Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

Reading your post took me back and I remember how bloody hard it is!! But it does get easier. I promise.
Please cut yourself some slack though and remember that every day you’ve kept your kids fed, watered, clothed and safe is a triumph!!
Do you have a friend or relative that you can arrange to go to for couple of days when DH will have to take care of the kids? Because that will not only give you a little break but also help him understand what you are dealing with!!
As others have said, not everyone is coping fine. They might want you to think that but they’re probably not!!
Good luck op. You can do it!!
hand hold

Another person who’s intrigued as to what job means he is completely unavailable to parent day or night for 6/7ths of the week.

Don't want to depress you but even at 12 and 7, it's not fine but you have had longer to adjust and your normal changes. You need more time with 2 to get into the rhythm.

They grow up and suddenly you get a goodnight's sleep. These times will.pass.As your DH is only one day a week let him have quality time with the little ones whilst you have a sleep

Oh OP, I was there and it was hell - one or the other always woke up and my useless ex didn't do a thing to help. I remember going to work on 1 hours sleep and having a breakdown in a meeting. You get through it because you have to but I promise it gets better, my two are older now and such delights (they have their moments) and I even get a lie in.

You are at a rough age and doing it alone for a majority of the time. You are enough and your children love you. No one is finding it easy and that I can be certain.

Firstly, I promise we're not all fine.

I too mthe 3 yo twins to the shop, let them pick a magazine, raised I had no bank card, had to remove the magazines, totally failed to get further than the door and basically spent 10 minutes outside with one screaming then the other. In the end I called a taxi. I live half a mile away 🙄🙄. Someone kindly walked past and told me "we've all been there". It's true.

Then walking home the other day with them in the buggy, one screaming over something or other so much a bloke yelled out a car window at me, "it gets better!!" it probably does 😏😂

The point is lots of us find it hard.
You're finding it harder because

1. You're unwell and have no time to recover
2. You have a DH problem. He's swanning in one day a week, is clearly an unsupportive idiot, makes you feel worse, throws the routine off and buggers off again.

In your shoes you need to ask him to book some leave. Tell him you're drowning and you don't care who else did it better with more kids and less help. You, his wife, his children's mother, is drowning and you need HIS help with HIS kids before the next time he comes home you lack a bag for 1 and mice to your mother's for a week.

In the meanwhile, when is he home next? Can you wait for him to come in, spend half an hour with him then tell him you just need to pop out and GO before he can dump a child on you? Just an hour. Do a Tesco shop if it makes you feel better. Get a coffee tho at the end or do a drive through Maccies and LET HIM LOOK AFTER HIS KIDS ALONE.

What would happen?

Can't do any of that. The way his work is, it's just not possible.

so you're effectively a single parent. You won't be able to return to work doing all drop offs, covering illness, mental load, household organisation.

Op... It would be easier if you split up because he'd HAVE to parent or pay for care in his 50% time.

What is his job? Police? Military? If it's genuinely one job where you cannot parent at all 6 out of 7 days of the week, you need a deep conversation. His job is dictating the life of 4 people. He doesn't get to make that his only and number 1 priority full stop. Something has to give. You cannot parent alone with the veneer of a partner. He needs to actually be one, day in day out.

Has he any idea of what your life is like?

Can you engineer a day away to "help" a relative but let him be the sole carer for the day? Repeatedly?

And don't you fucking write a list or prep meals. He's their dad. He should know this stuff.

Just to chime into the chorus that you aren't alone and most people aren't having a whale of a time especially in the trenches with very young children. It can be very hard to admit you're struggling when ostensibly there isn't a 'thing' as such to complain about it's the entire drudgery and groundhog day element of it.

It fucking sucks

You have two young children and no respite, add in health issues and it's a perfect storm.

Most of us only had one of the above at a time! Tell dh he is taking his two children out so you can recharge.

Don't tidy just sleep. Until you can get the minimum sleep needed you will end up running on empty.

Hopefully a few weeks of having a day to recharge will help.

This resonates with me too. It really is so draining and it is good to hear it's not just me.

It gets better, I promise. Yes, mine (6 and 10) bicker and grump and tantrum but it’s a walk in the park compared to when they were both preschool. I love late Primary, it’s my favourite stage so far…and I do not, despite being told many times I would, miss the baby stage. I have moments of wishing they were more portable but I wouldn’t swap for the world.

Trust me you are not alone in feeling like this! I think social media makes it appear like we’re all having a lovely time and making parenting look easy but it’s not reality.

I really struggled with the newborn stage, it nearly broke me. DS is now 20 months and it’s easier but I am dreading having a second child because I feel like I’m only just about coping - and that’s from someone who gets help from my mum and DH.

I wasn't fine, I had similar age gaps to you and it was the hardest and lowest point of my life, I still describe it as 'I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy' but it does pass, I know that seems like a stock phrase but it does pass, they get more independent and the struggles change. While parenting now is still hard (eldest is 10) i get more sleep and it's a more manageable hard!
I have no magic answer but your not alone and you can do this

I could have written your post, OP.

I struggle as well.

Everything you wrote really resonated with me: the constant whinging; the do this, carry this, get me that etc - the demands are non stop and it is horrible.

Everytime I leave the room, for even a second, it's "mum! Mum! Muuum! Mum!" and it is so draining.

I don't have the answer. Some mums do seem to cope better - but they might have easier kids, more help, big house/garden for them to play in, maybe they have a cleaner etc. So comparing really doesn't do any good.

I don't really have the answer. I'm still in that situation and finding it hard. But mine are slightly older and the only thing I can say to you sounds like a total cliche but....it really does go so fast. Try and just lean into it. Lower your expectations. Try to enjoy it.

I know you're probably rolling your eyes at that but honestly, my kids are still young, but they are passing milestones and leaving stages behind and it really all does happen in the blink of an eye. I've just lowered my expectations and tried to roll with the punches a bit more.

But I do still lose my shit occasionally. It is so bloody hard.

And the sleep deprivation there's no way around that I'm afraid. That is hell and I very much hope it passes for you soon.

Count the seconds until you are back at work. Enjoy the respite and adult company.

Tis hard bloody work and often shite. Your dh sounds shit too.

What about weekends? I’d be absenting myself for large chunks at the weekend I think. 3 hour stretch as a minimum.

I could have written this. My DH and I are in the same position (same ages too). It's the sheer bloody drudgery of it all that gets me- it's so predictable and there's absolutely no space for spontaneity or joy because it's all routines and needs.
We don't have any outside help at all (apart from childminder while I'm at part-time job), no family, no babysitters. It takes it's toll on marriage and mental health in equal measure. It breeds resentment between us even when there's nothing wrong because we're so bone-tired and overwhelmed.

All I know is that the best and the worst are all just phases- it's never wonderful or horrendous forever.

I'm curious though OP- your DH MUST have time off - why on earth does he not think that these are his responsibilities? How has he managed 3 years without having to take them out or do the shopping with them?

You need more regular breaks- where’s your H all these times?

Another thing to mention OP, a lot of people look back on this time with rose tinted glasses and forget how bloody exhausting it all is.

I think the only solution is to either get your DH to deal with them and let you have time out, or could you go to your mums for a bit and get some rest there whilst she helps with the kids?
I promise it gets easier.

Will your H step up when you are back at work and both DC are at nursery? Taking equal amount of time off when they are ill? Splitting drop off and pick up? Taking his fair share of the mental and physical load? Dealing with night wake ups? Doing it all on your own will lead to burn out, 100%.

Why is your H only there one day?

Can you leave on that day - go to the gym, a long walk, work, lock yourself in the bathroom and have a 3h bath?

The answer is many people are not fine but most of them have more help / support than you.