Is it just my husband who can't...

I'll reply briefly because as a guy (I saw this while looking for something else!) it might be useful to you!

My wife and I are a bit similar to this. She does all the organising, planning etc. I do the DIY, gardening, most cleaning/tidying and a lot of childcare.

She does get annoyed at me for not thinking of stuff that we need to do, and honestly I just don't think of it! We are different people, I'm much more laid back, and figure I'll just wing it if I need to. She worries and wants to be organised and know what is happening. From speaking to friends, I don't think this is unusual. I can see it's hard if you're the one that wants to be organised.

e.g. she always does the childrens packing to go on holiday. She is very organised with it, everything is planned and carefully placed in a suitcase. If she forgets something I just shrug, it doesn't bother me. If I did the packing and forgot something, she would hit the roof. Equally when I take our boy (4yr old) away camping by myself, I just grab a load of his clothes and a toothbrush and shove them in my bag.

So basically if you want him to do more, you need to accept it might not be done the way you want it to be!

The best thing that helped us is to have a weekly "planning" session on Sunday evening. We have a Trello board, with "ToDo", "Doing" and "Done" and decide what we are going to do that week, put cards onto the board and allocate them to someone.

The aim is get every thing in "Doing" done that week. It doesn't mean they always get done(!) but does at least mean the tasks are discussed and tracked. Daily tasks tend to fall to always the same person e.g. laundry (her) and cleaning the kitchen (me).

I think that it's rare that two people can be the organizers. Different people have different opinions on how it should be done. Men can organize things - of course they can. But if they do they are frequently branded controlling on MN. Divide the labour so one party organises kids and the other the house and car - for example.
I used to hate if it DH tried to organize the kids because it invariably cut across something I'd already organized. So he did the holidays.

Let's not slip into sexist cliches. We are better than that.

It's called learned helplessness op.

When you write U like that, you come across like a teenager.

My partner is autistic and he's the best planner ever. No detail is left undone and everything runs smoothly.
Good job really because I'm the complete opposite

I'd have just let him get wet in his jeans.

If he's capable at work, he's capable at home. Sounds like he knows you'll just step in at home.

This.

He does it because it works for him.

I've sadly got one like this too. He goes under the job title CEO (not of his own business either - a proper CEO). Has won numerous national awards at work but absolutely useless at home.
This weekend alone I've had to advise him not to go out wearing jeans to an activity where there was a high chance he'd get wet and where jeans could actually have been detrimental if he'd fallen into water during said activity. Then there was an error code on a domestic appliance (the only appliance he knows how to work and which is his one designated job). I discovered him taking the appliance apart. When I asked if he knew what was wrong he said 'no'. Didn't seem to have occurred to him to look up what error code meant. Then when I told him and shoved the instruction book under his nose he still didn't do what it said.

It never ceases to amaze me that everyone thinks he's so wonderful at getting things done at work but is completely useless at home.

Maybe you are good at this and he isn't - play to your strengths in the partnership. It could also be that he is less bothered about these trips/holidays than you are but happy to go along with what you come up with. That is I htink often the case.

Of course it's the women's fault. Of course it is. It always is, isn't it.

On the plus side it does mean I get to choose everything and have it all my own way! Swings and roundabouts

Mine is the same, he does absolutely nothing. We would never go anywhere if it was left to him and my daughter would have the shittest birthdays/Xmas etc imaginable. I’m mostly fine with it now, the only time I get really cheesed off is when he claims he’s doing loads or when he scoffs at me for ‘being anal’. (this is when he’s feeling guilty and takes it out on me)

Do you mean he can’t or won’t do stuff @Silverbook ?

unless he has a genuine learning difficulty or neuro divergence which shows in other areas of his life , then I’d suggest he won’t do it.

🤣

@Aquamarine1029 your answer could also be the more accurate one though! 😁

@RubbishHusband I know I didn't put myself very well, can struggle to explain what I have in my head sometimes. And, yes, there will be some very lazy guys out there. But, to use your example of the table, in my life now I would feel comfortable talking to my oh and asking if he could do the job better in future, and because we have respect for each other he would take that on board and be fine with it. Also if he was asking me questions like that I would ask why he felt he needed to. I think that to a certain extent, if a man is treating a woman like some of the things on here and like I hear, it's called unacceptable. Women doing it to men seems fine. Another example I heard was a woman calling her husband a 'man-child' because he is incapable of cleaning properly or packing for himself. She then just takes over!

I have been a victim of DV, for the record, and would refuse to be a doormat. I agree many, many men are shitbags. I just see these issues too.

Lol 😂😂😂😂😂

His uselessness is in no way "accidental." He knows full well how much you do, and he could absolutely do these things himself, he just doesn't care enough about you to behave like an actual adult. You do it all so he doesn't give a fuck. He gets to cherry pick everything he chooses to do because you let him. He's not some overgrown incompetent oaf at work, is he?

Stop tolerating this bullshit.

Can't and doesn't are two different things.

Time to be tough, pick one task.

Many men like this hold down jobs that require planning and organisation.
They choose not to do to at home because they're lazy, selfish and deep down they consider it a woman's job to do it.

Please tell me that you told him you aren't his mother and he doesn't need to ask permission before he does things.

I think it's called 'learned helplessness' and you're enabling it because you won't relinquish control over anything. Are you a bit OCD?

Just STOP organising everything and see what happens.

Of course its the woman's fault

To give you an example my Dh cleared the table. He didn't wipe it down, he's left the mayonnaise and 2 glasses and the bottle of drink

Yes it's fucking useless. Who's going to actually clear it away? If your partner is repeatedly moaning at you because you can't complete basic tasks then that's on you

Just writing this post he's asked me 2 inane questions (should he take the shopping in from the car, should he put his rubbish in the bin)

Sometimes when I'm listening to (some) women talk about their ohs I'm left wondering if these men are actually being 'disempowered' - or whatever the right word is! so that they end up feeling like their input is never 'good enough' or 'perfect' enough; they will often go on about how shit their cleaning/shopping/planning abilities are to the point that I'm left feeling sorry for them! I know from my own experience that being told I was shit left me incapacitated to the point where I could no longer cross the road if he was with me (exh), I had to defer. I bet many just give up so they don't get moaned at for doing it wrong.

My DH is like this. Thing is if I didn't do it life would just be shit.

If I ask him to plan something he just won't, or will plan something completely rubbish. Even if I am trying to plan something his answer is often we will see when we get there. This will result in say not getting lunch because he didn't bother to look to see if there was a lunch venue.

If for example we go shopping he cant be bothered to get herbs/spices or garlic etc. So we would eat bland food. He follows me around asking basic question like shall we get milk

He will clean if asked, but also he misses bits.

He doesn't put things away properly, and is incapable of organising things so all our drawers would be a mess with piles of things everywhere

He's just useless and I am considering ending things. He's lovely in some ways but I am so tired of his inability to plan anything. He asks me questions for everything, like shall I put a wash on, what wash do you want. And we have argument over argument about itm

He will pack is own clothes for holiday but wouldn't think to pack the extra things. And if I ask him to he'll say "oh we dont need to do that"

Tbf just family are also the same. They cannot be bothered to put any effort in to make something nice or enjoyable and as a result are completely bored shitless and dull people.

And tbh I work in quite a male dominated field, a lot of the men do the same at work. People always say how to men hold down these jobs. They have teams of people (mostly women) propping them up. Admin teams, cleaners etc, female juniors. And the men I work with get visibly very stressed when things become a bit difficult or they have to think about more than what they know they need to do. How many times to people have a work wife?

Men always think they're the shit at work but they are so incapable of even the most basic life tasks.