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Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
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Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 17/07/2023 09:15

@TwistedCherry
I also used to work at a hospital and had a counsellor I spoke to here. This was years ago, and I remember her saying to me 'everything seems to be your fault. Everything you describe, she finds a way to make it your fault'.

Also at that time we were considering fertility treatment, and she said way back then 'I want the full maternity leave because I was a year off work'. And the counsellor said to me 'but you'd need time to recover.. your body will need time to recover from pregnancy and the birth. Why would she have that time? You would need it'.

I remembered that recently and felt so so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 17/07/2023 09:13

@scoobysnaxx
I absolutely understand what you mean because it is 'easier' to believe the lies and try to stay together and have a 'better life'. I know I don't want to do that. I have said before several years ago I was leaving, and I panicked and changed my mind. I felt so bad because she was upset and I was and then I thought I was making a big mistake so stayed.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 17/07/2023 09:11

@TwistedCherry
It's so easy to be talked back round though isn't it, because they know exactly what to say. I've had this where she's said all I've wanted to hear but what I've realised is what is scattered through that is her telling me that in some way it was my fault - for not understanding, for mishearing her, for not getting what she had been saying, I'd got it wrong somehow.

It usually ends up with her telling me more of what I need to be doing to make like easier and better (usually for her). Clean more. Cook more. Work more. Pay for more. Send her more money. And now I'm doing ALL of that - her life is really quite cushy now.

Do you have plans to try and leave again? Would you tell her or just go?

I keep hoping my wife will just end it with me. But I don't think she would because she'd have a lot to lose, financially especially.

Yesterday when I was going to see my friend, she said she didn't want me taking DC. kept telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't. Then she said she was going out. She returned soon after and said she was going to play with DC in the living room. Next thing, I hear the door so I go to the front door and it's left wide open, and she was driving off in the car with DC!

She came back 30 mins later and I did go to see my friend. But in that moment I was so upset and worried. I panicked because I thought 'where is she going? What is she doing? What has she taken DC?' I really panicked.
I don't know what it was all about. Panic? Control? Was it a threat that she can just take DC?
It seems to be escalating this week

OP posts:
scoobysnaxx · 17/07/2023 09:08

I actually escaped last year with my DS when she was at work. I was completely guilt ridden and could stop thinking about how she must be feeling now that we're not there, how ridiculous considering what she does to me on the daily.
Unfortunately after manipulation I caved and returned on day 6. We talked and we even admitted to controlling me and said I know now that I have no right to tell you what you can and cannot do and I won't ever do it again please just come home. Stupidly I fell for it and for a short while everything was fine and I honestly thought that was it. Fast forward to now and it's 10x worse and I now definitely know that no matter what she says or does that she will never change.

I'm the only one that can change my life for the better and believe me, I'm going to. I really hope you can too.

@TwistedCherry I am so sorry you've been through this. I wish you all the best x

@rosesarentred3 please bare the above in mind in those moments where you just want to leave and run away. This is what I worry will happen. With no plan and how often abused women DOUBT themselves/what just happened/did I just overreact/am I wrong?? Coupled with the apologetic texts and the I know I need to change messages. I worry this will lead you to returning to her a few days later and things becoming much worse, much like they did for this lady.

I think you should only leave immediately if she because violent or aggressive again or makes threats.

It feels really uncomfortable to suggest this as we don't want you to stay in an abusive environment for a moment longer! But with a person like this, keeping your cards close to your chest, retaining the upper hand and playing the long game, I think is so so important to leaving and STAYING GONE FOR GOOD.

TwistedCherry · 17/07/2023 07:42

I totally understand you. I can see very clearly what she's doing and how she's doing it now and I can see how often it happens. Even if it's something so small and seems ridiculous, I know exactly what it is.

Yes I have, because I work in a hospital, we have a woman who we can talk to about anything, work related, home life, anything and I confided in her last year. She was amazing and really showed me a lot of what I was dealing with was most definitely not in my head like my DP makes believe. When I said I'm not strong enough to leave, she said you're incredibly strong, look at what you're dealing with every single day, that takes some incredible strength.
Also, one of my colleagues can see what I'm going through and she's amazing, she keeps saying to just get out. It's hard to talk about at first but once you've said it and it's out there, even if just to a couple of people, it gets easier, trust me.

I actually escaped last year with my DS when she was at work. I was completely guilt ridden and could stop thinking about how she must be feeling now that we're not there, how ridiculous considering what she does to me on the daily.
Unfortunately after manipulation I caved and returned on day 6. We talked and we even admitted to controlling me and said I know now that I have no right to tell you what you can and cannot do and I won't ever do it again please just come home. Stupidly I fell for it and for a short while everything was fine and I honestly thought that was it. Fast forward to now and it's 10x worse and I now definitely know that no matter what she says or does that she will never change.

I'm the only one that can change my life for the better and believe me, I'm going to. I really hope you can too.

SunRainStorm · 17/07/2023 07:34

The thing about her forcing you back to work and taking your maternity leave is just disgustingly selfish and cruel.

I know it's hard, but you will be better without her.

Having your DD to yourself 50/50, and not being undermined and criticised, will be better than what you have now .

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 17/07/2023 07:13

@TwistedCherry
Thank you. I appreciate that. I think that's what is happening for me. I can't unsee it now and everything seems clearer. I can see when she's being manipulative, when she is playing the victim. When she is gaslighting me. I can actually see it and although I still doubt myself, I have to remind myself that her behaviour isn't rational.
Have you told anyone about your situation?

OP posts:
TwistedCherry · 17/07/2023 00:22

Op. I just want to add that I could have written this myself. I'm also married to a woman and we share a 4 year old DS together, both on the birth certificate (I carried).

I will say that a lot of what you've written is very similar to what I'm going through and some things seem worse than mine.

I'm also starting the process of leaving, I've realised so much of the abuse I'm subjected to and once I saw it I couldn't unsee it and now I see just how much she abuses me and how clever she is at playing the victim.

Maybe we can support each other through this process and perhaps to it together so to speak.

I totally understand how scary it is to pick up the phone and ring women's aid. I've been emailing them for the time being but will ring them when it's safe for me to do so.

I really hope we can both find the strength to do this and get out much deserved freedom and a better life as I know it's out there for both of us.

Good luck and please be strong, you can do this. We both can do this 💛

TRexTara · 16/07/2023 23:24

I think I would much prefer a thug of a man who smacks my face up, but understands I need to be with my baby.

TRexTara · 16/07/2023 23:20

Her just not allowing you to spend that 4th trimester with your baby when you wanted to is profound abuse of you and your child. Whether a judge sees it that way or not.

SunRainStorm · 16/07/2023 23:15

I remember your other post.

You've come a long way. Leaving is hard, but you'll get there. You can't live like this, it's heartbreaking.

TRexTara · 16/07/2023 22:51

rosesarentred3 · 16/07/2023 22:47

@BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere
Thank you. I haven't heard of that book but I will read it.
I have been doubting myself for so long that it is hard to acknowledge that it's abuse. I have seen many therapists over the years. And as soon as they've started saying that my relationship seems abusive, I can't help but defend my partner and rationalise her behaviour.

I keep doubting myself and thinking if people heard her side of things, they might see everything differently and that I am to blame.

Oh Lord. That's heart breaking. If you like music, please listen to that Joan armatrading song, this pain. You are being abused. I'm glad you finally recognise it.

I'm probably being a pain in the arse now so will back off and let you be guided by much smarter women than me.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 16/07/2023 22:49

@PonyPatter44
Thank you. I hope so. There are a couple that may think like that. But there are others who truly believe she is a really kind, thoughtful, caring amazing person because she really is like that with these people. She seems so well out together, wise and level headed, and very empathic.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 16/07/2023 22:47

@BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere
Thank you. I haven't heard of that book but I will read it.
I have been doubting myself for so long that it is hard to acknowledge that it's abuse. I have seen many therapists over the years. And as soon as they've started saying that my relationship seems abusive, I can't help but defend my partner and rationalise her behaviour.

I keep doubting myself and thinking if people heard her side of things, they might see everything differently and that I am to blame.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 16/07/2023 22:44

@TRexTara
No it was for the other person. Thank you for your comments. They have been helpful. I'm going to go through them again tomorrow as I haven't been able to read them all properly yet.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 16/07/2023 22:44

You poor woman - this is one of the nastiest abuse cases I have read about on here. Your DP is an utterly hideous human being.

I just wanted to say, don't be too certain that all your friends believe DP's nonsense. It may be that they can sense that she is not right in the head and they think its safer for themselves to just agree with her. You are so caught up in the madness that you can't see it objectively, but it may well be that your friends are actually very concerned about you but think that you will either be defensive of DP, or that criticising her will make you angry.

TRexTara · 16/07/2023 22:43

Btw Op, even some of the pp on here who seem quite harsh with you actually genuinely care about you but are frustrated. We don't know you personally but your story connects with a lot of us who have been through a few things. We are concerned and angry on your behalf. It seems that some of us on here care far more about you than your cunt of a bitch partner. Even if some can be harsh. Please think about that. You now have an audience, or a fan club wishing you well and hoping for the best for you. You have to leave her.

BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 16/07/2023 22:22

I think you have received some excellent practical advice, e.g. contacting the police and Women's Aid, confiding in friends and/or family members. I don't really have anything to add to that.

But I wanted to offer a book recommendation. Have you read In the Dream House? It's a memoir by Carmen Maria Machado detailing her abusive same-sex relationship. I would highly recommend this book. It might give you further insight into the dynamics of your own relationship, especially if you start to doubt whether your partner is abusive (she absolutely is). It's also brilliantly written.

I really hope you are able to leave this relationship sooner rather than later. You and your child deserve to live a life free of fear and abuse.

TRexTara · 16/07/2023 22:20

Sorry I did the quote thing wrong.

TRexTara · 16/07/2023 22:20

rosesarentred3 · 16/07/2023 22:18

@Quitelikeit
I am quite aware of that.

Was that for me?

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 16/07/2023 22:18

@Quitelikeit
I am quite aware of that.

OP posts:
TRexTara · 16/07/2023 22:16

Joan Armatrading, No More Pain

This pain is my protection
It tells me to run
This pain is what you gave
But it's making me strong
Even though I can't define it
Does not mean that I'm confused

TRexTara · 16/07/2023 22:01

OP write things down. Write down dates. It will help you in court. Go see a family lawyer. And I would also suggest you pick up your baby and run with her, either to a woman's refuge or your mums. But I'm not coming from a legal background.

What's the real issue with your family? You seem quite dismissive of them.

TRexTara · 16/07/2023 21:50

Quitelikeit · 16/07/2023 21:49

With all due respect you have been told multiple times on your other posts that this relationship is toxic.

It's hard to leave an abusive relationship and in this situation the abuser has put themselves into a situation where it's possible they could take control of the child.

TRexTara · 16/07/2023 21:49

Was the egg yours? Is this child yours?

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