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Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Bitterballen · 09/07/2023 11:02

I haven't changed. But now I hope I don't look stupid with what I'm wearing.

Well done OP. Baby steps. I'm sure you don't but even if you do - who cares? The freedom to look stupid in your own choice of clothes is a great feeling isn't it Smile

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 09/07/2023 10:58

It's DC's birthday party today. DP has told me she hates what I'm wearing and wants me to change.
I haven't changed. But now I hope I don't look stupid with what I'm wearing.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 09/07/2023 10:57

@scoobysnaxx
Thank you. I really appreciate that. And I'll read back over this message again. Thank you.

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 08/07/2023 21:00

My partner is always saying I'm so difficult to live with and I make her life harder.

This is a common tactic by the abuser. It's designed to destroy your self-confidence and persuade you that you deserve the treatment they are dishing out.

You don't deserve the treatment you are getting and your baby deserves to grow up in a healthy relationship with you, even if they are subjected to an unhealthy relationship when they have contact with your wife.

Caroparo52 · 08/07/2023 20:20

Well done you getting validation as to who is the real YOU..
Please believe what your ex said. You are that person inside struggling to re emerge.
Skillful abusers totally delude your concept of who you are/ used to be.

I ended the marriage for my myself and my children in the end. Because whatever the outcome had to be better than the torment we all lived with.
And yes, the other side ( it was very shit going through divorce- the lies told....), is a zillionzillion times better now.
Good luck.
Believe that you deserve a decent life for you and dc

scoobysnaxx · 08/07/2023 18:11

That's such a shame and yes you do not want you child to grow up witnessing this. Unfortunately she may grow up to think that behaviour and dynamic is acceptable and fall victim to accepting it, or worse, be like that herself! Either way it's damaging and you aren't happy.

Please please go and don't look back, now you really realise and really see it keep going forward. It will be hard but it will be SOOOO worth it in the end. True really honest happiness. You making your own decisions and not answering to anyone.

Get your ducks in line.

  • Speak to Mum or a close friend for support.
  • Contact Womens Aid or your local Woman's Centre for emotional support and advice.
  • Seek advice from a solicitor who will tell you what to do with money etc, and tell you what your rights are and what the process is.

Knowledge is always power. It will be hard but right now what is probably most hard is not know how this whole 'leaving thing' actually works, not knowing where to start!

Gather as much information, guidance and support as possible. It will keep you on track at times when you feel weak or like giving up or she tries to manipulate you back. And keep pushing forward, step by step. And it will be over one day. Feeling are always temporary. We don't get time/life back! Xx

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 08/07/2023 17:39

@Caroparo52
Thank you. It is really hard, the thought of leaving. And all that will happen next. But I just know that now I fully realise all of this, I wouldn't want my DC to grow up with this.
Obviously she'd still have contact and we'd both see dc probably the same amount. But I just feel miserable most of the time and I don't want dc seeing that.
I want to feel free too.

A while ago, I spoke to an ex, I know I shouldn't have but I confided in them and said what had been happening because it was really hard and confusing for me at the time.

My partner is always saying I'm so difficult to live with and I make her life harder.
I told my ex who said 'you are such a good and kind person. You're not hard to live with. I should know, I lived with you for 5 years. You're the best and you deserve to be with someone who is going to treat you like you're amazing, because you are'.

I honestly nearly cried because my wife has never spoken to me like that, or told me anything like that. Just how hard it is living with me.

OP posts:
Thegoodbadandugly · 08/07/2023 11:24

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 19:19

@Poppinjay
This does happen. When I say I want to leave, we will talk and she'll say all the right things. And then things will be great for a few days where I think 'god what was I thinking? Why would I leave? Things are great!'

But then something will happen, even something tiny, it could be my mum messaging me about something and she starts again.

When I say about leaving, she will get upset saying 'I'm such a bad person. No one cares about me. No one loves me. I'm a horrible person. I don't know why I'm here'.
The other week she said she was going to kill herself because she was shouting at me, and I stayed very calm. So she got even more mad. I tried to stay calm still. And then she said 'do you want me to kill myself?! Is that what you want because I will!'

You are being emotionally blackmailed as well as abused, I've not read through all the posts but you need to leave.

Caroparo52 · 08/07/2023 11:16

Well done on going out.
Tiny steps add up .
You are not at fault. You should not be ashamed or embarrassed.
You are in a very difficult abusive controlling relationship. Like a blinkers have been put on you and every now and again you see normatlity and recognise this is all wrong, but then the blinkers are put back on you.
Dp is so clever and manipulative in her handling of you.
Dp sounds once hellva cf and will never change.
But from your responses, deep down inside you your gut is telling you that it's wrong. You know inside that its a total shit fuck up and you have to leave.
That's the biggest part..
Acknowledging the relationship has to end.
For the sake of you and dc.

End it op however nasty it will be. End it.
Once its ended you will spend every day free and grateful you had the strength to do it.
I know.
I was you.
I ended it.
I am grateful and free.

Good luck

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 08/07/2023 10:57

DP has been really nice yesterday and today. I can spot the moments where usually she would erupt, get mad, etc. she's still made little digs but when I've just casually replied without showing upset or anxiety, she's backed off. I can see her where she would usually react really badly but she's stopped herself.

The other day we were out, she started some random argument again in the car but I didn't respond. And then when I did it was with confidence and I was calm.
Then she apologised. I dropped her off as I was going somewhere. She opened the car door and started shouting and swearing at me.
Then shut the door again. Then opened it again and shouted some more.
Usually I would say 'please can we sort this out, I don't want us to fall out. Can we just talk about it?' But I didn't this time.
Each time she shouted I just said 'ok then, see you later'. And then drove off.

Since then she's being really nice, chatty, pleasant.
I know this is only temporary. I recognise this more for what it is.
It isn't giving me false hope that things have finally improved like it usually would. Usually during these times I would think she's amazing and I'm so happy, and we're so happy together and all is well again.
Only for it to brutally crash down again. It's as if it builds up in her and then she goes mad at some point.

So this time, I'm not getting my hopes up.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 08/07/2023 10:44

@Caerulea I might speak to my mum. It's just when I'll see her on my own really as my partner is always there. But it is possible to arrange it some time so I will speak to her. Thank you.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 08/07/2023 10:08

OP I was in a relationship very similar to this. The confidence issue is a big problem but believe me, once you pull the trigger and leave/file for divorce you are taking back control, this will give you confidence.

The nice person you see when you talk about leaving isn't real, it's designed to hook you back in. The shit person is who they are. They will manipulate you by threatening suicide. Don't listen.

Get yourself a lawyer, look up grey rock method (you'll need this once you start the separation)

You can do this, I can tell you my life was so peaceful after I got my own place and got control back.

Poppinjay · 08/07/2023 09:54

You are the victim of coercive control.

Coercive control is a crime.

Please, please contact Women's Aid.

MisschiefMaker · 08/07/2023 09:16

She stole your maternity leave. I don't think I could ever get past that. What an absolute bitch.

CecilyP · 07/07/2023 23:20

Would it be worth approaching your mum with the words 'mum, I need help' - be clear from the outset that you need her & not just kind words like you're sounding off & want an ear.

It really would be worth a try. She probably hasn’t said too much before now as she doesn’t want to interfere.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 07/07/2023 23:11

user1473878824 · 07/07/2023 22:51

@VeterinaryCareAssistant tell you what, why don’t you go and read the link you were sent and then Google anything your confused by rather than playing innocent to harangue an abused woman? It’s all been spelt out for you. Catch yourself on.

💯

user1473878824 · 07/07/2023 22:51

@VeterinaryCareAssistant tell you what, why don’t you go and read the link you were sent and then Google anything your confused by rather than playing innocent to harangue an abused woman? It’s all been spelt out for you. Catch yourself on.

user1473878824 · 07/07/2023 22:45

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 19:19

@Poppinjay
This does happen. When I say I want to leave, we will talk and she'll say all the right things. And then things will be great for a few days where I think 'god what was I thinking? Why would I leave? Things are great!'

But then something will happen, even something tiny, it could be my mum messaging me about something and she starts again.

When I say about leaving, she will get upset saying 'I'm such a bad person. No one cares about me. No one loves me. I'm a horrible person. I don't know why I'm here'.
The other week she said she was going to kill herself because she was shouting at me, and I stayed very calm. So she got even more mad. I tried to stay calm still. And then she said 'do you want me to kill myself?! Is that what you want because I will!'

Oh my love. This is a classic abusive tactic. You need to leave and then build everything up from then, when you actually can.

Caerulea · 07/07/2023 22:39

I'm so sorry this is your world right now, your partner is a monster. You know this & are ready for change else you wouldn't reach out like this - so really you've already started the process.

Would it be worth approaching your mum with the words 'mum, I need help' - be clear from the outset that you need her & not just kind words like you're sounding off & want an ear.

It's worth reminding yourself, too, that your little one will have no recollection of any of this - none at all - they are too small. Which is all the more reason to do this sooner rather than later. Your partner might be a good mum but she's an appalling wife.

As for your friends, any that are worth keeping in the fallout are ones who will know that this is exactly what coercive control looks like.

You've got this! For you & your little one any situation is better than this.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 07/07/2023 22:38

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 07/07/2023 22:08

I still don't really get it, because only one of you is the parent?

Surely, if/when you leave you can cut all ties with her because she's not related to your child.

Please educate yourself about same-sex relationships. You're embarrassing yourself.

scoobysnaxx · 07/07/2023 22:13

They are both her parents and both have parental responsibility as both are on the birth certificate.. I don't understand what you aren't understanding??

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 07/07/2023 22:08

I still don't really get it, because only one of you is the parent?

Surely, if/when you leave you can cut all ties with her because she's not related to your child.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 07/07/2023 20:41

@VeterinaryCareAssistant
The birth certificate allows you to write 2 parents. So LGBT parents can each have their name on the birth certificate if they're married, which we are. If they are not married, then the non biological parent would need to adopt the child. But we're married so we didn't need to do that.

OP posts:
Wendysfriend · 07/07/2023 20:01

You can't continue to live like this. You will end up having a breakdown. I bet this is only a snippet and there's a whole heap more, some actions may seem small to you but they all add up and break you down slowly.

You need to get a good solicitor, get advice and make a plan.

Try speaking to your mother, I know you said she won't listen, but sometimes those we think won't be there for us, are, and vice versa.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 07/07/2023 18:40

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 07/07/2023 17:52

Sorry for my ignorance, but this is madness. How can you both be on the birth certificate? If you're the mother then she can't be the mum and she definitely can't be the father so I'm well and truly confused.

It's clearly not madness, and you calling it that is hardly helpful to the OP. You can be supportive without letting your homophobia show.