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Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
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9
Bitterballen · 07/07/2023 18:15

Did you read it? It explains how two married women are able to both register a child and both be named on the birth certificate.

OP's wife has parental responsibility for their child, as she is named on the birth certificate, and she'd be treated as such in any divorce.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 07/07/2023 17:58

@Bitterballen that still doesn't make the wife/partner a parent. It makes her a step-parent, the same as hundreds of other people who marry a partner with a child.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 07/07/2023 17:52

Sorry for my ignorance, but this is madness. How can you both be on the birth certificate? If you're the mother then she can't be the mum and she definitely can't be the father so I'm well and truly confused.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 07/07/2023 17:45

rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 03:49

@workworkworkugh
No. We had IVF and both signed legal documents to say we are both parents. Plus we are married so we both have parental responsibility. If we weren't married, the DP would have to adopt DC.
DC has DP's surname and both our names are on the birth certificate.

But you're the mum, not her?

CecilyP · 07/07/2023 17:32

Bitterballen · 07/07/2023 17:19

She's a horrendous person. What did your midwife say? Surely she was asking why you were going back so soon?

Show quote history

Yes, I wonder what your workmates made of it.

Bitterballen · 07/07/2023 17:19

rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 16:58

@CecilyP
Yes that's right. I just wish I'd been stronger and insisted on time off.
I wasn't well either as I had an emergency c section and a haemorrhage a couple of weeks later so I was in hospital for an extra week.

She's a horrendous person. What did your midwife say? Surely she was asking why you were going back so soon?

Bitterballen · 07/07/2023 17:18

rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 16:57

@MaryJanesonabreak
I think it is frozen panic because I know once I say it and we are on that pathway, it's so scary to think about. Separate houses and sharing time with DC. I hate the thought of not being with her every day. But I also know I can't live like this anymore.

Please listen to people upthread about seeking support from Women's Aid, a solicitor, ensuring she can't access your savings etc, getting all your ducks in a row, before revealing your intentions.

It may be best for you to simply leave (although a solicitor should advise you).

She is never going to approve you splitting up. She will never aid you in the separation process. So you will need to have a plan first, and be prepared for her manipulation tactics and eventual rage once she realises she's lost control of you.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 16:58

@CecilyP
Yes that's right. I just wish I'd been stronger and insisted on time off.
I wasn't well either as I had an emergency c section and a haemorrhage a couple of weeks later so I was in hospital for an extra week.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 16:57

@MaryJanesonabreak
I think it is frozen panic because I know once I say it and we are on that pathway, it's so scary to think about. Separate houses and sharing time with DC. I hate the thought of not being with her every day. But I also know I can't live like this anymore.

OP posts:
CecilyP · 07/07/2023 15:37

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 19:21

@Bitterballen

Thank you. I have considered calling women's aid but feel a bit of a fraud because I know some people who will call them will be people living in hell who certainly need the help more than I do.

You'd be the opposite of a fraud. Your situation really does sound exceptionally bad. The coercive control is really severe because it is constant and seems to effect every aspect of your life. You sound terrified of her.

CecilyP · 07/07/2023 15:08

I missed out on precious moments. But when I said this to her, she would just get upset saying 'well what do you want me to do? Go back to work and you be off? How would you even manage? You're lucky you had 6 weeks off. Dads only get 2 weeks off. How do you think they feel?'

Bloody hell, she really is a piece of work! If I'm reading this right, you gave birth to a child and she thinks you are lucky to get 6 weeks off and comparing you to a dad! Lucky? You can become a dad while being somewhere else completely, in another country even. Please forgive yourself, but don't forgive her!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 15:05

Op, stop ruminating about everything and get on with it. Get out of the this relationship. See a solicitor as soon as humanly possible, get your affairs organised, and then tell her you're filing for divorce. Just get it done.

piedbeauty · 07/07/2023 14:17

Your partner is still abusive. You need to leave.

Babsexxx · 07/07/2023 13:44

Transfer all your savings into a account you can still access for your dd and don’t tell her sooo weird sounds like she’s plotting your murder here don’t mean to sound blunt but OMG I’d be doing a midnight flit!

jenandberry21 · 07/07/2023 13:43

Your relationship is abusive. As other have said, get legal advice and leave.

Babsexxx · 07/07/2023 13:42

OP this is dreadful you must see that the reason the barer of the child has the years maternity is to also recover postpartum! I would of fired that straight back at her! I’m livid for you reading that.

Infact read it back to yourself…it’s diabolical get hold of womens aid and citizens advice etc.

MaryJanesonabreak · 07/07/2023 13:29

I think you will probably find that after you separate, many friends will say they didn’t know how you put up with her for so long and are really happy for you that you got out.
It is in your child’s best interest before she gets much older, that she doesn’t live in this toxic environment all the time. Make time to see a solicitor would be your first step. One step at a time is how all things are accomplished.
You need to wake up out of your frozen panic mode and rescue your daughter and yourself.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 13:15

@LakieLady

I was making a log of all of the things that have happened over the years and I just can't believe I've let it happen. I've made excuse after excuse for her and why she behaves that way. But I've become someone else. I am unsure of myself in every way. I don't feel confident just going out to the shop, im doubting myself. And her voice is constantly in my head.

If I make a drink and then im about to leave the kitchen, I hear her voice 'have you put the spoon in the dishwasher? Have you put the wrapper in the bin? Are there any crumbs on the side?'

I've realised this happens with EVERYTHING I do.

I was with a friend last week and DC fell asleep in her pram before having her bottle. And I panicked. Really panicked that DP would go mad. I couldn't relax the whole time I was with my friend.
DP always says I never stick to the routine she has set so I just kept thinking 'this is why you can't be trusted to look after your own baby!'

I felt like a terrible mum and just awful about myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 13:11

@Bitterballen
I do think friends will be shocked and some might think I'm awful etc. the friends she has on her side think she's amazing because she's always so great and supportive and caring with them.

I have said several times in the past that I think we should split up. She usually doesn't seem bothered at all. Then a while later she'll cry saying she doesn't have anyone and no one loves her, and she's a bad person and doesn't deserve anything. So then I end up comforting her. And then we stay together.

OP posts:
Bitterballen · 07/07/2023 10:26

rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 10:01

@Bitterballen
I'm rarely alone. However she has gone back to work this week so there will be The ocasional time where I am on my own. So I can call them.
Although I could tell my mum, all she would do is say oh that's bad isn't it and 'what are you going to do'. But she wouldn't really be able to support in any other way. She can be difficult to talk to sometimes. She's also in an abusive relationship and has been in relationships where she's been controlled and manipulated since forever.

Please ring them when you're alone in the coming days.

All the nonsense threats she will come out with -
Everyone will think badly of you if you leave
You'll never get access to the baby
I'll take all the money and the house
I'll kill myself

  • is all complete bullshit designed to scare you into not leaving. Don't pay any attention to any of it. A solicitor will be able to set you straight on what is most likely to happen.

I'm ok financially but I know she will try to take as much as she can. She's said this before. Have you discussed splitting up before?

LakieLady · 07/07/2023 10:13

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 19:21

@Bitterballen

Thank you. I have considered calling women's aid but feel a bit of a fraud because I know some people who will call them will be people living in hell who certainly need the help more than I do.

Sounds like you are living in hell OP, and please speak to WA. They're the experts in this stuff.

In some ways, psychological abuse is worse, because it damages your soul and breaks your spirit. I didn't realise how damaging it was until I ended my marriage. The constant undermining and treading on eggshells has changed me as a person. It's taken me a long time to realise that I will never be that confident, outgoing person again.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 10:06

@Heronwatcher

We both own the house. I'm ok financially but I know she will try to take as much as she can. She's said this before. So I'm not sure how all that works financially.
Dc is 1.
She is in nursery.
I have savings that she says she wants access to. This is a frequent argument. She says im being financially controlling by not giving her access. But she says things like 'if you die, it will be hard for me to get hold of that money if it isn't in my name'.
Then says if I died it would work out well for her because we have life insurance.
So I 'joked' saying 'we could always just divorce and that way we both survive'. But she says about the money.
So I know she'll try to get more financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 10:01

@Bitterballen
I'm rarely alone. However she has gone back to work this week so there will be The ocasional time where I am on my own. So I can call them.
Although I could tell my mum, all she would do is say oh that's bad isn't it and 'what are you going to do'. But she wouldn't really be able to support in any other way. She can be difficult to talk to sometimes. She's also in an abusive relationship and has been in relationships where she's been controlled and manipulated since forever.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 07/07/2023 09:16

Yes, I think you need to get out first, rebuild later.
Will you be ok financially?
Who owns your house? Can you get a rental if it needs to be sold for a short period.
How old is your DC- will they be in nursery so can you work, or will you need to arrange childcare.
If you think you’ll have to fight about custody, can you afford a solicitor? It would be better to try to agree this if possible but she doesn’t sound that reasonable so you may unfortunately need to spend a bit on lawyers.
Think about the practicalities and if they’re sorted, get some stuff and walk out of the door with your DC. You’ll have a few bad months but it will soon start getting better.