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Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

289 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
Deepf60 · 19/09/2023 22:34

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Wow! He's an adult he needs to learn some respect. Life isn't free, why should his mum pay to keep him, it was unheard of years ago for any adult in the house not to pay towards living costs. You must be in a very privileged position to come out with such a crass statement. Get in the real world.

muttley68 · 19/09/2023 21:59

1985, aged 16 I earned £27.50/ wk on a yts and gave my mum £10 of it and another £5 to a lady for petrol for my lift into town to get to my yts. Mum worked two jobs, I helped to clean, cook,iron etc. You obviously lose the single occupant discount on your council tax bill for him living with you. The £20/wk he begrudges paying you is a joke

carly2803 · 19/09/2023 21:59

I think you are being a bit generous saying £20 a week, I would charge more like 50! No reason he cant get a job with more hours/waiting with tips etc

Make him step up OP at home and working, you are doing hi no favours for his future either

Querypost · 19/09/2023 21:24

I worked 16 hours a week WHILST studying at uni! Luckily for me my parents didn't want any money, but I helped around the house and had a good attitude, treating them with respect and I had gratitude for everything they did for me.

I'd rather that of my own children when they are that age than £200 a month, no respect and a terrible attitude.

GG1986 · 19/09/2023 20:37

If he moves out be will be paying out a lot more than £20 per week. I take it you have lost child benefit payments for him now too? Do not fund his travels, if he wants to go travelling then he needs to work his ass off to save for it.

15PiecesOfFlair · 19/09/2023 20:37

Ffs hundreds of posts later and people still can't resist responding to the third reply!

Lolalady · 19/09/2023 20:36

Tell him to pay up or go find his own place. Lazing around in bed half the day isn’t exactly doing him any good either. Put a padlock on the fridge, deny him access to the wi-fi. Tell him if he wants to eat he needs to contribute towards the cost of his food. If he does t like it tell him he can go and shop for his own!

Bored1000 · 19/09/2023 20:36

I would ask him for 50minimum and give him a list of chores, if the chores aren’t done the £ goes up.
He should also be working minimum 25 hrs a week, tell him he needs to save for university as you can ont be able find him as you are really struggling.

GG1986 · 19/09/2023 20:34

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

He's 18!!!! I moved out and was paying a mortgage and bills at 19 and working 2 jobs. I went home at 22 for a few years and paid my parents each month. He's an adult and can work more hours, he can also help out at home.

Loopylambs · 19/09/2023 20:19

TheBarbieEffect · why is it awful for a parent to charge an adult child rent? How will this prepare him to be independent? Maybe OP can’t afford to keep another adult? And even if she could why should she? If he’s still there in 10 /20 years should she still be keeping him?
OP I would say to him you’re obviously not happy with me asking for rent and help around the home so I hope you will find somewhere you will be happier and feel is more reasonable .

stickypoint · 19/09/2023 20:11

He should be paying market rent and is getting off v v lightly. Even £100 per week is not too much.

Let him move out and learn what the rela world is like.

Duechristmas · 19/09/2023 20:05

He can always move out, and you can help him do the maths to work out how he's going to afford it

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 19/09/2023 19:55

If he’s staying in bed all day maybe he is actually depressed. But I don’t suppose he’d go and see his gp. Getting him to stay with his grandparents is a great idea. Good luck

FindingNeverland28 · 19/09/2023 19:40

I would tell him that his contribution is £160 per month for working 16 hours, but if he does 30 hours then his contribution is £80. Whatever amounts you come up with, I would tell him he has to pay double for working less hours that should give him so incentive to work more hours. If he doesn’t pay up then change your wifi password, hide the good snacks/treats, stop doing his washing (if you do it).

Juststopamoment · 19/09/2023 19:28

Is his dad around? Could you get him to stay with his dad as a way of showing him life without you and then maybe appreciating you more?

Hpitblado · 19/09/2023 19:19

Sounds harsh but stop doing all his stuff. Wash your dishes or lock the cabinets. Stop washing his clothes, turn the boiler off when he wants a shower. Seems petty but for £20 a week he can learn what it gets him. Find out how much a one bedroom is to rent. The price of his electric and gas uses, his food costs ect. Black and white in what it could cost and what you're asking. If he's not happy - he can pay the other amount elsewhere. Our job is to raise them and watch them stand on their own feet (within reason). Mine are always welcome back if something goes wrong but I want to see them try and I'll be here if they need a bounce back.

You're in the right and kids now a day have no respect or drive

2welshmums · 19/09/2023 18:52

You're not unreasonable at all.

Ask him to move out and stay with friends, he will soon see how hard it is in the real world and how much you do for him.

jcsc · 19/09/2023 18:51

me and my husband had this conversation recently. We have said when they are full time employment they can pay house keeping. Our 18 year old has just gone to uni. He hasn’t got a job but is looking for one. We are footing the bill for him to stay away from home until he can get a job, but it won’t be forever. I wouldn’t however accept him staying in bed all day if he wasn’t at uni and was still at home. I would expect him to either get a full time job or make firm plans to go travelling if that’s what your son wants to do but foot the cost of this himself. If neither of the above was happening then we would be having firm chats about how life works and free loading off us and doing nothing is not an option.

buttermymuffins · 19/09/2023 18:44

He also buys the household a takeaway once a month as part of his rent.

buttermymuffins · 19/09/2023 18:42

So just had similar issue with my 18yo. He’s doing an apprenticeship though so working & earning more. I wanted £100 per month. Totally reasonable. He was most put out but eventually said yeah yeah, but never sorted anything out - this went on for months. I showed him shared houses in our area that with food would cost approx £1000 per month minimum. Maybe do that? What nailed it was my genius idea of telling him that rent would go up £25 per month & be back dated a month for every week he failed to set the standing order up. Funnily enough he sorted it the day after I told him this! Good luck. 💪

Popcornready · 19/09/2023 18:40

Its life skills and financial management.
You’re not being unreasonable to ask they live there too. Both my ds 20 & 23 still living at home they are expected to contribute in all ways to where they live. They did have a whine and moan however we sat and talked it over, we suggested 3 options,a small contribution and help around the house, 1/5 of all bills ( there are 5 of us who live here) or move out, They contributed both financially and they help with household “chores”
They know they have the skills to live independently they are able to care for themselves and others if needed.

Throwncrumbs · 19/09/2023 16:43

I think you should tell him to move out, asap and then you will find that your mental health will dramatically improve. He’s an adult, you need to think of your 9 year old and yourself. You can’t function properly with this going on and really you should be putting your younger child before him, which must be really hard with depression. Give him until the end of the month to rent a room as a lodger, he will soon see how hard it is especially when he sees a landlord won’t put up with that shit! Tough love is needed, good luck!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/09/2023 16:39

missmatch23 · 19/09/2023 16:35

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto no he's not. I work with young adults who are ND etc, I have worked in this line of work for over 11 years.

He is currently going through what I hope is a passing selfish phase, of which there is no excuse. He is often horrible with his DB, who is 9. We often get spoken to like something he's trodden in.

He doesn't behave like this around his peers, however. I do think sometimes he hasn't the confidence or the presence to be masculine with his friends. He's quite a feminine gay young man (came out to me when he was 11), and so I feel he exerts this behaviour at home, in order to have a sense of dominance.

My parents were very much the type to sit back and watch me struggle, unfortunately I do feel this has partially rubbed off, despite how awfully he's witnessed them behaving. He too seems to have adapted the attitude of I am here to take from, not help.

I've come home today and he's still in bed. Washing left in the washer. Bathroom a mess. He has this air of entitlement about him, and seems to think my job is endless and he shouldn't have to do anything. The past 8 months have gotten progressively worse, no matter how many times he is told. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to ask him to stay in his grandparents for a week. See if we can reach an agreement after we've both had some space.

I'm so sorry. Did you specifically ask him to hang up the washing? Nothing gets done her unless very specific instructions are left.

Have you don't what others have suggested and changed the password on the Wi-Fi and stopped any subscriptions that you pay for?

Original poster
missmatch23 · 19/09/2023 16:35

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto no he's not. I work with young adults who are ND etc, I have worked in this line of work for over 11 years.

He is currently going through what I hope is a passing selfish phase, of which there is no excuse. He is often horrible with his DB, who is 9. We often get spoken to like something he's trodden in.

He doesn't behave like this around his peers, however. I do think sometimes he hasn't the confidence or the presence to be masculine with his friends. He's quite a feminine gay young man (came out to me when he was 11), and so I feel he exerts this behaviour at home, in order to have a sense of dominance.

My parents were very much the type to sit back and watch me struggle, unfortunately I do feel this has partially rubbed off, despite how awfully he's witnessed them behaving. He too seems to have adapted the attitude of I am here to take from, not help.

I've come home today and he's still in bed. Washing left in the washer. Bathroom a mess. He has this air of entitlement about him, and seems to think my job is endless and he shouldn't have to do anything. The past 8 months have gotten progressively worse, no matter how many times he is told. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to ask him to stay in his grandparents for a week. See if we can reach an agreement after we've both had some space.

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 19/09/2023 16:12

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

And I think it is awful that an adult living in a house where people are working to run the house and provide food doesn't think they should contribute

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