Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
TwistedCherry · 28/08/2023 18:42

@rorosesarentred3 although I haven't commented on your post for a very long time, I have been checking in very regularly to keep updated.

I just want to say that you have done the most amazing thing by reporting her to the police, I totally understand how you feel when you say you feel guilty and disloyal.

I don't want to make your thread about me at all but I want to tell you what's gone in with me, in the hopes that it keeps you strong and pushes you in the right direction.

I reported my DP to the police last week and they came to see me at my workplace as it's the safest place for me and asked me some questions, I felt awful but glad I'd told someone of authority that agreed it was controlling and coercive behaviour.

Me and DP had a massive argument on Saturday morning, which I voice recorded the majority of it. She had to take me to work this morning as the buses weren't running early enough and she was horrible in the car, my DS was in the car the entire time. I got to work and felt like I was having a panic attack. My colleagues came to calm me down (they know everything) and they rang the police on the non emergency number, a police woman came to see me and I made a statement and the police arrested her.

She's currently in custody and is waiting to be interviewed. I'm back home with my son. She will likely be realised with bail conditions and the police will let me know everything I need to. Although I'm scared and feel guilty, I also feel so relieved.
The police woman said to me that I'm very brave and if they didn't think the situation or her abuse was severed enough they wouldn't have arrested her.

I really hope, in me telling you this, it keeps you going. You've done the right thing and you will feel so much better once the worst is over.

SunRainStorm · 27/08/2023 00:29

'She will probably think I'm insane for even suggesting that she has been coercively controlling me.'

I'm yet to hear of an abuser that agrees they are abusive. Don't let that be your barometer, OP. She'll never acknowledge what she did, it's not in her interests to do that. She's too selfish to give you that kind of affirmation or closure.

MisschiefMaker · 26/08/2023 23:53

rosesarentred3 · 26/08/2023 19:31

I do feel incredibly disloyal. I'm so worried of what will happen next. She will probably think I'm insane for even suggesting that she has been coercively controlling me. The police said they will call me this week to take more thorough details.

I do really regret it. I'm so worried. I'm terrified it will come up on her DBS check for work. I really do regret it but I can't take it back now.

If you can, try not to let her see that you feel guilty. She will try to use that against you.

Remember: you have not lied to the police. If they decide to follow it up then that's because she has been abusive. It was HER actions that caused this, not yours.

scoobysnaxx · 26/08/2023 21:15

Everything you have written to us here, is your words.
They are not fabricated.
They are not exaggerated.
It is a perfect case of coercive abuse. That is undeniable.
A side effect of this abuse is the sheer DOUBT, GUILT and REGRET you are now feeling.
Others in your situations would very likely have gone through the same old emotions. And self critical thoughts - no one will believe me... they'd be so hurt... maybe I've exaggerated.
OP you've had years of being told YOU are the problem and YOU are crazy/can't cope/a liar and whatever else.

YOU KNOW THIS.

Remember all emotions are only TEMPORARY. They are biased. They are rarely reflective of the truth and reality.

You may not trust yourself OP.

But trust us. What you have written here is undeniable. We don't have to know you or her to see this. We are not jumping to conclusions. You have written what you have for a reason. Because it's true. It did happen. You wrote it here for a reason. The title is COERCIVE CONTROL. Everything you have written is text book.

Please know you did the right thing.
Always.
For you and DC.

One day you will see this so very very clearly and thank yourself and be so proud of yourself that you took action instead of letting the fear control you and stay in this situation.

And so will your baby.

RandomMess · 26/08/2023 21:08

I'm hoping she'll be required to leave the house by op getting and occupation order and if she starts harassing her getting a non-molestation order.

Have you spoken to eights of women about getting these?

10HailMarys · 26/08/2023 20:40

rosesarentred3 · 26/08/2023 19:31

I do feel incredibly disloyal. I'm so worried of what will happen next. She will probably think I'm insane for even suggesting that she has been coercively controlling me. The police said they will call me this week to take more thorough details.

I do really regret it. I'm so worried. I'm terrified it will come up on her DBS check for work. I really do regret it but I can't take it back now.

You are absolutely brainwashed by her if you feel 'disloyal' for reporting her.

Frankly, I hope it does come up in her DBS check because she's a fucking danger.

Bitterballen · 26/08/2023 20:17

Well done OP, you're so brave. You have done the right thing, despite all her crap - you should be so proud of yourself about how strong you're being!

She will probably think I'm insane for even suggesting that she has been coercively controlling me.
It doesn't matter what she thinks. It's extremely clear she has coercively controlled you in some of the worst possible ways. She has made your life, and your DD's life, a misery through her abuse. What she has done, and what she continues to do, is a crime.

What is going to help you to leave the house? The longer you stay there, the worse things are going to get.

Everthenever · 26/08/2023 20:04

rosesarentred3 · 26/08/2023 19:31

I do feel incredibly disloyal. I'm so worried of what will happen next. She will probably think I'm insane for even suggesting that she has been coercively controlling me. The police said they will call me this week to take more thorough details.

I do really regret it. I'm so worried. I'm terrified it will come up on her DBS check for work. I really do regret it but I can't take it back now.

This is the coercive control talking. I don't doubt that she would have done the same thing (except with lies) and will probably be kicking herself that she didn't get in there first.

Remember your maternity leave. Keep that anger.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 26/08/2023 19:31

I do feel incredibly disloyal. I'm so worried of what will happen next. She will probably think I'm insane for even suggesting that she has been coercively controlling me. The police said they will call me this week to take more thorough details.

I do really regret it. I'm so worried. I'm terrified it will come up on her DBS check for work. I really do regret it but I can't take it back now.

OP posts:
Wittyapple · 26/08/2023 19:30

it’s scary now OP but you’ve done the right thing. Let us know how you get on!

Mamma2017 · 26/08/2023 16:38

Well done OP you’ve done the right thing 100% keep going xxx

scoobysnaxx · 26/08/2023 16:15

You did the right thing. 100% fact.
Your feelings and thoughts right now are skewed as you are the victim of such abuse. You have been trained essentially to think this was a bad idea and you're a terrible person for doing this.

This isn't true. Not one iota.

Well done. It must've been so hard.

ONE DAY YOU WILL THANK YOURSELF. Know that.

Everthenever · 26/08/2023 15:24

What did the police say?

Everthenever · 26/08/2023 15:23

Well done op!

Zoreos · 26/08/2023 15:22

Well done OP, you should be so proud of yourself for your shining courage and although it’s scary you’ve done 100% the right thing. You’re taking steps to retake control of your life for you and for your DC. They will have a happy home with you and grow up knowing what true love and respect is. You don’t need permission from anybody for safeguarding your peace and your safety. Right now you are clouded by your love for a toxic person. Soon when you’re out of it you will see the shocking crimes that the woman who should have your best interests at heart has committed against you. I know you probably feel like you’re being disloyal but you’re undoing all the damage she’s caused you and there’s nothing disloyal about that. Stay strong, you’re nearly there.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 26/08/2023 15:03

I've logged it with the police. I am terrified and shaking. I regret doing it already. I really wish I hadn't and now it's too late.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/08/2023 16:54

I hope you told your Mum that all that is bare faced lies.

scoobysnaxx · 24/08/2023 16:48

rosesarentred3 · 24/08/2023 16:20

My mum has contacted me to say that when my partner went to go and see her today at work, she told my mum that I have depression, that I won't be able to cope and look after my daughter, I have never cooked a meal for us and I have never cooked for my daughter. All of that is not true.

And she said that just because I am the birthmother that does not mean that I have the right to stay in the house.

How bloody predictable. Classic planting of the seed. She's only giving you more information to go off.

To be honest it doesn't matter if she's never abusive via text. Abusers are clever, they often don't.

The overwhelming amount of coercive and abusive behaviours will put the "niceties" into context. Services will often see this pattern and won't be fooled.

Have you reported to the police/moved out?

As PP said, what is stopping you and is there anything that will help you to make these actions?

MisschiefMaker · 24/08/2023 16:31

I suppose it's good that she's giving you a heads up about what all her arguments are going to be during custody discussions.

Next time you're preparing lunch or dinner while watching the kid make a cute little video of the child with you talking through everything "look! This is cheese! Do you want to hold a CARROT? Ooh, it's orange!" Etc. Make sure there's no sharp knives in the video that she might use against you of course.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 24/08/2023 16:20

My mum has contacted me to say that when my partner went to go and see her today at work, she told my mum that I have depression, that I won't be able to cope and look after my daughter, I have never cooked a meal for us and I have never cooked for my daughter. All of that is not true.

And she said that just because I am the birthmother that does not mean that I have the right to stay in the house.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 24/08/2023 15:48

Once you move out and have no face to face contact, the only way that she will be able to communicate with you will be by text or email. She is much more likely to write something abusive then. I imagine that she won't be able to hold herself back from doing so.

Bitterballen · 24/08/2023 15:44

FrazzledMCPremenopausalWoman · 23/08/2023 13:23

Asking as gently as possible... why are you still in the house OP? You've been given an offer of alternative accommodation at your mum's, you're worried about making phone calls while DP is around, she's disturbing your sleep, you're worried about her taking DD out of nursery. The sensible option is to simply pack a bag and get out, sort everything else out after.

Agree. OP how can you be helped into taking the next step, engaging with DV services and going to your mums? What would help you feel able to do it?

Whiskeypowers · 24/08/2023 15:24

Confiding in other people about you and how they are worried is classic controlling behaviour. My ex did it to my friends and family. It didn’t work.

If your therapist has made this referral then you really ought to strike while the iron is hot so to speak. She is becoming more concerning in every one of your posts.

it’s an awful place to be you have my every sympathy and empathy.

LifeExperience · 24/08/2023 13:48

OP, that confusion you feel is because of her coercive control. Please leave this relationship.

MisschiefMaker · 24/08/2023 13:42

God she is so cunning and calculating!!