone except friend 2. When sending invites to stuff friend 1 includes everyone (Inc. Friend 2, who won't join in). Friend 2 won't join anything that friend 1 is involved in. So we've had a few get together with just friend 2. Friend 1 found out about this and is really upset. She thinks they should both be included in everything, and that we are actually preventing a reconciliation by enabling friend 2 to just leave her out. She left the WhatsApp group herself but is now feeling excluded. If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us. Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

CommentNow · 20/02/2024 16:12

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:01

No I don't think they are false as such. I believe that friend 1 is convinced that her child was being bullied and I think her child was genuinely having a difficult time. I know from my own child as well as from friend 1 that her child was moved away from friend 2's and know from 1 and 2 that friend 2s child was spoken to about not leaving friends out etc.

I just know both friend 1 and friend 2 well, and it was always going to upset friend 2 to hear this about her child (she's quite overly attached as a parent, kids don't do sleepovers, they don't have babysitters etc). Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

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Yeah, maybe everyone should just stay quiet for convenience. Friend 1s daughter should have stayed quiet about being pushed out. It's a hame she didnt just carry on going to school, feeling victimised, and coming home with a smile so noone was inconvenienced.

Friend 2 is out of order. Pander if you want but one day it will bite you.

theilltemperedclavecinist · 20/02/2024 16:11

Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

And you really can't decide which of them to dump. Really????

ETA obviously just put F1 back on WhatsApp then invite everyone to everything.

MississippiAF · 20/02/2024 16:10

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:01

No I don't think they are false as such. I believe that friend 1 is convinced that her child was being bullied and I think her child was genuinely having a difficult time. I know from my own child as well as from friend 1 that her child was moved away from friend 2's and know from 1 and 2 that friend 2s child was spoken to about not leaving friends out etc.

I just know both friend 1 and friend 2 well, and it was always going to upset friend 2 to hear this about her child (she's quite overly attached as a parent, kids don't do sleepovers, they don't have babysitters etc). Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

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Everything you write about Friend 2 just makes her sound increasingly awful

CommentNow · 20/02/2024 16:09

So friend 1s child was bullied enough to move school and is still prepared to he civil, but friend 2, whose child didnt have to go through that upheaval, is soooooo devastated she cant be in a room with friend 1...right. ok.

Well I'd be firmly with friend 1. She is less drama and therefore far far more likely to have been pragmatic even playing down the bullying compared to drama queen friend 2 who is clearly trying to manipulate you all into 1 to 1 meet ups so friend 1 eventually thinks, sod this, and friend 2 feds everyone to herself and doesnt need to even be civil. It's an obvious ploy and you would be a sucker to fall for it.

Original poster

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:01

user1984778379202 · 20/02/2024 15:51

I find it baffling Friend 1 would want to continue a friendship with Friend 2 considering the bullying was so bad she felt forced to move schools. I wouldn't want my kid around their bully even in a social situation. I'd be stepping back from the group and forging new mum friendships at the new school.

I can see it from Friend 2's point of view. Her DC has swore blind it wasn't bullying and the old school/witnesses seem to back that. Friend 1 moving their DC makes Friend 2's DC look guilty.

I don't understand why you've said Friend 1 shouldn't have said anything, @StephPlum. Do you think the bullying accusations were false?

Edited

No I don't think they are false as such. I believe that friend 1 is convinced that her child was being bullied and I think her child was genuinely having a difficult time. I know from my own child as well as from friend 1 that her child was moved away from friend 2's and know from 1 and 2 that friend 2s child was spoken to about not leaving friends out etc.

I just know both friend 1 and friend 2 well, and it was always going to upset friend 2 to hear this about her child (she's quite overly attached as a parent, kids don't do sleepovers, they don't have babysitters etc). Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

OP posts:

JCLV · 20/02/2024 16:01

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 13:55

If it was me I would have kept quiet really. I don't really understand why she had to tell friend 2 at all

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Why should friend one keep quiet about her son being bullied. Sounds like you are pussyfooting around friend 2.

DaisyHaites · 20/02/2024 15:58

Friend 2 is being ridiculous. My best friend as a child was the daughter of a close friend of my mum. Then she turned into my bully, and her mum didn’t really believe it/me. She stayed good friends with my mum though, and my mum with her, because they didn’t see the need to fall out over it.

20 years later, she did concede that it was probably her daughter instigated it all but we’ve all moved on since.

Friend 2 should realise that even if she thinks Friend’s 1 child is a liar, then that isn’t a reflection on any of the adults in this situation. Is she really suggesting that Friend 1 shouldn’t believe her unhappy daughter because she’s friends with another adult not directly involved in the situation?

But the way Friend 2 is acting does suggest that she doesn’t really understand what being inclusive, kind and tolerant to others actually looks like and so it’s not unbelievable that she would miss the same behaviours in her daughter.

You should talk to Friend 2 and explain no one thinks worse of her, hence you still going out of your way to include her, but that you will no longer be splitting the friendship group and suggest she reconciles with Friend 1.

user1984778379202 · 20/02/2024 15:51

I find it baffling Friend 1 would want to continue a friendship with Friend 2 considering the bullying was so bad she felt forced to move schools. I wouldn't want my kid around their bully even in a social situation. I'd be stepping back from the group and forging new mum friendships at the new school.

I can see it from Friend 2's point of view. Her DC has swore blind it wasn't bullying and the old school/witnesses seem to back that. Friend 1 moving their DC makes Friend 2's DC look guilty.

I don't understand why you've said Friend 1 shouldn't have said anything, @StephPlum. Do you think the bullying accusations were false?

DailyEnergyCrisis · 20/02/2024 15:47

Sounds like you perhaps like friend 2 more as it does feel like you’re more sympathetic to her situation when friend 1 has had the stress and upset of a child being bullied, moving schools and trying to navigate the friendship group without refusing to see friend 2 which is not being reciprocated. I think it’s fine to pick a side based on who you like more, feel closer to etc but don’t pretend it’s all about being fair and impartial.

Original poster

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 15:47

Dontbeme · 20/02/2024 15:41

Why would Friend 1 need to lie though, to what end?
Why would anyone disrupt the education of their child, disrupt the routine and friendship group of that child for what?
What theory has Friend 2 put forward that explains why Friend 1 would lie and do all this?

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I've asked the same and friend 2 switches between the Child being the only liar and the Mum being jealous or her and wanting to hurt her.
If I'm really objective I don't really believe either.
I don't think friend 1 handled it at all well with friend 2 but I don't believe she or her child intentionally lied.

OP posts:

Original poster

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 15:42

MayThe4th · 20/02/2024 15:26

you’re friend2 aren’t you OP.

No I'm really just stuck in the middle

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Dontbeme · 20/02/2024 15:41

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 15:15

This is exactly the point friend 2 made to me, and also suggested it added weight to her argument that friend 1 wasn't being truthful. If the whole thing was true she wouldn't actually want to socialise with the group as a whole.
Friend 1 was hoping the kids friendship.would improve following the school change and things could get back to normal- she said anyway.
I don't know where to go.with it

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Why would Friend 1 need to lie though, to what end?
Why would anyone disrupt the education of their child, disrupt the routine and friendship group of that child for what?
What theory has Friend 2 put forward that explains why Friend 1 would lie and do all this?

Original poster

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 15:41

PossumintheHouse · 20/02/2024 15:24

I’ve lost patience with you now. Are you actually reading the responses to this thread? You’ve sided with the twatty one.

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I'm sorry I am reading all your responses. They are helping I am giving them consideration

OP posts:

Onabench · 20/02/2024 15:31

The only answer is to take a stand and insist on everyone being invited to everything. Add F1 back into the group chat. Stop pandering to F2. They are embarrassed by their childs behaviour and are instead acting like a bully to ignore the situation.

No happy child lies about bullying to the extant of moving schools. It is actually not an easy thing to do under such circumstances and the school will have had a lot of involvement in the move itself, so it isn’t likely it is “all lies”. Of course F1 should have told F2. I can’t believe anyone with children would think otherwise. Surely it would have become a topic of conversation eventually, given your children attend the same school? I can’t see how she could have navigated that conversation without lying about the bullying.

RiceRiceMaybe · 20/02/2024 15:31

IcyCat · 20/02/2024 14:09

So you have taken a side OP.

You obviously think friend 1 has caused the problems in the friendship by not “keeping quiet”, despite friend 1’s child being the victim in this?

The actual problem has been caused by friend 2’s child and by extension their parent, who has not only allowed their child to bully another so severely that they were forced to move schools, but now also blamed the victim and their mother for this falling out.

Presumably friend 1 thought that since they were friends with the other child’s parent, they would be able to have a rational discussion with them and hopefully resolve the issue. Friend 2 has instead decided to escalate things by calling them and their child a liar and now is trying to oust them from the friendship group. With friends like this who needs enemies!

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IcyCat has it In a nut shell.

MayThe4th · 20/02/2024 15:26

you’re friend2 aren’t you OP.

bottomsup12 · 20/02/2024 15:26

acatcalledjohn · 20/02/2024 14:28

This is baffling.

Friend 1 decided to move her year 6 child to a different school. Moving schools in the last year of primary seems a last resort and very disruptive for the child.
Friend 1 explained to friend 2 why she has done so (fair) and also explained she doesn't want to fall out over it (also fair).
Friend 1 has left the WhatsApp group because of friend 2's reaction to the previous point.
Friend 1 stands by what she has said and still doesn't exclude friend 2.

Friend 2 gets upset because you all went to something friend 1 invited you all to and she chose to not go.

If you cannot see how manipulative friend 2 is being then you are blind. Friend 2 is only crying because she isn't being pandered to. I can totally see how, with that as a role model, her son ended up siding with bullies.

Nothing friend 1 has done is unacceptable. She has been factual, kind and inclusive.

This!

Macaroni46 · 20/02/2024 15:25

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 13:40

I've been trying to encourage friend 1 to make more of an effort to resolve things. She is saying that she reached out a few times before Xmas with no response and beyond ensuring friend 2 isn't left out she's not really interested now in more than getting to a point where they can be polite to each other for everyone else's sake. I feel like she is being a cold about it all to be honest. She has lots of other friends so isn't missing out as much.

Friend 2 is utterly devasted, feels betrayed by friend 1 and that everyone will now think badly of her and her child. She said she is anxious all the time of bumping into friend 1.
Friend 1 invited us all to hers recently and friend 2 was so upset we all went.
If we invite them both friend 1 will come, which means 2 won't and then 2 will be so upset. She's definitely finding the whole thing harder than friend 1.

Friend 2 needs to get over herself and reflect on her and her DC's behaviour. She sounds self-absorbed. More worried about her reputation then who she or her child have actually hurt. I'd steer clear of her. She's shown her true colours!

PossumintheHouse · 20/02/2024 15:24

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 15:15

This is exactly the point friend 2 made to me, and also suggested it added weight to her argument that friend 1 wasn't being truthful. If the whole thing was true she wouldn't actually want to socialise with the group as a whole.
Friend 1 was hoping the kids friendship.would improve following the school change and things could get back to normal- she said anyway.
I don't know where to go.with it

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I’ve lost patience with you now. Are you actually reading the responses to this thread? You’ve sided with the twatty one.

TheSoundThatIWasHearing · 20/02/2024 15:21

This happened to me a long time ago. I was in friendship group of 3, and friend A suddenly did something to me that was unbelievably nasty. Friend B announced she was staying out of it and being neutral. I thought sod that - friend B can't be much of a friend of she'll stand by and let that happen to me without a word. So I ended both friendships.

They stayed in touch with each other, but a few years later friend A did exactly the same to friend B. No surprise there. I got a message through the grapevine, I think with the intention that I was supposed to get back in touch and sympathise with her. No thank you.
I guess that's a long way of saying that it's unlikely that you will all stay friends. When shit like this happens, there's rarely a way for anyone to come out of it unaffected.

bottomsup12 · 20/02/2024 15:17

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 13:40

I've been trying to encourage friend 1 to make more of an effort to resolve things. She is saying that she reached out a few times before Xmas with no response and beyond ensuring friend 2 isn't left out she's not really interested now in more than getting to a point where they can be polite to each other for everyone else's sake. I feel like she is being a cold about it all to be honest. She has lots of other friends so isn't missing out as much.

Friend 2 is utterly devasted, feels betrayed by friend 1 and that everyone will now think badly of her and her child. She said she is anxious all the time of bumping into friend 1.
Friend 1 invited us all to hers recently and friend 2 was so upset we all went.
If we invite them both friend 1 will come, which means 2 won't and then 2 will be so upset. She's definitely finding the whole thing harder than friend 1.

Sounds like friend 2 is playing victim and manipulating you all. Friend 2 sounds like a bully as well as her child

Original poster

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 15:15

MiddleParking · 20/02/2024 14:46

It’s that bit in brackets that I think is kind of crucial though. Realistically, there is only one way for friend 2 to maintain her other friendships in a way that’s any way comfortable. I think if you want to be close friends with other parents at your child’s school, you’re going to have to be pragmatic about how you land any uncomfortable child-based stuff with those parents - I don’t think you can reasonably expect your friend to say oh so sorry your child thinks mine’s an awful bully and you’re moving them in year 6 because of it, see you tomorrow for bottomless brunch.

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This is exactly the point friend 2 made to me, and also suggested it added weight to her argument that friend 1 wasn't being truthful. If the whole thing was true she wouldn't actually want to socialise with the group as a whole.
Friend 1 was hoping the kids friendship.would improve following the school change and things could get back to normal- she said anyway.
I don't know where to go.with it

OP posts:

MississippiAF · 20/02/2024 15:15

Friend 2 sounds incredibly manipulative. She's already succeeded in getting you all to exclude Friend 1 and still acts as though she is somehow the victim in all of this.m

And Friend 2’s DC is showing signs of being exactly the same. This is how it works. Eventually when the dust settles in time, you’ll see exactly which friend is always causing surrounded by drama. And this involves being SO SO SO upset at this situation.

weefella · 20/02/2024 15:13

Friend 2 sounds incredibly manipulative. She's already succeeded in getting you all to exclude Friend 1 and still acts as though she is somehow the victim in all of this.

Invite both friends to group events. If Friend 2 chooses not to go, then that's the choice that she needs to live with.

BeachBeerBbq · 20/02/2024 15:12

Who needs nemies with mates like this😶

Shame on you and feel sorry for F1 (someone has to since none of you seem to be!)