DP of two years still isn’t sure about marriage

It’s probably a difficult read

I'm not sure the OP is still reading this.

I agree OP. Early 30’s he should know whether or not he wants to marry you. I married my husband at 32 after three years together but we’d been talking about kids, marriage, etc after a year. It’s really hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes though. I pushed for marriage and kids with my DH. He’s 4 years younger and I’m very aware if he’d been dating someone younger he would not have got married or had kids so quickly but when we met I made it clear that these were dealbreakers for me and I wasn’t going to waste my time on a relationship where he “might” marry me at some unspecified time in the future.

Let him consider what you’ve said and then a frank talk about what you want needs to be laid out. Kids, marriage, everything. Tell him that if he can’t give you this commitment then you’d rather know now so you can walk away and have time to find someone who wants the same things. Make it clear that if he has any respect for you he will be honest as the very worst thing he could do is to string you along and you lose your chance of having children (if that’s what you want of course)

What was the discussion when you moved in together??

Judging by your lack of discussions about marriage to this point and his reaction when you brought it up I would say that he has no intention of getting married to you. I’d expect sone discussion of it before now (around the time you moved in).

Have you talked about kids? Does he want them? If you do I’d have one more conversation saying that you would like him to be really honest with you about how he feels. Then decide what to do from there.
But I would not be hanging around. You don’t sound like you are on the same page at all

Do you want kids? if so I'd leave him now tbh.

I am in the two years is long enough to know camp, considering your ages, although I would be interested to know if you are say 30 or 34 as even that makes a difference. His response is a bit concerning too, I don’t really understand how you got to be living together for a year without this apparently even crossing his mind.

I think when your both in your early 30s you have lived a bit and had a few relationships. After 2 years of being a couple you should have a good idea of where things are going.
You have been living with this man a year. You have had to deal with a few hard times. You seem to have bought a house together and have been doing it up.
In your situation I don't think your being unreasonable in mentioning getting married.

Your boyfriend is also in his early 30s and you been a couple for 2 years.
What else does he want to do now?
That's ok when your in your 20's but in your early 30's it's time to decide where a 2 year relationship is going and if marriage and kids are what you want.

You said he was like a deer in the headlights when you mentioned this and then brushed you off with a washy answer. Is it a case that you good enough for the moment or does he think he can do better?

The reality is that your in your early 30's and you don't have years to wait for him to grow up.
I tell him at this stage that due to your age that you want to get married before you try for a baby. You not asking him to marry you but your letting him know what you want.
I give him till the end of Feb 2023 to be seriously talking about marriage or to propose to you. If he does not do it by then I tell him it's over and either then try to buy him out of the house or sell it.

I know a lot of women who want to be married before having kids. They want the legal rights a marriage brings for them and possible a child or children.
I know a woman who ended a long relationship because he would not marry her. She found another man, they got married and have 2 kids. I also know a man who told his partner that he was not interested in getting married or having kids. It ended their relationship and she is now married with kids.

Don't waste time with a man who won't marry you especially if you want kid's.

Some people just know within a few months, some take a while to be sure. Two years is borderline, there seem to be a lot of relationships get to three years and founder so I'd leave it a while longer, have some normal non-covid relaxed times together and see how you feel in 2024.

What is his attitude to marriage generally and what does he see as your future even of you don't marry. Plenty of people never marry their partners( not getting into the children and security issue) After 2 years he should know if he wants to commit to you or not but he may not want to marry. If he just sees that you are having a good time now and isn't thinking about the future you need to decide if that's OK with you .

This is good advice.

I don't know what he thinks another few years is going to change, and it doesn't really matter, because at this moment in time he doesn't want to marry you. That's the long and short of it. He doesn't want to marry you.

I will go against the grain here and say that after being together for two years and living together for one he should know by now if he wants to marry you or not.

I agree. It’s important if you want children. If you give him another two years and he still won’t commit, you’ll be mid-30s and faced with finding someone else or having a child by yourself. If he can’t see that, his selfishness would be a red flag to me.

Some people just don't want to get married it doesn't mean they don't love you, some people think it's a piece of paper and a waste of money. X

Agree with PPs, a man in his 30s must have some inkling of where he envisages his life going (and if he really doesn't, that's a red flag in itself).

If you want children then it's not at all unreasonable to have that conversation after 2 years, and his panic about it would concern me, in your shoes.

We were the other end of our 30s to you but DH and I were engaged after 18 months and married a year later. We'd both seen enough water go under the bridge to know what we did and didn't want, and that we didn't want to waste any more time.

We're now doing all the stuff we wanted to do and experience together, we're just doing it married.

I’m baffled by this. What more are you going to find out after two years? Those of you who say it’s early - what surprising revelations are coming after two years?

I got engaged after nine months and married nine months later. 25 years on we’re still happily together. When you know, you know.

We did wait seven years to have children because we had some ‘living’ to do.

And, OP, if he doesn’t feel like marrying you, he doesn't feel enough for you.

I think you tell more about how someone feels and how committed they are by what they do day in, day out, then by high days and holidays and somewhat ‘box ticking’ exercises like marriage. I’m at the extreme end of not seeing the point of marriage unless a) you have kids or b) you would stand to lose assets via inheritance tax, but would say maybe you don’t need to focus so much on marriage in and of itself. The kids thing is much more the issue. If he agrees he wants children (with you) then you can get a timeline together and then you can talk marriage. I agree with PPs that you can’t let him be too relaxed just because his biological clock has a bit more time.

Excellent advice.

Have you discussed having kids yet? If you want children then I’d drop it casually into conversation that oh in the future I can definitely see myself having kids at some point and see what his reaction is……

i think men can freak out a bit when it comes to settling down. You’re half way there with the house etc so I’d say he probably wants to marry you but just hasn’t thought it all out in his head.

I would give it six months and have the conversation again. If he’s still vague it’s probably ultimatum time because if you do want kids in your 30s then the clock has begun ticking and you haven’t got time to waste!

I do disagree that he doesn't see his forever with you, though. maybe marriage just isn't important to him? Many people make a life together without marriage

What on earth else does he want to experience? I call BS. This guy doesn’t want to marry you op. It’s up to you if this is a dealbreaker. If you want kids, it should be. I hope you jointly own your house..

I understand what you're saying. You're in your early 30s. If you want to be married before you have kids, then you don't have loads of time for "maybe in a few years."

Ok... So say you're 32 now, and then "in a few years" you're 35. What if he still isn't sure? What if he doesn't want to get married then? Then you're left at mid 30s having to start from scratch.

And say he does propose and you get married mid 30s, you're going to have a baby around 36/37. Doesn't leave a lot of room for fertility issues or thinking about having more than 1 baby.

I think that as this was the first time you've discussed marriage, it's reasonable that he was a bit taken aback. However, now is the time to make it clear that "perhaps in the next couple of years" isn't good enough for you. Maybe six months would be a reasonable compromise - to give him a bit longer to think about it, but prevent you from wasting your time on someone who's not sure?

I think he sounds like a good sensible guy. If anyone mentioned marriage to me begore 3 years, it would make me go quiet. Personally, I think 2 years is still a new relationship & nothing wrong with wanting to do more stuff/let time pass a bit to build stronger foundations.

The right time isn't about how long you've known each other, it's about how committed you both are.

It's a silly notion that there is a set amount of time to know someone. I've been married 27 years and my DH and I have had hard times and good times which is where you continually find out more about each other and yourself, but I really still don't think I totally know him.
But I do think he's totally committed to me and to figuring it out as we go.

If after 2 years you don't think you're going to get married or make a commitment then what is the purpose of the relationship?
Surely most relationships are test grounds for commitment and they end when there is obviously not going to be commitment.

Or all relationships are temporary, based around only whether they are currently pleasant and you keep moving on when it no longer gives you what you want.
If he's in this frame of mind you need to know.

What exactly is he not sure about after 2 years? After 4 years there are no guarantees. Or does he have doubts about you? Or does he want to keep his options open?

For me after 2 years I'd want to know what the relationship was based on.
Especially if I was a 30 year old woman.

State what you want. Ask for clarity. Really consider what he tells you both in what he says and how he acts, then do what is right for you.
Don't hang around accepting less than you want, allowing him to waste your time.

Is he a person who needs a bit of a heads up to discuss things?
My husband is like that.
If I 'ambush' him with a discussion he is hopeless - like a deer in the headlights. Even if it's just weekend plans or something simple!
So to accommodate this I have adopted the habit of giving him a heads up. I message him earlier in the day to say 'we need to make a decision about X. Can we discuss after dinner?' and then I get my discussion and decision with his input, and he is useful and ready to discuss. Just a thought.