Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

This sounds like torture for you. Could you ask/plead with your Mum to come and stay for a few weeks just to give you a bit of respite from the drudgery? Please don’t worry about what other people think, it’s absolutely none of their business.

Motherhood is the hardest thing anyone could post do ever.

I love it but sometimes struggle so much too, mentally and physically.

You're not alone

I only have one. I found 10 months old was the pits. I hated it. I loved my little toddler but 3 years old was HARD. A 3 year old and 10 month old? No thanks. Mine had significant sleep issues (as in he just didn't. For six years) so I feel your pain at the sleep deprivation.

One of the biggest problems here isn't your children, it's your bellend of a husband who isn't being supportive when you are struggling and is telling you to shut up. Deal with him and your problems will improve...

Everyone struggles in their own way. Just because they don't talk about it, doesn't mean they aren't. The fact they aren't says more - that they can't be honest and that's where the issue is - it's taboo.

It's ok to struggle. It's also ok to make your husbands ears bleed until he gets the message that he needs to step up and be sympathetic

This type of partner sucks the energy from you. Also if you do manage to negotiate time away, they often phone you up, feign incompetence and continue to make your 'time off' so stressful that you decide it's not worth it for the good of the DC. I would suggest insisting that you have a 4 hour slot and literally force yourself not to be on call for him in that way. (I left DH eventually , for his ongoing feigned incompetence at all of life not just childcare, three years ago - what amazes me is that he still tries this from a distance!) Unless you hold your line on this, it won't get any better! He can then choose what he wants to do with an equivalent 4-hour slot if he is going to be that petty - spend it as a family or do his own thing. If he chooses the latter then I guess you learn a little more about him.

I feel so much for you. When my kids were at that stage, if I had as little help as you, I’d be utterly on my knees. And I felt utterly on my knees! But my DH was around a lot and more hands on, my mum also came and I would get a few hrs here and there. And still I felt many of the things you feel, the utter relentless drudgery, fatigue, sense of being not good enough. I remember the phrase ‘I hate my life’ running around my head a lot. Tbh I still have the odd day like that now they are 7 and 4. But it is so much better.

Others have said it, but I’d implore you not to add beating yourself up to your list of suffering. Some of this you can’t avoid, but that inner voice that says you should be better - get that to fuck! I’ve read those responses on threads a la ‘I don’t understand why you are finding it so hard’ - please try to say a big massive ‘fuck you’ in your mind to that! Those people either have children with an easy temperament, or their own temperament- whatever, I don’t care, they are not you and not most of us. God knows we judge ourselves enough without other mums along to do it for us. Big hug to you x

I feel the same. Well, maybe not "hate" but it is definitely not a net positive in my life. I spent most of the last year wrestling myself over putting DS in nursery for one of my 2 days off work but honestly I may as well just wait til September now.

Unfortunately OP, on here, there are certain posters who plop into threads and say "Try being a single parent to 4, I NEVER get a break" etc. It's competitive misery. Same as those who say "I would give anything to be arguing with my mum but I can't because she's DEAD." Do ignore.

You definitely aren’t the only mum who feels like that OP. I had two under two, it’s very hard work. But it does get easier. You are doing a great job

Your biggest problem is your husband.

There's no 'we' it's just you getting on with it and him living his own life.

It doesn't matter what other people do it or how well they cope. YOU aren't coping and HE is doing nothing to help you.

Yes, help everyday like other women get from their partners! As you're not here to help, I need someone else!

I'm unclear if he's home on those 6 days or literally working away Mon-Sat kind of thing? If he earns decent money, why is he working 6 days such long hours?

Some people do just have easy kids. They think they are excellent parents but really, it’s just their kids. Occasionally these smug parents have a subsequent child and realise their excellent parenting wasn’t down to them. I once spoke to a woman who only on her fourth child, when all her previous excellent strategies failed, realised it was her kids’ temperaments that made her an excellent parent, rather than her parenting

And if you have kids who let you sleep, well, that’s worth an entire village of support on its own, isn’t it?

You just have a tough deal OP. It will gradually get better, and I am sorry you have Un empathetic smug arses around you.

Can you give your kids entirely to your H on the day he is there, and take yourself off somewhere for a rest/ break that day, once a week? Book yourself into a day use room for a sleep and then a nice meal and spa?

Others seem fine? Hmm. Where to start?

• Some people are also struggling but not letting it show in front of you
• Some parents have a lot of help, paid or family or both
• some parents have better mental health, better physical health, less need to sleep, strong resilience, probably don't need much alone time and thrive on chaos and adrenaline, extroverted
• Some people take to parenting better than others, some people LOVE the baby stage
• Some people have awful jobs or no real careers and feel a purpose or appreciative to be at home with DC
• Some people have more hands on partners
• Some people have or are facing far more traumatic things happening to them or close ones that it puts their daily struggles into perspective such as bereavement or terminal illness diagnosis that it made them appreciate what they have and accept that it's a phase, not their life forever

I hated the baby stage. I don't function well without solid minimum 7 hours of sleep. I wanted to throttle anyone who said to me: mess doesn't matter! (it depresses me having an untidy dirty home) or (enjoy it they are only little for a short while) fuck offffff!!! People mean it well and remember the baby stage with nostalgia so I try to take it with grace and hide my annoyance.

It'll be better when you're back at work. The biggest stress then is childcare when the child is ill and you have to work or lack of sleep and then having to work.

Also a really big thing that would help you I think is to let go of people’s judgement and do what’s right for you, you only get one life don’t live it to please other people.

I’m not always fine (constant illnesses for all of us since she started nursery has been very difficult) but I think the reason things are mostly good is that I only have one child and a pretty hands on DH. Without those factors I think I’d be seriously struggling. I know that doesn’t really help as you already have two and can’t give one back, but I’ve noticed so far that each stage gets generally easier than the last even though there are new hard bits, and I’m sure it’ll be great for you when yours are old enough to play with each other.

Nobody else is just fine so you’re not alone, I assume everything was fine with your first when just her but worse after 2nd. Maybe you should have stopped at 1?! Can you get a Nanny/childminder for couple of days or put both in nursery for couple of days?

Totally get where you’re coming from and remember feeling exactly the same! Also had little to no help with a DH who worked very long hours and had a MIL who only helped the other set of grandchildren even when I was really struggling and they had both parents at home a lot and really didn’t need the help. Spent a lot of time feeling crap, resentful and thinking everyone seemed to be coping and even enjoying it way more than me.

But I promise it gets easier - just hang on in there! This is not a great time of year with all the winter bugs about. Once they’re both at nursery and you’re at work and most importantly you get a break, you will feel much more positive about it all.

Your husbands opinion is irrelevant, he has no experience parenting so why does he think he gets to decide how hard it is? You need to get a backbone, your husband sounds awful but stand up for yourself, get some help so you can get a break because he's clearly not pulling his weight with the kids.

And yes, it's hard. I found 0-5 so difficult it put me off having any more. DC is a teenager now and I find it 100x more enjoyable parenting an older child than a younger one.

Sounds like your biggest problem is being constantly undermined by your husband. It suits him to keep you down feeling a bit rubbish, because it reflects from the fact that most dads do more than he is offering.

It's easy for him to say "we just need to get on with it" when he's living his normal life with no change

You haven't said why he's unavailable 6/7 days. Is that because you know it's bollocks and he could contribute if he wanted to?

I absolutely HATED the early years of motherhood. I used to shoot daggers at anyone who said it was 'such a special time'. You are not alone. It is exhausting, boring, isolating and just soul-destroying. I love my DC with all my heart but no fucking way do I ever want a pre school aged child ever again. Pure hell.

This. Currently I have a double whammy - toddler hasn't slept as she's unwell (yet again). Which means I can't go into work (again). No back up childcare as no local family and H working away until tomorrow.

Not quite sure how I still have a job tbh.

I have zero family support and H also works away half the month. I also work 4 days a week. I can guarantee you I'm far from fine most days! About as far as you can get. I think I've just got used to the feeling of absolute sheer exhaustion so I don't expect to feel anything different. And I when I do, it's a nice bonus. My toddler also doesn't sleep through the night still so many days (including at work) I'm literally a walking zombie. It's hell. So yeah, you're definitely not alone.

What job does your husband do and is he actually away for 6 nights or do you mean he works 6 days per week but is home when he finishes at the end of the day.

A lot of your problems is your pathetic husband undermines you, makes you feel like you are exaggerating,

He is so deluded, about the everyday hard slog demands of parenting young children,

I am just real curious what job career has he got that he is away from his family for so long then?

If your family finances can afford it, sounds like can, as what else is the point of him having a job like this, as its detrimental at the moment for family well being ,

He should, could put financial provision for extra support for you in whatever that may be.

Oops typo mistake I ment to say when people take holiday snaps when they go abroad.ect...

Hi Op

I think everyone sooner or later struggles with some kind of issue whatever age related

stage one, it is,in bringing up their children,
especially when your children are very small,

I just think obviously it depends on what kind of support you have as parents and also your own childhood experiences how challenging it is,
People like to put on a facade they have got it all sussed all together, well some people do this,
But sooner or later they will trip up on their smug attitude an be knocked off balance seeming out of the blue when a parenting challenge presents itself,
Also if you are into Facebook ect where everyone seems to show off their perfect seeming lives of going off abroad in the sin happy families ect you know perfect photos for every bloody thing,
Don't read too much into this ,nobody leads prefect charmed lives constantly like instragarm ect
It's just a photos that has just captured a moment in ⏲️ time that's particular poignant ect or ment to give that impression.

Also rember some people. are lucky have luck of the draw have good background as in suppeeeeeeeeeeeeec.support wise too.sigh I know the feeling..

I'm so angry at your husband. Not only he doesn't do anything, but he minimises your struggles.
And what does he mean with his work it's impossible to do any parenting? I he was a single dad, it would have to be possible.
Parenting 2 little ones is hard. Especially in winter when they're constantly ill. Glad your mum can help sometimes. Sending you hugs.