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Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Mamma2017 · 18/09/2023 11:13

I’m astounded to hear this. First of all as a therapist they shouldn’t be giving you “advice” that’s not how counselling is supposed to work and though they work with people and their emotion who are experiencing this kind of abuse they are NOT a professional in the field of giving practical advice. Not their role at all! (I am a qualified counsellor myself). Secondly I’m shock at how poor, unfounded and actually dangerous this advice is. You weren’t aware you were being abused at the point of mat leave for one -and the police would never take the view that you were the one at fault putting the baby at harm. She is the one at fault and could realistically face criminal charges. But only, OP, if you report it. Ditch the incompetent therapist, find a proper one that does not try to give you their unfounded opinions. That practical advice needs to come from social workers, women’s charities and the police. And keep going you’re doing great. Really brilliant 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

TwistedCherry · 18/09/2023 09:13

This new therapist is giving you terrible advice. Please ignore them when they say 'don't log it with the police', in fact please do the opposite.

You MUST log it with the police, it will go in your favour, it's what I done and it worked out perfectly. Like the police said to me 'they wouldn't have arrested my DP if they didn't think it was serious enough'. That says it all really.

I'm now 3 weeks in to being on my own and I've never been happier. I'm so much more relaxed, even my DS seems happier, haven't had a single meltdown in the last 3 weeks.

I saw a quote the other day and I thought of you when I read it.

Don't wake up in the same terrible place ten years from now, just because you're terrified of what needs to be done today

ElephantGrey101 · 18/09/2023 08:01

The therapist was giving you incorrect advice. Go to the police and take the baby to your mums. I had to leave my home with my baby and I did get my share of the house back.

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/09/2023 22:22

Yes that sounds wildly wrong - if it happened, it happened, log it with the police.

Not logging it doesn't mean something never happened, but the fact you're updating the police and recording WHAT happens goes in your favour, you are trying to get out, trying to do your best etc etc.

Please stay safe OP. If it means leaving the house, with your child, to stay elsewhere, please do so.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/09/2023 20:51

You must log the abuse with the police. The advice they gave you was wrong.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 17/09/2023 20:48

I'm so sorry for my delay in responding on here. I have only just seen these messages from you all. Thank you all for contacting me and checking that I am okay.

I am okay. I have spoken with another solicitor to get some more information and I have also spoken with a new therapist who specialises in coercive control & abusive relationships.

The therapist was giving me lots of practical advice and information. However, some of it was quite contradictory. She said for me to not lock anything with the police because it could backfire on me. She said if my ex decided to get a solicitor involved it could make it seem like I am the unsafe parent or I'm neglecting my child.

They might say 'you are saying your ex was abusive but you let you child live in the home with them, and you went back to work early after having the baby, leaving your baby with an abuser'.

But then today she said for me to play the police a recording I have of her abuse from the other night.

The therapist also said if I leave the family home with my DC it could look like I haven't put DC's needs first and it will be required she goes back to the time with my ex.

It's all so confusing.

There is a possibility I can buy her out of this house. I have found out this week it's very likely so I am wanting to broach that subject too.

OP posts:
Everthenever · 17/09/2023 08:05

Can you just let us know you're OK, OP?
You don't have to update or give us any details.we know how hard this has been for you.

OhNoForever · 15/09/2023 00:06

Thinking of you. If you have gone back to her and tried to make another go no one will be angry with you. It is hard to leave. It may take many times. Everyone is here to support you ❤️

scoobysnaxx · 14/09/2023 16:22

Ditto OP.

Please let us know if you are okay x

Aroundthebend · 14/09/2023 16:04

Please let us know how you are? I am hoping you are either at your mums or a new rental, thinking of you and hoping all is as ok as can be.

Everthenever · 12/09/2023 16:31

Are you OK?

Aroundthebend · 11/09/2023 08:21

I’ve been checking back in and it’s four days since OP last posted, I’m hoping she is somewhere safe xxxx

Leapintothelightning · 11/09/2023 04:42

OP how are things? Been thinking about you ❤️

Timeforsnacks · 07/09/2023 22:34

I want to send you all the strength in the world, this situation sounds so scary. She is incredibly dangerous.
Please don't worry about if people will believe you or her when she tells people you don't do anything. The more this situation goes on the more she will show her true colours to everyone. Please believe that.

It sounds like acting now is the best time, the alternative is to wait until she feels better and starts demanding to be the only one around DC and then you won't be able to take DC when/if you leave. I would worry that she could make it seem like you left without DC because you didn't want her so if it comes to that make sure you record her telling you that you can't take DC so you have proof.

Everthenever · 07/09/2023 19:05

Did you say if you have a key to your mum's? I can't remember. Please, please go soon. Sort the mortgage out down the line. That's not the priority here.

Bitterballen · 07/09/2023 18:48

@WiddlinDiddlin they are married, the house is a marital asset

Bitterballen · 07/09/2023 18:48

She says that she is looking for somewhere to rent. Who knows if she is but I am currently looking for somewhere.

Why aren't you going to your mum's now?

This makes no sense! You are looking for somewhere to rent, so if you find somewhere available tomorrow - are you going to move immediately?

You have somewhere you can go immediately, which is your mum's house, and it's FREE!

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/09/2023 18:47

Please PLEASE will you record the nasty stuff she says to you with your phone. With a voice activated app, you can just have your phone in your pocket, app running when she is home and it will record when there is sound, you don't have to obviously 'start' it going!

Does she REALLY own half the house, did she put in the same as you and then pay half the mortgage/contribute to household costs?

If she did not, theres a good chance she does have a claim to half the house at all - please see a solicitor asap.

I didn't say this before, but honestly, she sounds like a sociopath and I am very concerned she will physically hurt you/your child/both of you as she spirals out of control and continues not to get her own way.

10HailMarys · 07/09/2023 18:38

Aroundthebend · 07/09/2023 15:41

Get your child and LEAVE, this is escalating and rapidly, becoming even more unsafe. She is delusional and unfortunately capable of deceiving others, her present state of mind is to protect herself AT ALL COSTS, she will do whatever it takes to destroy and break you and ensure she is seen as the victim.
Can you get signed off work, you need all your focus on getting out with your child.
For your own sanity and the protection for you and your child, LEAVE.
I cannot stress this enough.

YES. This.

Everyone has been saying this to you for weeks now, OP. Just do it.

10HailMarys · 07/09/2023 18:37

@rosesarentred3, you are struggling to manage everything not because you can’t cope alone, but because you are strung out and on edge and exhausted from the awful strain of being in the house with your ex-partner and her appalling behaviour. Looking after your DC alone would be easier without the rotten fucking leech that is your partner sucking the emotional energy out of you. Yes, looking after a dog and a baby alone is hard, but I promise you that it will not be anywhere near as hard once you don’t have this vile, abusive woman standing over you. She’s a sadistic cow and she’s torturing you on purpose. She’s a fucking monster who is exploiting every weakness and insecurity that you have (and she will do the same to your DD if you stay together).

She doesn’t need mental health support, FFS, and if she did, she shouldn’t be expecting it from you because YOU ARE THE VICTIM OF HER ABUSE.

Also, she has gone from threatening to kill herself if she doesn’t have full custody of DD to refusing even to hold her. That has fuck-all to do with her mental health and fuck-all to do with her being exhausted. It is because - as I and previous posters have pointed out - she doesn’t actually give a shit about your child. She cares about your child only as a possession and a means to manipulate you. She doesn’t care about your DD’s welfare in the slightest. Nobody who loved their child like a normal mother loves their child would suddenly just decide to ignore them like that. She’s treating your baby - YOUR baby, who you carried and gave birth to - as collateral, and she always has. That’s why she made you go back to work while she took all your parental leave from you - it wasn’t about her wanting to bond with DD at all; it was just another power trip and another way for her to use your DD to control you.

I personally think this situation is unlikely to improve while you live in the same house, and that you would have been better off taking DD to your mum’s straight away. But while you are in the same house, for god’s sake stop answering her calls. Don’t ask her for anything, including help with DD, and if she suddenly offers, say no thanks. It will be hard but she needs to be shown that you are absolutely fine without her.

CecilyP · 07/09/2023 17:43

Aroundthebend · 07/09/2023 15:41

Get your child and LEAVE, this is escalating and rapidly, becoming even more unsafe. She is delusional and unfortunately capable of deceiving others, her present state of mind is to protect herself AT ALL COSTS, she will do whatever it takes to destroy and break you and ensure she is seen as the victim.
Can you get signed off work, you need all your focus on getting out with your child.
For your own sanity and the protection for you and your child, LEAVE.
I cannot stress this enough.

This is really the most sensible advice. Don’t get bogged down in arguments with her and expect her to be reasonable. You know she isn’t reasonable. You have your mum’s to go to. Please take advantage of that opportunity .

StrandedStarfish · 07/09/2023 17:13

Please start recording your conversations and her outbursts on your phone

Aroundthebend · 07/09/2023 15:41

Get your child and LEAVE, this is escalating and rapidly, becoming even more unsafe. She is delusional and unfortunately capable of deceiving others, her present state of mind is to protect herself AT ALL COSTS, she will do whatever it takes to destroy and break you and ensure she is seen as the victim.
Can you get signed off work, you need all your focus on getting out with your child.
For your own sanity and the protection for you and your child, LEAVE.
I cannot stress this enough.

Everthenever · 07/09/2023 14:36

Flipbopboop · 07/09/2023 12:26

Please. Call the Police and get her removed from the house. I'm genuinely worried for the safety of you and your child.

I'm worried too!

Everthenever · 07/09/2023 14:34

You really need to leave ASAP op. This is going to end badly if you don't go. Take your baby and go to your mums.