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Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

289 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/09/2023 15:20

missmatch23 · 19/09/2023 14:52

I understand that people have opinions on how I handle my mental health with him, he has a right to know and he was aware. He was not interested however, nor was he empathetic. I think people really need to understand that it wasn't that he was impacted, he was inconvenienced. That's the fact of it. He knew what he needed to and did not care. I hate to say that, but that's the truth of it. I didn't sleep for two days at one point. When I did eventually sleep, he woke me up asking what he was having for tea. Please stop thinking this situation has been difficult for him.

Is there any chance that he's ND OP?

My ND DD can be very much like this. Spending a day in bed and procrastinating can be a sign of inattentive ADHD as can the seemingly lack of empathy.

HappiestSleeping · 19/09/2023 15:13

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/09/2023 15:20

Can I come and live with you, for that amount 😁

This 👆

I suggest you work out what he would pay at commercial rate, I.e. rent, electric, gas, council tax, etc. Then suggest to him that £20 per week is a drop in the ocean. He can choose, pay the £20pw or leave and pay the market rate.

He needs to grow up in afraid.

allthehops · 19/09/2023 15:05

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Oh get a grip. It's perfectly reasonable for young adults to contribute financially to the household, especially when that household is struggling financially.

It does them no favours to have everything handed to them on a plate for free, even if you can afford it.

ButterCrackers · 19/09/2023 15:02

He needs to get a full time job and start contributing. There are no excuses for him to be wasting time. If he says no then no university as your money will have been spent.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 19/09/2023 14:52

I understand that people have opinions on how I handle my mental health with him, he has a right to know and he was aware. He was not interested however, nor was he empathetic. I think people really need to understand that it wasn't that he was impacted, he was inconvenienced. That's the fact of it. He knew what he needed to and did not care. I hate to say that, but that's the truth of it. I didn't sleep for two days at one point. When I did eventually sleep, he woke me up asking what he was having for tea. Please stop thinking this situation has been difficult for him.

OP posts:
Yalta · 19/09/2023 10:48

I think that you might not realise that although you think you sheltered him from your health issues, if he is close to you then he will have picked up on something
The issue with not telling those close to you the truth creates a barrier
He could be feeling that you aren’t as close as he thought you were

My mother had her own mental health issues and I know I am probably projecting but given you keep saying how hard you work, has your ds ever said to you that you should apply for a different job that is less stress or less hours or more money and you haven’t applied or even looked at an alternative. Has he ever suggested a passive income like renting out your driveway/garage/loft etc to get that extra bit of money in.
It is hard watching someone struggle when you see things clearly but they don’t want to help themselves.

I know my own mother’s breakdowns were primarily about money. She had this attitude that everything had to be hard work otherwise it didn’t count.
We lived in a house that had a separate ready made flat she could have easily rented out without any real downsides or invasion of privacy. It had its own entrance, own driveway and separate garden section and own staircase. But she refused to as that was too easy and she called me lazy for thinking you could do just that. That income would have made all the difference but because it wasn’t physical work it was dismissed

Backagain23 · 19/09/2023 10:04

I was paying my parents more than double that 15 years ago when I was 18. Voluntarily. Because self respect and also respect for my parents. They didn't need the money.
I hope you manage to get through to him. Allowing him to dawdle his and your life away like this is not going to lead anywhere good for either of you 💐

VerasRaincoat · 19/09/2023 10:03

I lived independently at his age in my own flat and worked full time. I didn’t travel overseas until I was about 24 and could pay for it myself. I put myself through an undergraduate degree and masters.

My parents treated my younger sibling totally different, didn’t have to pay any rent/keep. They still live at home now in their 30’s. You aren’t doing your son any favours by spoiling him.

Pull the the band aid off and set down some rules. He doesn’t appreciate you or your home, he will once he rents privately 🤣🤣🤣

I think it’s fine for adult children to live at home if the muck in on chores and pay their way. (ie bills and consumables)

Yalta · 19/09/2023 09:56

I have had every kind of respectful conversation with him that anyone can mention, as I've said over and over again. I've looked for new jobs for him, sent him extra courses he'd find interesting to keep him ticking until he goes to uni. I've tried to get him to sit and make a travelling plan, as well as encouraging him to save. He has taken nothing onboard. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of tolerating his behaviour, palming it off as a teen attitude

If you have already sat down and discussed travel plans, have these been about specific locations and costs and if he can work in these countries. If not then you need to again with actual specific costings and an actual added end date that he either has solid plans to go or he needs to make alternative arrangements of where he will live at that date.

I would be worried that the people who he classifies as friends who he is going out with will sway him to keep the status quo and not bother going to uni next year

I think he needs to realise that they have their own agenda and their own plans.

Trying to get my mind round buying a Christmas present for each friend

BMW6 · 19/09/2023 09:52

Oh OP you really must tell him straight - he pays and does his share of chores, or he moves out.

Give him a day to think about it, and if it's stay it starts NOW, if leave he goes within 28 days.

Be firm.

Fallingthroughclouds · 19/09/2023 09:44

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/09/2023 21:13

Agree with this. The circumstances aren't his fault.

Show quote history

£80 doesn't even cover his food for a month. Where would you draw the line? He's expecting her to fund his travelling and nights out. Of course it's his bloody fault and he should pay, he's an adult capable of a full time job. Even on part time hours he probably has more funds available than his poor mum who is paying for everything for him. He'll be asking her to wipe his arse next.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 19/09/2023 08:51

Again, thanks everyone. I'm overwhelmed by the support here. I approached the subject again last night; he began stating he's worried about not being able to buy presents for Christmas if he's paying keep. Primarily for his friends. My response was, "well you got me a £10 teapot off Amazon for Christmas last year, that you gave to me in February. This year keep that £10 towards your keep." Went down like a rocket. I then told him if he feels he can't afford things, again he needs to look for a job with more hours. He's been working over a year now, never had time off and keeps to timing. It's not like he'll struggle for a reference!

@Itsagreatdaytosavelives definitely no drugs involved. He's a literature fanatic, most of his money goes on fast food, or in Waterstones on classic literature.

Thank you again for your support and kind words.

OP posts:
Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 18/09/2023 21:35

can he go and live with your parents? might be wakeup call he needs. btw your secription of him sounds like drugs involved

Gymnopedie · 18/09/2023 21:33

He makes me feel like I'm being completely unfair and over the top, whenever I ask anything of him.

He's made me feel so crap for this.

Right OP, that's the first thing you need to address. You are not being unfair or OTT. In fact you're being under the top only asking him for £20 a week. He can't make you feel guilty, crap or that you're being unfair or OTT. You're doing that to yourself. So stop it, right now this very minute as you're reading this. 99% of posters here, including me, are telling you that he's being an arse. Believe us and don't doubt yourself.

When you believe in yourself you'll deal with him far better. If you're questioning and tentative you're an open door for him to push against. Don't ask him to do things. Tell him. Firmly. And tell him if he doesn't contribute to this household he'll be going and finding one of his own.

And fwiw I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to make up the money grandparents are holding over him. I understand that your childhood was difficult because of who and how your parents are and that you don't want to repeat it. But OK they've said they will and now they won't. Isn't that what he's doing when he does the nodding dog impression but nothing changes?

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 18/09/2023 21:29

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 17:39

@Wexone me being ill was hidden as much as possible. He was not aware that I was undergoing counselling. He wasn't aware I was on medication 3 times a day. He was sheltered as much as I possibly could shelter him, without moving out myself. However, I am never off work. Ever. That has been part of the reason for me being ill. During this time, he refused to help and literally left every plate, spoon, knife, cup etc for me to clean up after him. Started leaving his shaving residue and toothpaste splatter in the sink for me to clean. It quickly became apparent that the attitude was 'mum shouldn't be off work, so she can work at home while I swam about.'

I have had every kind of respectful conversation with him that anyone can mention, as I've said over and over again. I've looked for new jobs for him, sent him extra courses he'd find interesting to keep him ticking until he goes to uni. I've tried to get him to sit and make a travelling plan, as well as encouraging him to save. He has taken nothing onboard. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of tolerating his behaviour, palming it off as a teen attitude.

This 'man' has gone from a kind, caring, loving, funny little boy, who literally was my sidekick. To an ignorant, self indulgent, bone idle stuck up man. It hurts to say those things when I have always tried my best to provide balance. I think what I need to realise is, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. People will become who they want to become, regardless of what they have been shown in the meantime.

There's no screen time after six on my end, as this time is spent with my youngest DS. So once again, thank you everyone for your helpful comments.

I think you have sheltered him a bit too much to be honest. He needs to start dealing with unpleasant realities.

conunddrum · 18/09/2023 21:27

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/09/2023 21:13

Agree with this. The circumstances aren't his fault.

Show quote history

So I just want to check - I mean I disagree with you completely but are you saying that for the rest of her life the mother should support the son if he's at home? Even if she's on the breadline and he's a millionaire? Is there any point when you think a grown adult who's earning money should pay for their own food?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/09/2023 21:13

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Agree with this. The circumstances aren't his fault.

drinkuptheezider · 18/09/2023 20:43

In 1985, my boyfriend earned £45 a week, and his mother took £40 for keep. I earned just under £90 and my mother took £30.
I would say pay up or door is at the front of the house.

SemperIdem · 18/09/2023 20:34

He is an entitled, selfish and lazy young man.

He either contributes, or he moves out.

CinnamonSodaPop · 18/09/2023 20:30

When I was 23 I moved home and my mam charged me rent (minimal!). I was livid about it and so begrudging! But now that I'm much older, I know it was the right thing for her to do. And I did pay it. So even if he isn't happy, you are not unreasonable and it is the right thing.

trainboundfornowhere · 18/09/2023 20:13

My parents didn’t need to charge me but they still did. He is an adult now and needs to start getting used to the idea that adults have responsibilities and outgoings and that not every penny you earn is your own to spend as you choose.

There is also no reason why he can’t help out a bit around the house. He can put easily put the bin out, hoover, sweep, dust, do the dishes and do his own washing and ironing. Leave the clothes in his room and if he runs out of clean clothes or goes out without them ironed then that is up to him now.

AprQ · 18/09/2023 20:13

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

The OP is asking her son for 80 quid. Are you really saying that you think it’s awful for the OP to charge £80 towards her son? I’d genuinely love to hear your answer on this

sadaboutmycat · 18/09/2023 19:34

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Good grief!
Adults pay their way. That is good parenting.
Letting them think life is a free ride at 18+ is not good parenting.
OP you are perfectly correct.

TheABC · 18/09/2023 19:28

You are being too nice.
Set out that list of chores, tell him you are charging a (small) percentage of the bills and if you don't see an improvement he can move out. Post the going rate for lodger rooms in your area.
Be serious about it.
He is going to have a shock next year at university.

PinkChampange · 18/09/2023 19:21

£80 a month???? At 18 I was working fully time and paying £80 a week! He has it far to easy!

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