Advice please - coercive control?

Abusers, when control is taken from them, become desperate and can resort to desperate measures to regain control, this is why it is a dangerous time for people leaving those situations. Too many cases in the news to mention the people who have been killed whilst trying to flee abusers.

She knows it's over and has already escalated her behaviour to mind games with the suicide threats and depriving you of sleep last night in the attempt to wear you down.

Please don't sleep there tonight, OP.

By the way, I don't know you but I feel proud of you and know you can do this. She is freaking out because she can sense your strength too, except for her it's a huge threat.

Op you just need to use good old fashioned logic.

You wouldn't need to break up if she wasn't so horrible to you. You wouldn't be phoning a domestic abuse helpline if you didn't feel abused. Lots of posters here can identify what you are enduring as abuse, because it is. I'm sure there are 'good sides' to your partner but all abusers need to have some kind of hook to keep their victims confused and to ensure they keep coming back.

The way she speaks to you is wrong. My husband wouldn't talk to me the way she speaks to you. The way she robbed you of your first moments with your baby and how she constantly gaslights you is disgusting. As a mother I know that ache to nurse your newborn. Find that anger. Look at that woman and muster up the disgust that she deserves for bullying you into go back to work when you needed to recover, for jot letting you breastfeed, foe snapping your head off when you ask a simple question, running you down to your mutual friends, keeping you awake at night, blackmailing you with suicide!

She has conditioned you to see yourself as the problem so you need to get your logical goggles on now and remember that jot one person on this thread has said she isn't too bad or her behaviour sounds OK. Re read your lists that you have been keeping. You need to operate on another level that involves your empathy for others. You need to look at the cold, hard evidence with cold, hard eyes.

I would strike while the iron is hot. Your daughter is in nursery and so it's the perfect time for you to take her before your partner considers taking off with your child.

I think you're engaging with her too much. Don't warn her that you'll phone the police if she threatens to kill herself again. Just phone them. Or just ignore her. She's continuing to control you by constantly grabbing your intention and disrupting your day and your life with her bullshit.

You really, REALLY need to get out. I know you said your family aren't very supportive, but I'm pretty sure that if you turned up at your mum's with your DC and explained that you were being abused by your partner and were trying to escape, she'd at least let you stay the night. Go and pick your DC up from nursery and go.

Do you have your own bank account? If not, set one up NOW and transfer some money from your joint account into it, and speak to your work NOW and ask them as a matter of urgency to change your bank details on their system so your salary gets paid to you from now on and not into a joint account.

My STBXH pulled this suicide nonsense and I see it now as just the end of the line of emotional abuse techniques.

Safe to say he’s still hale and hearty.

PP is right, one of you needs to leave today. If you’re paying the bills it should be her. Arrange a contact schedule, whatever you think is fair, but be wary of giving her unsupervised access if you believe she’ll pull some stunt or other.

I had support from SS early help to kick him out. It was utterly terrifying that they were involved, but made me resolute.

It’s worth it.

OP, collect your DC from nursery this afternoon and drive straight to your mothers house and stay there.

Go back for your belongings later, preferably with a support person and when she isn't there.

Don't drag this out.

Any further suicide or similar threats, don't engage, just call the police.

Don't listen to anything she says. As PP said it's all about her regaining control. There is nothing to be fixed or worked on or changed.

She is an abusive person. In the very worst way. She needs serious help and I keep thinking about what job she may have and if it's with vulnerable people..

Is there someone you can can call to come around and be there while you pack? TBH it may be more helpful to call the police and tell them you are leaving an abusive relationship today and she has made threats to end her life and kill the dog and you need an escort to keep the situation calm whilst you leave.

Can you get out the house for half an hour to make a few phone calls? To the police or to women's aid/the national domestic abuse hotline for advice on how to leave safely today.

I really think you need to leave today OP.

Don't think just do.

Or things will escalate again tonight until she pushed you into a corner.

Rip the band aid off and leave quickly.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abused person tries to leave. The abuser escalates their behaviour trying to regain control of the situation.

She knows you're planning to leave now. Nothing is to be gained by staying. Pack your essentials and valuables, pack for DC and both of you leave, stay with your friend or your Mum.

You can then work out the details re the divorce, arrangements for DC, selling the house at a distance from her, when you are safe.

And yes as a Psychotherapist I would never suggest couples counselling or any counselling where abuse is concerned.

There is nothing to work out or mediate.

The person is abusive end of.

@rosesarentred3

I totally agree with everything @Bitterballen said.

She sensed you were 'on the turn'.
You've now confirmed you want to separate.

Now she will throw the kitchen sink at you. All the promises. The threats. Same old abuse story.

She is desperate because she is losing control. Trying and saying everything and anything that will make you hesitate.

I know you feel scared and anxious and unsure. That's normal.

But remember FEELINGS ARE ALWAYS TEMPORARY. And feeling do not have to dictate our behaviour. You can still feel this terror and hesitation and STILL LEAVE. You will not regret it. Never in a million years. I think you know you won't.

I agree with the others. The time has come for you to leave before thing escalate even further.

Keeping shtum and playing the long game to get your ducks in order only works with a poker face. It must have been so hard to try and do that in the face of all of this. Nigh on impossible for most people. I don't blame you for cracking. You were poked and prodded and goaded relentlessly. Anyone would crack.

But now she knows. And her threats are escalating.

You must leave asap.

Call women's aid again and PLEASE CALL THE POLICE.

Get things moving and don't look back.

Take it from us, OP. She isn't going to kill herself. She just wants to control you. And if she does do something to harm herself, it is solely for the purpose of controlling you and manipulating you.

Think about all of the breakups that mumsnetters have been through. Do you think every time someone broke up with them they all threatened suicide? No. Its only ever used by controlling, unstable people. The mere fact she is pulling this stunt should be indicative of her nature.

You do need to get out ASAP before she gets even more desperate.

People who plan to be dead soon don't care if the police are called, it's not like they will be dealing with the consequences.

She's all smoke and mirrors.

Call the police every time she mentions suicide.

'My partner is saying she is going to kill herself and I don't know what to do'.

They have protocols, they will advise you, it will create a record of her behaviour which you will likely need.

She's not stable and shouldn't have custody, but in the absence of external evidence it will be your word against hers.

There is nothing special about this woman.

She is just a common abusive thug.

Because she is a woman you have allowed yourself to think she can't be that bad.

She is.

She is up there with the very worst cases on here.

At the moment her controlling abuser head is all over the place because she knows she is losing control.

She knows well how she has treated you and she knows well she has abused you.

She is terrified of the truth coming out so she goes from one threat to the other, desperately hoping one will land and bring you back into line.

She has abused both you and your child.

She cares nothing for either of you, just controlling you both.

She is grappling around for any threat, hence the killing of the dog threat.

Anything at all.

She is a cornered animal, and we all know how dangerous they are.

I feel very sorry for your child in the midst of this.

Your denial has been spectacular and has put both you and your child at risk despite many, many people telling you for a long time how bad this situation is.

You as a parent need to step up and do the right thing for your child.

Stop putting yourself first.
Put your child first and tell the truth.

The right thing to do is to not leave her alone for one minute with your child, not a minute.

Police, GP, Women's aid.

But the police station is the first place you should go to if you want to protect your child.

She is a very unstable dangerous woman.

Please help your child and yourself by taking yourself to a police station.

Do not leave that child with her.

When she said she was going to kill herself and was leaving the house to do it, I got my phone ready to call the police and she saw me and said 'you better not be calling anyone!' And came back in the house

Yeah sounds like someone determined to kill themselves. Not.

Couples counselling with abusers is never recommended, in any situation. This is not someone who is going to be amenable to agreeing with a counsellor how to manage a separation, that is very clear.

OP, you're in a dangerous situation now. You've told her you want to leave but without having any exit plan in place. Her behaviour now is exactly why so many posters on this thread advised you against doing that. I'm not saying that to berate you, but to hopefully nudge you into taking some concrete action today. You can't go through another night of this, and she's escalating, so it will get worse and worse.

She's threatening herself, she's now threatening pets...who is next?

Phone in sick today. First thing call Women's Aid, tell them exactly what you've written here. I think you need to ask about a refuge. If they have a place at a refuge then prioritise that and aim to be there tonight. You also need to make a police report. And please tell your mum and friend what the latest of what is happening.

Please don't hope this is going to get better while you don't do anything to get yourself out, it really won't.

In terms of therapy/ couples counselling you might want to consider going to counselling together, not with the aim or reunification but with the aim of getting advice about making the separation and coparenting work as well as possible, and keeping her focused on DC's best interests.

It would make her somewhat accountable for her behaviour as well, as a professional would be telling her that her current behaviour is not acceptable.

Next time she threatens suicide call the police.

Make a record of it.

Calling the police is a completely sensible reaction to a suicide threat.

Saying she'll have the dog killed if you leave is just shocking, a classic abuser move. As is preventing you from sleeping.

Stay strong OP.

Dear Op, I am so impressed with how far you have come. I have been reading your posts through all the name changes and you’ve gone from ‘paralysed in the headlights’ to taking steps, to getting advice, to confiding in a friend and having somewhere to escape to, to remaining calm in her deliberate attempts to derail you. I am so amazed and impressed in your strength. You are wonderful.

I know I’m very late to this thread but I just wanted to start off by saying how brave you are and how proud of yourself you should be. You’re doing absolutely everything right and protecting your baby from growing up in a toxic and unstable home environment because protecting yourself will be protecting her. I can’t offer you any legal advice but I also had an abusive and controlling ex who would threaten to kill themselves whenever I tried to leave. Thankfully no DC together. In the end I had to say to them calmly and clearly “If you are seriously considering making an attempt on your life I’m going to have to contact the Police for the safety of yourself and mine and in your case DC because you’re not emotionally stable and need professional intervention to prevent harm”. Also I must stress if you need to do it then do it also secretly record if you can. You really need to turn the table on this woman and show her you know how unfit she is because your DC is a baby and she’s already manipulating them and causing attachment anxiety (waving bye for a reaction). This is without the trauma of growing up in an abusive household. Everything she says and does screams mental instability she obviously isn’t fit to take care of your child and she is terrified because inside she knows this and knows that you are perfectly capable of providing a wonderful and safe home for your child away from her control. Good luck, please believe in yourself and when your courage wavers look into the face of your beautiful baby because that’s who you are fighting for not just yourself. You can also look into getting a non molestation order and report your concerns about her behaviour to social services.