Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

Its shit until they start school. My last one started in September and now I'm finding it all relatively easy. Routine is absolutely key though. For your own sanity more then anything else! Use a slow cooker for meals, get shopping delivered. Get out the house as much as possible and find your tribe. Plenty of Mums out there who are willing to admit life is an absolute shit show. I don't entertain 'perfect' mothers who just want to judge. Its all smoke and mirrors anyway, I have mum friends I can call and say I want to sell my kid on ebay and they reply 'omg me too!'

OP sounds really tough. I wonder if you and DH are a little fixated on what others do/need? It really doesn’t matter if everyone else has 5 under fives, no help and a pristine house. The point is that you are struggling right now and can’t continue. 3 and 1 are the worst ages for kids (google it; I sure did when two of mine were at this stage!) and you are just approaching that - no one finds it a pic nic. If DH is absent all week you not only lack his support, you lack that adult company factor too so no wonder you are finding this difficult; add in sickness as well and it sounds like a nightmare.

For what it’s worth, I echo other poster comments about rose tinted glasses; my second didn’t sleep for more than 45 mins at a time until he was 4 months; he would lie in my arms with me sitting upright for most of the night, and woke during the night until he was around 9-11months (reflux). I remember this as a fact, but don’t really remember the bits around it; how difficult it must have been etc etc. I also remember being covered in bruises due to being so run down; again I remember going back to the work and telling my boss not to worry, but don’t really remember seeing the bruises. Bit like labour. You mostly remember the cute stuff! I got through by taking the kids out every day - clubs for the older one or playgroup/play cafe. I know you don’t like taking them both out; try it in small steps; walk to the park and build up from there. Their behaviour will improve as they get used to it. By taking them out it meant the house didn’t get messy for the morning or afternoon, the day was punctuated, and I got a bit of a break, even if just mentally. They were also happier, and it gave me enough strength to do other bits with them when we got home. If you have the finances to have lunch out as well, that’s a huge win.

As you have mentioned that you can afford it, I would buy in as much help as you possibly can. It’s irrelevant when your DH says ‘we need to get on with it’ - he’s not there. You have the finances, you are doing the drudge, it has to be your decision. Why not ask your cleaner to come twice a week so they can tackle some laundry as well whilst they’re there? Three times would be perfect (I don’t have a cleaner due to funds but there is no point cleaning if you can afford not to). Ask the nursery if anyone is interested in babysitting on the weekend day that DH isn’t at home and use that time as yours to nap/gym/shop/see friends, so then you can all enjoy the family time that he is craving on his one day at home.

This time is really short, but it’s also your time; you do deserve to be able to enjoy it. Paid help will help you enjoy it so why not buy in whatever you can? Once you are a little more rested, things will improve so dramatically, and you might be able to dial back your support a little but ultimately it is what you need right now. You also have a DH problem, but - one problem at a time 🤗

I find it incredibly hard. I have 3 young DC (6, 2 & 1 yo). It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I don’t have family help and DH works long shifts.

If you want to reach out please message me, I’m happy for you to have a good moan and I’ll no doubt join in!

I'm in the same boat OP. Partner works 6 days a week also. I'm exhausted. 4 year old and 1 year old here.

Take yourself off to the gym on a weekend and leave child with his dad
let then have some quality time together

Not everyone is fine. I have a similar age gap between my two and when my youngest was a baby, no joking I genuinely nearly lost my mind. I remember taking them to mcdonalds just to shove some easy food into the oldest, then we couldn't get a seat and she was going ballistic because they didn't have any fish fingers, and I had the baby in one arm.and the tray on the other, and inevitably I spilled my coke all over the floor and I just stood in the middle of mcdonalds and cried. A very kind lady gave me her table, sorted getting the mess cleaned and bought me a new coke, not a world of judgement, just support. Fuck the judgy twats, seriously, fuck them all. You find it hard because it is hard and you don't need to justify it.

Fwiw my kids are now 8 and 6 and it is SO much easier. House is fairly tidy, illnesses much less frequent, and they are generally reasonable human beings.

Sometimes I think I won't make it through the day it's that hard but somehow I do.
I put on a brave face, maybe many others do that and I don't think it's talked about through fear of judgement. Some days I cry it's that hard (in private). I have unhelpful parents so maybe that's an extreme case. That feeling of being on a desert island on your own with kids who need every ounce of you. You're not alone. I just try to breathe and say to myself you will get through today, one foot in front of the other x💐

Why is your husband only there one day a week? Sounds a bit shit and sounds like his work isn’t what’s best for your families needs.

I agree that not everyone is actually fine. I have 2 under 2. A 21 month old and a 10 month old who has a genetic disorder. I go to the gym and I’ve just started a part time job. On the outside I may appear fine but I really am not. It’s all so difficult. I do think you need people around you to complain/moan too. Not sure why your DH can’t be the peeson to have a bit of empathy especially seeing as he’s only there once a week

It wasn't easy, it was relentless. I was shattered all the time and I remember crying thinking I couldn't do it- everyone else isn't fine!

I'm a single parent and for me, nursery then school and me being at work massively helped/helps!

You need to talk to your H. Maybe he doesn't understand quite how you feel. Everyone needs some time out.

I admit on winter days we watched s lot of Disney films which my little Dds enjoyed and nature programmes ( animal park anyone?) which my toddler son enjoyed- short cuts don’t harm. Anything to help create a relaxed and upbeat atmosphere at home.

I only have 1 and I found 0-1 much harder than I thought I would. The days were just so long and thankless. I sobbed often and wondered wtf I’d done. A girl I knew from school had a baby around the same time as me and would constantly post about how magical her maternity leave was and it made me feel like an utterly shite mum for not feeling like she did.

I do feel a lot better now I’m back at work though. Having some adult conversations, coffee with a colleague and just 30 minutes by myself to eat my lunch makes the world of difference.

I also confided in my dr and was prescribed sertraline and propanalol which I know isn’t for everyone but being on them has made me see really clearly how desperately unhappy and anxious I was and I feel worlds away from this now.

But also, to echo other posters, your DH needs to pull his weight. It isn’t fair how it currently is. Could you show him this post?

I can relate to the exhaustion and judgement. My husband has never judged anything and is all about "optimising" and making things easier for me with two small children, which in our case was paid support due to DH's job and the fact he has epilepsy, so can't be sleep deprived.

My MIL has been extremely judgemental about my toddler going to nursery twice a week and having a cleaner, but I'm learning to ignore other people's unhelpful comments

Other people aren't you and I have found it's easy to be a perfect parent when you're not doing it.

My newborn is EBF and a terrible sleeper, so I barely sleep. I'm not prepared to go under physically and mentally in order to prove that I'm a worthy mother to others. If you fall apart the family falls apart as you are the lynch pin. Tell your husband you need more support.

Dear OP, I hope you can find the headspace to take on board some of the great suggestions on here this morning. I’m so sorry you are struggling, looking after two little ones is very very hard work. I’ve got just a couple of thoughts …
If painting is too messy, don’t paint at home
If children get in cupboards put child cupboard locks on, maybe put plastic toys cups etc in one they can open
where are the stories songs rhymes dances in your house?
as another poster just said, try the teddy bears picnic. Your 3 yr old might enjoy imaginary play and you might be able to keep her going with a few interested responses while you sit and play with the baby
change of scene - yes it’s hard getting out but what about a walk round the block/ to the park with double buggy
its important to bond with your children and to look for small things to enjoy.
a small word in support of your DH. He needs to step up if possible ( sorry, I’m not sure if he’s actually away from home six days??) and if he’s at home do things to help. However I can understand he’s having trouble responding to you when you say things like ‘looking after the baby is torture’. He’s probably worried sick about what’s going to happen if this carries on
also his desire to do things together in some of his time off would maybe help you bond as a family.
certainly take plenty of support from your DM if you can get it, you don’t need to tell other people anyway
hope you will soon feel a bit better and more able to take a positive approach to this phase

I promise you aren’t alone with this. Having a baby and a toddler was like utter torture for me, I found it so hard.

Only recently have I actually been able to take my two out by myself and they’re 2.5 and just turned 4! I found myself at breaking point a number of times and that was with a very supportive husband so I can barely imagine how you are feeling, it’s definitely not easy.

Hopefully getting back to work will help you by getting a break from the monotony of caring for young kids.

He NEEDS to walk a mile in your shoes and you NEED a break OP. So he can suck it up for one day. He can do the both kids thing, resentful or not. Tell him it's to save your marriage and you're going to have the day to yourself and he's in charge.

I totally get what you are saying. My life was hideous when they were that age TBH. It’s the constant exhaustion, boredom, relentlessness, feeling of being touched out all the time. Mine were terrible sleepers - not once did they nap at the same time despite my best efforts.

My daughter was surgically attached to my boobs for 2 years.

i remember wanting to kill my partner because she had a 45 minute commute to work - 45 minutes alone to listen to the radio! I was so so jealous!

I now know I had awful PND which obviously didn’t help but sleep deprived was the killer.

You are deep in the trenches OP. And you will sleep again. I do think you DH has to step up though - his Big Important Job is not more important than his family. Why does he work 6 days a week? He is working long hours on those days? How are you going to resume your career if he won’t share the childhood illnesses and the parenting load? I hated ML but when I returned to work, we did share the mental load and the drudge which helped.

mine are older now and I still find parenting really hard, I am not a natural. But I do adore them and life is immeasurably better.

Hang on in there. it is a cliche but you do have to take it a day, and sometimes an hour at a time. Hopefully it will be a bit easier come the spring when you can be out with them more - they can trash the park, rather than your house!

Lots of great suggestions here.

I’d just add to ignore what other people say re how much help they’re getting or how easy they find things. You’d be amazed how many people lie and say they’re doing everything themselves and have little or no help but then you find their DH works from home or their parents practically live with them.

Unless you’re with someone 24/7 you don’t actually know what their situation really is so don’t bother comparing yourself to others.

Just focus on how you feel and what might make life better for you! I would say in your situation that wanting a few hours respite is completely normal. There are very few people who’d be happy caring for 2 young children on their own with no support 6 days a week. I’d look into arranging a couple of mornings a week with a childminder for your youngest while your older one is at nursery or similar arrangement.

I was also on my knees at your stage of motherhood @feddupppp I can still remember the utter exhaustion and lack of support from my DH. (24 years later he’s an Ex DH…)

Things that helped me:

-Taking a small dose of antidepressants for a couple of years

-Taking the DC to any toddler group I could muster the energy for if only to wear them out. I found the local NCT group was quite active in my area.

— Getting outside whatever the weather. Feed the ducks. Breathe some fresh air and walk.

— Talk to your HV. Ask her what she can suggest.

And lastly, you can self refer to Homestart. It’s NOT means tested and it was an absolute saviour for me. I had a fabulous volunteer who came round one afternoon a week. She’d been there and got the t shirt. Took the kids to the playground while I had a looong bath. She was a godsend.

www.home-start.org.uk/

I was so impressed and grateful by the help Homestart gave me that I became a volunteer myself. I’ve made some great friends along the way.

Similar to what @Aftertheshowisover said, sometimes setting yourself up can make all the difference. I used to set up teddy bear picnics , snacks etc in the cosy room and read my book or a mag in breaks from them playing. We would kill quite a bit of time doing that and it was very chill

It is so hard. You always feel like you’re juggling too much, haven’t done enough, being judged. I think the reality is that we are all finding it hard but for some reason no one talks about it. It will get easier as they get bigger, the challenges are always there but will take a different form x

I’m resisting comparing to give you examples but I will say, can you hav3 a dedicated big bag for the back of the pushchair/pram, that you just top up as and when so you’re ready to leave th3 house quickly? It doesn’t matter if everyone isn’t properly dressed what matters is wearing the right clothing for the weather eg warm and layered up and you get away from the feeling you have in the house. Failing that do you play enough? Sounds silly but if feeling overwhelmed are you trying to do everything when maybe prioritise just enjoying playing, reading to them, watching tv with the eldest while nursing the youngest, and as long as there are no trip hazards the housework is going nowhere and you can catch up when they sleep bit by bit. I

I feel like this alot, and I only have one 3 year old.
I just find parenting such a grind. I miss my old life so much.

I don't understand how people can go on to have 2-3 kids. It looks like a complete shit show to me and not worth it.

So no, you're not alone. Parenting can be really shit.

Defo not fine 💐 just trying to keep going and finding snippets of time for me, I feel so run down and lacking energy. I am on my own too near enough, can be extremely lonely at times! X

Mentally with 10month old, I needed someone to 'dump' the baby with for a few hours on a regular basis. DH was working crazy hours at that point but still got that I just needed the mental relief. Your DH doesn't get to abdicate that responsibility because you have a cleaner and the older one goes to nursery. He's a selfish bellend who is working these hours precisely to avoid the torture you are having. His response tells you how much he doesn't want to do it. That's says how hard it is louder than any conversation with another parent. He's gaslighting you about it too so he doesn't have to do it

He's not a parent. You are doubling up on the parenting. Point it out.

OP in the nicest possible way you need to change your mindset. The days are long and sometime tedious and repetitive but try and focus on the nice, enjoyable bits with your DC. Complaining will make nothing better, but do just go off yourself and leave your DH with them. You need it.

Time off and choosing a positive attitude will make a big difference