Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

Agree that everyone isn't fine. I think mostly people don't want to admit even to themselves how hard they find it.
I have a two year gap and when mine were your ages we had just gone into the winter lockdown. I cried in Aldi after hearing it had just been announced. No one asked if I was okay. And then a few weeks in I called the GP and got help for pnd because I realised I really really wasn't ok.
Things getting back to normal helped, working more helped. Also as they get older they really do play together more and you get more of a break from that.

I would pay for any help you can afford. A cleaner, extra childcare, whatever you need. Book something just for you to look forward to. And yeah try and go out for fresh air and a run about every day even if it's just the garden. Listening to parenting hell podcast also makes me laugh and feel better about the shitness of parenting.

It is a hard slog when they were little. I think the only reason I managed is because I was late 20's and had loads of energy then.

You are carrying too much mental (and physical) load. Your DH isn't pulling his weight. I think you need to renegotiate this. I used to "lose my sh!t" with DH occasionally which used to work (at least for a time). Does he know exactly how you feel? Do you get any time alone to recharge? I used to do things like wander about shops for a couple of hours not thinking of anything.

Ignore your husband. Get in more help. Get your husband to do some solo childcare on his day off. Also, what helped me with tantrums was reading that it's ok if they're not content in that moment. It allowed me to let it wash over me, carry on as normal and ignore, which has - in time - meant they've got a lot better.

Comparison is the thief of joy - do not go there. Honestly just don’t do it.

Your husband needs to hear “I am on my knees here, knock it off with the guilt trips”.

How dare he try to make you feel bad? He needs a break from work? So do you - but you are working all day and most of the night too, 7 days a week.

If anyone is being pathetic or a weakling it is HIM.

I highly recommend you get a nanny when you go back to work. It sounds like you can afford it. That way the DC washing and toys will be kept tidy, the nanny can do the main meal of the day and you can provide a picky tea.

You also won’t need to worry about them being home from nursery with illness constantly.
Hang in there until then. Get the DC outside as much as possible - it seems to make life more bearable. Have a hug too. It’s tough

Why do yo keep comparing yourself to others? It doesn’t matter what other people are doing or how they are doing with their stressful lives, no one person is the same and no one person deals with an identical situation the same.

Why are you so concerned over your hubby having time off when you clearly don’t? You seem to care more about his opinion and what he says you should be doing than you care about your own mental health. If you’re unwell at the moment are you able to give the children to him while you rest on his day off? I think you need to sit him down, explain you don’t want to argue but lay all your emotions out on the table. Explain that without more help or even just a break especially at the moment while you’re unwell you won’t cope. Explain it doesn’t matter how other people are coping or seem to be coping you aren’t and you currently need a bit more help unless he wants you to; A, have a mental breakdown, B, accidentally potentially hurt one of the children or yourself due to exhaustion or worse!!

It is hard having two tiny ones, my first two children were about the same age gap as yours perhaps a bit closer together. I tried to avoid being at home on my own with the children as much as possible (I was young and my ex husband worked 7 days a week, was mentally and financially abusive). I would go absolutes anywhere during the day to avoid being confined to the house such as visit any family who would have me, play centres, parks, walks. That doesn’t seem like an option for you as you’ve stated you struggle with taking them out together.

You need help, please if he won’t give it to you find help for yourself. Can you afford to have baby in nursery one day a week or something just for the time being? Like a respite?

I don't think anyone can say they find being a mum easy. It's really hard OP. Some people just cope better than others and some are better at putting on a brave face. I found it very hard and lonely when my daughter was young. As she got older, it got better.-

I do feel you on this one. Mine are 2 and 4. I feel my world is so small. I hate that people are not upfront and honest about things, when it's so hard. Agree with everyone else, I don't know if anyone is 'fine'. I've been told that it gets better with time but the fact I haven't really been sleeping for 4 years is brutal. I still can't see the light but my mum tells me everyday that it's there ... And mine always get so ill too. I know it might not be much comfort but you're the centre of your children's little universe and even if things are crazy and feel unbearable, you're their world ...... And I'm sure although you don't feel it and you feel bad you're doing an amazing job. It will get better.

I completely relate. I’m a single parent to 8m old and 2 year old. We’ve all been ill for the last two weeks and it’s just horrific. My toddler has spent around half the time screaming and clinging to me and trying to hurt the baby. A lot of the time the baby has been crying too. I’m so sleep deprived from them waking up alternately but have to do housework in the evenings as there’s no other time. I mostly felt like quite a good parent when I just had one and don’t really feel that now. You feel like you have nothing left to give them sometimes but then have to find more.

I’m in a similar situation OP. I have a 2.5 yo and a 6 month old and I am definitely not fine!

In fact I’m bloody exhausted. Between toddler tantrums and constant night wakes I am completely and utterly at the end of my tether.

My husband is great but he doesn’t get it. He gets to leave the house and go to work
and completely detach. I’m here 24/7 and literally never get any rest.

No advice really, just wanted to say that most of us aren’t fine. You sound lovely and are doing great x

I feel like I could have practically written this post word for word, my kids are nearly 3 and 1. It's hard, tough, lonely and exhausting. You're not alone xx

Oh god, parenting is hard. So hard. And just when you get used to one phase, it turns into another. Most people find it hard and struggle at some point. I don't think people are often finding it much harder, or situations much worse, more like everybody is trying to relate in their own way about how it's hard for them. Everyone's benchmark for tough is different. But most of us find it hard, I definitely did, and now my youngest is 9 I'm in a stage where life is so much easier. Baby and preschooler parenting doesn't have to be everyone's favourite age, and it's OK to say that it's shit for you.

Pre schoolers be crazy. I cope ok most of the time but that's because I use avoidance tactics - shopping deliveries so I never have to take them to a shop, tactical outings to let them run wild and free so we can all nap for a couple of hours when everyone is tired out. Going ok tonight you can have buttered pasta for dinner because I can't be arsed arguing. Wine. Pick your battles!

My kids are 7 and 5 now and at school and, even though I now work, it is so so so much better than being a sahm to little ones.

We had zero family help, but DH pulled his weight despite working full time. I wouldn’t have coped without that. The odd week he worked away I felt like I was drowning. Even though I really only had his help for maybe an hour a day when the kids were awake, that hour made all the difference to the relentless grind! Plus of course he was there to watch them if I wanted to go out, and he helped with housework and early mornings and was home all weekend!

Definitely at 9 months and 3 DH would’ve had them both together on his own. he might not have liked it, but he could manage! He also took the older one to the park, supermarket, swimming lesson etc a lot on a weekend so I could stay at home when the baby napped.

You definitely have a DH problem! My parents would also come and visit for a couple of weeks at a time once a year and honestly it was like a spa holiday for me, so if your mum can come and help then ask her to!

You poor thing, nobody should underestimate just how hard having small children is, it is isolating and draining. I used to see other women who seemed so together while I was a wreck. Dh and I argued loads. I struggled to get my stuff together but it does get better. Ask someone to help, a friend or relative you feel comfortable with even just for a few hours.

My kids are a bit older now and I would love to help a new tired mum and take the baby out for a few hours, now it's over I miss that stage. Unfortunately I don't know anyone with a baby these days. 🤔

With you, OP.

He needs to adjust his work or adjust his expectations.

He is just trying to put you back in your box. How has his life changed? 6 days a week (and probably all nights) are the same as pre children for him. He is absolutely not pulling his weight. He is fighting you instead of being in your corner and asking how he can help or looking for ways to make things better which is just unforgivable.

You are not alone! 1 and 4 year old here and finding it so so tough. My eldest continued her nursery through my mat leave (we dropped a day for financial reasons) and it was a bloody god send. Then she started school in Sept which was also great!
What I've discovered since becoming a mum is that everyone has an opinion. If your kids are happy and loved then you're doing great. It feels relentless when they're sp young but it will get easier (I tell myself this on repeat)

Hi OP

I wanted to say that you find it hard because it is bloody hard. I had a non sleeper and I had to put my eldest in nursery full time until the sleep sorted itself out as I couldnt cope. It also felt like by the time I'd got them ready to leave the house it was so late there was no point going.

A baby and a toddler is a killer as (with an older baby especially) they can't be left and they have different interests. Even taking them to the park seems impossible as all the baby can do is go in the baby swings but the toddler will be falling over and climbing dangerously on stuff. Not easy. Its absolutely relentless and a lot of it is just boring by mentally exhausting at the same time.

Can you do any sleep training? You should also get a bit of respite when it comes to spring there is normally a bit less illness.

Honestly though I think one of the reasons you're struggling is the lack of support. Both physical and mental. Putting both to bed on your own I found to be impossible. Id panic when my husband was away a night. You're doing that every night. Yes you get some help from your mum but it's a 24 7 job so even two days a week means you're still working 150 hours in a week!

Your husband though really sounds like he is making everything worse. He is belittling you and indirectly criticising you. If he is not there from a practical perspective then he should be from an emotional one. But he is just shutting you down. Even if he cant do anything practical just saying 'I know its hard for you, I'm sorry I'm away so much, I really appreciate everything you do, and I'll make sure you have a rest when you're home' would make you feel massively better I think. Instead you've got someone who hasnt ever looked after both his kids together for any length of time, implying that its easy and you get loads of help and therefore should be coping. Fuck him OP. Honestly he can get to fuck, if it's that fucking easy then he can actually spend some quality time with his kids when he is off or actually listen and hear what you're saying instead of dismissing your feelings.

I have a supportive husband who used to acknowledge that when our kids were tiny it was easier being at work, was happy to buy in help etc and i still found it impossible. I regretted my eldest until they were about 2 as it was just so hard.

I think you need to sit him down when he is back, in a counselling environment if necessary, and explain to him that he is not actually listening to what you're saying, you are not coping, you need some help, whether he thinks you have it easy or not is irrelevant. I'd be asking him to take a few days annual leave and look after the kids on his own without you there, or using food you've prepared etc etc to really see what it's like. Or consider him taking the last few months of shared paternity. Or take a few months of parental leave. So he can truly appreciate what it's like. The monotony, the never ending demands, the lack of sleep, the overwhelming responsibility. And if he refuses then he has absolutely no right to judge what is 'enough' help or not. And you need some time off, you cant be a parent 24.7 and nothing else, you need some regular time at some points in the week to do something for yourself.

@Idontknownemore

Hats off to you- THREE young kids and little family support!

You have a husband issue. Why has he never looked after the kids himself? You need to share responsibility - was this discussed or have you just assumed this role?

It doesn’t need to be this hard, although I’m not surprised how bad it is. He needs to help you with sleep training, and working out why the children are permanently ill.

I completely understand how you are feeling! I love my daughter more than anything but my god I sometime hate being a mum. It’s boring, monotonous, constant tantrums, constant noise, constant sensory overload, too much house work, not enough time, not enough support, no time for me.

sometimes I honestly feel that I don’t want to live anymore. I have spoken to my GP and my work but neither are taking me seriously. Everywhere you turn there is just no support and understanding x