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Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
SunRainStorm · 08/01/2024 02:48

Abusers don't ask themselves if they're abusive, or fret about whether their behaviour is fair and respectful.

The fact you're wondering about it means it's unlikely.

ManateeFair · 07/01/2024 23:48

Even after all that I've just said, occasionally i do wonder if I am the abusive one? I keep wondering "what if I'm an abuser and I've made her do all these things but I don't realise it?'

That’s all part of her plan. It’s what abusers do - make their victim feel like the abuse is their fault.

Your ex, to put it brutally, is an absolute fucking headcase and wants locking up.

I would actually be amazed, by the way, if she actually does end up having your daughter 50% of the time. All the evidence in your previous posts suggests that she isn’t actually that interested in caring for her and just uses her as a stick to beat you with. My guess is that at first she will continue to try to use your daughter to exert control over you, then will start flaking on arrangements at the last minute, and will then lose interest altogether the moment she meets a new girlfriend.

MrsElsa · 07/01/2024 23:33

Was she shouting with DC at home? You must take steps to get DC out of the environment. It is damaging for children to grow up witnessing abuse. Don't normalise it.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 07/01/2024 23:03

Thank you @scoobysnaxx
Christmas was up and down. New year was awful. I said I wanted to take DC to see my mum for a couple of hours and she went mad. Calling me all sorts of names. Shouting at me, swearing, calling me everything that was horrible basically.
I did go to my mums for a couple of hours with DC.
She was annoyed and didn't speak to me for days but wanted to take DC everywhere with her.

Even after all that I've just said, occasionally i do wonder if I am the abusive one? I keep wondering "what if I'm an abuser and I've made her do all these things but I don't realise it?'

OP posts:
scoobysnaxx · 04/01/2024 11:43

How are you doing @rosesarentred3. Hope the last few weeks have been okay for you.

2024 is a new road xx

Everthenever · 27/12/2023 07:44

Keep going OP.
I don't think she will want 50% in the end. She's just using that against you. You'll soon find it dwindles down.

budlea64 · 26/12/2023 23:39

Aw, so hoping that it all works out, I'm sure it will. So nice to have support. When I managed to leave my abusive and coercive ex 35 years ago, I had no support apart from parents that took me in. Wish I had the internet community then.
What I want you to know is that we all came out the other side. My kids are functioning adults with good relationships and hard working with good jobs. They have children of their own and I'm so proud of them, even though it's been tough with one parent having a self destruct PD.
Life goes on, people cope, kids are resilient.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 26/12/2023 20:51

@muggart
Thank you. Merry Christmas to you too. X

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 26/12/2023 20:51

Thank you so much for your messages everyone. I really appreciate you thinking of me.

I'm currently still living here. The house is still up for sale with no interest as of yet.
Things have been up and down.
Sometimes she's ok and other times she is really on one, shouting and swearing.

But I am determined that this is the year for real change. 2024 will be a new beginning.

Still feel very sad whenever I think about living separately and only having my daughter 50% of the week. I don't think I will ever get used to this feeling as I really am truly dreading that part of things.

Christmas has been okay so far. I'm surprised it's gone as well as it has and I really hope this continues.

The divorce is still going through and should be finalised in a few months, but we still haven't worked out the financial arrangements or custody arrangements, even though we know that custody will be 50-50 for us both.

I hope you have all had a really lovely Christmas x

OP posts:
muggart · 24/12/2023 20:24

Merry Christmas @rosesarentred3

Whiskeypowers · 19/12/2023 18:57

Another poster wondering how you are and hoping you’re ok 🤞🏻

scoobysnaxx · 19/12/2023 18:31

Yes we're thinking of you OP.

Please come back if you need us x

SunRainStorm · 19/12/2023 13:09

Come back to this thread if you need support, OP.

I hope you're doing well and 2024 brings you brighter days.

Aroundthebend · 09/12/2023 01:22

I’ve been wondering too, hope you are safe xx

Frazzledandfried · 08/12/2023 11:47

How are things, OP? I hope you're ok.

OhNoForever · 20/11/2023 23:11

Can you not go to your mums? That would be more immediate and cheaper. I think any advice to stay in the house is less important than your mental health which is obviously taking a kicking from her. Please just leave and work out the particulars later when you're not around her fucking with your head.

Hugs to you ❤️

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 20/11/2023 16:34

I'm so sorry to ask this OP, but is there a reason she says you'd probably forget what to do with baby if you took more maternity leave? I'm just a bit baffled by her making that statement.

Her treatment of you is shocking and truly disgusting, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Regarding custody, I see no reason why you would not get as a minimum 50/50, as although you're both listed as parents, you carried and gave birth to your daughter. I assume she is capable of working herself?

Regarding the friends at the beginning she insisted you cut off, perhaps it's worth getting back in touch? I would bet they never said a thing, but this is a classic abuser's slow to isolate and control.

And appearing to be a paint to everyone outside the relationship is also a well known tactic, to put you down and destroy your morale and self esteem. You begin to believe it, thinking you're useless and worthless, but it just isn't true. You'll be amazed how much better and more confident you'll feel when you separate, and just how quickly that happens.

Wishing you all the best, good luck, 💐

RandomMess · 20/11/2023 06:55

I think it would be preferable to move in with family or friends whilst trying to secure an occupation order.

Have you spoken to Rights of Women yet?

Honestly report her to the police for coercive control so you can use the law and courts to protect you and DD. She could block the house sale for a long time.

SunRainStorm · 20/11/2023 02:22

Talk to your mortgage provider, OP. And identify yourself as a victim of domestic violence. Many of the larger ones have specific policies and even specific staff to support clients in your situation.

Bitterballen · 19/11/2023 18:49

What income does she have OP?

I think you should simultaneously pursue an Occupation Order. A mortgage break will likely only be for a few months, which really puts you on the clock.

Have you got any other support from DV organisations? They will be another source of support and suggestions.

RandomMess · 19/11/2023 17:37

You need to ask your mortgage provider. Can you look at your in line banking and see what type of mortgage you have and see if they let you have breaks on it?

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 19/11/2023 17:20

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm waiting to get an appointment with my solicitor.
They should get back to me tomorrow.

Do you know if I do choose to rent somewhere, would I be able to take a mortgage break for the time while the house is still up for sale? I can't pay the mortgage and rent

OP posts:
scoobysnaxx · 18/11/2023 20:42

Keep going OP.
Masonry look back.

You're future is going to be so so different. It's hard to imagine right now.

But your future self will thank you and be so so proud.

And so will your daughter!

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 18/11/2023 16:02

@Aquarelles

I want to do that. I've written some things in my notes to read back when i feel things are completely hopeless.
I feel like the end and leaving here is just a dream. Like imagining getting out of prison and will it ever really happen?
It feels like I'll be getting out of prison and I'm scared of having a heart attack and dying the night before my release.
I know that sounds so strange. But it's like the light is at the end of the tunnel but will I ever make it there.
I feel so down. So low.
Feels like it'll never end.

OP posts:
Aquarelles · 18/11/2023 14:28

You're doing brilliantly, OP. I know how hard this is. My ex did the same to me when I separated from him. We had to live together while we waited for the house to sell and it was hell on earth.

What I did was I wrote a long list of everything that I was looking forward to doing in my own house once I was finally free of him. I used to read it back every time I struggled and it gave me the motivation to carry on.

Things like "I want to be able to leave the house whenever I want without having someone question my every move".

Remember, this is only temporary. The end result is so worth it.