18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

If he’s only working 16 hours a week he needs to find another 20+.

You don’t think able-bodied adults should contribute to their own upkeep?

Disagree with your first paragraph but agree with the second.

Time for OPs son to grow up and pay his way. Even if I could afford to not charge, I would on principle. £20pw is very reasonable imho.

I get that ( all kids cost moneyall of their lives).but if he only working 16 hours a week I wouldn't say he raking it in and 20 pounds a week is probably a huge chunk of money. he left school when mid July probably ? about 2 months ago its a shock to the system and most boys are not that mature. op says she was very ill aswell and am sure this affected him aswell. I am saying to have a bit of respect on bothe sides try and see both sides of story and come to a working compromise so all the family can live in peace in teh home.

My kids already know that when they start work full time and arent at school they will be expected to pay board (we were talking about mortgages with the eldest and things like that, I didnt just randomly announce it).
Personally we are in a position that we will actually save it and give it back to them at some point.
Anyway, onto your issue. I think I would stop funding anything for him. Phone/Gym/anything you pay, he can start paying them. Also, I would be telling him that unless he gets his act together and cleans up after himself then you will no longer provide food, he can use his two legs and his own money to get that himself. Same with washing, he can do his own. Anything left around the house goes in the bin. Be ruthless. He is 18, not 8. At least that way it is less mess to clean and it might make him think. Tell him he pays £20 or finds somewhere else to live. It sounds like he needs the harsh word and harsh actions, change the wifi password too, he contributes or gets out

You're not being unreasonable op. If he's working then he should be paying board, regardless of how many hours he works.
I used to take 20% of my kids wages. In return they got..
A nice warm home with their own bedroom.
Electricity.
Gas.
Water.
Council tax (they'd have to pay it if they lived in their own place )
WiFi.
Food.
Drink.
Toiletries.
Cleaning service.
Laundry service.
Chef in the kitchen.
Repairs done ( again, they would have to pay if they owned a place )
Bank of mum & dad for interest free loans.
Taxi service.
Looking at that lot, I'd love to live somewhere that only charged me 20% of my earnings to live there.
So no op, you're not being unreasonable.

It's not awful at all. OP is a single parent who needs the money, and it also sounds like her son could benefit from learning a bit about the adult world. He's 18, not a child.

If he's on a gap year, and there's no extenuating circumstances, I would expect him to be working full time, saving the bulk of it to pay for expenses in college, paying a notional amount for keep now and having a similar amount for spending.

@Wexone he is costing her money now, she loses the 25% single occupancy adult on her council tax as it doesn't matter if it is a child, once they hit 18 a full charge is raised. As a student in sixth form he would be exempt from the charge, likewise at uni. He is on a gap year so isn't eligible for a student exemption.

She has also now lost her child benefit payment of £24 per week too, because it stops being paid once they leave sixth form.

She cannot cover this money herself and has asked him for a measly £20 per week. Ds is at uni, his food for him alone is £35 per week.

@missmatch23 Stand firm, you are absolutely doing the right thing. As an equivalent maybe you could have a look on https://www.spareroom.co.uk/ to show him what renting a room in a house in your area would cost him. He might start to realise that £20 a week is a bargain, has he seen the price of cheese?

At his age I was paying £300 per month to my mum, running a car and saving for a flat on ~£1200 per month - not unreasonable in the slightest!

My son (adult, married two children, Masters degree) recently thanked me for making him pay part of his "dole" money. He gave up a uni course and was settling into doing nothing. We told him he was no longer a student so had to pay. (no cigs yes he smoked) He was into a more suitable course very soon! He now sees we made him face adult responsibilities.

I think sit down with him and have a discussion about him going travelling and where he wants to go, will he be able to find work whilst away, how much it is going to cost and how to get the money to pay for it.
Look at places that do freelance hospitality or other types of work, especially with Christmas coming up. Look at how many hours he needs to work to put away enough to set off sometime in the New Year/Feb or March

If you can get him out of the house working and getting the buzz of earning money it will probably save you money and help him to grow up in the long run.

Could you make a deal with him.

You will take £10 per week and he gets more work either full time or working as close to full time hours as he can and he comes up with the money to go travelling
Set a notional date of when he wants to set off E.g. 15 February 2024 and if he isn’t on his way or at least got his flight tickets and some itinerary together then he needs to prepare to live somewhere else

Sometimes even as adults we need that help to guide us and push us to do something that we would regret not doing. Their is a finite few years to do this sort of thing

Is there a forum he can join that discusses gap year travelling.

I think the danger is he is going to regret the year off doing nothing when he starts uni and other people are talking about their travel experiences.

You say you had severe depression. Could this have affected him.

OP what is his job? Has he had much experience of work? I'd only had terrible jobs by that age and assumed all work was like that, so the thought of increasing hours was awful to me. I know it's not meant to be a doddle but is there perhaps something that will interest him more or be a better environment?

My nephew has worked in and out of jobs for 15 years and has only found one or two he felt comfortable in. That has really changed his attitude.

Btw YANBU to charge him!

Definitely not unreasonable once I was out of study and working my parents charged me rent.

OP why should you make up for your son's grandparents not coming through? Between now and Christmas he could earn that money for himself. He's old enough to do barwork, supermarket work, anything unless you live in the boondocks with no transport.

And do come and join us over on the Parents of Adult Children Section

am on the fence of children paying rent while at home. he has just finished school. however he should be helping out alot more at home. how has it come to a stage that he doesn't know to do dishes etc is there a chore list? does all children pull their weight with household stuff ? you can't force him go hand over money..but there is a list of stuff that needs to be done in the house every week. would that be a compromise? If not working or home before yoi dinner us to be cooked etc. I don't think resorting to threaten to kick out is an option. everyone knows what the rental market etc is like. serious chat is needed respect from both sides is needed

Tell him he needs to move out by X date as you will be taking in a lodger who will pay his way and will be staying in DS' room.

YANBU.

I note you were quick to explain that you have been ill and unable to function well for the last three months. It comes across as you pleading with him to stop judging you. Stop doing this. You do not owe this CF an explanation of your performance. Doing so will make him think you're weak and he's in charge.

Do not explain anything more than basic maths to him. Either there is enough money to cover expenses or there isn't, and household residents who enjoy the legal benefits of being over 18 can only enjoy the domestic benefits if they pay for them.

FWIW I have a cleaning rota for us. My other DC are 12 and 16 and pull their weight :)

If he is working and you need the money, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to help with finances by making a small contribution. Whether the amount is ok depends on what he earns.

Nope, not mine. Reverted to being teens.

I paid £250 a month to my mum at 18 back in 1997!!!!!

so I think £20 a week is luxury!!!!

I used to think that. Until I ended up with three entitled, frankly lazy 20-somethings sponging off me.

One is working FT, contributes minimally but thinks that entitles them to full maid service. One working FT temp, 'saving' for a postgrad uni course. One FT student. None of them feel the need to do any housework.

Don't be me.

And you've done your sums slightly wrong. £20 a week works out at £86a month. If he only paid you £80 a month you'd be losing out on £72 a year.

Do not feel bad or let any posters make you feel that having your son pay 'digs' is awful. 20 years ago, me and my younger cousin were at uni. I handed in my standard £25 a week and his parents told him that he didn't have to.

I was the oldest of 4 kids in a family that was struggling and I did not grudge contributing. My cousin on the other hand was spoiled and entitled and this was just another example of him not pulling his weight.

We're both closer to 40 now, he still lives with his parents, not paying rent, has never moved out and just goes out socialising spending his salary.

Although I'm relatively comfortable,I will make sure my kids contribute to household expenses when they are adults as I honestly think it teaches a valuable lesson. And none of this, taking the money off them and then presenting them with a lump sum when they are due to move out. That teaches nothing other than the world owes me a living and the bank of mum & dad will save the day.