To think my DM is very unpractical?

A few things I wonder... How old is she? has she always been like this? Is it getting worse? Can she do the things she wants to do? All of this I ask because I think you need to understand what is going on in order to deal with it.

She is probably feeling she is walking on eggshells, knowing everything she does is not correct therefore stressed and muddled trying her best but making things worse, forgetting to put a top on an open drink. You admit she is shy and nervous so explaining things in a brusque manner does not help at all.
A person works better with praise and love not with hurtful distancing and exclusion.

Definitely sounds like learning disability. I don’t think I’d be comfortable leaving my children with her.

You could be describing my mother. She only knows how to do the things in her house, and does the bare minimum. She also married young, did everything domestic for my dad & us (me & sister). She’s never paid a bill in her life. She doesn’t have a mobile phone. She’s not an old woman, either.

If me or my dad are there, she plays dumb. We’ll able to get around when she’s alone. Same, she’ll hand me a packet of crisps claiming she can’t open it. Can’t ask a waitress for milk for the tea. Can’t find the platform at the train station, etc…

She quite likes being eccentric. Said when she was a kid, that she was away with the fairies. Couldn’t concentrate at school, and left very young. Got by on her looks mostly. And her plan was to marry a college boy, buy a house & have kids.

I have the same thing with my mum. Do what I do OP, accept she will never be any help with your kids and thank god you made it to adulthood relatively unscathed!

My DF was 62 when asked by my DM to keep an eye on the GS ( my DSister’s son and first of 10 GC), while she ran a quick errand. When she got back she found DGS2 screaming, his head stuck between two sliding doors of a closet. My DF was deaf in one ear and was typing away on his old fashioned type writer at other end of the house. Didn’t hear a thing ! I was horrified to learn this and never left my DC with him afterwards.
However one day on holiday my DF was carrying my DS1 on a walk and thought it was hilarious to suspend him over a very high wall. First time in my life I severely scolded ( cannot find appropriate term) my DF. Never trusted him again.

I think with age some DP’s severely lose their discernment. DF died 20 years later with all his mind.
A warning to all young parents who trust their parents with the DC!

She is pretty shy/nervous and hasn't ever really worked, she got married young. She was always a SAHM,

So how much did your dad do when you were young? Either of these are possibilities- he took over so she didn't have to and you never really noticed, or he undermined her to the point she can't cope.

I'm not saying it's either but you need to look back at your childhood. If she really was coping back then, there could be the possibility of some form of autoimmune condition that cause pain in hands and terrible brain fog.

Hey, just a very gentle suggestion that if you are attributing these things to being 72- you might like to speak to your GP.

None of those things will be caused by your age alone and there may be something the doctor can do for you.

I suppose my mum can be a bit like this, although not quite as bad. She can do the things you've described but she's a real faffer and a bit day dreamy and I find it's often easier to just do stuff myself with her.

It doesn't really bother me though because she has other qualities like being absolutely amazing at imaginary play and perhaps the only adult in existence who will willingly do it for hours.

Sigh. Practical things I can no longer do.

• Use a spray deoderant, I no longer have the strength to depress the canister with one hand

•Take the lid from a carton of butter

• Use any type of tin opener

• open any jar

Etc ect and so on. I'm 72, and I just don't have the body strength.

As for the beans "issue" if it was so important to you, may be you should have got the wooden spoon out for your Mum.

Either that, or don't rely on her

I agree no one without some kind of learning disability would put an open drink in a bag

If she's a shy, nervous sort of woman and has always been comfortable being a SAHM it sounds like she might be fearful of doing thing she's not used to doing.

She might be fine in her own home but presented with all the unfamiliar things in your house and things that you're asking her to do she might just get flustered and panicky and do thing wrong.

I doubt very much she's doing it on purpose or to annoy you, and the fact that she's only in her sixties doesn't mean that she is able to cope with these things.

It sounds as if life doesn't run smoothly for her and it might very well be that she spends a lot of her time anxious and fearful about trying anything different or new.

I think YABU because to me it sounds like you are expecting too much from her and getting angry because of who she is rather than deliberate malicious behaviour.
She sounds like a neurodivergent person or as pp said dyspraxic and has slipped though the net.
She said " I don't know how you do things" and I would take that to be a true statement.

Maybe lower your expectations and try to find other ways she can bond with your child but to cut her off would be incredibly hurtful and mean imo.

Possibly in her own environment she appears to cope, put her in an unfamiliar environment and she struggles, I would try have a bit more patience with her, the more impatient you are, the more your Mum will do odd stuff.

My mum got to a point of being pretty useless once I had dc. She can't do anything. My dad is quite abusive and it's made her really tentative. She asks every time which tap is hot or which way you turn the tap for hot. When she makes me a cuppa she gives me half a cup. She asks me how many Broccoli she should cut for 4 people whilst I make the rest of tea and she wants to "help". She can't do anything for the kids. More or less refused to change nappies when they were little.

I reckon your mistake is giving her anything to do. Don't expect help. If its like having an extra child then make sure you only see her when it's convenient.

It's not like you need to distance yourself. Just adjust your expectations. She's your mum and presumably did a lot for you in the past so no need to expect help now.

I was wondering this too?

Does she offer to do stuff ? Like the beans or the drink or did you ask her to do it ?
Is is possible she doesn’t like doing things for people and would rather fuck it up so you don’t ask her again ?

Maybe she is a bit impractical and can’t do things that most people can. Personally, I’d ask her. “Hey Mum, can you stir those beans for me or would that be difficult for you ? Your tone of voice would either make it passive aggressive or sympathetic. If she asks what she can do to help, ask her are you sure, because it needs you do be practical and maybe you’d rather read/play with/to the kids.

She probably does have some kind of learning disability or neurodiversity. It sounds like her life has been fairly sheltered and she’s just sort of muddled her way through so it’s gone unnoticed.

Dyspraxia?

I don’t think anyone is ‘strategically incompetent’ to the extent they would put an open drink in their own bag to spill. There’s nothing strategic about that. She sounds unwell.

I get that, it applies to me.

But this though:

She put a drink for DD in her bag with no lid and obviously it tipped up and soaked everything in the bag. I warned her beforehand but she said she didn't think it would tip up.

That's just ridiculous.

Plus, I ask for help. I don't make other people's lives predictably harder or unsafe.