Page 4 | DP of two years still isn’t sure about marriage

swingle · 2022-10-11T13:27:59+00:00

DP and I have been together for just over 2 years and have lived together for over a year, we are both early 30s. The relationship is fantastic and we’re both very happy, but it recently occurred to me that whilst we speak about future plans, DP never speaks about marriage or when that might be. From my point of view, whilst two years isn’t a huge amount of time, I feel it’s been long enough for me to know with absolute certainty that I want to marry him. We’ve both supported each other through a huge amount over the last two years, including close family deaths, new jobs, house renovation and so on, so it’s not as if we haven’t faced challenges during our relationship either. Decided to have the conversation with DP about marriage and he seemed like a deer in headlights, asking if I was saying I wanted to get married right now. We spoke more about it and essentially, DP feels we both need to experience more things together before he feels ready to marry and that “perhaps in the next couple of years” he will want to. To me this felt like such a wishy washy response and I’ve been left with more questions than answers. AIBU in thinking that two years should be long enough to know for certain whether you want to marry someone, especially at our age? I respect myself enough not to wait around if someone else doesn’t feel the same.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2022 16:58

bingbummy · 11/10/2022 16:12

I assure you he is 100% sure after two years whether he wants to marry you or not.

Absolutely this. He is not going to marry you. He has zero intention of getting married. He's got exactly what he wants already without the commitment.

nutbrownhare15 · 11/10/2022 16:53

And if his reaction is similar in a year I think you have your answer.

nutbrownhare15 · 11/10/2022 16:52

Myself and DH moved in together very quickly but didn't agree we'd like to get married until over 3 years in. My suggestion would be to leave it for a year then to have the conversation again. This is a compromise between his couple of years and your right now. In the mean time make sure he is the one for you and I'd you do decide to marry and have kids make sure you discuss who will take on the various forms of additional work that goes alongside with having kids

Trees6 · 11/10/2022 16:50

I’m 50 and I have too many same-age friends who are childless (not by choice) or who had their first/only DC at 43/44 years old because they were placeholder girlfriends at some point in their late 20s and 30s. They would tell you to have a serious conversation with your partner and then to cut your losses if he resisted marriage and children.

These are not bad guys ….but they are not playing fair either. I’m sure that your partner is a decent man but he needs to be candid with you.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 11/10/2022 16:48

You have bought a house together, I would be a bit worried if he isnt 100% on board with your relationship........

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 11/10/2022 16:44

Galaktoboureko · 11/10/2022 16:08

I would only marry for financial reasons personally or if my partner really wanted to. But, granted, I don't want kids.

It's always seemed odd to me to have to undertake a huge complicated expensive affair representing a religion that most people don't actively practice. Really, a Christian marriage is no more logical for me than having an Indian marriage as a white person.

You think marriage represents Christianity? I can't tell from your wording there, but it had been practiced for thousands of years before Jesus lived.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 11/10/2022 16:40

Galaktoboureko · 11/10/2022 16:20

I guess I just don't really get the concept. Outside of financial reasons, I don't need a piece of paper to prove my commitment to my partner.

I also dislike the insinuation from some posters that if somebody isn't prepared to marry then their partner needn't have any commitment to them. If a parent no longer wants to be with me then I wouldn't expect him to stay out of obligation. But when you place your trust in somebody you expect them no to shag around behind your back, etc.

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But your views on the necessity of marriage, with respect, are irrelevant. The OP obviously is interested in and places a value on marriage. What she wants to know is our views on her partner’s reaction.

OP, you have planted the seed. Try to ignore it for a few weeks, see what comes up. I’m afraid I got quite worried about being married ( though at a much later life stage than you) because I was concerned about inheritance tax , (menopausal anxiety). I got a similar reaction to you, I was frankly pretty upset.

two months later he proposed to me in a rather romantic way…..

Suprima · 11/10/2022 16:29

Galaktoboureko · 11/10/2022 16:15

I'm not so sure.

I think it's possible to have multiple relationships that are 'good' but then meet somebody who you just click with and quickly realise that the previous partners weren't a good fit. Same with jobs. Sometimes you just find the right fit.

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You have basically supported the point I was making.

Men will have entire long term relationships, sometimes with children involved, with women who they fancy and think ‘good enough for now’. They know for a fact that long term it’s not the right fit- but they stay as having a live in girlfriend generally makes the average blokes life easier.

All the more reason you shouldn’t stay with a man who has made it very clear that you aren’t his right fit/marriage material- if that’s what you want from him.

LeningradSymphony · 11/10/2022 16:29

Galaktoboureko · 11/10/2022 16:20

I guess I just don't really get the concept. Outside of financial reasons, I don't need a piece of paper to prove my commitment to my partner.

I also dislike the insinuation from some posters that if somebody isn't prepared to marry then their partner needn't have any commitment to them. If a parent no longer wants to be with me then I wouldn't expect him to stay out of obligation. But when you place your trust in somebody you expect them no to shag around behind your back, etc.

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And that's fair, marriage isn't for everyone. For me it was important as I wanted a child and did not want to enter coparenting without the legal side of marriage. There were various things that would have put me at risk moving to part time work had we not been married. It wasn't really anything to do with romance for us, we wanted to be married and share a name and be seen as family in the eyes of the law but the romance side wasn't a huge part of it, it's a legal contract after all!
I think people are just recognising that OP isn't getting the commitment she wants from this relationship. If she didn't want marriage it'd be fine and dandy. Fine to want it, fine not to want it, problems arise when you're on different pages.

ilovepuppies2019 · 11/10/2022 16:28

I agree OP, two years is long enough in your 30snto know whether or not you want a future with that person. I would be very disappointed in that response because he sounds unsure if he wants to marry you. He hasn't made up his mind about you. That's very hurtful about being his best friend and showing him all sides of yourself after two years. I would revisit this issue again and ask him to think about it over the next 3-6 months. Hopefully he will have a clearer idea of where he stands. It's okay to not want to marry right now but he should be confident they he wants to marry you in the next few years. If not, and if you want children, then move on.

MoggyMittens23 · 11/10/2022 16:28

God I disagree with a lot of the comments. I wouldn't back off or play it cool so as not to scare the poor lamb off, why game play? Also in the camp of when you know, you know. We were married 10 months after we met, over a decade later super happy. Sorry but I think he should know if he wants to marry you or not after 2 years.

TokenGinger · 11/10/2022 16:28

I'd have been a bit freaked out if DP had wanted to discuss marriage at two years in. I was still getting to know him at that point. We hadn't experienced living together for very long at two years in. For me, marriage isn't something I'd want to rush. I'm happy to enjoy him and us until we feel ready to take it to that next level but it doesn't mean I love him any less.

HikingforScenery · 11/10/2022 16:27

knittingaddict · 11/10/2022 15:16

2 years is plenty of time to decide if the other person is the one they want to be with. Not being sure suggests an element of being in a place holder relationship or the other person never wanting to marry, but not being open about it. I would push for honesty. but that's just me.

I agree with this. I think it’s great you started the conversation and now you need to look at your options.

bodie1890 · 11/10/2022 16:23

I don't think 2 years is very long to make a decision about the rest of your entire life.

It's good to establish that you both want the same things ultimately i.e. marriage, children or not, so neither of you are wasting your time with someone on a completely different life path.

But it's still quite early for an actual proposal I think.

FleetofFoot77 · 11/10/2022 16:22

Badgirlriri · 11/10/2022 14:30

2 years isn’t long enough to decide whether someone wants to spend their entire life with you, imo.

Surely you want him to be sure rather than rush into it, regret it and end in divorce??

While two years isn't long enough, I don't think a deer in headlights response is exactly appropriate either, especially for a man in his thirties. He must have some inkling where the relationship is heading! It's not as if they are teenagers.

Op in your shoes I think I would take myself off somewhere alone this weekend. Don't be dramatic about it, just tell him you need to think for a bit.

It's up to you what you do with his response but why not take a break? If you are right for one another then it will all work out but just as he has a right to feel as he does, so do you!

Unless there are some health, family or financial reasons why he can't entertain the idea of getting married ATM, then I wouldn't necessarily be hanging around waiting for him to clarify his feelings. Personally, I think it was a little early to ask the question you did, but having done so, it can't be unasked, so it will kind of be hanging there between you now and that might be difficult.

Galaktoboureko · 11/10/2022 16:20

LeningradSymphony · 11/10/2022 16:15

I had a wedding in a register office in the UK.

Not a single word was breathed of God or any kind of religion. It cost a couple of hundred pounds. It really wasn't complicated. Rang up, booked a date to go sort the papers out at the council building, scheduled a date for the ceremony, picked a few songs and that was that.

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I guess I just don't really get the concept. Outside of financial reasons, I don't need a piece of paper to prove my commitment to my partner.

I also dislike the insinuation from some posters that if somebody isn't prepared to marry then their partner needn't have any commitment to them. If a parent no longer wants to be with me then I wouldn't expect him to stay out of obligation. But when you place your trust in somebody you expect them no to shag around behind your back, etc.

Lampzade · 11/10/2022 16:19

He doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, he would have proposed by now.
You are both in your early thirties and live together so he should have been thinking about marriage
Op don’t allow yourself to be a placeholder.
As others have said, a man can string a woman along for years. They eventually split up for various reasons, but the main reason being the man’s refusal to commit.
A year later he announces his engagement to another woman on Facebook.
I have seen this so many times .
There will obviously be exceptions, but generally, if a man doesn’t discuss marriage he doesn’t see a long term future with you
Trust me

SchoolQuestionnaire · 11/10/2022 16:18

TimetoGoTed · 11/10/2022 14:58

What isn't clear from your OP is what conversations have already been had about life plans from the pair of you. I hate any kind of game-playing, and I think the older I get the less time I've got for cryptic conversations and treading on eggshells in case I were to scare someone off. You're both adults. Surely you've both already discussed what you'd ideally like your lives to look like?

If not, then now is the time to do so. My husband was considerably younger than me when we first met and many friends assumed he'd be scared off / intimidated by commitment, but even in the early months he was mature enough to be able to say 'look we are just getting to know each other right now but in the not too distant future I'd ideally like to have a family' etc, and then after a couple of years we got engaged.

Your partner being scared by this conversation at the age of 30-something and after two years together is not a good sign imho. I've been there and had a guy waste my time for a number of years suggesting he'd think about getting married one day down the line when we had experienced more things together, when in actual fact he was never going to commit (numerous subsequent non-committed short-term relationships after me and no children now aged 50).

No-one has to want to get married, but you do have to be in the same page up start a life with someone, so unless you are clear about that then I'd be very careful.

This.

It’s ridiculous that so many women are afraid to have a sensible conversation with their dp for fear of ‘scaring him off’. If he’s afraid after two years then that tells you everything you need to know. Move on.

FlowerArranger · 11/10/2022 16:17

By 2 years most people will know, though it could be borderline.

However, his response - the fear, the vague and totally dispassionate response - is a HUGE red flag!

Galaktoboureko · 11/10/2022 16:15

Sisisimone · 11/10/2022 15:52

I think we all know a good few men who at one point ‘weren’t sure’ and messed a DP around for 6 years for him then to be engaged within 12 months of their break up

yes, crazy how often this happens. Every man I know who has said they 'don't believe in marraige' or the good old 'it's only a piece of paper' have strung their partner along for a number of years until they fall for someone and marry within months. So many men with women that they think will just do for now because it makes life easier for them to be living with a girlfriend

I'm not so sure.

I think it's possible to have multiple relationships that are 'good' but then meet somebody who you just click with and quickly realise that the previous partners weren't a good fit. Same with jobs. Sometimes you just find the right fit.

LeningradSymphony · 11/10/2022 16:15

Galaktoboureko · 11/10/2022 16:08

I would only marry for financial reasons personally or if my partner really wanted to. But, granted, I don't want kids.

It's always seemed odd to me to have to undertake a huge complicated expensive affair representing a religion that most people don't actively practice. Really, a Christian marriage is no more logical for me than having an Indian marriage as a white person.

I had a wedding in a register office in the UK.

Not a single word was breathed of God or any kind of religion. It cost a couple of hundred pounds. It really wasn't complicated. Rang up, booked a date to go sort the papers out at the council building, scheduled a date for the ceremony, picked a few songs and that was that.

bingbummy · 11/10/2022 16:12

I assure you he is 100% sure after two years whether he wants to marry you or not.

Lampzade · 11/10/2022 16:12

LeningradSymphony · 11/10/2022 14:40

It depends on age.

Teens, early twenties? I think it's okay if at 2yr into a relationship you don't know whether you want to get married to that person. You might just not be at an age where marriage feels appropriate.

However... once you're into your late twenties/thirties, in my opinion, you know whether you're interested in marriage and whether you see yourself marrying. You've seen friends and family get married and start families. And two years is enough to know whether you want to marry the person you're with imo, even if you don't foresee it happening for a little while longer.

DH said he knew he wanted to marry me from very early on, proposed on our third dating anniversary. That felt like an appropriate length of time to us to not be rushing into it but not delaying pointlessly. I wouldn't personally want to actually marry someone before a 2yr anniversary, but I knew at that point whether I wanted to marry him or not.

I'm sorry to say but I don't see that you have similar goals if you're in your thirties and he's all shocked and surprised at the mention of marriage while you're already thinking you'd love to marry him. It seems a bit odd to me that it hasn't occurred to him and it wasn't a great response, he sounded very defensive and like he sees it as a threat rather than something wonderful.

'Perhaps in the next couple of years I might want to marry' isn't going to be enough for you imo, if you want to marry. As a woman in your thirties, if you want kids (don't know if you do or not) you don't really have the luxury of waiting and seeing whether this man fancies marrying you or not as two more years is a lot to gamble on someone when it could easily end with nothing and then you're starting afresh again.

Trust me on this: you want to marry someone who's excited by the idea of and keen to marry you. Not someone you have to persuade into it or who seems uninterested.

This

Galaktoboureko · 11/10/2022 16:11

Weepachu · 11/10/2022 15:50

It’s no less than any man would do.

Please don’t encourage the OP to waste her best years.

Ideally she would just ditch him after his non committal deer in headlights response, but in reality she will not be able to practically or emotionally, for some time. So the best solution is for her to look out for her own needs. She doesn’t owe her DP anything or need to ‘be true to him’ after he has shown his disinterest in marriage.

Put yourself and your future children first OP.

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So, you think 'any man' would secretly date behind his partner's back and that if a man isn't sure about marriage he's instantly worthless and nothing he's done so far matters a fig.

Um, OK....

Galaktoboureko · 11/10/2022 16:08

I would only marry for financial reasons personally or if my partner really wanted to. But, granted, I don't want kids.

It's always seemed odd to me to have to undertake a huge complicated expensive affair representing a religion that most people don't actively practice. Really, a Christian marriage is no more logical for me than having an Indian marriage as a white person.