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Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
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Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 24/08/2023 13:41

@scoobysnaxx

She would never put anything incriminating in a message. A couple of nights ago she sent me a text message telling me that I am her whole world and she loves me more than anybody and she really wants to make this work and she is willing to go to therapy and change.

Around one minute after she sent me this text message she was sat there swearing at me and telling me how easier her life would be without me in it. She will send me lovely messages saying how much she loves me so she knows what she's doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 24/08/2023 13:38

I have received a phone call today from my Mums Friend to say that my partner showed up at my mum's place of work to talk to her. They have been chatting for the last hour.

No doubt she is trying to talk my mum into talking me around, telling her I'm making a big mistake but my mum knows the majority of the story now I will not be taken in by any of this.

I was on the phone to solicitors when my Mums Friend phoned me so I had to end the call quickly because I knew it would've been something serious as she never phones me.

I have also had an email from my Therapist who has advised me that she has made a referral to MARAC and she has provided me with some details of safe houses if I need to go to them, as well as the domestic abuse helpline is that I have already phone and logged information with.

OP posts:
Zoreos · 24/08/2023 12:24

Hope you’re okay OP, been thinking of you a lot. I hope you’re safe and well. 💐

FrazzledMCPremenopausalWoman · 23/08/2023 13:23

Asking as gently as possible... why are you still in the house OP? You've been given an offer of alternative accommodation at your mum's, you're worried about making phone calls while DP is around, she's disturbing your sleep, you're worried about her taking DD out of nursery. The sensible option is to simply pack a bag and get out, sort everything else out after.

Everthenever · 23/08/2023 09:06

What's happening now OP? I hope you don't mind, but I've been praying for you 🙏 keep us updated.

scoobysnaxx · 22/08/2023 19:28

Yes I agree with PP, you need to inform nursery of the referral to MARAC asap.

Pack a bag and leave.

Don't discuss anything further with her.

Record what you can.

Communicate only via email/text if possible.

dick27 · 22/08/2023 17:11

Pack you and your daughter a bag - go to your mums or friends for a couple of nights at the least. Sleep will allow you to make better decisions. Being away from her will allow you to make all the calls/have the conversations you need to have for the immediate future at the very least.

ZombieNations · 22/08/2023 16:56

I really wish I could give you a hug OP!
This just sounds so chaotic and awful.
And through all of it you actually sound so calm, sensible and thoughtful!
Your wife sounds like a sociopath, you couldn’t of known this before, as that’s all
part of the condition and how a sociopath operates, but you do need to know she will not change. She can’t.
Id she threatens suicide again, call the police, no engagement or reasoning, let them deal with it.
I really hope things get much better for you and the baby soon!

EcoChica1980 · 22/08/2023 16:16

I recognise so much of this behaviour. Do you have reason to think your partner suffers from hypervigilance? Was her upbringing chaotic in some way? That can lead to a deep need to control her environment, including you.

This is not to excuse her behaviour, but to help you frame it in a way which is not so personal - so that you can call it out for what it is and to ultimately leave this relationship.

You should tell her that you want to end the relationship and that you have the right not to be pulled into an argument over it. Tell her you recognise her behaviour as being controlling, and that she does not have the right to do that.

And then leave with your child.

Marchbug · 22/08/2023 16:05

I absolutely think you should pick your DC up and go somewhere temporarily (your Mum's/friends) and speak to agencies from there

TimeForTeaAndG · 22/08/2023 15:45

While she is out, can you pack a small amount of things and YOU pick up your DD and go to your mum's?
You need sleep apart from anything else.

MisschiefMaker · 22/08/2023 15:43

rosesarentred3 · 22/08/2023 15:40

@MisschiefMaker

I panicked and just went on to change the password.

I am absolutely gutted that I did not screenshot that. I wish I had, but I didn't.

Well... you can always change your passwords back and try to catch her out again! haha.

But don't worry, you don't need that screenshot. Just try to be alert to any opportunities to get evidence or witnesses, and most importantly start keeping a diary and list of all the things she says and does.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 22/08/2023 15:41

@babbscrabbs

I have called nursery and she is still there.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 22/08/2023 15:40

@MisschiefMaker

I panicked and just went on to change the password.

I am absolutely gutted that I did not screenshot that. I wish I had, but I didn't.

OP posts:
MisschiefMaker · 22/08/2023 15:27

rosesarentred3 · 22/08/2023 14:37

@babbscrabbs

I really hope not, but the thought did cross my mind. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night as my phone lit up. I had a notification on my phone saying that another device had accessed my Apple account and could read messages etc. Therefore, I changed all my passwords.

If this happens again you need to screen shot that notification.

babbscrabbs · 22/08/2023 14:51

Have you called nursery yet?

babbscrabbs · 22/08/2023 14:51

rosesarentred3 · 22/08/2023 14:37

@babbscrabbs

I really hope not, but the thought did cross my mind. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night as my phone lit up. I had a notification on my phone saying that another device had accessed my Apple account and could read messages etc. Therefore, I changed all my passwords.

I would put nothing past her

Please do the log out of all devices for MN and start a new thread under a new username if needs be changing some details of you suspect she's read this.

You need to have a safe space x

RandomMess · 22/08/2023 14:50

You need to inform the nursery as to what is going on including the MARAC referral due to her abuse of you and also DD.

Daftapath · 22/08/2023 14:48

I would suggest trying to only communicate via email. Refuse to engage verbally at all. Email her in response to her demands.

Also, start keeping a diary of your conversations and the times.

Are you in separate bedrooms?

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 22/08/2023 14:37

@babbscrabbs

I really hope not, but the thought did cross my mind. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night as my phone lit up. I had a notification on my phone saying that another device had accessed my Apple account and could read messages etc. Therefore, I changed all my passwords.

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 22/08/2023 14:34

Sorry xposted but good you got a recording

Are you sure she's not reading this btw

babbscrabbs · 22/08/2023 14:33

Can you try to record some of her behaviour, video or audio? Because otherwise it could be your word against hers x

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 22/08/2023 14:32

@Daftapath

Yes, I feel like I am constantly on edge and I am filled with anxiety.

This isn't anything new because I always have anxiety and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells to some extent, but this is definitely happening more so for me.

Because she is being quite unpredictable.

She would never in a million years put anything incriminating in a text or email. She has never ever ever done this. No matter how furious she has been her text messages have always been completely civil. There is no evidence there.

However, I did manage to get a recording, not long ago where she was saying she is going to take her own life and wants me to look after the baby full-time. She has since changed this and said she wants the baby four days a week.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 22/08/2023 13:40

I wound definitely contact the nursery. They may not be able to stop her collecting your baby as she has parental responsibility but they can certainly stall her and call you. Ask them to keep a note of her behaviour.

This is why you need to start to communicate with her by email so that you have a paper trail of her behaviour and how irrational she is. Tell her that you will no longer discuss anything face to face but that she should put things in an email to you. Maybe also keep a diary of conversations you have.

I would also be looking at speaking to the police and solicitor about whether you would be able to get an occupation order on the house (so she has to move out) and also a non molestation order (so she has to stay away) ... another reason for requiring some written evidence.

Staying under the same roof as her is not going to improve. Her behaviour is erratic, bizarre, abusive and escalating. She is not getting the results she wants yet so is ramping up her attempts to control. Who knows how far she will go?

For now, I would choose your battles and not engage about the dog nor changing your baby's surname. The most pressing is to get her or you and the baby out of the house. Then look at divorce, financial settlement and custody. Well done for refusing to plan these without solicitors.

I have been where you are and understand not being able to see the wood for the trees. Lack of sleep, being on constant high alert are all awful!

scoobysnaxx · 22/08/2023 13:30

Call the nursery ASAP.
And get out of there.
She is escalating.

I am worried she will run off with DC at some point soon. Claim sanctuary at the police station or something or spin them a tale.

All they will see if HER leaving YOU in fear.

Get out before she has a chance to spin this narrative. Because she will.

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