18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

I have noticed that once kids have had to live on their own , their attitudes change dramatically

He can do what he pleases

But if he chooses to live with you then he has to follow your rules and pay his way

If he choses not to do those things he is choosing to live elsewhere

Yep, no one lives somewhere for free, my two DS’ pay £150 pmth each.

Where do you suggests she craps the money from then?

Because that child benefit/other benefits you get for them. Suddenly stops, that's a few hundred quid a month down. They still need feeding and clothing? I'd love to see where you expect this extra money comes from?

If you were to say "If you can't contribute £80 a month, I'm going to have to ask you to move out so I can rent your room out to someone who can pay". Even better if you've looked at OpenRent to see how much you could get for renting it out.

"Sorry DS, but I just can't afford to keep you any more. If I carry on like this I fear my health issues returning. If you can't contribute £80 you'll have to move out so I can get £300 a month in rent for your room".

What would he say? Would he realise that it will cost him a lot more in money and effort to live somewhere else?

I think you're being generous for £80 a month. Imagine how much your costs would go down if he didn't live with you at all!

Write down. On paper, in front of him.

What would be rent

£500pcm
£110 council tax
Gas 120 a month
Electricity 130 a month
Food shopping £150 a month
Internet...

And so on.

He needs to learn how the real world works.

I had similar with my ds who's now 21. He decided to tell me to fuck off and moved out, he's struggling. Has asked to come home (for other reasons I've told him no, stealing lying destroying my property) now he's learning the hard way. He said he wishes he was back home paying £150 a month!

I doubt he's make a go of university by the sound of it. He should go out and find his own place, financed by his own proper job.

My 25 year old gives me £500 a month, it is what she said. She pays her bus fare to work and pays for her phone. Also she has far much more money saved, that she could move out.

OK, but this is really unusual these days so not a comparable scenario, my mortgage was similar when I first bought. Now mortgages are much more likely to be closer to £700-1000. To rent a 2 bedroom terraced house, no parking, where I live is around £1100 a month!

Just read your update.

I would tell him that he can't rely on the money from your DPs. It would be nice to have but he can't budget with money that might never appear.

If he's thinking of going to Uni, have you both looked at how much loan he'd be entitled to and what the costs of accommodation are where he wants to go?

Has he worked out how much he'll need in the bank? If he gets full loan I'd make it very clear now that you're not topping him up. If you have a look at his budget for Uni now, he'll have a good while to earn enough money to save.

Has he worked out how much he'll need for travelling too? Flights, transport, insurance, accommodation and spending money?

I think if you work out all of this with him it might help to focus his mind a little?

Actually he should be paying keep and helping around the house. He can do his own washing , clean the bathroom and kitchen for starters.

What a totally ignorant comment.

We don’t charge our adult child (doing an apprenticeship) any money. If he was in bed until midday on a ‘gap year’ though, I would be extremely annoyed and would expect him to be proactively seeking employment of more than 16 hours a week. I’d probably use the contribution to the household as a threat. It must be frustrating.

He had the gall to tell you that you should be doing everything when you were off ill? He sounds like an entitled shit and you need to show some tough love.

A gap year? No it's him checking out of doing anything year. He's had enough time off so he needs to man up and get a proper job, pay for his keep and I very much doubt he'll be able to go travelling. For one, he doesn't sound as he's mature enough to either organise it or to actually be able to be out there on his own.

KicK him out and see if he can find anywhere for £20 a week.

If you genuinely think a struggling parent should support an ADULT who has left education, doesn't lift a finger at home, and is working the bare minimum of hours (16 in this case) while planning to do absolutely nothing except have lie ins and travel with his friends (with what money, exactly???), then you will be contributing the sloth like entitlement we see in so many entitled 18/19/20 year olds who behave similarly.

He's an ADULT. He won't be 'helping' around the house, which he isn't' he'll be doing his share as an adult who isn't in full time education or work.

OP, give him his rota or chores/contributions to the household, tell him he'll be paying X amount per week out of his pay while he's not in education, or he can find a bedsit which will cost him quite a bit more overall.

He needs a plan. Mooching off of you and doing sweet fuck all is not a plan.

Tell him it's FOFO time:

fork out or fuck off

Stand your ground on this OP.

I would suggest a percentage. He may get a well paid job but will likely still give £20 a week.

Personally my kids were expected to contribute 30% of their income.

He should also be doing his own laundry and helping with cleaning, regularly, consistently and without being reminded.

Can you stop paying for phone contract, any subscriptions and food only he eats? I would also show him how much extra the council tax has increased each month so you are clear that you are just expecting the difference between him living with you and away from you.

I just wanted to say that you are being entirely reasonable and he should be contributing and helping.

Many teenagers at this age are just so involved with themselves, that their behaviour can be hurtful to even the most perfect of parents.

There is a good chance this is not who he is forever. Please take consolation that in a few years he may even remember this time and realise what an arse he was being!

Im so sorry to hear you have been ill and I hope that you manage to sort things out with him soon. Stay strong.

I paid my parents £25 a week back in 2003. I didn't know at the time but they saved it all up and gave it to me towards my deposit on my first flat. But I never begrudged paying it - they were feeding me, doing my washing, I had a lovely warm bedroom, as many baths and showers as I wanted, clean towels, washed and ironed bedding, cooked meals. All I had to do was get used to working full-time with no other pressure.

Of course you should charge him - he sounds like a lazy bugger who needs some life lessons!

@TheBarbieEffect

what if your offspring wanted to live with you when they were 45 rent free whilst they work a few hours per week?
would you be ok with that?! No?? Thought not