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Original poster

Feeling like an awful parent for thinking about a residential school for Sen child

57 replies

DICarter1 · 04/01/2020 19:05

Ive got three kids (11, 10 and 7). Our 10 and 7 year old have autism and adhd. The youngest is also non verbal and has an autoimmune disease.

I’ve been a carer for 10 years as we realised the kids wouldn’t cope in nursery ft or even pt. I’m exhausted. My parents are elderly so do help by taking the older two out but the youngest is incredibly hyperactivity. He climbs on Windows, jumps on beds, runs off, throws stuff, screams if things aren’t as he wants them. I’ve carried the mental load coping with the kids and the house and doing therapies with my dh essentially parenting our oldest son. I’m trying to step back but every decision my dh wants to run past me. Should we do this, should we do that. Yet hasn’t been emotionally supportive or available as they’ve grown up. He doesn’t see it this way.

My mum has mentioned residential school for my youngest. I’ve realised that the moment he gets home from his specialist school at 4pm all my attention has to go on him as he can’t be left alone. I feel like a dreadful parent as I can’t give my other two children (including the other one with special needs) enough attention. I feel burnt out and exhausted. We don’t get respite and 4 hours a month wouldn’t be enough as my son would have extreme anxiety if he didn’t know the person enough and four hours a month wouldn’t allow for this. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of life. My husband wanted us to go out today but I couldn’t face how much effort it would take and god forbid if it wasn’t right in anyway the youngest would lose it (he can’t talk). We try and tailor everything to suit him. Especially if he’s been awake in the night which he frequently is.

I’ve just started a new job in school hours as I want to reclaim what is left of my shattered identify.

I feel awful for even considering residential school. I can’t imagine others caring for my young child. It breaks my heart the thought of sending him away like I’m rejecting him. But on the other hand I’m not sure how longer I can deal with him. Today he had an hour long meltdown as I wouldn’t let him upstairs as he’d already trashed it. Even the simple joy of trying to read him a story he screams, moves around and hits me.

He’s currently on his window sill whilst I’m sat on his floor where I will spend the next few hours getting him into bed.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 04/01/2020 19:16

Do what's right for your family. Sorry if this is teaching u to suck eggs but have you looked at direct payments. Friend uses hers for carers a few times a week for one of her children. Carers take him out to different specialised activities

Summercamping · 04/01/2020 19:14

Anybody would consider it, you sound like you're doing a great job. Do some research, visit the residential school and see how you feel then. It might benefit your whole family, your 7 year old included.

You would still be caring for him, just doing it with help.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/01/2020 19:14

I think it would be a good idea to look into it. Presumably you'd take him home for weekends? So it's not like when I went away to school in September and next saw my family in December.

My nephew had severe cerebral palsy and went to a residential school. At the school he had the care he needed, by people who were not exhausted, and he flourished.

If you can get him into a good school, you might find that you are more able to give more of yourself when he is with you, as well as being more present for your other children. You wouldn't be abandoning him at all. It may turn out to be wrong for you and for him, but it won't hurt to look into it.

topsyandtimothy · 04/01/2020 19:11

Why don't you go and see some residential schools and find out what they offer. You don't have to commit to anything now.

You are certainly not a bad mother. You sound incredible.

It is absolutely right to ensure all your children's needs are met, and residential schooling may be the best way to do this.

MuddlingMackem · 04/01/2020 19:09

YADNBU to consider it. The only problem is if he then wouldn't settle for visits home if it takes him out of his school routine. However, I would say you should definitely look into it.

Bickles · 04/01/2020 19:09

Seems to me you’re being a good parent to the other 2, giving them some time and space.
I’m in awe you’ve got to age 7 with this, I wouldn’t cope at all.
It sounds very tough but hope you get him a place. You’ll be able to give him quality time when he’s back from school safe in the knowledge that your other 2 have also had some attention when he’s away. You’ll also have the energy to devote to him if it’s in more measured doses.

Selfsettling3 · 04/01/2020 19:09

Sorry I don’t have any advice but there is an SEN board maybe ask MN to move this as AIBU is not going going to give you good answers.

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