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Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

289 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 18/09/2023 16:10

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:34

@Ylvamoon I'd like to be able to say that those kinds of conversations haven't already taken place multiple times, but unfortunately they have. He nods and agrees when not flouncing around, and I almost see it float out of the other ear.

I've sat him down and gone over costs and income, of how long it takes to do things at home after working 8am-5pm every day, cooking and cleaning. He completely ignores it all, and then the same continues.

I messaged him recently after coming home to pots in the sink, washing left on the kitchen table, telling him no more. Days later, the washing was still there until I slung it over his bed in the end. He mumbled something about "was just going to get it" I've honestly had enough.

Then perhaps rather that suggesting he contributes money each week you could tell him you'd like him to move out?

But whatever you tell him you have to mean it and there have to be real world consequences for his behaviour/non cooperation. What consequences are there for him for his laziness? All I can see are consequences for you.

Flatulence · 18/09/2023 16:10

£20p/w is an incredibly good deal.
When I was on my 'gap year' (20 ish years ago) I didn't pay my mum rent but I would pay for some household groceries from my own pocket and obviously did plenty of housework, cooking etc.
It goes witho saying that I bought everything I and I alone used (e.g. shampoo, certain drinks or food) as well as my own transport and clothes etc.
Even 20 years ago, my contribution to household costs was more than £80 p/w; what you're offering him is a fantastically good deal and frankly expecting him to chip in with household costs and clean up after himself is the absolute minimum a presumably perfectly able grown man should be doing while living at home with his mother.
Lazing around at home is doing nothing for his mental health, or for future career prospects, or helping him to get to his goal of going travelling.
He needs a kick up the backside now otherwise you'll have made a rod for your own back for the next however many years.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 18/09/2023 16:09

£20 is getting off lightly tbh

Why undersell what it costs you to have another adult in the home? Why should you pick up that cost?

You'll have lost your council tax discount, any tax credits etc etc

He's home more so your bills will go up as he's not out at college all day

Shape up or ship out tbh. I had a gap year, my parents didn't charge rent but they told me I had to work full time and help out with extra chores, not just cleaning up after myself (not that your DS even does that!)

Iwasafool · 18/09/2023 16:09

I sympathise, I'm bringing up GS, same age. When he decided to defer his university place I said fine you have 3 choices, 1. go to university, 2. get a job and pay towards your keep (£25 a week which doesn't cover his food let alone anything else as he's very into sport and gym) 3. find somewhere else to live. By the end of the week he had a job, picking up £1,500 a month so his £100 to me barely makes a dent. He's loving it, working with a wide variety of nationalities and ages and I think it is making him more mature and that's after just over a month.

Try just giving him his options and let him decide what he wants to do. I hope it works for you.

Sillymummies123 · 18/09/2023 16:09

I go back and forth on this (I don't have children anywhere near that age, but this is a subject that's occupied my mind since I was that age myself and asked to contribute).

I remember I felt pretty sad when I was asked to contribute. I was working a job I couldn't stand, had no idea what I was going to do with my future and generally was horribly depressed. I had mapped out how long I would have to work in order to stop working and do some travelling, and it wasn't the money as such that hurt - I felt like I wasn't as safe with my family. Like - parents should always be there to catch you if you fall, and as an adult I'd absolutely offer to contribute if I had to move back in now - but 18 isn't old enough to have made that decision to go out into the world and be independent, and by asking for money, it felt to me like that decision was being made for me.

Having said that, I was asked for 200 a month some ten years ago, so hardly 80£ in 2023.

Practical hint: what about asking him to buy some groceries each week? A more tangible contribution than what, I'm sure to him, feels like a tax for being born. Maybe give him some responsibility like paying for set weekly groceries, some bill that he is accruing or something like that?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 18/09/2023 16:08

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I think it's awful of a working adult to expect another adult to provide food and warmth for them.

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 16:07

Definitely not being unreasonable, he needs a massive reality check and some tough love.

Lizzieregina · 18/09/2023 16:07

@NotAMug because I want to. She isn’t aware she’s going to get it back, she assumes it was rent as agreed. I’m in a financial position to return it and I don’t need her to wait until I’m dead!

Alargeoneplease89 · 18/09/2023 16:06

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

How ridiculous, I am unsure of the OPs situation but in my circumstances if my adult child was working, my rent / housing benefit would be affected.

Why is it you think someone should be impacted financially? Parents lose their child benefit / working tax credits when they hit 18, how is helping around the house going to help with the bills and keep a roof over your head? A lot of people are on the brink with COL increases and you seem to think it's awful to treat an adult like an adult?

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 16:06

@caringcarer he is fully aware and has been shown how to do all of these things.
In fact, until around a year ago he would happily do them!

There has been a decline in the past 8 months. Even more so since I was ill and off work. Unfortunately I'm not able to jot down every detail of home life on here, but with a mum who works up to 16 a day, he has not been brought up in a lazy setting. It hurts more that this behaviour has become a choice.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 18/09/2023 16:06

£20 is more than reasonable. He is a cf but I think that you should have had this discussion before he deferred starting uni so he knew what his gap year would look like

Someoneonlyyouknow · 18/09/2023 16:04

Well it's not possible to physically force him to help or pay a contribution but you could dial back what you do for him. You can stop cooking for him, stop shopping for food or toiletries that are only for him, stop doing his laundry, change the WiFi password, stop paying any subscriptions that are only for him. And don't fund the travelling! At all. Hopefully he'll be ready for a meaningful discussion soon.

bonzaitree · 18/09/2023 16:03

M’y parents never charged me anything but then I left after a levels and never went back!

I don’t think £20 is unreasonable. He could earn that in a couple of hours.

AxolotlEars · 18/09/2023 16:02

You are unreasonable for only asking for £20!

Baconisdelicious · 18/09/2023 16:02

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that

.You're lucky to be able to have that slack in your budget that not charging your children to live at home is an option for you. It was what my parents offered me.

The suggestion that the OP, as a single income household should offer the same as a dual income household is ludicrous. Just as for some dual income households, it will also be difficult to give their children a free roof over their heads.

We are living in difficult times. Clearly it is harder for some than for others. Please do consider the bigger picture before spouting such drivel.

TeeBee · 18/09/2023 16:01

My son is also taking a gap year to travel before Uni. He travelled for the first two weeks and then did not very much. I pulled back on every bit of financial support I was giving him and just provided empathy when he said he was skint. Soon enough, he's found himself a decently paid job, starting at 6am in the morning. Amazing what having no money can do for their motivation to get out of bed. He's also planning to travel again before starting uni...I won't be paying a penny towards this, and I can more than afford to. Its time they have to learn to stand on their own two feet. If mine hadn't moved in response to having no money, I'd have started charging rent too. Its called parenting. You do whatever needs to be done to get the message across.

coolkatt · 18/09/2023 16:00

LakeTiticaca · 18/09/2023 15:24

Change the WiFi password
Padlock the food cupboards and the fridge. Disable the heating in his room.
He'll get the message eventually

absolutely this! do u and him a favour. what a cheek. he has no respect for you

BIossomtoes · 18/09/2023 16:00

Time to ask him to leave. Back in the day the only time I didn’t ask for a contribution from mine was when he was working all the hours God sends and saving every penny he could to go travelling. It’s doing them no favours to think the world owes them a living.

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 16:00

Lizzieregina · 18/09/2023 15:53

£20 is a bargain!

When my 20 year old daughter left university and didn’t seem inclined to restart, I told her rent was free while she was in school and $100 a week while she wasn’t. It took a year until she was back at school and living rent free and I saved the money I collected during that year. I’ll give it back when she graduates.

She had the ability to make decent money which she was spending on cigarettes and shoes. I didn’t see why I should subsidize that lifestyle when Me and her dad are out busting our balls every day to pay bills.

In this instance why would you give it back to her, she could have saved her own money instead of wasting it.

My parents charged me £40 a month to cover my extra sky box, toiletries and phone bill. I was saving every penny I could so they didn't charge me anything. They actually saved the £40 a month to help with my house deposit but if I hadn't bothered saving myself they wouldn't have done.

MrsMarzetti · 18/09/2023 15:59

YABVVU by asking for only £320 a month from an adult that is no longer in full time education. He needs to pay a third of all the bills minus mortgage payments if you own. If you rent then he has to make a contribution to it. All bills include food, fuel and broadband. Provide a breakdown of costs and chores, make him understand that the price and the chores are is negotiable and if he feels he can't or won't agree, show him the door. He is an adult now.

Nevermind202020 · 18/09/2023 15:58

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

You think it's awful to teach the concept of paying your own way? Let's face it, he's getting a really, really good deal!

jannier · 18/09/2023 15:57

He's not on a gap year he's on a lazy arsed year did he not have any chores while at school?

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 15:57

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I would agree if they are in full time education but not if they are sat on their arse doing FA.

I wouldn't charge mine if they are saving for a house deposit either but if someone is not fortunate enough to be able to afford to do so and the adult child is working then £80 a month is a very small amount.

RockGirl · 18/09/2023 15:55

Many young people take a year out to save for university. Instead, your son is not only expecting you to pay for that, but also for travel?

You know what you have to do, it won't be easy but better for him in the long run.

LadyDanburysHat · 18/09/2023 15:54

OP it's just the selfish attitude of teens. My eldest was the same, and I honestly wondered where I had gone wrong with his level of entitlement. He does pay, he probably still thinks DH and I are awful. But he is 20 years old with a full time well paying job. He can more than afford it.

Enforce this with your DS. Tell him he is welcome to move out, but essentially he is an adult and it is time to start paying his way in the world.

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