Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

It really does sound as if you're struggling. But admitting it is the first step before things can get better. I don't meant to be cruel, but some mums will of course be better at being a mum than you. That's the case with anything in life - there will always be people who are better than you. You don't automatically get the skillset of a good mum, just because you have kids.

The first step to coping better is finding good mum role models, and try and find out what works for them, what strategies they have, what routines they have. If you do what they do, then with time and perseverance there's no reason why you shouldn't get outcomes similar to them.

I find Mumsnet tends to be very good at making you feel better, but not great at providing concrete advice to actually help with an issue. Hopefully you'll take this post as inspiration to improve, rather than a dig. But it's up to you - as with a lot of things in life it's all about mindset

You are at the sharp end with kids of those ages. It is difficult. Everyone finds it difficult (and if they don’t they have a lot of help or are not being entirely truthful!). It does get easier. Can you think of anything that might help make things easier now?

tell your mum to piss off too - has she got anything constructive to say? Or is she just going to pass judgement as well?

I have two 13 months apart and some days nothing seems to go right, others are lovely. What I have found really helps is just getting out of the house. If I don't it is much more stressful, so I go out every morning and we do something and it honestly makes such a difference to the day.

Just here to say it’s not just you. I have a 5yo, 3yo and 9mo. Currently the 3yo is off nursery because we’re potty training and he had so many accidents there yesterday and the 9mo is whingy and teething. It’s really really hard. The 5yo has her moments but she’s much easier to deal with generally as she’s becoming a bit more self sufficient. And she sleeps. It does get easier. But for now 3yo is watching the iPad to keep us all sane 😬😬 Some days I feel like we’re on top of stuff but they’re not very often. Even days out usually end up with tears. 9mo starts nursery next month and I go back to work and even though it will be hard I am looking forward to some time when there’s no children wanting my attention.

Hi OP, I have children the same age as you and it is relentless. If people are judging you for getting help sometimes please ignore them. Remember the saying it takes a village? It is so true. We weren't meant to do this alone.
Children tend to play up for their mums because we're their safe space. But you need to prioritise yourself sometimes. It's ok to walk away for a breather if the whinging gets too much. The housework can wait sometimes. I find it helpful to get out each day with the kids, even if just a long walk to the park if you can manage it. And going back to work will hopefully be a good thing for you and help you feel a bit better.
I have no advice about tantrums I'm sorry but you sound like you're doing a great job in what's been a very challenging few years. I hope you feel better. Please reach out to family, friend, GP if you need.

I really struggle too, I think lots of people do. a couple of things which has helped me are…

not to hold myself to unrealistic expectations. There is only so much I can do. Don’t guilt myself about the things I can’t manage.

sleep deprivation is awful and makes everything seem worse. As they (hopefully!) get older and sleep better then you will feel better.

toddler & baby is the hardest combo! Toddlers are completely unreasonable little beings, with little safety sense. Babies are 100% reliant on us for everything. It’s gets easier as they get older!!

make sure your DH pulls his weight whenever possible. If he’s not home much then it’s imperative he does as much as possible when he is there. He is not more important than you and you both deserve down time to rest.

don’t rule out post natal depression, it’s very common at the stage you’re at. Don’t be afraid to speak to the gp or health visitor about this if you need to.

Sounds like you are single mum , what was the plan ? I’m honestly not shaming or blaming , I really feel this and I only have one of 3 years old and she still doesn’t sleep through a night , I’m desperately trying to find in myself the strength to have another one cause we do want one , cause we know in the long run is gonna be good but I just can’t bring myself to go through what you are describing … I’m honestly asking you how did you manage to decide to have a second one ? Was life easier with one and you thought you could do it again ?? Cause that’s exactly how I see myself ending up if I have 2 and my partner would be waay more helpful than yours …
your H is a dick … I’m sorry but he is leaving you alone and drowning … you could leave him tomorrow and your life wouldn’t be effected … might even get easier cause there is nothing like the loneliness of doing it all alone when it was ALWAYS meant to be team work … he doesn’t get to have a kind of job that keeps him from being home or help and have the whole happy family and children once he gets home … especially if there wasn’t a help planned for you . Selfish ass that’s whT he is . He is the issue here not the kids not the routine not the fact that they are always sick … that’s shit but natural and will get better but he will still be an ass in 10
years and you will live next to someone who left you drowning in a moment of need and shamed you for needing help .

You have it really tough and I sympathise- I have a 5 year old and 21mo twins, it’s their first winter in nursery so we have constant illness. DH pulls his weight- he does 4/7 nights with the twins a week and some of the nursery and school runs as he works from home. But I am so poorly all the time. In the last 10 days I’ve had D&V and now I have cold/chills, sore throat and conjunctivitis in both eyes. I’ve had to carry on for the most part, DH took the kids for a couple of hours when I was really sick but that’s it. If he was that poorly he would take the day off work and go back to bed! But he does his share in other ways so I can’t get too annoyed. But I definitely don’t feel like I have it together, I look at other mums on the school run with their hair and makeup done and think they have it together!

In your position I would probably be questioning whether it’s worth being with your husband. He sounds utterly selfish. Being at work is a break compared to young kids!

I wish we could purge the world of fucking men who believe their job stops at the procreation bit.

My DH is very, very supportive - he does night feeds, bath times, bed time, I do all day everyday. We split it on weekends.

This is after I had a complete breakdown when DC was still under 6 months because I just wasn't coping. But he didn't tell me to suck it up because he's not a dick, he's a supportive partner.

No one is coping 100 per cent, it's fucking hard work but no one wants to admit they're not coping because there's still a very large stigma attached to not Mary Poppins-ing every minute of motherhood.

You are not the problem. You're surrounded by unsupportive assholes. He either needs to pull his weight or fuck the whole way off. I suspect your life would be a lot less stressful without a third child.

It's good that they are always ill now. Better than later when you go back to work.

Your husband is a twat and shit father who can't manage on his own.

Sleep deprivation is the worst.

Other people are not fine.

I really feel for you OP, I can remember those days well.

Have you told your mum how you are feeling? Could she come and stay and help you for a bit? How about your MIL, do you get on ok, would she help you? My late MIL was a great help to me with my boys.

Surely DH could take the children out to the park, or for a walk with the pram, to allow you an hour or two of peace.

it’s completely unfair for you to take all the responsibilities and care for the children, can’t he see how it’s getting you down?

Also this is bloody hard and very few people experience it or can fathom it. It’s very hard to ask someone who doesn’t get much of a break themselves to sacrifice their break to let you have a break. We had so much resentment when ours were little because he was working every day, then doing renovation work in between and I was just on my own with all the children. After he’d finished work he’d want to relax on the sofa. I did all the night wakings because he Had To Work. Then if he did have time off he’d want us to do something and couldn’t understand me sometimes just wanting a break. He looked forward to spending time with us and took it personally if I didn’t want to. If I tried to explain it to him he’d get defensive and say “we can swap if you like and you do my job and I’ll stay home, I’d love to be at home looking after kids all day instead of doing my job”. That wasn’t what I was saying at all, and I wasn’t trying to compete over who had it harder because I knew he worked bloody hard but at the same time I just sometimes needed a bit of time where I wasn’t dealing with the children!

We’re ok now they’re a bit older and he often has them by himself but those years were hard and he will NEVER know how hard it can be looking after a baby and toddler alone day in day out because he never did it!

OP I could be you! Mine are 2.5 and 4m, so in a few short months will both be the age yours are now.

it’s so hard. So hard! But I can’t really articulate why sometimes. I find going out with the two really daunting too! Between lugging the heavy car seat in and out the car whilst wrangling a toddler, or heaving the massive pram out, getting baby in it whilst toddlers screaming to get out first. I’m always so scared of being judged by others two which is daft because if I see a mother struggling I sympathise not judge.

I got the guilt from my parents and in laws two re toddler going to nursery 3 days a week whilst I’m off. If she didn’t go, I think I’d combust!!! All the offers of help that were made from both sides of the family whilst I was pregnant disappeared into the Etha. They only come occasionally, take photos/cuddles and take offence if I don’t sit and entertain them rather than getting jobs done.

we had to sack our cleaner because she was terrible, and can’t find another one right now, the laundry though. Dear god the laundry is never ended cycle of collecting it, putting it on, drying it, folding, putting away (or forgetting it’s in the machine and needing to re wash it) I’d love a laundry service!!!

I have friends with 2 kids older than ours and they say it gets better so I’m clinging onto that. But I regularly send pathetic help me/I’m so shite at this/why am I so crap at this SOS texts to them. You’re not alone.

though I must say, your DH needs to step up! When he’s home he needs to do 50% of the work with you! You do 100% at your job during the day, as does he, and then you share in the evening. My DH works away 3 nights a week but when he’s home he’s great!

Scientific - society

This is a fabulous summation.

That raging inside thing - so much more needs to be said and done to help women through this. Calling us Karen and belittling us when we take up the slack and take all this shit. Agree you have a DH problem OP but it’s also more than that. Because our scientific has broken down so much there is no support available where there once was.

Mine are 16 & 19 now, one at Uni. It’s absolute bliss now with none of the boring shite that drove me mad in the preschool years. Would I do it again? God the love I feel for them is HUGE so yes, I can’t imagine a life without them. But I’d get back to work quicker, outsource more, insist on more help in those pre school years.

Motherhood is massively oversold to women IMO. We're told it's hard work "but worth it", that the love we feel for our children will somehow cancel out the sacrifice and the stress and the boredom and the sleep deprivation. But when I actually had kids I realised that whilst I loved them fiercely and would do anything for them, so much of parenting is just relentlessly shit, and I was surprised to discover that the love I felt for them didn't necessarily make it any less shit.

I remember wondering, at 2am when I was up with a 4 year old and a three month old who both had chickenpox and DH was abroad on a 2 week business trip, why the streets weren't full of women screaming, shouting, crying, breaking things every day...where was the rage??? Then I remembered that I wasn't screaming or shouting or breaking things either. Instead I was doing the school run, changing nappies, making endless meals, picking up Duplo and raging on the inside. I cried, frequently, but this was done behind closed doors. To anyone on the outside looking in I would have seemed absolutely "fine", but I definitely wasn't fine.

My kids are older now and life in general has definitely gotten easier. I'm slowly getting some freedom and flexibility back. But some days (or weeks) are still shit. There are still moments where, if I could go back in time and give my pre-child self advice, I'm not entirely sure I'd tell them "it's worth it"...and that's with a DH who does his fair share of the parenting and domestic stuff.

You have a DH problem, OP. You need to outsource what you can, demand some time for yourself and if he won't facilitate it he can pay for someone else to. He is taking the piss.

IYour life would be completely different with a supportive partner who valued the work that you do, treated you like an equal, who listened to you and took you seriously. The lack of support from your partner will wear you down. You need to explain that your mental health means you need a day off once a month and he will be to look after the children and run the errands with them for a whole day. His attitude sounds so superior and entitled that this may not be enough. Your partner doesn't see you as an equal human being. You are not a robot and if you don't find a way to get some time off you are facing burn out.

I heard this woman talking on a podcast the other day and she sounded good. Might be worth checking out…

www.goodinside.com/podcast/

Im with you OP, I’m currently hanging out of my arse, being sick/cough/cold/temp and DH is at work 6am until 8pm tonight. He phones in sick and gets lemsip and naps, I get changing shitty arses, school runs, peppa pig, pretend tea parties, tantrums, baths, bedtimes the lot!

Your post really resonated with me. I remember dp asking me to ‘pop in’ to a shop to get something on my way home from dropping the other ones at school and I had a complete meltdown. The thought of having to wrangle a toddler and baby out of the car, get them across the road, into the shop, manage to buy what he wanted without the toddler having a tantrum/ pulling stuff off the shelves and then get them back in the car again was more than I could cope with at that already exhausted time. And then I felt even worse because it just sounded so ridiculous and pathetic when I was trying to explain it to him.