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Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

289 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
Kdubs1981 · 18/09/2023 19:10

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Charging board when a child leaves home and is as old as the hills. It's very common, especially in households where money is tight. He's an adult now. If he earning money doing a job, why shouldn't he pay board?

StarlightLady · 18/09/2023 19:03

When I was living at home, and working, I used to pay my parents one week's pay in four for my keep. They kindly and surprisingly gave me a quarter of my total payments back when I finally moved out, that was a kind gesture, but i never expected to live for nothing.

wesleycheese · 18/09/2023 18:52

I know of a single person living alone and paying about £60 a month for gas and electric

StripeyDeckchair · 18/09/2023 18:43

£20 is too little - I bet he eats at least double that a week.

I hope he is paying for his own phone, any travel costs & all is social life.

He needs to pay up or move out by the end of next week.

MsRosley · 18/09/2023 18:42

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

What a horribly insensitive and privileged remark. Many people can't afford for their adult children to just sponge off them forever.

15PiecesOfFlair · 18/09/2023 18:35

I'm shooting in the dark a bit here, but any chance he's got into Men's Rights Activist crap online or while gaming? He seems to suddenly see you as owing him your service. If this has come out of nowhere I'd be a bit wary of this as a possibility?

My nephew who I mentioned before got really into conspiracy theory stuff just from Facebook and YouTube.

Orange67 · 18/09/2023 18:33

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

You think teaching your adult child they have to contribute £20 keep a week is awful? Christ.

Tilllly · 18/09/2023 18:27

I think you're being very reasonable and he needs to grow up

FionaJT · 18/09/2023 18:23

My daughter's at the same stage (and also is very bolshie about helping at home at all) and I'm a single parent. When she was thinking about a gap year I explained that I would be losing child benefit, but also single person council tax reduction if she stayed here and wasn't in education, so would immediately be worse off just by her being here and would expect her to cover some of that once she got a job. She's taken that on board in principle (but is yet to receive first wages so I haven't tested it in practice!)

Viviennemary · 18/09/2023 18:16

I don't suppose he earns very much but the point is if you don't earn enough to support him he will just have to contribute and you are not asking for a big amount. Sit him down tell him what your bills are. He should realise yanbu.

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/09/2023 18:14

Tell him he can contribute financially and physically to the house hold, or he can fuck off out of it.

Show him how much a lodger would be paying for his room, and how much they'd likely be paying per week for their own food (so how much you'd be saving on food as well!)...

Ask him WHY he thinks you shouldn't kick him out and get a lodger instead?

Crumpleton · 18/09/2023 18:14

Also.
Is your DS definitely going to uni next year, has he chosen his subject's?
What's to say he has no intention of going or changes his mind by then.

conunddrum · 18/09/2023 18:12

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

What's wrong with asking an adult to cover some of the costs which they incur? If the mother was 80, retired and living on pension credits, should she still pay all the bills and food for her 50 year old chief executive son?

Lampzade · 18/09/2023 18:12

My cousin is nearly fifty , married with two kids and still leeches off my aunt …
Parents need to stop spoiling their dcs

balzamico · 18/09/2023 18:10

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, and also I'd hesitate to call it a gap year if he's sitting on his arse - an employer wont see it that way either.
I think all you can do is to get as tough as possible, don't do his laundry, don't pay for his phone, no lifts unless he's pulled his weight and every time he leaves a mess, call him to do it right away and leave clear instructions such as I need you to have cleaned the kitchen by the time I am home at 6, please empty the kitchen bin today before going to work etc

minisoksmakehardwork · 18/09/2023 18:07

Worst case scenario your son moves in with his grandparents, who can pamper and spoil him as much as they like. Guaranteed it will eventually wear thin though if he's lounging around all day and not contributing.

Yanbu to ask an adult to contribute towards the household bills. I was contributing from 18 on part time wages, and this increased when I went full time. No, my parents weren't saving it for me. It went on household bills and I bought anything specific that I wanted.

It's just a practical lesson in managing budgets etc. if he wants more spends, he has to earn more money than a 16 hour a week job. And yes, the first time you go full time working, it is a shock to not have school holidays off and to work a longer day. But that's life.

Talapia · 18/09/2023 18:07

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

You clearly don't live in a world where parents may need that money.

Life changes and finances etc change.

There is nothing wrong with a mother expecting her gao year son to contribute. He is old enough to leave home , can't imagine where he'd live for £20pw.

CharlieBoo · 18/09/2023 18:06

My sons 18 and I don’t take any money from him, but if he was the same as your son then I think I would.

They have to learn and life is bloody expensive .. although I don’t make him pay rent I absolutely do not allow him to lay in bed and do nothing. He works every hour he can and that work ethic has been drilled into him. He never calls in sick, he is on time and gets offered loads of hours, and works them. I don’t pay for anything of his, his car, phone, insurance he pays that himself.

Make him pay if, make his life difficult, drill that work ethic into him. I always say noones paying for my stuff, I have to work and now so do you..

NalafromtheLionKing · 18/09/2023 18:05

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I agree to an extent but a gap year is very indulgent and OP shouldn’t have to fund his travelling. If it’s too late for him to start at uni this year, he should spend the year doing useful things for his CV eg a full-time job for most of it to fund some abroad charity work before he sets off for uni.

AprQ · 18/09/2023 18:03

When I was 18, I was paying £400 a month towards the household🙃 I’m only 24 so this wasn’t ages ago.

£80 is absolutely noting. He should be laughing instead of chatting shit. You’re doing the right thing don’t worry

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 18:02

LeaderBee · 18/09/2023 17:23

Oh it's insane, My house is 3 bedroom, front and back garden and in a cul de sac for less than £300 mortgage/ month.

My friend, albeit he is 7 years younger than me, rents a one bedroom flat with no outside space pays more like £500 and I dont think his bill are included?!

Show quote history

Just insane isn't it! This is why I insist my DCs save and I won't charge them but obv if I wasn't it the financial position to do so they would have to pay rent once adults if living at home.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 17:57

@Intriguedbythis
I was off work for three months.

Apart from this, he has seen me work full time as a single mum, with no support. He's been set a strong enough example of work for the things you want.

It was ultimately being overworked and under supported that made me ill. He's aware of this.

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 18/09/2023 17:56

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

He's not a child, he is an adult. He works so should contribute. £80 is nothing. We are in a cost of living crisis, many people don't have the luxury of supporting another adult and all that breeds is entitlement. I don't agree with letting your adult son, live with you rent free, but what I really object to is sanctimonious comments like yours.

SpringleDingle · 18/09/2023 17:52

You pay or you move out. I might feel differently if he was in full time education but he’s not, he’s asleep on the sofa!!

Lampzade · 18/09/2023 17:51

AxolotlEars · 18/09/2023 16:02

You are unreasonable for only asking for £20!

Exactly
He should get a full time job and pay at least £50
How the hell is he going to cope when he moves into a student house.?
You are doing the right thing Op. if he refuses to pay ask him to look for a room in a shared house. He will be in for a rude awakening