Advice please - coercive control?

Aquamarine1029
Op, I remember your previous posts. I'm sorry, but you are the maker of your own misery at this point. You should have left your partner ages and ages ago. Nothing will ever change until you do, and your partner will only become more abusive.

Yes OP ignore this ignorant idiot!!!

This is chilling abuse, OP. Just horrifying. Please, please do everything you can to get away from this utterly monstrous woman.

OP, try and do this for your child if not yourself.

Your child needs you well and safe.

victim blaming. No one being abused is the maker of their own misery for staying. Being abused impacts someone’s ability to leave. the abuser is the sole cause of the situation.

Please message a friend you trust and say you're so sorry you've been awol you need some help and advice f from someone you trust and could you meet up

Then explain what's happening

Don't tell your dp this

Call women's aid for advice about leaving safely

This is why going to the police station and asking for help is a good idea.

This woman is a criminal committing a crime.

You poor woman.

She is awful. She sounds sociopathic or something, just not fully human. I'm sorry you missed out on your time with your baby. Please do as advised, get a shit hot lawyer and get this woman out of your life.

There might be somewhere with a private room like a leisure centre or library where you can go and use a private room to make a call. I’m on the waiting list for an adult protection course so can’t be sure. I’ll see if I can get hold of someone who has done the course on Tuesday and see what they say.

I know she'll go to great lengths to take the baby from me. She really will.
Yes exactly. She already has. She will take your child from you if you remain in this marriage. Look what she's done so far, and your DD isn’t even 1. From what you've posted so far:

She stole your mat leave from you
She won't let you bathe your baby
She won't let you feed your baby
She won't let you hold your baby when she's sleeping
She won't let you do general caring tasks for your baby

Do you think this is going to get better if you stay?

First day at school
Christmas
Birthdays
Cuddles when she's hurt
Potty training
Storytime
Swimming/other fun activities for the first time
Playing together

Do you think she's going to allow you to do any of those things while you're in this marriage?

The only way you get a relationship with your DD is if you leave.

Keep trying Women's Aid. Engineer a situation when you're out for the day. Confide in a friend. Keep going. You can do this.

OP I'm glad you're here so you have plenty of voices to help you resist this woman's abuse and manipulation. Pushing you is physical abuse and is as serious as striking you; throwing things, slamming doors, damaging property is also red red flag as her abuse has escalated beyond emotional. You are a strong and capable woman and Mum, and you can do this. Im glad you can at least have the privacy to be on this thread.

I remember your previous threads.
Please please make plans to leave. She is horrible.

OP I'm sorry this is so awful to read.

It's going to take a lot of strength and it's scary but you need to document and report this. Maybe confide in a reliable friend she doesn't know.

I have barely opened my eyes to read this this morning:

It is BEYOND shocking.

And OP, I am a Psychotherapist who frequently assesses women in domestic abuse situations. Even I am shocked.

Please continue reading. As you will see, there are many many types of abuse - emotional, financial, physical, sexual, coercive etc.

Please do not doubt for 1 more second that every 'little' thing you have written here is abuse. I assure you, it definitely is. The ice cream thing is an absolutely shocking display of abuse. The fact that you even have to ask to eat chocolates/ice cream is a sign that you are in an abusive dynamic. Let alone that she repeatedly denies it.

This woman is the worst of the worst and I sincerely hope one day she gets her comeuppance and is criminally charged.

You must contact Women's Aid without delay. The feelings you have of embarrassment, shame etc are completely normal. And it's makes DV workers and people like me FURIOUS when women feel this way because you have done nothing wrong.

You have done. Nothing. Wrong.

The feelings you have are a direct result (a purposeful result) of coercion. She wanted you to feel this way. Feeling weak is where she wants you.

Please don't stop reading the information on domestic abuse. The more you learn, the more you will relate and understand from a Birds Eye view what is happening. The stories you read and relate to can give you hope. Not knowing anything about abuse and assuming that it's not that bad because she doesn't hit me, is part of what is keeping you in this dynamic.

If I was your therapist and knew half of this I would be duty bound to report this to social services because the fact is your DD is exposed to an abusive environment. It doesn't matter that she is 1(?)

You must leave her but plan meticulously how to do this with support from Womens Aid.

They can offer you practical support and guidance, a support worker to contact weekly or more if needed.

They can support you to get an IDVA (Independent Domestic Abuse Advocate) who can also give you advice and support but inform you of your rights and options going forward.

Also explore your local authority website and look for info on domestic violence.

In the future (once OUT of this dynamic and the dust settled) you would GRATELY benefit from engaging in a domestic violence course to really understand what has happened to you and how to spot abusive behaviour again in the future to avoid this.

The Freedom Programme is fantastic. I refer a lot of people here:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

In my area (Herts) I also refer clients to a service called Safer Places. They have an amazing programme called the Triple R Programme.

www.saferplaces.co.uk/therapeutic-programme

This might not be available in your area but I would expect something very similar is.

Again, I frequently refer people here and the feedback I've had some clients that have left abusive relationships and done this programme, is amazing.

They have learnt so so much and feel incredibly empowered.

They have also connected with other women on a very deep level and made friendships for life.

Please don't waste another second.

You've done really well this week to even explore the Women's Aid website and begin reading. First step done.

Now, let's focus on finding the right time and place to give them a call.

Go for it.

Please keep coming back to update us, we will continue to support you here too!!

Oh OP, please don't feel any shame. DA can, and does, happen to the strongest of us. You are not weak. You must be strong to have put up with it for this long!

Look, I volunteer for a DA charity, and what I've read on this thread has horrified me, please don't think that it's only DA if it's physical violence.

If you ring WA or a local charity, they are not going to be judging the level of DA you have experienced and they won't be calling SS to take your child away. They won't force you, or emotionally manipulate you, into doing anything you don't want to, so don't think that by calling them you are setting a chain of events off that you can't control. If you just want to talk, then you can just talk. If, later on, you decide you do want to leave, then they can help you with that, but they won't initiate anything unless it's what you want.

A lot of them talk about being physically hit. Which hasn't happened to me. She's pushed me and thrown things etc. but hasn't hit me.

Forget that! It’s not relevant to your situation and your situation is bad. Coercive control is now a crime!

Bloody hell. Wtf gives her the right to say what you can eat when? I think you realise her level of control and manipulation and mind games, and that in a normal healthy partnership, you'd just eat your share of the treats whenever you wanted without having to ask.
'no, you're not being fair. Do you really want to eat it and then I've not had any?? No'. ... 'yes, I do want to eat my share now, that's perfectly fair, you can have yours whenever it suits you. '

They will be very used to hearing from victims of coercive control; they won’t judge. And they’ll also be aware that these things happen by stealth; the control ratchets up gradually which affects your judgment.

Don’t feel ashamed. It’s not your fault you originally fell for this unpleasant person.

Please do not waste your energy on shame.

The shame is all hers.

I feel so desperately sorry for you.

This is such a shocking thread.

Every post is so dreadful.

Please just reach out to the police and Women's aid.

This will never change until you do.

Could your employer help you?

Talking to Women’s Aid will help. Can you not visit your counsellor rather than have your sessions online? I wouldn’t be able to relax knowing my abusive partner was outside the door!
once you leave, your head will be much freer because you won’t be consumed with having to second guess her all the time. Please leave. Your daughter is 1; you have years and years ahead of you with her to build the relationship with her you were denied. It WILL be fantastic. You can do this. Act now.