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Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

289 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
Lizzieregina · 18/09/2023 15:53

£20 is a bargain!

When my 20 year old daughter left university and didn’t seem inclined to restart, I told her rent was free while she was in school and $100 a week while she wasn’t. It took a year until she was back at school and living rent free and I saved the money I collected during that year. I’ll give it back when she graduates.

She had the ability to make decent money which she was spending on cigarettes and shoes. I didn’t see why I should subsidize that lifestyle when Me and her dad are out busting our balls every day to pay bills.

jannier · 18/09/2023 15:53

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Once he's an adult ie 18 the government assume he contributes to income so even if your disabled your money goes down as having a second adult in the home, your council tax changes too. Why shouldn't an adult contribute to the family finances? You have a luxury others cannot afford, losing a home rather than expecting all adults to pull together or starving yourself to feed an adult who had money is ridiculous.

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 18/09/2023 15:48

The real world of bills will come as a shock to him if he thinks £80 a month is bad.

caringcarer · 18/09/2023 15:47

Why are you doing his washing for him. My son lived at home and was perfectly capable of putting his own clothes on to wash including bedding and putting on his clean sheets and duvet cover. He also emptied the waste bin in the kitchen, unloaded the dishwasher, and run the vacuum around his own room and the stairs, landing and hall too. He also cooked once a week for the whole family. Your son needs to learn to cook a few meals and do his own laundry. You have been too soft with him OP. You need to be firmer for his own good.

tothelefttotheleft · 18/09/2023 15:47

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I never understand replies like this.

Can you really not understand that not all parents circumstances are the same? Why shouldn't an adult living in your home not contribute to their own living costs?

BMW6 · 18/09/2023 15:46

Well he has a choice as a young adult.

Pay board as agreed AND so chores as agreed

Or

Move out and be totally self sufficient.

His choice.

Mumof2teens79 · 18/09/2023 15:46

I am happy with parents supporting older teens as much as they are able. If you can afford to kids should have the time and money to study or to travel....but not lie in bed all day unless they are sick.
If he wants to travel he really needs to fund it himself. Its up to you if he pays keep, but if you're struggling that seems a no brainer.

Thebigblueballoon · 18/09/2023 15:43

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:34

@Ylvamoon I'd like to be able to say that those kinds of conversations haven't already taken place multiple times, but unfortunately they have. He nods and agrees when not flouncing around, and I almost see it float out of the other ear.

I've sat him down and gone over costs and income, of how long it takes to do things at home after working 8am-5pm every day, cooking and cleaning. He completely ignores it all, and then the same continues.

I messaged him recently after coming home to pots in the sink, washing left on the kitchen table, telling him no more. Days later, the washing was still there until I slung it over his bed in the end. He mumbled something about "was just going to get it" I've honestly had enough.

Yeah… it’s time to get tough now. That is extremely entitled and disrespectful, and he’s only going to get worse if you don’t put your foot down and give him a small sniff of what he can expect from real life.
Personally, I’d be flapping my bills in his face to show him exactly how much it costs to run the household. He sounds like a lazy arsehole.

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 15:42

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:34

@Ylvamoon I'd like to be able to say that those kinds of conversations haven't already taken place multiple times, but unfortunately they have. He nods and agrees when not flouncing around, and I almost see it float out of the other ear.

I've sat him down and gone over costs and income, of how long it takes to do things at home after working 8am-5pm every day, cooking and cleaning. He completely ignores it all, and then the same continues.

I messaged him recently after coming home to pots in the sink, washing left on the kitchen table, telling him no more. Days later, the washing was still there until I slung it over his bed in the end. He mumbled something about "was just going to get it" I've honestly had enough.

Stop cooking for him
Stop doing his washing
When it gets cold, bundle up and turn the heating off
Turn off the wifi (and change the password) when you're not there.
Don't give him lifts or any money for anything.
Supply basic food he can cook himself.

If he leaves his crap around the house, dump it in his room

Sit him down with a spreadsheet of house costs (including him)

Ask him how he expects you to manage

caringcarer · 18/09/2023 15:41

He is being very unfair to you. He must be using £20 a week in electricity and food and more as well. Tough love is definitely needed. You need to tell him you are not funding the travelling either. He needs to work more hours to save if he wants to travel. He'll get a nasty shock once he's at uni. He'll realise how much food and electricity costs. He sounds very lazy. He needs to learn to work for what he wants.

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 15:38

Stick to your guns OP, he sounds entitled and needs to grow up. £20 a week is being kind. I think I paid my mum £50 a week many years ago and was happy to contribute to the bills and would clean, cook etc from a young age. She was a single parent too and I'd never disrespect her like your son is doing to you.

CyberCritical · 18/09/2023 15:37

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Child benefit stops but the "child" still needs to be fed and housed. They are capable of working so need to at least cover that. It's not a big imposition to insist on that.

Comefromaway · 18/09/2023 15:37

My daughter (slightly older but having a bit of time out from education) is paying £45 per week keep so £20 is getting off REALLY lightly.

When a young person chooses to leave education they have to realise that the world will not provide for them. As a single parents you will have lost your single person council tax discount and the benefits system assumes he is an dult who will pay his way.

It's not about you refusing to keep your child, it's about an adult taking advantage of you and seeing you struggle.

OliveToboogie · 18/09/2023 15:36

Your house your rules. Lazy get in bed all day. Tell him to get his arse out of bed and go get a job.

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 15:35

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

It's not charging him to live there...it's teaching him the value of money, and how to be responsible. If he had any morals he would be offering to help his mum around the house regardless of contributing to the bills.

billyt · 18/09/2023 15:34

FFS!

My parents expected half of my wages from the time I started a part-time job when I was 14! I had the choice to pay up or get out. Way, way more than the equivalent of £20 now. And if I didn't clear up I got whacked. Your son should be shown reality.

I finally managed to move out when I was 17. The bastards expected me to continue giving them money.

I'm in my sixties and it still rankles now.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:34

@Ylvamoon I'd like to be able to say that those kinds of conversations haven't already taken place multiple times, but unfortunately they have. He nods and agrees when not flouncing around, and I almost see it float out of the other ear.

I've sat him down and gone over costs and income, of how long it takes to do things at home after working 8am-5pm every day, cooking and cleaning. He completely ignores it all, and then the same continues.

I messaged him recently after coming home to pots in the sink, washing left on the kitchen table, telling him no more. Days later, the washing was still there until I slung it over his bed in the end. He mumbled something about "was just going to get it" I've honestly had enough.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 18/09/2023 15:33

I had one who tried that nonsense, they were making good money but were bleating it was their family home blah blah. I asked for a contribution for gas and electric when the bils came in ! They soon changed their tune and gave up the token gesture we asked for.

frazzledasarock · 18/09/2023 15:30

well unless you’re loaded expecting a contribution to the household pot is not at all unreasonable. The amount OP is asking is really reasonable.

You need to sit down clearly tell him your expectations, cooking, cleaning and financial contribution. And if he’s very unhappy he can find alternative living arrangements.

and I wouldn’t be paying anything towards a gap year travelling. Definitely not if I was barely scraping by myself. I used to work with a very wealthy colleague who’s son went on a travelling gap year, she paid for an activity he did on the gap year as his birthday present. For the rest he saved himself by working.

I certainly wouldn’t be doing anything for an adult offspring who thought I should be the household skivvy.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:28

Thank you all. He's made me feel so crap for this. I really need him to understand life doesn't come for free, but that will have to be a lesson he learns reluctantly it seems.

Thank you once again.

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 18/09/2023 15:28

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Isn't that nice for you. You must never have been in a position to actually need the adults living in your home to contribute to their own keep.

You seem to post like this repeatedly so I am sure the disbelieving responses you will get won't surprise you!

MockneyReject · 18/09/2023 15:28

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

It's not his parent, charging him to live at home, though, is it?
It's the landlord/mortgage company, the LA, the electricity company, the water company, the internet company, the supermarket that require money in return for the goods and see services he wants.

Why should the OP work to pay his way, while he lazes around at home?

Ylvamoon · 18/09/2023 15:27

I would sit him down and have a chat about his plans and how he can achieve them.

Tell him in real terms what things cost and how that relates to your/ his income.

I would also make clear that either he works full time and pays rent or he has to look for somewhere else to live.

He can of course choose the travelling, but again its his responsibility to get the funds needed.

Honestly, it's time he learned about money, budgets and the costs of essentials. As a first step, take him food shopping.

mbosnz · 18/09/2023 15:26

I think it's perfectly reasonable to require £20 a week to put towards his living costs. If he thinks he can get a better deal, elsewhere, I suggest he goes there.

The cost of living is through the roof, realistically for many people, they need those adults living in the household able to contribute to do so. It's also unwise, I feel, for those leaving school to think their parents continue to owe them a living. It's time for them to realise they do and will need to provide for themselves, and the standard of living they can expect is the one they themselves can afford.

As to him expecting you to fund his travel. Nope. He needs to earn sufficient to fund his travel.

Also, in line with realising he needs to pay his way, he needs to realise that as a grown up (I'm sure he thinks he's a grown up), he needs to contribute to the household, doing a fair share of household chores.

And again, if he thinks he can do better elsewhere, he's free to move there.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 18/09/2023 15:26

Well he can move out then can't he?

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