Advice please - coercive control?

If it helps to regain your perspective, why not re-read this entire thread. Would that help? Maybe imagine it’s a friend writing the words you wrote- would you think she was overreacting?
I recognise the classic “what if Im overreacting “ feeling from my own experience of being in an abusive relationship & how almost brain-washed I was & conditioned and weakened by him- I had internalised his voice telling me I’m over-sensitive & over-reacting. Gaslighting at its finest!! Now I look back & think- oh. my. fucking. god. How did I even question myself? I was massively being abused. As are you OP to the actual extreme-I can’t put it to you any other way.

I understand. It's also because she isn't a 1D character in a kid's comic. She is a real person with, I'm sure, enough (seemingly) good traits to make you start seeing her in the first place. You probably saw what you thought was a vulnerable side, or heard stories about her childhood. The kind, compassionate person that you are saw a vulnerable and damaged person in her and even though she is the perpetrator, maybe in some ways you also see her a the victim. I don't know. I'm sensing that you feel an immense loyalty towards her, in spite of everything.

However, when you think about all of the relationships in your life, make a note of how many of them make you feel uncomfortable, scared or worried? What is it about those people compared to the ones who make you feel happy, calm or relaxed? The ones who make you scared are the ones where the person does scary things, where you don't feel safe. Do you feel scared around other people, people who treat you normally? No, I bet you don't. Because you understand, on some level, that you are in more danger with some people than others. Have you ever felt compelled to call the police about anyone else in your life? Why not? Because nobody has done this to you, and made you feel that you need their help.

I've never once considered going to the police about my husband, because he doesn't scare me and he doesn't control me. If you have gone to the police because you feel scared and controlled, it's because a scary and controlling person has driven you to it.

I read your last and all of this one too, and your partner sounds devious, manipulative, jealous, resentful and twisted. I'm sure she has more positive qualities too, but they don't actually count. I recently read a great on mumsnet. It was about an absolute deadbeat of a boyfriend who the OP said was a really nice guy but sometimes did this one mean thing.

Someone said 'nice guys don't have a mean side, but mean guys have a nice side'. Kind people don't abuse their partners, but abusive people can be kind.

If you could have her arrested but never have to face her, see her or hear from her again, would you feel differently?

OP I’ve just re the full thread. You are so strong to get where you are now.

Are you worried that deep down, she really isn't that bad, and that maybe you actually are the problem, you're 'mental' and she was right all along? That you would be the bad guy if she gets arrested, when maybe she isn't that bad and doesn't really deserve to be arrested?

Because it seems that you are completely conditioned to feel fear, obligation and guilt which are classic traits of someone who has been manipulated within an inch of their life.

Remember: it's not your call to make whether she deserves to be arrested or not. The police, who are experienced and knowledgeable will know better than you whether she has broken the law.

It's classic coercive control. It's illegal. If they arrest her it's because she deserves it. Anyone who tries to control, manipulate and gaslight another human being deserves the full force of the law.

It's terrifying now but please feel the fear and do it anyway, because it's the right thing to happen, should the police wish to arrest her.

OP, how are your plans to leave going? Stay strong and keep focused on the end goal. You can do this no matter how hard it feels.

@TwistedCherry thank you for sharing your story. I think/hope it's so so valuable to the OP. I'm so glad you made the decision you did and things are looking up for you x

Stumbled across this thread and have read it in real horror. You poor woman, you are clearly in such distress. If there is no risk to you, can you try and record her saying some of the more appalling things? Wishing you all the luck for a peaceful life with your DD

@rrosesarentred3

Honestly sweet, just get her arrested. You honestly will thank yourself for it. I know it seems scary, I had the exact same feelings so I totally understand but it was the best thing that could have happened in my situation.

I'm so much happier and relaxed already, I have freedom to do what I want now and it's great. I've literally just finished talking to my tattooist about designing my next tattoo, something that my now ex DP wouldn't have let me do.

Please, please just the police arrest her. You'll be amazed about how much better you'll feel once she is gone. That step is by far the hardest but honestly is the best step aswell

Why are you so worried about her being arrested?

You sound so very terrified of this person in your life. I cannot begin to understand what you are going through but, I do ask, how many years do you think you and your child can bear this situation? It's very unlikely to get better - more likely to get worse until you are a shadow of yourself.

Please please get yourself out of the home with your child to family or friends and get their in real life support to call the police and be open with them. 🌹

Leave her to it.

She's not your partner anymore. If she wants to collapse and carry on with a dying swan act, let her. In all likelihood it's just another manipulation- don't take the bait.

I know you don't want her arrested but it might help clarify to yourself and others just how severe her behaviour has been, and undo some of the gaslighting work she's done.

She will never get it or agree. She thinks only of herself.

This is one of the worst threads I’ve read on here.

It’s really touched a nerve- she seems so sinister.

It’s good you’ve logged it but please just leave - your partner seems unhinged.

Why don't you want her to arrested?

@rosesarentred3 so when I first contacted the police I did so through a non emergency email. Explained what had gone on in the relationship.

They saw me in person (last Thursday) at my work place as it was the safest place to see me. I told the officer everything and he said that it's definitely controlling and coercive behaviour and I need to justify my reasons for them not taking action. My reasons were that I'm planning on leaving when she returns to work and by the police having contact with her she'd know something was going on, so at the time they weren't going to make contact with her, they were just logging everything down.

On Monday morning she had to take me to work and was horrible the entire journey. When I got into work I started having a panic attack, I was calmed down by the help from colleagues and an ACP (I work in A&E) my colleagues (who know everything) rang the police for me, an officer came into my work and I remained with her for the rest of my shift making a statement. She said whether or not I make a statement and regardless of what I want to happen, they will be arresting my partner. I was shocked and petrified, which the officer appreciated.

When my partner came to pick me up from work, another unit was there waiting and once I knew she was outside I told the officer and she radioed through to the other unit, they then arrested her away from the car as my DS was in there. I then went with the officer to my son.

DP was put into custody and interviewed. She has since been realised with bail conditions, she's not allowed to make any contact with me, she can't even be on the street in which I live. If she breaches her bail conditions, I am to immediately dial 999. She is to go back to be interviewed again on 3rd November.

So far, she hasn't breached her bail conditions and has left me alone to stay in our flat with our DS.

I have to admit that, although it's not what I originally planned or even wanted, it was the best thing that happened. I'm still at home, I haven't had to leave or uproot our DS, he can still go to school next week as normal. I'm so much more relaxed already, I do feel guilty and I've got lots to sort out legally but this has literally been the best thing to have happened.

So she was controlling in ways that I couldn't leave the home unless going to work and when I did, I'd have to tell her when I was on the bus, when I got into work and the same going home again, I wasn't allowed to stay at home on my own, I couldn't wear anything low cut, too clingy, too short, weren't allowed anymore tattoos or piercings, she'd constantly accuse me of cheating or wanting attention from men. She'd call me names all the time, threatened to kill me etc.

I can't stress enough that if the police want to arrest your DP, please let them. They won't arrest someone if they don't think it is absolutely necessary. My DP must know now how serious her abuse has been or else she wouldn't be in the situation that she's in.

I can guarantee if your DP got arrested, you'd feel guilty but that will soon change when you get a sense of life without her, my life has already improved without my DP around. I am actually free now and have freedom to do what I like, when I like and I haven't had that feeling for 10 years. It sounds so strange saying it to myself but I've done it, I am free. And I really hope you can do it too, you'll be pleased when you have, trust me

Update us OP? Are you ok?

@TwistedCherry yes well done you!! Keep going and don't look back x

How are you doing, OP?

Well done to you too!