My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

Some of us can surely remember the 'Hunt the identity' we went through as Teenagers.
it is a time in which we are quite malleable.

Gosh yes, definitely. But amongst myself and my peers it was about appearance/style/which 'gang' you were in. In my school you were a swot, a trendy, a goth, or a sporty. Heavily influenced by music choices. I honestly don't recall sexuality featuring anywhere.

I have the same age dd wanting to transition and has registered a male name at college and I feel sad as I think she's so confused but I will stand back and wait and see

The truth is that currently the OP's child identifies as male.

@CarrotCakeCrumbs Genuine question: can you please explain what that means? How can you identify as something, rather than identifying something?

Surely something is either male or female (or both if it's a plant) and in mamals this is usually easy to identify?

'Social influencing' ??

Some of us can surely remember the 'Hunt the identity' we went through as Teenagers.
it is a time in which we are quite malleable.

I can't get over that her whole peer group have all announced they are male - that is so bizarre and worrying.

We had a large cluster of ROGD in our school- all girls, mostly friendship driven. I know many schools never get this but in the last 5 years I've heard of several schools (through fellow teachers) which have clusters.

Assuming the NC isn't yet legal, I really would just wait and see. Be as supportive as you can while keeping her grounded in reality and make sure you have systems in place to prevent any potential harm online.

Social contagion is real.

There has been a 4000% increase in the number of girls referred to GIDS saying they identify as boys. This government promised an inquiry into it, but there has nothing so far. Maybe they feel it would spoil their chances of re-election.

And I didn't realise how common it was.

oakleaffy thank you. I wasn't familiar with the term. Thank you for explaining.

The thing is it does not hurt you in any way what so ever to use the preferred pro-nouns
Lying hurts me, it's a sin in fact imo.
I would still do it if it was my child involved as I wouldn't want to hurt them, but it absolutely would hurt me to do it.

It sounds very much like your child's name is probably very girly or perhaps twee, nothing wrong with that at all, but if they're feeling it represents a person which they feel they aren't, then they've every right to change it. My eldest has a unisex name and I'm super grateful because whilst she doesn't want to be a boy, she rejects anything typically female. My youngest has a name you would never give a boy in a million months of sundays. But she's very happy in her body and very feminine. It has made me think, how sensible it is to make sure one of the names we give our children is one which isn't too out there, or is also unisex... My youngest has a middle name which is unisex and I'm grateful now because if she decided (doubtful) that she wasn't identifying as female anymore, she could just go by the middle name of the wanted. Same reason my nephews have very normal middle names - in case they grow up and don't like their slightly hippy sounding first names.

I don't think I could get worked up if either child changed their name by deedpole if that was really what they wanted. But I did it as a 19 year old and I wish I had gone through a solicitor instead because I used a website, none of my paperwork matched up a few years ago when I tried to get passports for my children.

You are not unreasonable to feel sad OP. You with thought & love chose a name for them and of course it hurts that that name (at the moment at least) has been rejected.

However it is their life & if they feel that their given name just isn’t them then I can understand them wanting to change it

They’re not rejecting you even though it must feel like it xxx

Maybe saying that she is a boy is a way of her trying to get some control, and changing her name will give her that and will make it easier for her to accept that she is a girl. It's a small price to pay.

A name change its the lesser of two 'evils' (not that any of the two issues are literally that, just how the saying goes). If you only have to worry about a name change, rather than physical and irreversible change.
I would be grateful, but I also understand how hard it is as so many memories of your motherhood experience will be tied to the name you chose.

The advice about talking and asking if it can be kept as a middle name is a good compromise.

How old is she?
I would express disappointment but don't make too much of a big deal of it. There won't be anything legally she can do until she is 18 I don't think but you can't stop her asking to be known as something else (though I suppose school might not be too keen lest everyone start doing the same).
I know at least two people who experimented with different names in their teens and said they were going to change it legally etc. They never did and eventually went back to their given names.

I hope my questions don't come across as disrespectful in any way, that isn't my intention.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story).

Wait, she and all her friends have come out as trans boys?
Are you sure she's not doing this because all her friends are?
Sorry I don't mean this to sound flippant but this just jumped out at me....

My DD has changed their name a couple of times now. First time was to a different girls name, 2nd time they “came out” as non binary so now have a boys name.
First time it hurt. It felt like a rejection of her whole childhood. I didn’t give a negative reaction and tried to be as supportive as I possibly could. I apologised if I called them the wrong name. Now I need to keep track of using the correct pronouns which is difficult especially when we are talking about the past when they were a girl.
It’s challenging but you’ll get through it. Your child is on their own journey and any objections you have probably won’t be heard.

OP, I see where you're coming from, but I think that, in addition to the Gibran poem, it's important to remember that your DC's experience of their name will be different from yours.

To you, the name is something positive that you feel very passionately about, but your DC clearly has different associations and for whatever reasons, she doesn't share your view.

It's completely normal for parents and children to have different tastes, needs, desires, associations and experiences, so while I understand it's disappointing that something that was so beloved by you has been rejected by your DC, it's a natural part of parenting that this should happen in one form or another.

It's perhaps less common that people change their names, but often these kinds of issues arise about parents' interests, career aspirations, etc - it happens all the time and DC coming of age and breaking free of their parents' expectations for them has always been a common theme in literature and movies.

It stands to reason that if your DC has been pondering their outward identity and how that squares with their own self-perception, and have realised both (1) the significance of one's name as a part of one's identity and (2) that names and other signifiers of outward identities can easily be changed to anything the bearer wants, they would come to consider whether they feel their birth name is genuinely the one they want to stick with.

My DD doesn't like her name and, as a child, wanted to change it because of her negative experiences of that name. At the time she was too young to decide for herself but was happy to go by an unexpected contraction and felt that was more 'her' (think Victoria to Tori rather than Vicky, but not that actual name). I still love the name but I can absolutely see where she's coming from. She's a teen now and she hasn't mentioned changing it for several years, but because we went through this when she was younger, I've had time to make my peace with her possible future name change.

My DD is the one who'd have to live with the name and her being a daughter to me is only a tiny sliver of who she is as a whole person.

It will take time, but you'll get over it, honestly!

Your reaction to this name change (superficially supportive, acknowledgement it’s her life, her identity etc...) might be all that she needs to feel some control of her life and identity. It might just be enough to stand proud amongst her peers and step off a conveyor belt of pressure, confusion, defiance, frustration that might lead her onto a double mastectomy, hormones etc... The pressure teenage girls are under in these fucked up days of identity politics is horrific. Swallow your feelings on the name issue. Acknowledge her feelings. And hope and pray it ends there and she can go on loving her life, developing her identity and finding out what it means to be a woman in this world instead of pressing the eject button.

My brother changed his name - his first name was not an excellent name. It did take my DM about a year to get it right first time. I often feel my name isn't 'really very me'.

There are cultures where people get new names at coming of age ceremonies. And the name means a lot to you but your DC didn't choose it.

So I'd try to find a way to be supportive that they've found a name they want. On the trans issue I'd try to counsel against anything permanent e.g. hormones, surgery etc just keep the communication lines open

@CarrotCakeCrumbs I am not transphobic. I just do not believe that it is possible to change sex, and I don't believe in gender as a thing. I can respect a person who is not present by caring about their well-being, and I do care, very much about OPs' DC, and respect her, as I respect all children and wish them all the best.

If I were speaking to her, I would address her as you. If I am speaking *of" her, and she is present, I would probably use the pronouns she desires. If she is not present, I feel most respect for her by not pandering to her false idea that she is a boy. Because she isn't. That, to me, is respect. It seems that OP feels the same way, and I would like to respect OPs decision.

This is not transphobia, which means "fear of" transpeople. I do not fear them. I simply do not believe in gender as a distinct identity, or that one can change sex, and that opinion is valid.

It may be that they are non-binary and so don't feel completley comfortable as a man or a woman, or just that they don't feel that they fit in with what society expects of their gender.

It doesn't help the OP, but this would be the common human experience.

but try to think of it as gaining a son.

I think that is silly. The OP cannot 'gain a son' unless you are talking about sexist sterotypes.

HOWEVER, all children become adults and fundamentally that means they can make their own choices. I think it is very reasonable to feel hurt and rejected OP, but many children reject things that are important to their parents while maintaining a close relationship. Be proud of the fact that it sounds as though your relationship can withstand this.

Carrotcakecrumbs- how about being kind to and respecting the wishes of the person who started the thread, the person who started the conversation and is asking for support instead of pushing your your agenda in such a self centred way?