My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

Zombie

I think what you're feeling is natural. Just support your young person as they find themselves. I would not express these feelings to them though

@Maz2302 please don’t resurrect zombie threads from 6 years ago. There is a sign on these warning you how old they are

My daughter changed her first forename and middle name and surname to a name with no connection to our family

Oh, I realise this is an old thread. Had just read the OP's posts. Ooops.

YANBU.

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds difficult.

My DD changes her 'name she would like to be called' pretty much fortnightly, but I can imagine it would be really hard if you were attached to one special name.

In the end, it's her choice, though. She may come round to it again, of course. Teenagerhood is exactly when we question everything about ourselves and play with reconstructing ourselves.

Could you use the name for something else - would that help? So it's not 'lost'? It sounds like the name is very meaningful for you. What is it about it that you love and don't want to lose?

Bravo @ElephantsAlltheWayDown for taking time to reflect on your own feelings, to see them, to name them, to recognise them and in all that self care, for continuing to centre the relationship between you and your child. It is possible to do both!! Accept our children for who they are while at the same time accepting the feelings that we have. In the way people say you can never truly love anyone else until you can learn to love yourself, you can never fully support others in their feelings until you know how to identify and understand your own.

I know what you mean op, my dc is about to do exactly the same, I think the feelings of the daughter you are losing are tied up with the name. I am just concentrating on the lovely son I am gaining and trying to help them through best I can.
It is hard and you are allowed to have feelings about it too - have you spoken to your dc about it?

I know a good amount of people who use names other than their legal one, for some it's middle names, others it's something else they've chosen. One friend I'd known for years before I found out his name wasn't his legal name, it was only that we happened to be travelling together and the tickets were in his legal name. Another friend changed hers to the shortened version of her original full name because she preferred it and had lots of negative feelings attached to her original name (think like Elizabeth to Beth).

I voted YANBU. I’m not talking about your situation but in my family/culture there are names that are chosen not only by parents but also grandparents and have specific meanings and tell the story of that child’s birth so I’d be really sad to see them rejected by my children.

And it might be a Zombie thread but clearly name changing is not totally unique and causes lots of feelings.

I may be the odd one out, but I find it odd that we give children names at birth with the expectation it's for the duration of their life before we've found out who they are, before they establish a personality.

There are many decisions in life that are made/imposed on us before we have the capacity to decide four ourselves (name, religion, etc.). It would be nice to have the opportunity to reaffirm these to society with free choice, say at 18 or 21.

FWIW, more people now know me by a name I've chosen myself for social media rather than the one I was given or that appears on my passport.

In the scale of all the things facing her (and you) in her trans-or-not future, the name change is a tiny insignificant speck.

It's not just trans parents who face a name change. Imagine how all parents feel when the daughter they've loved for decades, marries and dumps their surname, home, lifestyle for someone elses.

Maybe it interests them and once it is restarted they join in. It isn't exactly ancient, it was started less than 10 months ago. The OP might still be struggling and appreciate fresh thoughts.

Why do people keep posting on them without out least reading a few of the previous posts which clearly sate ZOMBIE THREAD

Because their opinion is so valuable that reading anyone else's first is a waste of time. They must immediately furnish us, and OP, with their wise thoughts.

So they just read the OP and immediately reply, then move to the next thread that's desperately awaiting their input?

Not quite the same but I was always known by a shortening of my name, when I was 11 and going to senior school I said I wanted to be known as a different shortening of my name. I actually cringe, even now nearly 60 years later, if someone uses the shortening I had as a child. I think it is funny if people use my proper name as it is so rare but that "baby" name that a little girl had many years ago - that's not me.

Oh, my apologies for replying on this, just realised it's a zombie thread, why do people keep resurrecting ancient threads!!

I cant believe there are actually people so self centered they would rather their children be miserable in their own indentity to spare their entitled feelings on something that not about them.

You also only have to use name website to see how selfish some people are when choosing name, yes everyone has to use a level of guesswork and could get it wrong but most try to be rounded in logic but some people deliberately dont care how their children might feel some day and argue to the death that only there own opinion matters.

for you @ElephantsAlltheWayDown, we've been in much the same boat. I too have been unerringly positive, upbeat and supportive of DC, but my goodness the name thing really smarts. Especially transitioning back, but still not wanting their name. I don't know why it hurts, it should be such a tiny, unimportant thing, but it really does So no, I don't think YABU at all.

The name choosing process is a pretty special part of the deal when you're expecting a baby. Totally understand your hurt OP. Not unreasonable at all. Some of us seem to 'feel stuff' more, and that's ok.

You can hold the memories of your child as they were under their first name in your heart in the same way that we all hold our children, you have not lost anything. Their name now belongs to them alone.

Oh bless you, i understand its an emotive thing, choosing that name when your child is born. I can imagine its hard and I would feel the same.

Seems being trans is a bit trendy atm for young people?

Rejecting your given name is like rejecting a gift. It’s awful imo. My name is terrible and I hate it but I’d never dream of changing it because it would hurt my mother.

What's with resurrecting all these bloody Zombie threads?!

Why do people do it?