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Original poster

To think my DM is very unpractical?

106 replies

mrlistersgelfbride · 16/06/2023 19:43

I know I'm being unreasonable and probably horrible but my DM can't do anything practical.

A few examples: she can't open a car boot no matter how many times I show her. I gave her a pack of baby wipes to wipe DDs face for me and she said she couldn't open them 😐 I've shown her before and she can't do it.
She can't clip a car seat, I've shown her loads of times. Said she never did it with me and my brother. She can't work a coffee machine, air fryer or even a different oven even after being shown. If she puts something in the oven it has to have an alarm as she'll forget otherwise that's it's there.
She put a drink for DD in her bag with no lid and obviously it tipped up and soaked everything in the bag. I warned her beforehand but she said she didn't think it would tip up.
I asked her to watch DD's baked beans today whilst I did something else and I found her stirring them with the metal spoon I had put on the side (for DD to eat them with once cooked) . There are wooden spoons in the drawer, she knows and she's been to the house hundreds of times. I can't be sure but I think she was going to give DD the hot metal spoon, which she placed back on the plate, I checked it before I served DDs tea and nearly burnt my hand.
She said she doesn't know how I do things. Surely making beans is the same in every house?
I could do with tips on how to deal with it nicely as it's really getting to me. I'm certainly not the world's most practical person but I can't believe how she struggles with simple tasks.
She's not senile by the way, she's only mid 60s and when I think about it she's always been similar.

For context, we don't see my parents much as they are often busy and like to be left to themselves. Today was a rarity, she doesn't see DD that much. I'm starting to think we should distance ourselves, I know I sound horrible but I'm starting to loose my temper with her about these kind of things and I feel bad. She's a lovely person but I find this hard to comprehend.
How do I deal with it ..does this sound familiar to anyone?

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 16/06/2023 21:30

My MIL is similar, at 65 she could easily spend 30 minutes making a cup of tea.
we left her with DS once and she rang to say she couldn’t cope in the middle of a funeral for our friend’s DC who does a week after they were born.
DD is similar (our third child) and has ADHD - inattentive type. MIL definitely has too.
She had a horrible life, FiL was abusive / probably as she was so annoying and he was an utter arsehole and had no patience. But, I do wonder if she had the opportunity to medicate her life would have been very difficult.

i’m not sure there is an answer. We didn’t see Mil that often when the kids were little as she couldn’t/wouldn’t help. You only have one child and maybe you can teach your mum?

DrCoconut · 16/06/2023 21:22

Got to say I've never had that much fuss around spoons for beans. It all sounds very intense and stressful. The other things, I'm only 46 and not great at things like clipping car seats in or anything requiring a lot of strength and coordination. I also have no sense of direction. I manage but it can be a challenge. I've found out I have B6 overload which can mimic MS and may well account for what I thought was inability to adult properly.

MaPaSpa · 16/06/2023 21:19

If she’s always been like this it could be dyspraxia or some other disability in terms of processing or spacial awareness

ColdHandsHotHead · 16/06/2023 21:16

My DM was like this. It was her way of getting people to run around doing things for her, and an easy way for her to abdicate responsibility for everything. If something went wrong, she'd be pretty quick to ask how I'd made a mistake, but she wouldn't do ANYTHING for herself if someone else was around to do it for her.

Rainbowreddy · 16/06/2023 21:14

OP are we sisters? My mum is exactly the same. There is no way she could buckle my kids into a car seat. She just couldn't figure it out. She would never be able to fold down and put up a buggy or a travel cot etc. I left out a baby grow for my baby once and she couldn't put it on. Said her and my dad had tried everything and they had no idea how to get it on the baby. It's a bog standard jumpsuit kind of thing with poppers.

Anything with more than one step is too difficult. There are also some words too that she just cannot say no matter how many times she tries to say them correctly. She could get lost in a football field. There's no way she could ever get a flight by herself or get public transport alone further than the local town.

I generally trust her with my kids but she does things like leave a huge pot of potatoes boiling at the ring closer to the end of the hob with the handle sticking out, just within reach of my 5 year old. I remember learning that that was a hazard in my home economics textbook in 1995, and she keeps doing it. She also serves my kids their food piping hot and then gets annoyed at them for not 'blowing it' before they eat it and subsequently cry.

Like your mum, mine married young, never worked and devoted her life to being a SAHM.

I try to see things through a compassionate lens. Something has happened along the way to strip them of a lot of these skills. Nobody really wants to be like that. Remind yourself that this is just who she is, don't give her any responsibility and free yourself from the pressure of feeling annoyed about it. Limit the jobs you expect her to do and make a decision to be patient.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/06/2023 21:10

mrlistersgelfbride · 16/06/2023 21:04

@jannier I won't but I don't see them very much as they have chosen not be be particularly involved. My father has little patience with DD.
Once a month for a couple of hours, I might see them for an hour on my own every few weeks.

Anxious and insecure because she's had a domineering spouse for 40-odd years? A lack of patience with children can also include a lack of patience with less filter for wives.

Any idea on the background to her adoption? Maybe fetal alcohol syndrome? Undiagnosed inattentive ADHD? Dyspraxia?

Or she's just nice but not quite at average IQ? Half the population has to be below average, after all, and that can mean lower abilities to plan, schedule, manipulate things in three dimensions, with short or long term memory and multiple other things.

Theoldgreygoose · 16/06/2023 21:10

MiddleParking · 16/06/2023 20:08

I don’t think anyone is ‘strategically incompetent’ to the extent they would put an open drink in their own bag to spill. There’s nothing strategic about that. She sounds unwell.

Rubbish! I did it myself once, I just had over-confidence in my ability to be able to keep it upright.

Cozzadelsol · 16/06/2023 21:09

My mother is very similar. She seems to daydream her way through life and does the most randomly infuriating things.

It used to really get on my nerves, but as I have got older, I have come to the conclusion she must have some kind of neurodiversity. I actually think she has undiagnosed ADHD.

I have researched and she ticks every box, this has made me much more empathic towards her and her weird foibles.

I know try to give her little strategies to manage and laugh off her blunders.

I would never dream of cutting her off, for something she can't help.

I'm not saying this is the issue with your mother, but maybe something to be considered 🤔

Smallbean27 · 16/06/2023 21:08

My first thought from your OP was dementia. Then as you say it is getting worse, the brain and people are good at compensating initially. Then things become more obvious as more small things build the bigger picture, in terms of deteriorating in cognitive function.

JudgeRudy · 16/06/2023 21:08

Have you considered she might be dyspraxic?

Theoldgreygoose · 16/06/2023 21:07

mrlistersgelfbride · 16/06/2023 20:02

Thanks for the replies.
@Neolara She doesn't have learning difficulties. She is pretty shy/nervous and hasn't ever really worked, she got married young. She was always a SAHM, not knocking that at all but she had no real reason to learn things or different ways of doing things.

I don't think she has arthritis but I could be wrong.

Well, reading your update it just sounds as though she is lacking in confidence as she hasn't had to do a lot of these things. I think you are going to have to accept that she is not going to change at this late stage. Some people are vague and impractical, it's not a crime.

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 16/06/2023 21:04

@jannier I won't but I don't see them very much as they have chosen not be be particularly involved. My father has little patience with DD.
Once a month for a couple of hours, I might see them for an hour on my own every few weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 16/06/2023 21:02

@cartagenagina Awful sense of direction, never ask her for directions!
She was a good cyclist in her 20s byit I've not known her to cycle at all since.

Flat pack furniture, absolutely no chance.
Jigsaws maybe if she was given plenty of time.

OP posts:
jannier · 16/06/2023 21:02

mrlistersgelfbride · 16/06/2023 20:47

She has lead a very sheltered life, like pp have said on here she never paid a bill or sorted anything practical, it was always my dad. She has never driven so we never went anywhere far without my dad who took care of things.
I love my mum very much, however I do find it hard to relate to her as our lives as mums of young children were are obviously very different.

I'm thinking now I should have left a wooden spoon out for her. I thought it was obvious. Tbh I wouldn't have minded so much if she had used the metal spoon but gotten a fresh one out for DD to use. It was the fact it was boiling sat on her plate.

But lesson learned. I think the next time I see her it would be best to be without kids or my dad out of our homes in a place we can talk.
She does have a lot of good qualities. It's funny a Pp said about their mum's they were amazing at imaginative play and this is my DM, brilliant imagination for things like that.

I hope you don't deprive her of her grandchildren just don't get her to do tasks let her play with her grandkids.

jannier · 16/06/2023 21:00

Holly60 · 16/06/2023 20:28

Hey, just a very gentle suggestion that if you are attributing these things to being 72- you might like to speak to your GP.

None of those things will be caused by your age alone and there may be something the doctor can do for you.

Show quote history

I struggle with some of these and I'm 60 it's called arthritis

cartagenagina · 16/06/2023 20:58

Sounds like it might be dyspraxia.

Can she ride a bike?
What is her sense of direction like?
Can she do jigsaws or deal with flat pack furniture?

jannier · 16/06/2023 20:58

Has she dementia was she always incapable of cooking for you?

parietal · 16/06/2023 20:57

If she has always been like this then undiagnosed dyspraxia or similar is most likely.

You cant change her so all you can do it not give her jobs and not trust her with the dc. Sorry.

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 16/06/2023 20:56

I don’t want to worry you but it sounds like the onset of dementia? Maybe if things need a lot of dexterity and she can’t do it could be arthritis(if she tried I mean)

Blossomtoes · 16/06/2023 20:55

user1471453601 · 16/06/2023 20:23

Sigh. Practical things I can no longer do.

• Use a spray deoderant, I no longer have the strength to depress the canister with one hand

•Take the lid from a carton of butter

• Use any type of tin opener

• open any jar

Etc ect and so on. I'm 72, and I just don't have the body strength.

As for the beans "issue" if it was so important to you, may be you should have got the wooden spoon out for your Mum.

Either that, or don't rely on her

Same. I have arthritis in my hands and there are lots of things I can No longer do. It’s a fucking pain.

rileynexttime · 16/06/2023 20:53

drained pots and left in sieve on pan ,asked MrR to mash .Which he did , through the sieve .
etc

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 16/06/2023 20:51

@Stickybackplasticbear She's 65. Yes she's always been like this to a degree, however it does seem to be getting worse.

OP posts:
rileynexttime · 16/06/2023 20:49

ooh ,must be a close relative of Mr Riley!

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 16/06/2023 20:47

She has lead a very sheltered life, like pp have said on here she never paid a bill or sorted anything practical, it was always my dad. She has never driven so we never went anywhere far without my dad who took care of things.
I love my mum very much, however I do find it hard to relate to her as our lives as mums of young children were are obviously very different.

I'm thinking now I should have left a wooden spoon out for her. I thought it was obvious. Tbh I wouldn't have minded so much if she had used the metal spoon but gotten a fresh one out for DD to use. It was the fact it was boiling sat on her plate.

But lesson learned. I think the next time I see her it would be best to be without kids or my dad out of our homes in a place we can talk.
She does have a lot of good qualities. It's funny a Pp said about their mum's they were amazing at imaginative play and this is my DM, brilliant imagination for things like that.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 16/06/2023 20:46

You say she's a lovely person but you think you should distance yourselves? That's sad, she's your mum, warts n all