My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

We spend so much time choosing the perfect name. Then use it again and again and again. It would be really hard for me if my dd chose a different name, regardless of the circumstances.

“ I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

@LoeliaPonsonby 100% agree. I would really struggle to ‘accept’ a child’s ‘new gender’ which coincidentally is the same new gender as all her friends And they definitely are boys now . What a load of twaddle

@LonginesPrime
“ Having grown up with a controlling mother, it was exactly this kind of dismissal of my feelings and the exertion of coercive control over my life (throughout childhood and in various different forms in adulthood) that led me to eventually assert my own boundaries and walk away from her.”

So what you’re saying is that parents should just assuage to whatever their teenage children say .
Yes great idea for parenting

It will hurt at the moment as you said you are grieving , you are entitled to your feelings but remember your child is still alive and kicking and need each other now more than ever , its a life changing transition and i feel you will need counselling good luck to both of you.

There's a big difference between dismissing all of your child's feelings and not affirming everything they think they want

Yes, I agree.

There's a big difference between dismissing all of your child's feelings and not affirming everything they think they want, irrespective of whether it's physically possible or good for them in the long run.
There's a reason why adults are in charge and make decisions for their DC, while they are still young and their brains are still developing.

I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

Having grown up with a controlling mother, it was exactly this kind of dismissal of my feelings and the exertion of coercive control over my life (throughout childhood and in various different forms in adulthood) that led me to eventually assert my own boundaries and walk away from her.

OP, they probably don’t feel like they’ve got any control over their life at the moment, and the name is one you picked for them, so their picking a new name is just a way to feel they have control over their identity. It isn’t anything against you. Explain why you chose the name and ask if they could keep it as a middle name.

“ Ido wish people would not say that the OP has a son now and not a daughter. She doesn't. Her child is a biological female”

Exactly. Some people can’t wait to jump on a bandwagon , fuck how damaging it may be .

The mass transitioning thing is terrifying.

The thing is, even without the transition issue, sometimes people don't like their names and change them. When you have a child you have to accept that they are an individual with their own hopes, ideas and thoughts.

My mother hates that everyone uses my nickname, but it is how I introduce myself. There was a party and she kept correcting everyone who didn't use my full name until I lost my temper and told her they were all respecting my wishes, while she wasn't.

Tied into all this is probably the grief you have over the transition too and the idea of the life you thought lay ahead for your child. Give yourself time and space to deal with it

The transition aside, names are such personal things... i think a lot of people gain 'nicknames' as they get older, that essentially become their actual name.

I don't like my name, its not 'me' and use a nickname which pretty much everyone outside my family uses.. i won't change it legally, as its bit of an unusual one (and not very profession tbh, lol) but its 'who' i am in my friendship groups and social circle.

While i know the name is important to you, your child has the right to name themselves whatever they wish to be known as, and you need to grieve and let it go, and embrace the child you have, not the one you imagined.

YABU.
You chose a name that you hoped she would like , and she doesn't.
You just have to accept that she doesn't like it for whatever reason, and now she wants to pick a name that she feels suits her.
This is why I never took part in agonising over my kids' names, reading baby name books, or any of that malarkey. Their dad and I decided on the first names we both liked that didn't have any bad associations or that might have lead to bullying, and that was that. There was no emotional investment on our part, they were told they could change their names if they wanted to (none of them have).

Ditto. Firmly, but lovingly, tell them the truth.

Could she have a male nickname without the fuss of doing it legally.

@LoeliaPonsonby

I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

Couldn’t agree more

My youngest DC identifies as non-binary and uses a name that is equally used by males and females.

They no longer use the very lovely (but unmistakeably gendered) birth name I gave them. I miss that, but the new name is fine.

Wait, she and all her friends have come out as trans boys?
Are you sure she's not doing this because all her friends are?

It's statistically proven that this is what happens.

I do wish people would not say that the OP has a son now and not a daughter. She doesn't. Her child is a biological female. Moreover, she is child who is currently very confused and who may or may not transition in the future. Nothing is set at this point. If, as an adult, she does transition, the OP will likely refer to her child as 'he' because that's a social nicety. But the fact remains that the OP has a daughter.
You cannot change sex like it's a pair of shoes.

I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

Adults have the benefit of knowing what will pass, and that you’ve got the rest of your (adult, mature) life to fiddle about with things. I can’t help but feel that this constant affirmation of children whenever they want to change diet/religion/gender identity is just another way of reaffirming that there was something wrong with their original state. They need boundaries (we all do!).

Massive alarm bells rang at the fact all her mates suddenly want to be trans. It’s a nonsense and needs to be nipped in the bud, if for no other reason that if there are serious issues to be addressed, then an en masse “transitioning” isn’t going to help anything.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story)

The change of name is the LEAST worrying thing here

Not RTFT but the fact she’s said “If I detransition” shows what a mess this whole thing is and how teenage minds are being manipulated

My apologies, I meant gender

What is driving this trend?
It does seem to be a 'recent' phenomenon.

I asked a mother about how her little boy was...To be told..'I no longer have a little boy'..
My heart sank...I thought some ghastly accident had befallen him..then to my relief, she said ''I have two daughters now''

Her little boy had decided he wanted to be a girl..
He was 4 yrs old at the time.

He chose a female name for himself, and his mum threw out all his boy's clothes.

Wether her DC will remain as a girl remains to be seen...At least if no hormones are given, it will be easy to revert back to a boy.

Hormones and surgery make that far more tricky, obviously.