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Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

289 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 18/09/2023 17:49

An 18yo should be in full time education, full time employment or some combination that adds up to the same (excluding medical issues or other extraordinary circumstances).

Letting him lounge around and get away with paying a pittance towards his upkeep is not going to help teach him about adulthood. he needs to work and contribute because he needs to learn how to work and take care of himself. He needs the practice while he has a safety net.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 17:44

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees in honesty, he wasn't arsed at all. I asked him to pick his brother up from school once during this time, he said "no I'm going to the cinema. Have a bath and go yourself." Literally no empathy or concern. He is very similar to my parents in that aspect. Probably why I've been overly empathetic with him, as I've never wanted him to feel the way I've been made to feel.

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 18/09/2023 17:42

People who think you shouldn't charge your son some rent to live at home and the have the cheek to saying being a single parent shouldn't affect that don't live in the real world.

You are teaching your son to be responsible and pay his way and share the costs now he is old enough and capable to do so.

You would be doing him a disservice otherwise. I have met many adults who never had take responsibility for bills or understand the concept of how much it costs to run a house and it really shows.

Being a single parent means single income so even more of a reason

L0bstersLass · 18/09/2023 17:41

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 16:39

I just feel so stuck. He technically is an adult and can do as he so pleases, but I don't understand where his total lack of respect has come in. He was such a lovely, funny boy. We had such an amazing relationship; very open and honest and accepting. It seems to have just disappeared.

I get sick of having the same, or at least trying to have conversations with him. They result in nodding dog syndrome, or a stonewalling flounce out of the room. I'm so tired of it now I just want to scream.

I've done a cleaning rota for next week, as now I'm back in work, I don't want to be coming home to a tip every day. Let's see what happens. Thank you all so much xx

If he hasn't done his tasks off the rota, then take the router to work with you the next day. Or change the password.
Same if he doesn't pay you the £20 per week on the alloted date.
Actions have consequences and he needs to learn this quickly.

Rosscameasdoody · 18/09/2023 17:41

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Why awful? It’s teaching him that he can’t freeload and expect his mother to provide everything while he contributes nothing. And being a single parent absolutely does change things.

Crumpleton · 18/09/2023 17:40

He technically is an adult and can do as he so pleases, but I don't understand where his total lack of respect has come in.

You are correct in that he is an adult but you are wrong in that he can do as he pleases where he gets to dictate to you how he treats you, that is purely down to how YOU let him treat you.

As adults we all have choices to make when whatever scenario is presented to us so based purely on his total lake of respect and entitlement I'd give him two choices and let him choose which one, he can either work best part of full time and contribute a part of his wage to house hold expenses or find somewhere else to live and possibly end up working his nuts off being able to afford to keep a roof over his head and possibly very little funds left for anything else.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 17:39

@Wexone me being ill was hidden as much as possible. He was not aware that I was undergoing counselling. He wasn't aware I was on medication 3 times a day. He was sheltered as much as I possibly could shelter him, without moving out myself. However, I am never off work. Ever. That has been part of the reason for me being ill. During this time, he refused to help and literally left every plate, spoon, knife, cup etc for me to clean up after him. Started leaving his shaving residue and toothpaste splatter in the sink for me to clean. It quickly became apparent that the attitude was 'mum shouldn't be off work, so she can work at home while I swam about.'

I have had every kind of respectful conversation with him that anyone can mention, as I've said over and over again. I've looked for new jobs for him, sent him extra courses he'd find interesting to keep him ticking until he goes to uni. I've tried to get him to sit and make a travelling plan, as well as encouraging him to save. He has taken nothing onboard. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of tolerating his behaviour, palming it off as a teen attitude.

This 'man' has gone from a kind, caring, loving, funny little boy, who literally was my sidekick. To an ignorant, self indulgent, bone idle stuck up man. It hurts to say those things when I have always tried my best to provide balance. I think what I need to realise is, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. People will become who they want to become, regardless of what they have been shown in the meantime.

There's no screen time after six on my end, as this time is spent with my youngest DS. So once again, thank you everyone for your helpful comments.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/09/2023 17:39

Your son should be utterly ashamed of himself. He's workshy, lazy, and entitled.

Stand firm. He takes responsibility to do housework in the home he lives in and pays you a token keep, or he leaves and gets the shock of his life in the real world. I cannot get over how lazy this boy is.

Purpleheatherinthefield · 18/09/2023 17:35

Stick to your guns or he will never believe you again. His gap year sounds like he has no idea about the future. See if he will explore apprenticeship routes for degrees. At the end of each week you need to sit him down with receipts and meter readings (make him get those) and get him to help work out weekly costs. You need a set time-imply you need him to be a partner and see where you can make savings to become treats and rainy days, travel fund etc . Also get him to start reading Martin Lewis. Good practice for being a student. Make no judgement comments

TrackerBar · 18/09/2023 17:34

My son is also taking a year out now he's finished his A levels. He works pretty much full time and earns more than me at the moment! From the end of September he'll be giving me £100 a month, which I think is reasonable, so he can still save to support himself through uni or drama school. I'm a single parent and all my tax credits etc for him have now stopped. I do feel guilty about asking him to pay rent, but he understands it is necessary.

MooFroo · 18/09/2023 17:33

£20 a week is too cheap - I would make it a bit more painful for him, given his attitude and take a percentage of his earnings.
As much as we all love our children, it is our responsibility to teach them as much as we can and prepare them for the real world - whereas we know things can be hard, and you do have to do things that you don’t want to. . The Younger generation currently prioritise their fun and social element and seem to forget that there is a huge cost in providing all the basics! The weekly money you are asking for is probably less than a few drinks with his mates or a meal out

madeleine85 · 18/09/2023 17:32

Lol to the comment by the Barbie poster. As someone who'se brother is still sponging off their parents at 40+ I wouldn't recommend their approach. Giving a free ride doesn't encourage good work/life habits in my experience.

A family member's girls all stayed at home with her after uni for a bit, she charged them all a small amount of rent to teach them the value of money and encourage employment. She didn't tell them, but banked the money and gave them it back as a wedding gift down the line. They really appreciated it. If you need the money though, keep it and use it to support you and your family. There is nothing wrong with what you are suggesting. $20 is really nothing to ask for vs what he would pay if living alone.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 18/09/2023 17:31

£20 is 2/3 hrs work for him and is very reasonable- he won't get better elsewhere.

I can't help but wondering if his change in attitude/behaviour coincides with your sick leave and that he really isn't handling it well. I really don't wish to upset you but it is likely that it has had an impact on him. Maybe he is also feeling similar - it isn't usual for others to also suffer from mental health issues when one person does as they are concerned or worried about the initial person to suffer. Has he been stressed or bothered by it and instead of managing it he has taken to burying it too & might also now be suffering? Have you discussed it at all?

azlazee1 · 18/09/2023 17:30

Your house, your rules, no matter what the age. I would make a list of jobs at home that are his responsibility. Do them or find another place to live. I would also insist that as an adult he now has to pay a share of the living expenses. If he refuses, he needs to make other living arrangements. If you are paying him an allowance of any sort, end it now. Easy to type this, not easy to do but your son has to stop expecting you to carry him and get himself a job!

Channellingsophistication · 18/09/2023 17:28

Absolutely, he should be paying his way. £20 a week is very reasonable. You are doing him a favour, otherwise it will be a big shock when he goes out into the real world and realises you have to pay for things…

Bonbon21 · 18/09/2023 17:26

Bottom line.. if you drop dead tomorrow.. what is he going to do?

On a lighter note... he might be too old/big to kick his ass but if he wants to be treated like an adult and do adult things he needs to start acting like an adult..

And that means increasing his working hours, paying his way, saving for his travelling AND any further education he is hoping for.

He also needs to start pulling his weight at home, laundry, cleaning, cooking, shopping.

If he can't do ALL of the above he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Your house = your rules.

You would not accept this behaviour/attitude from any other adult ( I sincerely hope!!)

Do not accept it from him.

LeaderBee · 18/09/2023 17:23

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 16:38

OK, but this is really unusual these days so not a comparable scenario, my mortgage was similar when I first bought. Now mortgages are much more likely to be closer to £700-1000. To rent a 2 bedroom terraced house, no parking, where I live is around £1100 a month!

Show quote history

Oh it's insane, My house is 3 bedroom, front and back garden and in a cul de sac for less than £300 mortgage/ month.

My friend, albeit he is 7 years younger than me, rents a one bedroom flat with no outside space pays more like £500 and I dont think his bill are included?!

cobden28 · 18/09/2023 17:22

Insist your son pays a reasonable rent, to go towards household expenses, or he should start looking for alternative accommodation !

JadeSeahorse · 18/09/2023 17:21

Another 60 plus here Billyt and was expected to hand over similar at a very young age too.

I too left to live on my own at 15 and needed two jobs for many years to keep my head above water whilst also studying at night school for my qualifications.

I wouldn’t want anyone experiencing what we did but do strongly believe 18 year olds should be contributing. Ok perhaps the parents don’t need it! Well if that’s the case just save it without their knowledge and return to them towards a house deposit years later. This teaches the child turned adult excellent life lessons and how to budget. Failure to do so encourages entitled, selfish behaviour.

GreekDogRescue · 18/09/2023 17:21

Cocklodger in the making. Time for him to grow up and move out.

MoreOfThis · 18/09/2023 17:18

@Wexone he needs to be working more than the paltry 16 hours doesn't he if it is taking a chunk of his money. He will have finished his A levels 3 months ago, not two. He has watched his Mum ill, off work and decided she should do everything in the house. What a complete arsehole. Life isn't rainbows and unicorns. Yes children cost, I have one at uni and one in year 13. He is just a lazy arse who has decided not to do anything. Even working 16 hours a week he hasn't done any housework. I pity whoever lives with him at uni. Maybe his Mum would have more respect for him if he was pulling his weight round the house but he isn't.

CrazyHamsterLady · 18/09/2023 17:16

My DD (21) pays £250pcm a month in keep. She wouldn’t be able to get a room in a shared house for that so it’s enabling her to save. Adults should definitely be contributing to household expenses.

Intriguedbythis · 18/09/2023 17:16

Were you lying in bed during your depression? Not asking judgmentally by the way, just wondering if it’s something he’s seen for a few years and got into a. Habit of. Could HE be depressed too? I can imagine it just have been hard for him too. Maybe he feels a bit ‘world on his shoulders’ he’s a man yes, but a newly minted one who may well have suffered watching you unwell in last few vulnerable years

saying this to open up conversation with him as maybe he’s hurting and ‘rebelling’ as a way to cope with stress from that.

LolaSmiles · 18/09/2023 17:15

Normally I think that if a family can afford it then they shouldn't charge their kids to live at home the second they turn 18 and find the parents who charge their kids whilst claiming it teaches them about money are a bit tight-fisted. I do think the newly adult children should be pulling their weight, starting their career/saving for their gap year or house/building work experience /studying though.

In this situation he's being a lazy bum and mooching off his mother without doing anything to further himself or set himself up for adulthood. He should be financially contributing

ghostyslovesheets · 18/09/2023 17:15

When my middle one was planning a gap year and planning to work PT and have a blast I did ask for keep - she was equally horrified (I was accused of financial abuse!) so I went through all the figures - bills, increase in council tax, loss of CB and TC - and explained that, in order to keep the house, keep us fed and warm etc she would need to help out or move out - having checked out rents she backed down - eventually did a further year of college due to one A level being disappointing and went off to Uni this Sat - while they are in education I don't expect a penny but if they are sitting around doing nowt and working PT then they can afford to contribute

Nothing wrong with that at all