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Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
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Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 13/10/2023 20:30

Thank you so much for your comments. I feel better that I have applied for the divorce. I just can't wait to actually move out into a place of my own.

She is still trying various manipulation tactics. Crying one minute saying she is worried she will struggle financially (probably assuming I'll give her more money which is what she mentions A LOT)

And then the next minute she's telling me that no one loves me or cares for me. That my family have never cared for me. That no one gives a shit about me. That i'm thick and I don't know anything. That I'm a 'cold, cruel and selfish person'. That I'm not the person she married etc.
she will go on and on.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 13/10/2023 20:27

@ErrolTheDragon
No real basis. She just feels entitled. She wants 60% of my savings but doesn't want to give up any of hers.

She is saying she will delay the sale of the house unless I agree to give her 60% of the equity.

OP posts:
MaltesersMate · 13/10/2023 19:51

Read all the way through your thread and it made my blood run cold, so chilling.

This is the worst case of abuse I’ve read on Mumsnet all my years here… much worse than any domestic violence.

This woman has such deep malice in her heart for you. Please get away, I am so worried for you. Life really isn’t like this!

What has happened to you is very disturbing.

The good news is, things will be so much better once you get out of this situation. Hugs and flowers for you. You deserve a good life!

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 13/10/2023 19:30

Well done on taking that huge step! I have been following your thread and you really have had such a challenging time. Look after yourself and keep looking forward to that lovely abuse free future you have before you x

SunRainStorm · 12/10/2023 23:41

Well done, you'll feel so much lighter soon

Keepingthingsinteresting · 12/10/2023 21:58

Well done @rosesarentred3 , you’re doing so well. Keep going for you and DC.

Whiskeypowers · 12/10/2023 21:00

Well done @rosesarentred3
so pleased you’re ok and forging ahead with things!

Bitterballen · 12/10/2023 20:40

Really good progress OP, great to read and thank you for updating us!

Are you having any support from Women's Aid or similar? I imagine it must be enormously challenging continuing to live with her. Does she know you've filed?

Everthenever · 12/10/2023 19:17

Amazing news! Well done you! 🎉

Mamma2017 · 12/10/2023 03:55

Congratulations on your progress! So pleased for you. Moving forwards! well done to you & don’t listen to a word she says. Her power & control over you is getting smaller & smaller and you are getting your life back 👏

Aroundthebend · 12/10/2023 00:06

Thank you for the update, I’ve been wondering how you were.
Your ex can ask for what she likes, doesn’t mean that she will get it!
I suspect she will want to be difficult as she clearly has that sort of nature, but the law will not give her what she wants, only what she is entitled to and that is 50%.
So please on your progress, hopefully won’t be too long before you are free of her. Xx

ErrolTheDragon · 11/10/2023 22:57

Good progress, well done!

She is also demanding that I give her more than 50% of the equity and of my savings. So I think there might be quite a battle coming up ....

Because...??Confused is there any real basis for her demand other than 'I want'?

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 11/10/2023 22:01

Hello, I wanted to come on and update you all .. thank you all so much for your comments, support and words of advice.

The house is now on the market and I applied for divorce today.

We are both still living in the house but I have been staying at my mums every now and then and taking DC with me.

I spoke with a solicitor who advised not to leave the house completely as I will lose a lot of my rights.

My ex keeps saying things like she will run up credit cards etc and I will be liable to pay because we are still married. But the solicitor said this isn't true and I won't be liable to pay any of her debts.

She is also demanding that I give her more than 50% of the equity and of my savings. So I think there might be quite a battle coming up ....

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 03/10/2023 13:08

Right now I pay the full mortgage and bills

Are the bills in your name? If so, you can close the accounts upon moving out and your ex partner can sort out new ones. No reason at all for you to pay for utilities etc on a house you don’t live in.

Mortgage is obviously a bit more complicated if it’s in both your names, but as your ex has a job she needs to pay half at least if she wants to stay in the house. She says she wont move out - OK, so she needs to buy you out, then. If she can’t afford to do that then she doesn’t have a choice; the house goes on the market. You need to stop wringing your hands over this and be cold, hard and practical. You need to take the emotion out of any financial and practical negotiations. Your ex can be as hysterical and pathetic as she likes and play every poor-me card in the book, but that doesn’t mean she can have what she wants. Quite clearly she is absolutely not entitled to remain in a house for which she doesn’t pay the mortgage or any bills and no amount of her tantrums will change that.

10HailMarys · 03/10/2023 12:58

rosesarentred3 · 26/09/2023 21:04

She's gone to bed. But I will be calling them tomorrow and logging it. I'm just so worried that my DC will be removed from me.
My new therapist said if I take the baby from this house and go to stay with my mum, that it will look like neglect and that I'm not putting the needs of my baby first.
I've asked my ex to leave the house and she laughed and said 'no chance am I leaving this house'.

@rosesarentred3 Please do NOT see this therapist again. They’re talking utter shit.

Also, it isn’t even the role of a therapist to be giving you practical or legal advice about this. A therapist is there to help you cope emotionally. She shouldn’t be telling you what might happen in a court case ffs! She isn’t a lawyer. She isn’t even a social worker. What she has told you is complete stinking bullshit.

Keep in touch with the police, record everything you can and please take your baby to your mother’s, as you’ve been repeatedly advised to do by everyone except (apparently) the world’s worst therapist. Your partner is a dangerous headcase and you need to get yourself and your baby OUT OF THE HOUSE.

jcr89 · 01/10/2023 22:02

Fingers crossed you've made some progress OP.
Hope you're keeping ok x

Bitterballen · 29/09/2023 16:44

How did you get on with the solicitor and women's aid this week OP?
Hope you are still doing OK.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/09/2023 21:24

Hopefully the solicitor will have given you info on how to move forward, you'll probably need to keep paying the mortgage but i dont see how you would need to keep the bills in your name if you're not living there!

TwistedCherry · 27/09/2023 18:34

Your therapist is talking complete nonsense, please do not go back and see them.

Logging/reporting it with the police will not get you into trouble. I know this as a fact because I've done just that myself, I've already explained my story. By telling the police, you are in fact, doing the opposite and protecting your child.

If your partner has gaslit you into thinking you're the problem and you'll come off worse if you do any of this and I bet she has, take no notice. If I had continued to listen to the gaslighting I was getting, I'd still be in that awful now.

I know more than anyone how hard it is, I've been there but in the nicest way possible, you need to kick yourself up the arse like I did and get the police involved, they'll arrest her and more than likely give her bail. She won't be allowed anywhere near you and trust me, you will thank yourself

Aroundthebend · 27/09/2023 18:10

Why do you pay All the bills?

RandomMess · 27/09/2023 11:12

Her kicking off gives you a reason to call the police and ask her to be removed.

Please phone Rights of Women TODAY and start the process of applying for an Occupation Order so she has to move out. Her behaviour means this is a valid thing to pursue.

Whiskeypowers · 27/09/2023 09:55

@rosesarentred3 good luck with the solicitor

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 27/09/2023 09:53

@SunRainStorm

No I am absolutely not looking for reasons to stay. I just wish she would leave. I have asked her to and she said no.
I'm speaking with a solicitor today and hopefully will get some advice. I will also call women's aid again as things have moved on a bit since I last spoke with them.

She is showing all of her colours and has even said a few times recently 'this is me. You've always known this is me. This is the real me'

It's really weird and creepy.

I am looking for a house to rent. I've seen one we can move into. But I need to know where I stand legally. Right now I pay the full mortgage and bills. And I can't continue to do that and rent somewhere.

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 27/09/2023 09:52

Speaking from personal experience therapy only works once you are actually removed from the environment that is causing the need for said help. At least that was the case for me.

what you need help with right now is formulating a plan to remove yourself and the baby and consult a solicitor. You absolutely need to report all of this to the police and as a pp said at the time of the event is far more compelling. if you’d dialled 999 when she was kicking off and smashing things up for example.
the so called therapist is talking absolute gobshite too. Staying in this situation is ramping up your child’s exposure to violence and abusive behaviour. She is legally classed as a victim of DA now.

You need to leave before you compromise the safety and well-being of your precious child. That’s absolutely not blaming you for any of this. It is not your fault. But you have a choice and you can get out. You actually don’t have a choice this is the only way forward. Your ex is not going to be reasonable. She wants what she has which is control. She will never leave. She will never respect your boundaries or care for you and your child. You will never have peace or freedom until you truly accept this and act on it.

scoobysnaxx · 27/09/2023 08:17

OP you really need to leave.

Any violence you need to report immediately to the police. It doesn't matter if she's gone to bed. Calling in the morning to report it, albeit good, throws a doubt on HOW BAD it must've been last night. Don't hesitate just call. It doesn't matter if DC was in bed/asleep or in next room - if there is violence/aggression and abuse in the home, any children are automatically exposed to this to. This is why you must leave. Staying is only damaging you, DC and your case.

Leaving will NOT look like neglect. As long as you CONTINUE TO MEET ALL OF HER NEEDS and can prove this. This is why logging things with the police is so so important, to provide evidence that home is NOT a safe place and back up why you have escaped.

Please link back in with Women's Aid and the National Domestic Abuse helpline for experienced and accurate advice x

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