Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

He never gets a break from work? Does he have someone waking him up every 3 hours every night when he’s away? No?! Then he sure as hell gets a break from work.

When he says “we need to get on with it” does that actually mean YOU need to get on with it?!

You’ve obviously got a lot to deal with - sure some people have it harder and some easier - comparing yourself is irrelevant. YOU are having a hard time. It IS hard and it’s ok to feel that.

TBH I think you’d be finding it a bit easier if your H provided some emotional support and wasn’t constantly minimizing your feelings and criticising you.

As a first step I suggest telling him you’re completely burnt out from the current set of illnesses and that you need a night off to sleep. Even though you usually love doing stuff together on his day off and value spending time all together, you’re no good to anyone in current state and are worried about going on and on without a break.

Therefore (if the littlest one isn’t EBF and you can face it) next time he comes back (or the time after if you think it’ll work better to give him some lead up), you’re going to stay in a hotel or with a friend when he gets back and you’ll return when he is leaving. If the baby is EBF or you aren’t ready to leave them for 24 hours yet then take them with you to said friend/hotel and just leave the 3 year old.

Use “I” statements (I really need a break/I am struggling/I am burning out/I really need your support) rather than “you” statements (you don’t do anything to help/you’re never here/you don’t understand) Don’t try and make a more long term plan than that moment, just try and get this one tiny pause.

If you do that and afterwards he doesn’t bloody understand what you’re going through and continues to belittle your feelings etc then I’m afraid you have a massive H problem.

And again, really kindly - don’t compare yourself to others, don’t listen to people who are rude and judgemental, and always accept reasonable offers of help. It’ll help your sanity. 💐

Everyone copes differently because we all have different stress levels, different circumstances, and different children.

Personally I've done the hard child and hard circumstances - probably harder than what you've had from what you've said but obviously can't tell for sure. I got through it because I had to until I had a chance to make things easier, which I did as much as possible, and now it is much easier and I am happier and so are my kids. Unfortunately whilst I got through it it certainly wasn't unscathed and the impact on my mental health took work to fix too. I'd recommend avoiding that if possible.

Anyway, your husband is being a knob. Very easy to say you should cope better and requires bugger all effort from him. Frankly why should you just survive when you could be thriving if he pulled his weight?

It’s the sleep deprivation and the illness. No one would be able to just brush that off and come out smiling, it’s torture.

Our circumstances sound different but so much of the emotions of how you feel I can relate to. And I honestly don't think anyone has any of it figured out! And if they judge you let them off. Being a mum is the hardest (and yes best) thing I have ever done. Having a tiny human depending on you 24/7 is exhausting.

I obviously don't know what it was like truly and I'm sure they had their crap. But in the 90s growing up our neighbours dropped in to borrow the paper. We were sent next door to be minded and their kids came back when their mum had to go shopping or wherever. I live rurally now but last time I lived in town I didn't even know my all my neighbours names.

Whoa, OP. Poor you. Your H is a dick. A selfish sexist wanker.

Agree with a PP: you would be better off separating. He would have to parent/sort childcare for half the time.

Maybe it’s the only way he will ever be forced to parent and take responsibility. He will only get worse.

Even without him being such a waste of time, this stage of having two really little kids is nightmarishly hard. It does get easier.

I found having a baby and toddler SOOO hard. Mine are 15 and 18 now and a baby and toddler was far and away the hardest bit, but it gets easier and easier in my experience.

I'm there with you, OP.

I only have one child (11 months), but I find parenting so so hard. My husband does his fair share and my mum helps a lot, but day-to-day I don't get a moment to myself. Can't even go to the toilet without rushing back to check he's not doing something dangerous.

I haven't slept more than two hours in a row for 11 months. Every nap and bedtime is a battle.

I don't take him to do enough as I'm always so tired and I feel so guilty about my shit parenting all the time, but I have no more to give.

I don't think I'll have the second child I assumed I would, as I'm just not good at parenting.

We are ALL there with you op. It’s non stop and sometimes you realise you don’t even have a second to have a thought!!!! Firstly yes you’ve been sick and also are probably extremely sleep deprived so huge hugs. It does get easier and anyone who seems fine may have it easier or they might just be hiding it. I see my friends with very young kids now, sleepwalking and I realise that was me. Youngest is 8 now and it’s so much easier but I also miss some of the lovely peppy pig watching/muddy walks holding hands/ sitting colouring/finger painting/reading stories etc.

Who's giving you this impression tho? Cos it sounds like it's all coming fro ma DH who chooses to work in a job where he sees his wife and kids 4 times a month so has no idea.

DS has a disability to no one looked after him until he was 3 or so and just an hour hear and there. No one has all three. Both Nans do 45 minutes a week as there's a, gap between me going to activity with eldest and DH getting home. But I have a DH who does a fair share.

Yes some parents are alone whilst their partners work for months in rigs or in the army or whatever your DH does where he's away 6 days a week but let's be clear. He is making that choice.

If he earns bucket loads for it, you need to buy in what he isn't giving physically. If he can't afford it, why the hell is he working those hours away from home?

We also did sleep training at 7 months - gentle controlled crying (NOT cry it out). It worked in three nights. Highly recommend it to save marriage and sanity.

OP you ask how much help other people get:

We have one DC in preschool, which offers wrap around care during most school breaks.
We both work full time from home and both have pretty relaxed jobs (DH works 10-5 and I work 7-4 with a long lunch break).
DH covers as much if not more illness than I do. We both have flexible jobs and usually can just work around any illness days.
My parents live 10 mins away and are not regular childcare but very willing to be pinch hitters. They cover a lot of gaps from the school, usually do a couple of sleepovers a month, maybe a date night or a weekend afternoon a couple times a month.
We had a nanny full time until DC turned 4, she is regularly available to babysit when my parents can’t. We have been choosing to save the money but could afford to have her 5-6 x a month.

I work out most days, ski most weeks during the winter. Go out 4-6x a month, meet friends for walks after DC bed time a few x month. Your life does sound really hard. I don’t know if that makes it feel better (you’re not being a baby about it!) or worse because it doesn’t have to be like that.

I promise it’s not you. I was like this too - very active baby, bad sleeper, breastfeeding went wrong, bad birth, not very helpful husband, no family support. Couldn’t put DS down to change him without him crawling off.

I was exhausted. And tearful all the bloody time.

It turned out I had PND and anxiety - but even if you don’t, what you are dealing with is shit, relentless and utterly exhausting.

I promise it’s not just you. Could you afford to put one or both of them in nursery one day a week so you can actually rest?

My GP was crap at diagnosing my PND, said I was “exhausted”. I had to go private in the end - worth investigating that (if you could afford it) in case your GP isn’t helpful.

But no, OP, it’s not just you. It really is this hard. That’s why we haven’t had a second. If we do, there’ll be a huge age gap. DS is nearly 4 now; I promise it does get easier.

Very very small thing but they don't need "proper dinner". Could you do pre made pancakes and ham? Beans or scrambled eggs on toast? Give them a snack (yogurts,) while you get 10 mins to throw a simple dinner together? Might take a tiny bit of pressure off you

So DH earns money and that's it? Does none of the labour?

No wonder you are on your knees.

Going back to work will be easier. Use all the time in the work day to look after yourself. Eat a proper lunch. Healthy snacks. Lots of water! A walk around the park in your lunch break, with a podcast or audio book etc. Don't rush back to the house!!

Nursery hours are fantastic, once they go to sch it's nearly impossible to find wrap around care so enjoy it while you can.

Is your OH away for 6 nights a week?

Reading your post took me back and I remember how bloody hard it is!! But it does get easier. I promise.

This. And, yes, some have it worse but lots have dh who do a lot more parenting that that. Best part about going back to work is you can take a day's annual leave (while the kids are in nursery) and actually get. a. break.

I've 3 between 5&10 was just thinking today who are these people who change job ECT "to spend more time with their children" work is a piece of cake compared to children complaining, arguing, hungry .....

Not everyone is fine. many people don’t have as much on their plate to manage on their own though .

I also massively struggle and think 'other mums done seem to find it as hard as me'.

Mine are 5 and 2. The sleep deprivation is the worst, I feel like no matter how much DH gives me the night off or our family take the boys for a night, I will never catch up.

My youngest is an appalling sleeper, has been all his life, and honestly I think it has ruined me. I am never not bone crushingly tired and unlike you, I actually get breaks.

Please dont feel like you are alone, there are so many of us struggling :(

Hang in there OP, it gets better! I have two years between mine, my second maternity leave was tough going. I know you have said you find it hard getting out with both of them but that was my saving grace, out from about 9 until 2, home for nap, I was so lucky they both napped at the same time, I napped too or if I was feeling ok I d do tidying, cleaning, prep dinner or sometimes sit and chill. They would wake about 4, dinner, bit of a play, bath, watch night garden then bedtime.

i also went back to work full time over 4 days when DS was six months old, and used all ten KIT days before that for a break and adult company.

it will pass, mine have been brilliant fun since I would say probably 6 and 4, it really does get better and you are doing an amazing job!

You're not alone and everyone else isn't fine.

If it reassures you my mum chats for years were full of mums going through different phases and seasons with their children. Some seasons are really tough and it's exhausting.

Your DH cannot expect you to return to work and continue doing 90% of childcare and domestic duties. He either needs to step up or needs to find a way to outsource his share of the load so you're not doing it all.

Being a mum is hard work, but it's more hard work then the men don't pull their weight.

Trust me we all aren’t fine I thought the same but then I realised it’s only what we see on the outside.

i struggle every so often. To be honest my daughter is now 14 months old and since she’s been 10 months old she’s been going to a childminders 2 days a week and I took a job at a school for 1.5 hours a day at lunch time, so when she’s not at the childminders she’s with my mum or sister and I tell you now I look forward to the days where I can do something with her or just stay home even that 1.5 hours a day break is enough.

we don’t live with her dad anymore and I take her to see him every day that is possible and he does more now than he used to when we were there.

I realised quickly that I needed to stay in work and universal credit pay 85% of my childcare fees so even this month all I had to pay was £30 of my own money.

Being a mother is hard, being constantly relied on is hard, being woken up through the night is hard and not being able to just run out the door and go on your own is hard. Having to be at home for a certain time is hard but I truly believe my baby will become my best friend and that will make every day easier. Having her for company when she can talk will beat anybody else’s etc.

You probably need to get out more even if it’s just for a walk I’ve done that even when ihe not been stressed and it helped. I took my daughter to soft play and it was great to see her having fun.

when I feel rubbish I smile at my daughter and she smiles back. I ask for a kiss and she kisses me sometimes and I love the morning cuddles that I get. If you find the beauty in some things and stick to it you’ll get somewhere.

Its always going to have its challenges it’s always going to have its bad moments but it’s also always going to be the best thing you’ve ever done.

it’s totally normal to feel and it should pass if it doesn’t your health visitor