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Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

806 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
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9
Bitterballen · 04/09/2023 08:00

In which case, what's stopping you moving to your mum's with DD for a bit, to get some space?

She clearly doesn't give shiny shit.

You are getting nothing at all from staying there - not even help caring for DC now.

Everthenever · 04/09/2023 07:06

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 07:04

It's easier because she didn't give birth to her and being the highly abusive head case she is, who likes to terrorise you, she is in fact not emotionally connected to your child at all.

Like many male abusers, she has zero difficulty in using and weaponising the children.

Keep detailed times, notes and word for word conversations.

I agree. She doesn't love your child like you do, not like a parent should. She loves her like a possession or something to control or use against you.

Document everything!

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 07:04

It's easier because she didn't give birth to her and being the highly abusive head case she is, who likes to terrorise you, she is in fact not emotionally connected to your child at all.

Like many male abusers, she has zero difficulty in using and weaponising the children.

Keep detailed times, notes and word for word conversations.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 04/09/2023 06:55

@Mamma2017

It's bizarre to me too. She left the house for a few hours before which makes me wonder if she went to see a friend and they said this to her?

She keeps using the phrase 'I need to put my own oxygen mask on first'.

It's been really hard doing it all. Especially the night feeds and then getting up early in the mornings etc as I'm getting around 5 hours sleep per night. It's been hard.

I wonder what would happen if I just stopped completely and decided to do absolutely nothing for our DC? It doesn't make sense to me to make a decision to do absolutely nothing for your child? It doesn't even feel like an option? You have to do it.
She's only 1!

OP posts:
Mamma2017 · 04/09/2023 03:25

rosesarentred3 · 03/09/2023 22:49

Thank you all for your reassuring and motivating comments.

She told me tonight that she needs to take care of herself, therefore she doesn't want me to make any requests of her for the next few days, including anything for DC. She said she wants me to pretend like she isn't here.

I asked her to confirm "do you not want me to ask for help with DC in any way at all? You won't help with anything?"

And she said no because she needs to care for herself first, and that is her being a 'good mum'.

She said she knows I must be exhausted and she isn't doing this on purpose but she needs rest.

As a parent you don’t get to just “sign out” of being a parent & looking after your child cos you want a rest for days on end! Yes you have to look after yourself too but your child’s needs are a priority! Baby comes first! You can’t just sign out for days on end leaving it all to your partner!! She is not a parent to your child OP she’s showing you that. She doesn’t give a shit it’s literally ALL about her and what she needs, no one else factors in, certainly not you or your baby. I can’t believe the audacity - I can’t imagine anyone I know saying to their partner “ yeh you’re on your own now for a week, I can’t be doing with parenting & babies right now so you can do it all-see ya”
Thing is she’s awful to that baby anyway making them cry purposely etc so it’s better if she does stay away so you can move on.

DameCurlyBassey · 04/09/2023 00:34

And I would also like to reiterate what others have said about your courage and ability to cope with all this. You should be very proud of yourself.

OhNoForever · 04/09/2023 00:28

I just read through your thread I want to say that you are doing so so well. When you finally get to the other side of this it will be worth it. When you have your little one, and your own home and space for yourself you will be so proud of getting through ❤️

DameCurlyBassey · 04/09/2023 00:04

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 19:21

@Bitterballen

Thank you. I have considered calling women's aid but feel a bit of a fraud because I know some people who will call them will be people living in hell who certainly need the help more than I do.

Op, you too are living in hell but you are so used to it you can’t see it.

Everthenever · 03/09/2023 23:55

She's actually crazy, OP

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/09/2023 23:54

Oh and if you're in ANY doubt - she does not care for your child. She covets her like a possession, the attention having a child gives her, the control the child gives her... but she does not care for her at all, she only cares about herself.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/09/2023 23:52

This is horrific, truly horrific OP.

Can you record her saying nasty things - there are phone voice record apps that are sound activated. I would use that to record the things she says to show there is a dramatic discrepancy between what she allows to be recorded via messages/texts and what she ACTUALLY says and does.

I hope you can get her out of your home soon, I really do.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 03/09/2023 22:49

Thank you all for your reassuring and motivating comments.

She told me tonight that she needs to take care of herself, therefore she doesn't want me to make any requests of her for the next few days, including anything for DC. She said she wants me to pretend like she isn't here.

I asked her to confirm "do you not want me to ask for help with DC in any way at all? You won't help with anything?"

And she said no because she needs to care for herself first, and that is her being a 'good mum'.

She said she knows I must be exhausted and she isn't doing this on purpose but she needs rest.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 03/09/2023 13:27

Have you thought about getting the house valued by a few estate agents? You will need to do this at some point in order to start discussing finances

Everthenever · 03/09/2023 12:22

By the way, don't let any threats she makes to you about custody get under your skin. She is clutching at straws because she is desperate to own you and your child.

Everthenever · 03/09/2023 12:18

You're amazing op.
Keep asking her just so she can say no and record it in secret. She doesn't care about your child if she would let her needs go unmet to punish you.

Play the long game OP.
She's not as clever as she thinks.
I'm trying ro imagine if my husband would ever refuse to 'help' me with our child and he just wouldn't. What sort of person uses a child like a weapon?

scoobysnaxx · 03/09/2023 11:33

All YOU are doing OP is proving everyday that YOU CAN COPE ALONE with DC.

You can give her everything she needs, take her here and there, drop her to nursery and collect her, cook and work full time.

Go you. This is undeniable evidence of your resilience.

scoobysnaxx · 03/09/2023 11:31

Yup classic punishing behaviour.

She's dumb as hell because all she is doing is providing more evidence that she a) doesn't give a shit about DC b) doesn't look after her and c) is manipulating you but trying to get you to see life will be harder apart. She literally said that. She's deliberately doing nothing to break you and make you think you can't do it alone.

As @billy1966 said, record EVERYTHING secretly. Dates, times. What she does and doesn't do. What she SAYS. Her behaviour is contradictory. Off work and in bed 12 hours a day woe is me. But can get herself ready and go see her friends all day. Yet can't old her own child while you shower?

She's so stupid! She's literally proving your entire point that she is a manipulative abuser.

And all of her behaviour is NOT in the best interests of the child so she desperately can't live without.

Def re read the thread OP. Keep going. Keep focused xx

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 03/09/2023 11:07

@billy1966

Yes I did think this. Because I've been going each day. As well as working. She's still off work.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 03/09/2023 11:07

@Daftapath

Yes I did and she said "of course I am. I bought her some food the other day didn't I? That's how we think so differently. Because you're not seeing all I'm doing".

Although I can see it. And what I can see is, she's doing nothing at all for DC. she wouldn't even hold her while I got ready.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/09/2023 11:01

Get confirmation from the nursery that she has not been dropping nor collecting.

Don't let her know that you are keeping note.

This will be further proof of her hands off approach with the baby.

Get a video bell.
That would record her being in and out.

Keep a note every day of her staying in bed all day and going out.

Dates, times, details, proof.

Daftapath · 03/09/2023 10:25

Have you pointed out that she isn't caring for the baby at all currently?

Mamma2017 · 03/09/2023 10:13

rosesarentred3 · 03/09/2023 10:09

@Mamma2017

I would still be paying the mortgage and bills etc so I've mentioned about her leaving. And she said she has been advised not to leave the house because it could go against her when it comes to getting custody of DC because it'll look like she isn't caring for her. She isn't anyway even though she's in the same house.

I have another solicitors appointment this week and an appointment with a mortgage advisor.

It wouldn’t. Couples with kids split all the time and one moves out doesn’t have any bearing on their rights to custody. Everything she says is a lie & manipulation don’t listen to a word. Glad to hear re appointments you’re making brilliant progress, keep us all updated!

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 03/09/2023 10:09

@Mamma2017

I would still be paying the mortgage and bills etc so I've mentioned about her leaving. And she said she has been advised not to leave the house because it could go against her when it comes to getting custody of DC because it'll look like she isn't caring for her. She isn't anyway even though she's in the same house.

I have another solicitors appointment this week and an appointment with a mortgage advisor.

OP posts:
Mamma2017 · 03/09/2023 09:56

rosesarentred3 · 03/09/2023 09:41

@Mamma2017

I think that is a good idea. I have at times read the logs that I have kept and the notes that I have made about the relationship. It might be worth reading this thread again.

Since I ended the relationship, she hasn't spent any time with our child. She has not been getting up for any night feeds or getting up in the morning.

She has not helped with the bedtime routine, or making tea, or sorting breakfast, she hasn't taken DC to nursery or picked her up.

She has either been out to see her friends for hours and hours at a time. She has stayed with a friend for one night and then went out for the whole day until 9.30pm.

She has also been staying in bed for 12 hours at a time during the day watching TV.
When I ask her if she can help, she says no . Sometimes she has said to me "well this is how hard it will be if we are not together".

Yesterday I asked if she could look after DC while I had a shower and she said no.
The night before I asked if she could put DC to bed while I walked the dog and she said no.

Classic punishing behaviour. The sooner you leave the sooner you & baby can move on & heal. Stay strong 💪🏼

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 03/09/2023 09:41

@Mamma2017

I think that is a good idea. I have at times read the logs that I have kept and the notes that I have made about the relationship. It might be worth reading this thread again.

Since I ended the relationship, she hasn't spent any time with our child. She has not been getting up for any night feeds or getting up in the morning.

She has not helped with the bedtime routine, or making tea, or sorting breakfast, she hasn't taken DC to nursery or picked her up.

She has either been out to see her friends for hours and hours at a time. She has stayed with a friend for one night and then went out for the whole day until 9.30pm.

She has also been staying in bed for 12 hours at a time during the day watching TV.
When I ask her if she can help, she says no . Sometimes she has said to me "well this is how hard it will be if we are not together".

Yesterday I asked if she could look after DC while I had a shower and she said no.
The night before I asked if she could put DC to bed while I walked the dog and she said no.

OP posts:
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