My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

I understand your worries, I really do, but it isn't grief you're feeling.

You're not the OP. It's not for others to tell how how she feels or doesn't feel. She alone knows, and is well able to articulate that for herself.

Never heard of 'Social contagion' before today, but when I said 'Fad' -erroneously- I meant the spreading of actions and trends.

For good and ill.

I didn't ever say 'becoming vegetarian' was 'worrying', but used it to illustrate the fact that lots of us became vegetarian overnight, after the Popular girl announced she was now a Vegetarian..It was an ''influenced trend''.

@Malahaha it is possible to respect others even when they are not a part of the conversation. The truth is that currently the OP's child identifies as male. Whilst I am aware that alot of people on mumsnet are very trans phobic, I fail to see how being respectful of someone's wishes - regardless of whether or not they are aware of that - is a problem.

The thing is it does not hurt you in any way what so ever to use the preferred pro-nouns, it may however hurt the person who's wishes are being ignored if were to find out.

I have a friend who changed her first name to reject a period of her life - her mother took it as a rejection of the family (it wasn't).

Many years later she changed back to her original name. It reflected a process that she went through. Her mother was devastated and, iirc, had died before the name change back.

It's painful but not entirely uncommon.

Seeing as the OP stated that her child has come out as a trans boy, and that she was using birth pronouns, it is safe to assume that they either wish to use he/him pronouns OR they/them

Agreed, furthermore it’s her son, not daughter, now.

Social contagion is real. I remember a big friendship group when I was at school...every single one of them was self harming. Now I know self harm is a very real problem and many do suffer from it...but even as a teenager observing them, I felt like there was an element of group think and behaviour.

Surely most of us go through an awkward phase in our adolescence were we don’t feel quite “right” , we are trying to figure out who we are and what our place in the world is.

The recent trend of wanting to label everyone and then affirmation of what that label is at all costs is unhelpful and dangerous.

We need to teach our children and young adults to accept the bodies they were born in.

Seeing as the OP stated that her child has come out as a trans boy, and that she was using birth pronouns, it is safe to assume that they either wish to use he/him pronouns OR they/them. It is not about not hurting someone's feelings it is about being respectful. I don't how some people here were brought up, but I was brought up to be respectful to others regardless of whether or not they are reading/hearing what is said about them. hmm.

I was brought up to be respectful TO other people. As far as I know, the OPs dc is not part of this conversation, so no need to be respectful TO her.

I was also taught to be truthful. The child's sex is female, so it is truthful to use the according pronouns when speaking ABOUT her while she is not present. That's the difference.

Truth is as important to me as respect. We know she is a girl, so no need to lie about it here, lie to ourselves. The OP knows she has a daughter, and so do we.

“Even if she de transitions”

If she was serious, truly believed, then this wouldn’t even occur to her.

I would be much much more worried re whether she’s just got caught up in the issue and this is just a phase.

Social contagion is much better.

Anorexia spread like wildfire {as did dramatic suicide attempts} in a place I lived as a teenager.
Girls frantically competing as to whom could be the thinnest, who could be on the most restricted diet. and hog the shared bathrooms for cold baths to ''burn calories'' It was indeed a type of Social contagion.

A very intense 'friendship group' with lots of dramas and fallings out.

It isn't easy being a teenager.

Posted too soon sorry, there might be a boys name or an androginous name that they might be more comfortable with and they might be happy to have your input on that.

PS OP you sound like a wonderful mother, and if this ever happens with one of my children, I hope I’ll be as supportive as you are.

Seeing as the OP stated that her child has come out as a trans boy, and that she was using birth pronouns, it is safe to assume that they either wish to use he/him pronouns OR they/them. It is not about not hurting someone's feelings it is about being respectful. I don't how some people here were brought up, but I was brought up to be respectful to others regardless of whether or not they are reading/hearing what is said about them. .

OP yanbu to grieve the name and daughter you have 'lost' - as long as you are being supportive and loving towards your child and not ignoring their wishes. However, it is not your life to live and your child cannot hide who they are just to make others comfortable because that will only make them miserable. They do sound quite young, and not entirely certain of their identity yet which is fine, give them the freedom to explore their identity and find out for themselves. It may be that they are non-binary and so don't feel completley comfortable as a man or a woman, or just that they don't feel that they fit in with what society expects of their gender. Only they know how they are feeling inside and it can be a very lonely, scary thing to feel so confused. They will always be your child though and all you can do is love and support them. I think most parents of trans-gender children do feel a certain sense of loss, but try to think of it as gaining a son. Is there a male equivalent of the name you had chosen? Or do you have a particular boys name that you like

If she now wants to be a he then im afraid a feminine name won't do. It would be a big wrench when an Amanda wants to be a Bob. But i think that's the issue...you are grieving your dd becoming a son. You want to love and support him/ her unconditionally but are gutted at the same time. Yanbu to feel all mixed up about this.

You aren't grieving. Believe me you aren't

You haven't lost anything, you have raised a child who loves you, feels confident talking to you about tough subjects, is able to articulate their wishes to you feeling confident they will be accepted.

You gave your child their name, they have now decided it doesn't suit them. Would you 'grieve' if your child dyed their hair? Or got a tattoo?

I have a transgender child. I understand your worries, I really do, but it isn't grief you're feeling. With all due respect you're making this about you, when it really isn't, the things that you have given your child that mean something in reality are still there, morals, values, honesty and love. A name means nothing compared to your childs comfort.

At 15 she my grow out of it, so many are doing this at the moment, it's almost like a fashion.

I do feel for you OP, but still voted YABU. The name might be lovely to you, but it isn't your name, and if your DD feels "it's just not her" and she would be happier being called something else then it's her decision to make.

Gosh that must be so hard to deal with. You sound like a lovely supportive mum - I'm not sure I'd be so tolerant! An entire peer group deciding they're "trans" is bonkers. All you can do is continue to support her and hope by the time she matures and peer pressure eases she'll see it all for what it is. YANBU to feel sad about her name but honestly that would be the very least of my worries.

Very understandable. Her name signifies to you her whole being, her childhood and her personality, which you love. I'm sure it feels like everything you know and love is going to change to the unknown. Children grow into their names and it does signify who they are.

I hate my name, I wish I'd changed it years ago.
I've had to live with my mother's choice for 50 years.

I shortened it but I wish I'd had the balls to change it legally.

For those arguing over pronoun usage, go to one of the zillion other threads about exactly that.

Not up to you who posts on this thread or what they post.

It’s a phase and all her friends are doing it, smile and nod. It’s funny how there wasn’t a single person in my year or indeed entire school who switched genders, my husband is a high school teacher and he finds it hard to keep up with who is chopping and changing going by different names etc, there’s so many.

There’s a vv small proportion of kids who will eventually change genders I’m sure but I just group it in with the goth phase. The weird kids who wanted to be different wore black and pierced their faces when I was at school/college, now they just switch genders. I’m sure she’ll come out the other side don’t stress.

My 8yo decided two years ago or more that she wanted to be known as a different name. She wants to do it at school and legally but I've told her she's too young yet. However, we do our best to use her new name and friends and family know it. I don't know if it will stick, she's very determined. But much as I'm sorry she doesn't like her original name, it's her choice. She's the one that's living with it. You just have to let them get on with it.