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Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

289 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
LeaderBee · 18/09/2023 16:27

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 16:16

It's pretty unusual for a mortgage to be under £300, are you being sarcastic?

That said I'd never charge an adult child age under about 21 £300, if anything. If they are not saving for a house then I would once older than that, if they had no intention of buying or renting a house after say 25, then they can pay an equal share compared to all other adults.

Show quote history

No, my home was £105k and I put down a 30k deposit. my premiums are pretty low.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 16:26

@fishonabicycle again another conversation with him (though might as well be with myself) I have had over, and over again. Literally lives in cloud cuckoo land. Hasn't helped his grandparents promised him £2000 when he turned 18, and have now refused to give it to him until they decide he can have it. I do feel slightly responsible for him being dropped like that, and have offered to give him money for Christmas towards it. Won't be 2 grand though! Or anywhere near. More of a control aspect from my parents.

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 18/09/2023 16:25

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

It's not awful.
In many cases adult children are better off than their parents, and teaching kids no-one gets a free ride is part of patenting.
I disagree with expecting kids in full time education to work, in order to contribute, if its not totally necessary. Some MN seem to think all kids over 16 should pay. But if the family cannot manage otherwise what are the options?

Even if he was claiming benefits I would expect much of that to be used to pay for the cost of living at home.

Findyourneutralspace · 18/09/2023 16:23

YANBU. When I have to get harsh on my older son, who still lives at home, I tell him it’s ‘tough love’ and I’m doing him no favours by babying him.
Try that approach, but stick to your guns.

fishonabicycle · 18/09/2023 16:22

And of course he should be contributing in some way if he can - helping out with chores etc.

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 16:22

Lizzieregina · 18/09/2023 16:07

@NotAMug because I want to. She isn’t aware she’s going to get it back, she assumes it was rent as agreed. I’m in a financial position to return it and I don’t need her to wait until I’m dead!

Obviously, you wouldn't do it otherwise.

Just seems odd that you would if she has just wasted it. At least she's paying it without complaining I guess.

Iforgotmyusernameagainandagain · 18/09/2023 16:21

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Any age? I used to work in Housing Benefits and saw many a pensioner in weeping because their ADULT over 40 sons were living at home and refused to give their mothers anything for their keep. They also wouldn't send in their payslips to prove if their income was low, which at least would have reduced the amount of benefit that was stopped for having working age adults living in their home. How old does one have to be to stop being a child that a parent is expected to keep?

I specifically said sons because they always were their sons.

fishonabicycle · 18/09/2023 16:21

Surely he is going to have to work to save money to go travelling? You can't seriously be paying for that?

StrongTea · 18/09/2023 16:21

Grandson who is well paid 2nd year apprentice pays £150 a month. He says most of his friends pay nothing. They are in for a big shock when they leave home.

Avatartar · 18/09/2023 16:20

Ok so they won’t pay you towards bills. Why don’t you tell them in that case you need to sell up and downsize or if renting tell LL you can’t afford it and need somewhere smaller for you- the bill payer and your DCs can find their own homes and pay that way

Pootle40 · 18/09/2023 16:19

I gave my mum £60 in 1993 when my monthly take home pay was £340. Yep £340 a month net pay! So one fifth(ish) 30 years ago. She was a single disabled parent and I fully expected to give her money as soon as I was earning.

MikeRafone · 18/09/2023 16:18

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

There is no charge for living at home - any adult child needs to contribute to their own upkeep, unless they have special needs and are unable to contribute.

Life isn't free and we all need to contribute something, thats if we are decent human beings. I did't bring up gold diggers and they contribute for their own self esteem and moral being

skyeisthelimit · 18/09/2023 16:18

OP, don't take any notice of anyone saying that you shouldn't charge your DC to live at home. As I always say on these type of posts, they aren't living your life with your finances. Some people have no grasp that others can be tight for money.

Tell him that a "gap year" isn't for lying in bed all day, it's to earn money towards his travelling which he needs to fund himself because you can't afford to.

Talk to him about his expectations and your expectations and how he is an adult now and needs to start looking after himself.

£20 a week is nothing. He should also be paying for his own mobile phone.

If he doesn't like then, then ask him to look into house shares to see how much that would cost him if that was his only choice.

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 16:16

LeaderBee · 18/09/2023 16:11

I used to pay maybe £300 p/m for living at home, it was a bit much but I thought fair enough.

Now i'm an adult i'm confused where all that money was going; My mortgage is less than that, all my utilities for the month (water, gas, electricity) come to maybe just under £100 and then food, internet and phone contract probably bring that to just over £200 so £550 a month, ish?

Why as a young adult living at home am I paying for obviously way more than my share of water, gas, electricity and food and then obviously some of the mortgage on top of that?

Show quote history

It's pretty unusual for a mortgage to be under £300, are you being sarcastic?

That said I'd never charge an adult child age under about 21 £300, if anything. If they are not saving for a house then I would once older than that, if they had no intention of buying or renting a house after say 25, then they can pay an equal share compared to all other adults.

Stimpend · 18/09/2023 16:15

ahhh the "I was just about to do that"s drive me demented!

I'm sorry you have had such a difficult time battling through these last months.

Might it help a little to give him an element of choice - maybe a choice of chores or cash? If he picks chores then he needs to pay if he doesn't follow through. I know it's yet another stab at the same old argument but he might be more receptive this way. Sometimes you need a "third way" out so he can cave without losing face

weirdoboelady · 18/09/2023 16:15

May I just check a couple of extra things - well, one really.

  • how old is your other DC? Still at school or a FT student? Thought so
  • Does this mean that your 18 year old is no longer a FT student, so you are no longer entitled to single person's council tax discount?
  • How much is this, just by itself, costing you each month? (Or will it cost you, if this comes as bad news?)
  • So is £20 a week still enough for DS to contribute? I suspect not....
NewFriendlyLadybird · 18/09/2023 16:15

My own son’s gap year was stymied by Covid but the plan had been: work as hard as possible to save up money for travelling and a slush fund for university.

No way should your son be expecting you to finance his travel.

In an ideal world I’m sure you wouldn’t want to ask him for a contribution, but given the cost of living AND given that he’s refusing to work more than 16 hours a week, I’d say that it’s more than reasonable that he should make this relatively small contribution. If he wants more spending money he can earn it.

I think this age is more difficult even than younger teenage years, as they really can’t decide if they properly want to grow up or not. But it’s not a choice! Good luck. He will thank you in the future for sticking to your guns.

Pootle40 · 18/09/2023 16:15

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Join the real world. It's not awful.

whynotwhatknot · 18/09/2023 16:14

hes a lazy rude litle shit-he wants a gap year tolaze about by the sounds of it

tel him its 20 a week or he can move out and pay market rent

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 16:14

Sillymummies123 · 18/09/2023 16:09

I go back and forth on this (I don't have children anywhere near that age, but this is a subject that's occupied my mind since I was that age myself and asked to contribute).

I remember I felt pretty sad when I was asked to contribute. I was working a job I couldn't stand, had no idea what I was going to do with my future and generally was horribly depressed. I had mapped out how long I would have to work in order to stop working and do some travelling, and it wasn't the money as such that hurt - I felt like I wasn't as safe with my family. Like - parents should always be there to catch you if you fall, and as an adult I'd absolutely offer to contribute if I had to move back in now - but 18 isn't old enough to have made that decision to go out into the world and be independent, and by asking for money, it felt to me like that decision was being made for me.

Having said that, I was asked for 200 a month some ten years ago, so hardly 80£ in 2023.

Practical hint: what about asking him to buy some groceries each week? A more tangible contribution than what, I'm sure to him, feels like a tax for being born. Maybe give him some responsibility like paying for set weekly groceries, some bill that he is accruing or something like that?

This all just screams of "failure to accept you are now an adult". "A tax for being born" is what all other adults have to pay, and I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate being considered a child in other ways, can't have it both ways and think you have an actual leg to stand on. At a certain point, you just have to grow up.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 18/09/2023 16:14

Tough love is required OP. He neds a short, sharp shock that life isn't free and £20 is a small price to pay for his keep.

VickyEadieofThigh · 18/09/2023 16:13

OP, I do hope you're making it clear to DS that you will NOT be funding his travelling holiday!

Because I shall be having a stern talk with you if not...

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/09/2023 16:13

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

FFS. I see single Mums regularly who are about to be evicted because they are behind in the rent and then it turns out they have adult DC at home who aren't contributing.

Of course an adult should know how to budget for the house, what the rent/mortgage is and the bills and contribute. He's 18, not 8.

UndercoverCop · 18/09/2023 16:12

I had a gap year and didn't pay keep during it. However I had a full time job and part time bar work on top. Other than the odd night out and a week long holiday with friends the rest went towards supporting myself at uni because my parents couldn't. I saved over 20k that year and that was twenty years ago. I also did my fair share of family laundry, housework and did a lot of the cooking. I was an adult and contributed to the household any way I could. I was grateful to my parents for not charging me and wouldn't have dreamed of being so entitled.

He's lazy. £20 PW is nothing, if he was working hard and saving as well as being a functioning adult it might be different but he's not.

LeaderBee · 18/09/2023 16:11

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I used to pay maybe £300 p/m for living at home, it was a bit much but I thought fair enough.

Now i'm an adult i'm confused where all that money was going; My mortgage is less than that, all my utilities for the month (water, gas, electricity) come to maybe just under £100 and then food, internet and phone contract probably bring that to just over £200 so £550 a month, ish?

Why as a young adult living at home am I paying for obviously way more than my share of water, gas, electricity and food and then obviously some of the mortgage on top of that?

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