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Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
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Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 09/08/2023 19:55

@Bitterballen
It is different now to how it was when DC was first born. I bath her and feed her and spend lots of time with her. The solicitor asked how much time do we each spend with DC now and I said it is equal. We both have just as much time with her as each other. So she said it would likely be 50/50 split then.

OP posts:
Bitterballen · 09/08/2023 16:44

And if you're honest with yourself OP, do you actually have 50/50 today?
She doesn't let you feed her, bathe her, comfort her....
From what you've said, a divorce and formal 50/50 arrangement would be a significant increase in quality contact time with your DD vs today Flowers

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 09/08/2023 14:49

@boomtickhouse
The solicitor said it doesn't matter who is the biological mother and that it would likely be 50/50 as it's purely based on the best interest of the child and unless the child is being seriously abused by one parent, and proof would need to be provided, it would likely be 50/50.

OP posts:
boomtickhouse · 09/08/2023 14:09

OP - come on! You can do this.

So many of your posts are looking backwards. About the mat leave especially. Yes it was a terrible situation but you don't have to let it define your future. You're actually only a TINY way into parenthood right now. So much more to come. You sound like you could be financially secure after a divorce - you could have a 6 month sabbatical or work PT to get loads of time with your child as they grow up. If you promised yourself that as a reward for leaving would that help?

The child won't remember the mat leave but they will remember the atmosphere they grow up in.

Get your financial paperwork sorted, house on the market, file for divorce. She will be an absolute nightmare so best to lawyer up from the beginning. Go for 70:30 custody on the basis that you are the BIOLOGICAL MUM. Only a year ago this baby was inside your body. You body is powerful, you need to channel that strength now. Yes DP has legal rights but they do not override yours, particularly when you would say to court that the mat leave was part of coercive control.

You need to be brave. The longer this goes on the more ammo she has and potential to twist the parenting narrative.

Twazique · 09/08/2023 10:40

I would also talk to your GP about it all and the effect on your health.

Twazique · 09/08/2023 10:39

I think I would approach it as asking there advice. I would want them to know exactly when I was going to leave for example, and would ask there advice about leaving.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 09/08/2023 07:13

@Twazique
I think you can log it with the police without them taking action from what I've heard? Would I call 101 or the local station?
I'm just worried they'll end up making some kind of welfare call or something because we have a baby.

OP posts:
Twazique · 08/08/2023 17:26

Good luck with the new solicitor OP, I think its a good idea to see a couple.

Have you thought about talking to the police about it all?

Adelstrop · 07/08/2023 19:36

If you are not living in hell, I don’t know who is. Perhaps you mean your
partner is not physically violent, but she is certainly torturing you in other ways. Find the strength to go.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 07/08/2023 19:09

Thank you for your comments. I am taking everything on board. I'm hoping to speak with another solicitor. One who knows more about domestic abuse. Although the one I spoke with advertised that they do, they didn't really seem like it. They made everything sound very straight forward which was music to my eats and made me feel strong and confident at the time. But I feel doubtful again now.

I contacted my local women's aid who gave me details of a solicitor.

My therapist was saying not to move out into a rented place because then I'll end up paying for both rent and my mortgage as we are both named on it, and I currently pay it now. I did tell her my fears of the possible repercussions so she did say then to leave if I'm unsafe.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/08/2023 19:09

This woman terrorised you.

Denied you mat leave.

You have been told repeatedly that your story is truly a shocking tale of coercive abuse.

Are you seriously saying that having been told this repeatedly you have difficulty imagining the police police will be interested.

This woman is an absolutely vicious psycho, of the most awful kind.

She is so far ahead of you.

Do you seriously imagine she is going to "righty oh, sorry about that, let's splict amicable shall we".......really?????

She is going to go scorched earth, absolutely scorched earth.

Your best and only chance is reporting your terror of her to Women's aid and the police, get ahead of her, leave the house for a refuge, possibly get her out of the house via an occupation order, and hope to god that that gives her serious pause.

Anthing else is dulally thinking of the most unbelievably naive kind.

You have written at length how horrifyingly awful she has been, with many many examples, yet you think the police will have no interest?

What exactly do you think the new legislation is about and for?

You yourself used "coercive" in your heading?

I don't get your reticence and confusion when you clearly are aware of the word and its meaning?

Sticking your head in the sand about her awful behaviour unfortunately brought you to this place, please help yourself while you still can.

She will take every moment you are dithering to work fast and furiously to bring you down.

She will do it easily as she is so well versed in creating and manipulating her own self serving narrative.

Your only hope is by telling the police the true horror of her behaviour, they get involved, rendering her powerless as she tries to go after you.

When word gets out that their is serious police involvement, it will wake people up finally to realising there has been a completely different scenario at play.

Good luck.

Bitterballen · 03/08/2023 18:52

At this point I think it would be useful for you to have this thread moved to Relationships where you will get a wider selection of posters who can give you the benefit of their advice, @mnhq are you able to?

Bitterballen · 03/08/2023 18:50

OP really well done for telling your mum. It's really good you are starting to put together a support network.

However I fully agree with PP that your current scenario for leaving is sadly unrealistic. Your idea that she would simply accept you filing for divorce, live in the house together or help you pay for a rental, all the while happily sharing access to your DD, is a fantasy I'm sorry to say.

You need quite a bit more expert support now and I agree with PP re. police. I think you need to contact women's aid again and get some advice on how to leave safely and protect your DD.

Are you discussing this with your therapist? I think it would be useful to talk through your fears around making her treatment of you widely known (police, etc) which is ultimately behind your fantasy scenario that you will tell her you are filing for divorce and she has a personality transplant.

RandomMess · 03/08/2023 07:33

Coercive control is illegal, that's why you talk to the police.

It matters what they think not her. They decide whether they think there is enough evidence to charge her. If there isn't then she need never know.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 02/08/2023 23:07

@MisschiefMaker
I feel like talking to the police is a bit extreme. What would they even make of it? Could they even be bothered with this? What would DW think? I'm thinking id look insane and paranoid contacting the police. I am very hesitant to contact them.

A friend has said to me today that me and dc can stay with her for a few months if we need somewhere to stay.

OP posts:
MisschiefMaker · 02/08/2023 16:47

Op you are getting some good tactical advice here but I'm worried you aren't going to take it.

Perhaps talk to us about your hesitancy to go to the police?

RandomMess · 02/08/2023 11:39

Please think of your DD the more you protect yourself and gain more time with your DD the better she is protected from the emotional abuse she is already experiencing.

You are very strong, you need to carry on being so and is the LAW to protect you.

Why are you against leaving with DD to a refuge and seeking an emergency order?

When you tell your wife it's over what is to stop her fleeing and making up these lies and preventing you having contact??

She is a very dangerous abuser and she will do anything and everything to keep you in place including hurting DD.

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 11:08

RandomMess · 02/08/2023 10:24

Perhaps time to go part time/reduce your hours yourself? Weaken her claim on being primary parent.

If you could agree a temporary reduction of hours with work whilst you'd let out care and money?? Why isn't she working full time?

This.

OP, I think unfortunately you underestimate how vicious she may become.

I fear that your refusal to hep yourself and speak to police, will cost you dearly.

By reporting to the authorities what she has done, you would undoubtedly be getting ahead of her and this.

It would make her far more wary of you.

She clearly senses your withdrawal and is creating a new narrative.

Your refusal to protect yourself will cost you dearly and leave you very exposed to her furtger abuse.

However, if you were to involve the police with the proof you were forced by her to return to work without mat leave etc., you would be getting in front of this.

This is undoubtedly one of the worst cases of abuse ever on MN and she is a cunning snake.

Reporting her coercive control of you and asking for help, could make all the difference to how this works out.

Help yourself before its too late.

RandomMess · 02/08/2023 10:24

Perhaps time to go part time/reduce your hours yourself? Weaken her claim on being primary parent.

If you could agree a temporary reduction of hours with work whilst you'd let out care and money?? Why isn't she working full time?

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 09:34

@rosesarentred3 I think in your case you should file for divorce straight away. You want everything settled- a clean break financially and some rights and boundaries drawn up in relation to DC.

Hopefully you can reach an amicable agreement but if not then the sooner the better to go to court and get everything done.

That's great DC is in nursery and she has returned to work. There is less of an argument that you should be required to financially support her for longer. She can work and support herself.

Good for you OP. Keep posting here when you need to.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/08/2023 07:24

It's great you're starting to think about these things and putting the wheels in motion.

I'd also look at your terminology when you do talk to her about separation and divorce. You don't 'want' to separate, you 'are' separating. You don't 'ask' her to contribute, you tell her she either behaves like an adult whilst you sell the house or you leave and rent a house she will have to pay towards the mortgage/rent otherwise she won't have any where to live: you don't 'ask' you tell, you don't 'want' you 'will do'.

It's very difficult to change this as you're so used to having to ask or get her agreement. But you don't have to do that now, you're an adult who deserves to be heard and make your own decisions.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 02/08/2023 07:05

@RandomMess
She's back in work now part time. And DC is in nursery. The solicitor said it's really simple to file for divorce. You can complete and submit the form online. Or they can do it but it will cost about £500-1,000 extra for them to deal with it.
Do people file for divorce straight away? I was thinking of doing it on the day we separate. But you always see on tv that they ask for a divorce years after separation.
I want it sooner so that whatever money I earn from then is my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 02/08/2023 07:03

@SunRainStorm
She's definitely doing that. I've noticed how she keeps saying and doing things as if I'm really abusive. I was thinking 'what the hell is going on here'. She is saying things constantly like I'm being awful. It's quite unsettling really.
I imagine this is her planting the seed so she can tell everyone what an awful abuser I am.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/08/2023 06:47

Have no doubt she will make your life hell. Be warned she will get far worse.

She will cycle through abuse- promise the moon in a stick. What if she leaves with DC?

I think you need to be very smart. You need everything lined up to file for divorce. I would speak to police about bring coercive control charges.

When does her mat leave end, will DC be going to nursery?

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 06:41

Well done OP, you're seeing her for what she is.

Don't let her accuse you of gaslighting- google DARVO. That's exactly what she is doing, trying to play the role of victim to confuse you.

I hope you extract yourself as soon as possible and start a glorious new chapter.

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