Is it just my husband who can't...

Mine was very like that when we got together almost 30 years ago.

Anyway I knew I did not want a life of picking up after a man I would rather have been single. Birthday cards and presents for his relatives? His Mothers Mother’s Day card? Clean socks? dental and doctors appointments? Packing his own bag for a holiday? Well then it just didn’t happen.

A perfect example is my friend and I were meeting for a weekend away decades ago. She cooked food and put it in the fridge for her DH and children. Mine asked about food I replied see that big white thing in the corner it’s a fridge, you take food out and cook it and if it’s empty you go to a thing called a shop and buy food.

He travelled extensively for work for a decade, a colleague of mine at work asked if I packed his bag. Like FFS, she and I were a similar grade at work and allegedly functioning adults making tough decisions but she seemed shocked.

I know it’s many years of societal conditioning but just don’t do it stop worrying that they won’t love you anymore and that others will judge.

If a woman is a downtrodden, abused and mentally crushed person who relies on a man for money I can see why this could happen, as sad as it is, if not then I have no clue.

Women can sometimes be their own worst enemy.

My dh does plan and organise a fair bit. He'd do the big ticket holiday items and I do the day to day bits. But if I stopped he would be fine. Might not get his first choices the first few times and need to settle and it might not all be my version of perfect but he'd manage. Christmas and birthday presents would be bought and wrapped, dinners would be eaten everyone would be dressed.

At the end of the day I do impose a set of rules that I follow that are unnecessary and I do it so we have a nice life. He has similar rules for his stuff that I'd find unnecessary but he thinks is important.

I'm a sahm though- which I think makes the distribution of mental load and tasks way more straight forward.

I don't understand why 'a couple' can't discuss and delegate, share etc. You're both adults and unless there's a neurological issue or something there's no reason for one member to take on everything. As a couple my dp and I have different preferences and strengths; if something needs doing we'll sort it out with a chat, who does what etc. If we can we'll share the job, if not we'll discuss how to achieve the end result; if it's something like a holiday, insurance etc we'll discuss what we each want out of it and who will do what. I don't understand either why women keep doing things for the men (usually that way round), like packing, food etc. They're not children (as in, before teenagers - they can do it themselves too!).

I don’t think it’s petty to organise this trip without him. His total lack of effort communicates that he doesn’t care about it, so why would you bother including him?

I’ve been there. I told my Dh the only holidays he was going on were ones he fully organised and made it really clear if it was a half arsed attempt leaving half of it to me to do while on holiday then I would cancel, even if the taxi to the airport was already on the way. He organised holidays. Unfortunately we are back in that space now so let’s see, but i will definitely organise a trip without him if he doesn’t care enough to do any of the work.

You are not alone OP, I could have written this myself.

Sometimes you find they annoy you less when you start to mentally detach. You just stop caring so much because you don't even see them as your partner anymore. Hopefully this isn't what's happened to you!

I just find it incredible how so many men can't arrange school dinners, doctor's appointments, parent teacher interviews and other boring things but can organise rounds of golf, stag dos, full blown affairs etc.

We had a weekend away booked for our birthdays last year, he sat and did nothing. No packing, no offer to help and it caused a row. So i said i dont want to go. Hour passed and he said what are we doing then and i said, nothings sorted, im not killing myself getting everything ready to go, youve not helped and i already said, im not going. He tried to say he didnt know what needed doing but looked pretty sheepish when i pointed out wed been going on holiday 15years, he knew full well what needed doing. Gets on my tits though, even on the weekends, asks me what were doing....THINK OF SOMETHING YOUR FECKING SELF

Mine too although the occasional time I complain and he books it's not worth it, like how he's really happy to save 50p on a fixed train fair so we have to sit in a train station for hours instead of just getting which one comes. When we go on holiday it's always nice because I book nice places. He's started doing the online shop, I book the slots and then he changes the trolley the day before. I don't know why it annoys me less than it used to but I don't mind so much these days.

"I often wonder what his life would look like if i wasn't here. I asked him once and he said that he's plan things then but why do it when I was able to."
That's a truly gobsmacking answer. A paraphrasing of 'why have a dog and bark yourself'.

I think I'd have to give him a list of things that I was no longer going to do, because why should I when he is able to if he gets his finger out?

I've got one who is so shit at life admin and organising. Sometimes I get fed up, especially when it's my birthday/ wedding anniversary; I know to expect nothing special. I am very keen on fairness and try to achieve it in other ways. I clean and oraganise life/food/kids. He is good at childcare, washing, dishwasher/clearing kitchen, sorting and tidying. Neither of us do DIY or gardening and I'd love him to step up in this area. I work PT and have equal access to money. I mostly don't feel resentful because I feel there is balance. I actually think I'd struggle to 'let go' if I had a super organised partner as I quite like doing it and don't think anyone can do it better than me (e.g. plan a holiday getting the best deals). I'm sure they could but I'd struggle to trust them.

Yep, my husband is the same.
I've recently said to him that I need to cut back on arranging things for him. My entire mental load is our family, and his entire mental load is his wants, which never include us.

This means that I will no longer be planning, and financing the family holidays that cost 8/9/10k, and all the associated paperwork and planning things to do, meals, booking it all and ensuring there's spending money, which means potentially no more family holidays...tbh this came about more for the fact that he couldn't find his driving licence about 4 days before we went on our last holiday and that was his only responsibility.

I'll just book shorter, cheaper things for me and the kids.

He gets the same effort as he puts in with gifts.

I've stopped planning date nights.

I will continue to give a lot less until I see a whole lot more from him.

This 100 times. He could do it if he had to but prefers to let you do it all. You are probably good at it.

It is more likely they'd quickly find a new girlfriend to do it.

I once worked for a male Headteacher who used to ‘get’ a new girlfriend every couple of months when his house really needed cleaning. He used to boast about it. The amount of highly-educated women that used to fall for it…

My DH used to be crap until I stopped sorting everything out one day about a month before Christmas!
He asked after about a week what we were doing for it said no idea...asked what presents I had got for his family....response was nothing, what had I got for DS's advent again nothing (this was a lie I had a backup!) Etc he had a rant I told him he was a adult as well and therefore he could sort stuff too and I wasn't doing all of it anymore.

Low and behold he is capable now packs DS1 and DS2 nursery bag, holiday stuff, sorts presents, bills etc.

Your not petty OP hopefully it will be the lightbulb moment he needs!

How often does he have to fix things or go to the tip compared to how often you do all of the ‘life admin’?

My husband is like this but I understand it’s not his forte I do all ‘life admin’ but he contributes in other ways like fixes things and tip trips I know it sounds very 1950s but it works for us. Does you DH do anything in the relationship?

OP , you say he is a very hands on, caring Dad. That's worth a lot , in fact it's just about everything. What will the DC feel about leaving their Dad behind? You may get a reaction you didn't anticipate. Do they know they are going on a little holiday? Does their Dad know yet?

He’d marry again if anything happened to you. It wouldn’t take long for him to find another woman.

Women weep, men marry.

I used to get fed up about how we worked as a family. My words were:
I am not saying I have to do all the work but it seems I have to think of everything or we would sit indoors doing nothing.
Adult kids still speak to me and DW & I have been together over 30 years.
Try and tough it out please.

@Silverbook you're not the only one. Just been for a couple of nights to see my dad & partner. Literally did everything... thought about every single thing we had to take for the baby and toddler - black outs, bedding , all clothes and toys, food items etc. pram, sling, wellies and the kitchen sink etc etc etc . Had been packing for about 3 hours.

Husband managed to load the car because I literally out everything in bags on the doorstep. Then he loaded toddler into the car and forgot to put any shoes on her as carried her to the car (no idea why as she can walk just fine), which meant no shoes for the weekend. Only wellies.

On the way home again I put everything by the door at dads and he loaded the car... except managed to forget the massive sleepyhead in its clear bag which was right by the door and something I'd specifically asked him to load. When we turned back for it after my dads partner called 30 mins later he was a bit annoyed, to which I replied about having to think about every single thing and having asked to check he loaded it. He then tells me that he doesn't listen to everything I say 🙄 Infuriating.

Everything we do I have to plan. He used to be able to but now seems incapable of doing anything other that work, and childcare when directed.

The patriarchy has you well trained OP. Seriously though if you didn't do everything he'd have to pull his finger out wouldn't he?

Men only treat women like their servants because we allow them. I just wish a lot more women would realise this and tell their useless lazy men folk to fuck off and pull their weight more often.

I suspect many perfectionist MNers don't let their DH's do anything. Not a male-female thing, but a perfectionist-other conflict.

I totally know I don't live up to the standards my stbX expects (can't wait for the divorce to come thru). I think he's utterly irrational in 100 other ways, of course.

@AffIt - best response ever! Delusions of grammar 🤣

My dh was never great at organising activities for the dc. Then one year he ended up taking them on holidays on his own and they had a ball. Surfing everyday, gokarting, climbing mountains..they just loved it. They can do it if they have to and it's a pity they don't more as the dc would get a wider variety of experiences.
I think as women our mind is always turned towards family while men often just leave us to it.