My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

You sound like a lovely parent. How interesting that the chosen name is a name you'd have chosen for another child! That must soften the blow a bit for you.

Absolutely not unreasonable to feel sad. I can imagine how destabilising the whole thing must feel. Motherhood is painful. I have a friend who has transitioned and changed their name and the change is really important to them but a site of conflict with already quite estranged parents. The more the parents push against it the worse the situation seems to get.
I'm reminded of this poem which might help or might not.

On Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

 You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
 For they have their own thoughts.
 You may house their bodies but not their souls,
 For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
 You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
 For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
 You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
 The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
 Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
 For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Kahlil Gibran

I was a very much wanted child. I was an only child of an only child, so few other children around in the family. My mum's mum had died not long before, She chose my name - a special one for her - and told me about it, thinking I would feel special. I didn't. It felt like a box she had put me in, having decided who I would be. She made it very very clear that she never wanted it shortened or lengthened either.

I changed it. And she never accepted it. And that made me feel sad, as I felt that she never really wanted to know me. We weren't close. I wasn't the person she wanted me to be, the image she had in her head. She rarely asked questions of me, or discovered what I thought/liked/felt. She often told me what she thought/felt/liked and was always slightly puzzled and hurt if I wanted something different.

I loved her, but I felt that she had shut herself off from me, by only seeing me through her needs/preferences and she missed out on so much. When I had children, her go to sentence was always "Oh, aren't you going to do . . . . x, y or z" rather than "Goodness, that's fantastic, I love a, b, or c."

Please don't miss out on a special relationship with your daughter. Tell her that she will always remember her original name, that she was a lovely baby/child and is much loved, but that you are looking forward to getting to know the new her too.

I can totally understand your sadness over this. YANBU.

I can't get over that her whole peer group have all announced they are male - that is so bizarre and worrying.

It demonstrates a current trend and further makes me doubt the rise in gender fluid, non-binary young people.

A name is just a label really, so we can all keep track of each other. I enjoyed choosing my dc names but I wouldn't mind if they wanted to change them. I do that Mum thing of calling them by my sisters names/dogs/brothers/husband's name before my useless memory retrieves the right one anyway!

I understand, a name is such a personal thing, but it is something you chose... for them. It's now theirs. I have a friend who I discovered after about a year that her name wasn't her 'real' name (not trans or anything), she just went by a totally different name that she preferred. I don't know how her parents felt but I think she changed it in late teens so perhaps a bit different as she'd 'grown up' by then so was not the little girl any more in a lot of ways (not in a dodgy Daily Mail way!)

I’m so sorry and I hope your daughter remains your daughter. This must be crushing.

''A rose is just as sweet by any other name''

The fact that it does seem that changing ones gender seems incredibly common these days.

I wanted desperately to be a boy as a kid - they just seemed to have a whole lot more fun, I wanted a willy, too! {at age 6}

But it was just a phase. Nowadays, my parents might have taken it seriously.. but they thought nothing of it...made zero fuss, just forced me into ''Nice dresses'' on important family occasions
Yuck!
Don't worry too much, Op.

You are not unreasonable at all to feel upset, if this was such a special name to you. But if your DD is having lots of identity issues try and not feel like it is a rejection of your choice of name. Try and celebrate your DD choosing a new name she is happy with and starting a new chapter. Self discovery is really hard and as parents we just need to help them along the way. Btw I think in the future more and more people will change their birth names.

I can understand why you’d feel that way, OP, but that isn’t how she meant it.

Another poster who knows the OP’s DC personally? Who’d have thought it?

This sounds very hard. There are some good resources online for parents in your situation, which you may already be aware of. 4th Wave Now is a US site but they are very good and link to UK sites. Or post on the feminism threads to connect with other mums who have been/are going through similar.

Re. the name, I would just wait it out. She might decide to change her name or she might let it go but I suspect if you focus on it, it will push her further towards a change. It's good she is talking about detransitioning. I wish you lots of luck.

I ticked YABU but not because I don’t sympathise. Of course she is free to change her name, and it may be part of a further experiment.

I would like to change my name. It’s nothing personal against my Mum and Dad, I know they chose a name they loved, was great in its day, and they wanted the best for me. But it’s my name first and foremost.

I probably won’t get round to it though.

Your DD sounds very caught up in the Trans craze. Don’t pressure her again it, teens are more likely to adopt even more if the identity to prove to themselves that they are right rather than succumb to parental influence.

She is not being unreasonable to change it – it’s her name and her life.

You are not being unreasonable to feel sad and mournful about that.

It doesn’t surprise me really that so many girls are identifying as boys. It seems like the next step on from when I was a teenager of feeling like you are ‘one of the lads’ and not identifying with the females you see portrayed and hear talked about.

So often
Male = subject, female = object

So everyone is encouraged to identify as a male to some extent.

Anyway, I sympathise OP but you were right not to tell her how you feel.

Not going to comment on the trans thing but I think generally teens nowadays are more self obsessed than previous generations...constantly thinking about themselves and their identity and who they are. It's pretty tedious. I'm convinced that it was better in previous decades when they had to work from a young age, earn a living and keep busy. I mean i doubt teenagers in refugee camps, young carers, teen parents etc have much head space to analyse their given name. It's quite indulgent.

I think anyone would feel this, you can't feel guilty for feeling so blindsided by this. As pp suggested. Give it time. I am sorry op, I know I would feel the same as you

I know its upsetting but it's her identity and hers to do with as she sees fit. I never use my legal name (I use a shortened form)

I voted yanbu. Emotions can't be chosen or helped - they just are. It feels like a rejection of you if your child doesn't want the name you carefully chose for them. I'd be gutted as well.
I'd be inclined to try and get my child away from this particular cohort of kids, in the hope of nipping this trans nonsense in the bud. People who are truly trans don't do it because their friends are - I'd want her away from this influence before it leads to real damage.

I can understand why you’d feel that way, OP, but that isn’t how she meant it.

I changed my name at 21 to one that felt more “me” and my father had done the same. Sometimes the person we grow into doesn’t fit the image people picture when they hear our names.

She’s not rejecting you, she’s claiming herself.

Just keep loving your child. Call the child by the name they have chosen. Be there to listen and reassure them your love won't evaporate because of anything they do.

Remember 90% of dysphoric teens come out the other side content and adjusted to their sex. Try to counsel delay on any drugs or surgery it may be impossible to go back from. Don't say no, say wait and be sure.

The peer influence is strong with clusters like this and if one child pulls out, the whole group can lose momentum.

This is so scary and you need to be so strong! Sending you strength to support your child's journey through this confusing time.

Does the rejection of the name feel like a rejection of you and what you've offered them?

If it's a particularly girly name, then perhaps it increases their alienation. Have they picked a neutral name for themselves or is it very masculine?

I think YANBU to feel sad, it sounds like your family has had a difficult time.
The significance of the name is different for you and your child. For her maybe it represents still something she wants to change even if her dysphoria is resolving.
Try not to take it personally.