Advice please - coercive control?

The OP is giving her abusive partner plenty of time to organise herself and protect herself from any accusations the OP may say outside the home.

Neither the OP nor that awful woman are doing whats best for the child which is to involve the police.

Poor child in the midst of such a deeply unstable toxic environment with no one putting her first.

She keeps asking me for a hug or to hold my hand.

This is so gross. She is pushing the boundaries and trying to blur the lines between being an ex and still being in a relationship.

I had an ex like this who would insist on trying to hold my hand after we had split "why is it such a big deal, it's just holding hands." Making it sound like it wasn't a symbol of being in a relationship and that I had no right to not want this and that I was being petty and cruel. Then of course if I did let him hold my hand it was a green light to him that I was consenting to being with him again and he would run with that... he was such a creep. Hold your boundaries and don't let her manipulate you like I was manipulated!

Classic abuser script I'm afraid.

When she sees the sympathy/promises approach isn't working, she will soon (today, tomorrow) bring out the anger again, then the threats will follow.

She's just trying out everything in her toolkit to manipulate you into giving in. When the first tactic doesn't work, she will move onto the next. Please try to see it for what it is.

You need to crack on with leaving - police, solicitor, and go to your mum's.

She's using every trick in the book to manipulate you into staying OP, please stay strong and leave with your DC. You've never seen her like this before because you haven't challenged her before, but it's textbook and you are not responsible for her trauma, she needs to deal with that on her own.
Please keep coming back here if you need strength.

She may well have had childhood trauma, she may well even have personality disorder, BUT she needs to sort that out on her own. And this is not the model for relationships you want your daughter to grow up in.

If you stay things will just slip back to how they were, and you don't deserve to be put through any more of it. She is clearly panicking about losing control, so all the more reason for you to get out asap as she will become more desperate. Distance is required now.

Change is always scary, but take one step / day at a time. Deep breaths - you can do this.

Absolutely. The moment they lose control they've all got childhood trauma and can totally understand their own behaviour. Never actually DO anything about it though, that would involve actual change.

I really hope you go and stay at your mum's with your DD. Maybe ask her to come over to help while you pack in case anything kicks off.

As for the not eating, I'll guarantee she's nibbling when you're not about. It's just a tactic, woe is me I'm so upset I can't even eat.

Please be strong and please log her threats to kill with the police today so they are on record.
you are doing so well x

Telling me she is triggered a lot by her own childhood trauma and that's why she gets so angry with me, but she doesn't mean to.

Bollocks. More manipulation. Don’t fall for this shit.

@rosesarentred3 Please go to your mum’s today with DC. You MUST get away from all this bullshit. She is manipulating you and controlling you literally as we speak.

She will not change. She is not a nice woman. She is an abuser who made your life a misery and separated you from your own child so she could have time off when she was a tiny baby. She doesn’t give a shit about what’s best for your DC; she just wants to possess her like an object and use her as another pawn in her control game. PLEASE go to your mum and when you are there, don’t answer your phone.

Please try not to be influenced by her behaviour, many of us could have written exactly what she would do as it follows the script behaviour of someone who is abusive, it is a manipulative reaction to losing control.
This behaviour is to control you, similar behaviours have worked in the past and she will use everything to keep control.
You need to leave, go to your mums, go anywhere that she is not, whilst in her presence you cannot escape her influence and magnetic pull, you need clarity and people around you who can support you.
Her behaviour will spiral as she tries everything to get control, and one thing that is a 100% guarantee, her behaviour WILL NOT CHANGE, maybe a few weeks of honeymoon type behaviours BUT her abusive behaviour will return and without doubt increase, she wants you and your child fully to herself and under her control.
Please leave, it’s so hard to make that break, but understand that this behaviour is all an Oscar winning performance to get you to stay. Xx

It's more playing the victim, which you KNOW she has done previously to keep you in line and her in control.

She will stop at nothing including lying to the police & WA & the courts to get what she wants. She is very dangerous.

Posted too soon.
you think the penny is dropping with her and that she now realises how she has been because of how remorseful she seems. However the truth is that she has never seen you so resolute and so has never been so sacred to lose control. Not the same thing.

This is all lies designed to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it. You know in your heart that she has been horrible to you. She is doing everything in her power to stop you from leaving because she is losing control. Normal, loving people don't behave in a way which makes their partners ring Womens Aid. This is a cornered animal pulling everything that they can think of, throwing the kitchen sink at a sinking ship.

As po says, where was her compassion when you were vulnerable, recovering from childbirth and yearning to be with your baby only for her to laugh at you and ridicule you in front of your friends for being lazy? Where has her compassion been when you've been asking simp questions and she has snapped at you hurtfully? She isn't going to change . You've never seen her like this because you've never been pushed to your limits like this before. Her behaviour has become so unbearable that the only way you can envisage a happy life is without her. Her behaviour has become so bad that you've now decided to leave. Her fault.

^She said yesterday 'I'm so worried DC will grow up thinking this is all her fault why we've split up'.
I told her we won't let that happen and it isn't DC's fault.^

She’s really scraping the barrel with that one. I have heard that older children sometimes think that but your DD is a baby so won’t remember any different. I think you need to go now sooner rather than later for all your sakes. The details can be sorted out later.

The longer you stay there the longer you'll keep going around this merry go round.

She's talking in your ear constantly trying to convince you not to leave.

I'd bet my career she has an undiagnosed personality disorder. She needs intense long term therapy. The childhood trauma she speaks of makes sense.

Either way, she needs to do that alone. Her behaviour is abusive regardless and you need to leave.

Every minute you stay there she is offering 100 reasons not to go.

Even her saying she hopes DC doesn't grow up to think it's her fault is a comment designed to manipulate you. Plant that seed.

I'd get out today OP.

I know it's hard but don't think just DO.

It's not your responsibility to fix or comfort her.

I would be very cynical of all of this display, it sounds like more manipulation.

You don't need to sort out every detail now, you just need to separate, let the dust settle and work the rest out then.

I assume you're paying most of the rent/mortgage. Do you want her to vacate the property or yourself?

Don't get suckered into her lies. My ex was exactly like yours, and when I finally left I heard all the things your ex has said to from him. I caned and went back. It took him less than 2 weeks to start the emotional abuse again.

You're doing the right thing, it's hard now but you're well on your way to a peaceful life

Well unless she moves out and does a whole heap of therapy and respects your boundaries she isn't ever going to change. She's had years to address some of this an hasn't done a thing.

It doesn't matter why she has behaved like that, she has chosen to carry on and do nothing like it.

Of course she wants you anxious and stressed like her so she can control what happens again. Where has her genuine compassion been for you in all these years been? She has shown NONE, where has her nurture and compassion for DD been? There has been NONE.

Ow she knows you need to ACT you need to speak to a solicitor about get emergency child orders.

There is nothing to stop her making up a pack of lies and feeling with your DD.

Please report her coercive control to the police now.

So sorry for what you're going through OP.

"I feel like I'm being awful towards her and the guilt is eating me alive."

I heard on a podcast recently that "often the guilt is that we're not living up to the other person's expectation of us". An abuser programmes you to behave in a certain way and to feel terrible if you don't, even if it means you are completely neglecting your own needs.

In this situation it is absolutely vital you start to look after your own needs. Perhaps you could let her think you are just going to stay with somone for a few days to let things settle down; like others I would be concerned about her escalating her horrific behaviour if she thinks the relationship is breaking down completely. But I'd echo everyone who has said you need to get out, and fast.

Then she's succeeded if you're feeling guilty and bad. But you're here because she's like this. Stay strong.

Just stick to the facts and logic OP.

You FEEL guilty yes. Because you have been trained to feel this way by her. FEELINGS are always biased and skewers and temporary!

The FACTS are that she is a horrendously abusive person to you and DC. This whole situation is HER FAULT.

The feelings will change and you will realise one day this feeling was WRONG.

The action you take today will always be the right one. Every time.

Im really glad you've spoken to multiple people. Do you have a plan for this eve? Have you collected DC?

Not pathetic at all. It's how you have been trained. I'm assuming you loved this person at some point and obviously saw something in her or you wouldn't have got into a relationship with her. And now she knows the softer, more vulnerable sides to show to you because she knows what buttons to press. The thing is, she IS abusing you and loyalty towards her is the last thing that you need but is the one thing she is counting on. Keep reaching out and telling people. Keep looking for that anger!