Feeling like an awful parent for thinking about a residential school for Sen child

DICarter1 · 2020-01-04T19:05:01+00:00

Ive got three kids (11, 10 and 7). Our 10 and 7 year old have autism and adhd. The youngest is also non verbal and has an autoimmune disease. I’ve been a carer for 10 years as we realised the kids wouldn’t cope in nursery ft or even pt. I’m exhausted. My parents are elderly so do help by taking the older two out but the youngest is incredibly hyperactivity. He climbs on Windows, jumps on beds, runs off, throws stuff, screams if things aren’t as he wants them. I’ve carried the mental load coping with the kids and the house and doing therapies with my dh essentially parenting our oldest son. I’m trying to step back but every decision my dh wants to run past me. Should we do this, should we do that. Yet hasn’t been emotionally supportive or available as they’ve grown up. He doesn’t see it this way. My mum has mentioned residential school for my youngest. I’ve realised that the moment he gets home from his specialist school at 4pm all my attention has to go on him as he can’t be left alone. I feel like a dreadful parent as I can’t give my other two children (including the other one with special needs) enough attention. I feel burnt out and exhausted. We don’t get respite and 4 hours a month wouldn’t be enough as my son would have extreme anxiety if he didn’t know the person enough and four hours a month wouldn’t allow for this. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of life. My husband wanted us to go out today but I couldn’t face how much effort it would take and god forbid if it wasn’t right in anyway the youngest would lose it (he can’t talk). We try and tailor everything to suit him. Especially if he’s been awake in the night which he frequently is. I’ve just started a new job in school hours as I want to reclaim what is left of my shattered identify. I feel awful for even considering residential school. I can’t imagine others caring for my young child. It breaks my heart the thought of sending him away like I’m rejecting him. But on the other hand I’m not sure how longer I can deal with him. Today he had an hour long meltdown as I wouldn’t let him upstairs as he’d already trashed it. Even the simple joy of trying to read him a story he screams, moves around and hits me. He’s currently on his window sill whilst I’m sat on his floor where I will spend the next few hours getting him into bed.

Original poster

DICarter1 · 16/07/2026 22:04

@x2boys, it’s really hard isn’t it. He’s done two transition sessions to respite and I think it’s probably going to take ages. He can’t access any holiday clubs as they’re just not suited to him.

We haven’t mentioned residential to school or any other professionals at the moment. For me it makes me feel like I’ve failed but we’re really struggling with him. His dad and sibling went to pick him up from school (no taxi driver will bring him home) and he hit his sibling numerous times. We’ve only started talking about it properly at home. We’ve just kept making adaptions but have reached a point where we feel we can’t do anymore.

OP posts:

x2boys · 14/07/2026 19:30

DICarter1 · 14/07/2026 19:17

@x2boys, how do you manage your own well-being? I’m finding mine has taken a huge hit and I think I’m fairly resilient.

I figured that if we did think a residential was in his and his siblings best interest it could be a long and difficult process and he could end up in any part of the country which isn’t ideal but we do understand.

I do fear with my DS that as he’s unpredictable and not watched properly he could end up hurting a younger child like that man and the child at the farm. He regularly hurts me and I do worry long term he could really hurt us as he’s punched both me and his older sister in the head. And I wonder if he needs somewhere where life would be highly predictable. We’ve kept home as predictable as possible - we don’t really have people in apart from his grandparents and we rarely take him out as he doesn’t want to go. House is also very low demand.

We do get respite ( although staff shortsges have hindred this )
He has overnigh respute 4 nights a month
But it took ages for him to settle
And a special needs holiday club ( one day a week every school holiday )
And every other saturday club
Hes going through puberty which is hsving an sffect on his
Have you spoke to school and other professionsls about resdentisl ?

Original poster

DICarter1 · 14/07/2026 19:17

@x2boys, how do you manage your own well-being? I’m finding mine has taken a huge hit and I think I’m fairly resilient.

I figured that if we did think a residential was in his and his siblings best interest it could be a long and difficult process and he could end up in any part of the country which isn’t ideal but we do understand.

I do fear with my DS that as he’s unpredictable and not watched properly he could end up hurting a younger child like that man and the child at the farm. He regularly hurts me and I do worry long term he could really hurt us as he’s punched both me and his older sister in the head. And I wonder if he needs somewhere where life would be highly predictable. We’ve kept home as predictable as possible - we don’t really have people in apart from his grandparents and we rarely take him out as he doesn’t want to go. House is also very low demand.

OP posts:

x2boys · 13/07/2026 10:07

CrimsonCattery · 13/07/2026 09:55

This is going to be heartbreaking but you must do what keeps him and the family safe. It doesn't sound like he is safe at home.

At 13 he is only going to get bigger and stronger. It is possible he could seriously hurt or kill one of you. He may get seriously hurt himself or may harm the public like the recent case of the toddler at the zoo.

It won't be his fault but that doesn't stop the harm from affecting him and others.

He will likely have a better quality of live in a specialist provision where the day can be tailored to his routine and needs.

Read this as it could be the future: https://www.cleveland.com/metro/2009/12/kent_state_professor_trudy_ste.html

Im.not sure guilt tripping the Op is helpful
By all accounts the man at the zoo was with two carers so may well have been in residential care anyway

CrimsonCattery · 13/07/2026 09:55

This is going to be heartbreaking but you must do what keeps him and the family safe. It doesn't sound like he is safe at home.

At 13 he is only going to get bigger and stronger. It is possible he could seriously hurt or kill one of you. He may get seriously hurt himself or may harm the public like the recent case of the toddler at the zoo.

It won't be his fault but that doesn't stop the harm from affecting him and others.

He will likely have a better quality of live in a specialist provision where the day can be tailored to his routine and needs.

Read this as it could be the future: https://www.cleveland.com/metro/2009/12/kent_state_professor_trudy_ste.html

x2boys · 13/07/2026 07:55

DICarter1 · 13/07/2026 07:28

I found my old thread when I was searching about whether to send my son to a residential so I thought I would update. My son is now 13. He’s still at home and attends the same complex needs school. His behaviour has gotten harder. He’s now aggressive everyday. Hits and punches his siblings (they could simply walk past him or break one of his internal rules such as not having a cushion near you), he spits in my face multiple times a day, grabs my boobs and often hits me. We’ve made adaptations to our home such as locks on the door to bedrooms, door closers to stop him slamming doors, he has his own room and a large space downstairs in the house with yoga ball, weighted blanket, he has a swing and trampoline outside. He is unable to access the community regularly (he occasionally manages an hour in a country park) and taking him out needs both of us as he’s kicked a member of the public before. Inclusive swimming is becoming harder as twice now he’s kicked a child and he usually tries to go for someone. I’ve managed to hold onto my job, just. And still do two days a week but I’m exhausted. DS also received an epilepsy diagnosis last year after having a series of fits.

Social work have given us direct payments but we’re struggling to find carers and he is due to get 4 stays a month at a respite centre. He has only managed 50 minutes and an hour at the two sessions he’s had.

Although I don’t want to think about it as I love him to bits, I think residential is a real option now. We’ve emailed our behaviour log to our social worker, told them that the safety of our children feels under threat. Does anyone know about the process? Is this the wrong thing to do? I still feel incredibly guilty at the thought of sending our son to a residential school but my other children are really struggling including the middle one who has autism and adhd as well.

My son is severly autistic with severe learning disabillities , extremtly challenging behvior etc
So i have some undrrstsnding of what your going through
A friend of mine did msnsge to secure a place at a residential school for her son
After things reached crisis and they could no longer keep him safe
B
But it was by no means a quick or easy process
From what i understand first of all all the professionals had to agree it was in his best interests
And then they had to find a residential that could meet his needs
And this can be anywhwere in the UK .
The whole process took about a year and hes thriving but hes at a place 300 miles away from home
Its a difficult decision whoch only you can decide

Original poster

DICarter1 · 13/07/2026 07:28

I found my old thread when I was searching about whether to send my son to a residential so I thought I would update. My son is now 13. He’s still at home and attends the same complex needs school. His behaviour has gotten harder. He’s now aggressive everyday. Hits and punches his siblings (they could simply walk past him or break one of his internal rules such as not having a cushion near you), he spits in my face multiple times a day, grabs my boobs and often hits me. We’ve made adaptations to our home such as locks on the door to bedrooms, door closers to stop him slamming doors, he has his own room and a large space downstairs in the house with yoga ball, weighted blanket, he has a swing and trampoline outside. He is unable to access the community regularly (he occasionally manages an hour in a country park) and taking him out needs both of us as he’s kicked a member of the public before. Inclusive swimming is becoming harder as twice now he’s kicked a child and he usually tries to go for someone. I’ve managed to hold onto my job, just. And still do two days a week but I’m exhausted. DS also received an epilepsy diagnosis last year after having a series of fits.

Social work have given us direct payments but we’re struggling to find carers and he is due to get 4 stays a month at a respite centre. He has only managed 50 minutes and an hour at the two sessions he’s had.

Although I don’t want to think about it as I love him to bits, I think residential is a real option now. We’ve emailed our behaviour log to our social worker, told them that the safety of our children feels under threat. Does anyone know about the process? Is this the wrong thing to do? I still feel incredibly guilty at the thought of sending our son to a residential school but my other children are really struggling including the middle one who has autism and adhd as well.

OP posts:

CathySummers27 · 29/01/2024 14:14

I’m trying to get my son into a residential school. He’s 8, I’m literally on a cliff’s edge. I either get ignored or social clamp down on me but both ways nothing gets done so I moved boroughs. I hope my son will get there soon but it will definitely be with a fight for it first. If you had the money, which many parents do without their children having a disability and still go to boarding so they can become a doctor or such, they don’t feel bad, why should you?

GoldfishRampage · 05/01/2020 13:34

YANBU. Not a teeny tiny bit. You need to stop feeling guilty about things too. You have enough on your plate without making more things to feel bad about. Be pragmatic and sensible. It sounds like a sensible decision to consider residential school for him. Have a look at some and see how it goes.

Look at things from the point of view of what's best for your whole family as well
As what's best for each individual.

Good luck. You sound amazing. 💐💐💐

CrimsonCattery · 05/01/2020 11:22

My DP has ASD and went to a residential special school hours from home from 10 onwards (he is now 30). It was the best thing for him. He was taught in small groups with specialists who could show him how to manage his condition. He now has a degree, a good job and is fully independant. The relationship with his family is good. He is the only one with ASD and both his siblings stayed home. Only noticible difference is his accent is far less strong than the rest of the family and he lives an hour and a half away by choice for work where the rest of the family stayed local. He has no issues and no regrets.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 05/01/2020 10:05

All the best with the assessment. Yanbu to consider a residential school at all. I have 4 DC, the youngest has ASD, non verbal and attends a complex needs school that doesn't offer any wrap around care/holiday clubs due to ratios and cost. I can totally see why you would consider it when you have other DC.

Original poster

DICarter1 · 05/01/2020 09:57

Thank you for everyone who’ve offered support and stories. I really appreciate it. I’m going to contact social services next week and ask for an assessment. When I’ve brought it up with my dh he’s not keen and when I look at his face I feel like I’m completely betraying him. But I don’t feel as a family we can offer the consistency he really needs. Maybe if it was just him but my other children (especially the one who also has asd) finds him very very hard as he’s also very loud.

OP posts:

okiedokieme · 05/01/2020 09:43

You need to place your children in the school that is best for them, if this is residential then no need to feel bad. Start investigating and request a meeting with social services too, it's most likely to be for September so a good time to start the process. I considered it myself, it's really hard to cope especially when their other parent doesn't stick to the same rules (consistency is everything)

Generallybewildered · 05/01/2020 09:39

My friend’s son goes to weekly boarding for his son. His education has flourished with the correct support and he is calmer at weekends and in the holidays. Mum has been able to go back to work for the first time in years. Dad is able to get on with his job without constant call backs. And siblings are flourishing getting their parents back. All in all it’s worked perfectly.

reefedsail · 05/01/2020 09:25

It does sound like a residential placement would be good for your DS as he likes the structure of school. Really agree with PP about not underestimating the difference a trained, rested team of staff makes. Don't feel guilty considering increasing his time in an environment specially adapted for him- you just can't make your home be that.

As PP have said, it could be a long road to get a residential placement and you County may want to try other things first. Your first step would be to ask your school to call an Emergency Annual Review so you can bring all the issues at home up, and take it from there. Insist that your DS's Caseworker attends.

I did work with a family who used weekly placements at a state boarding school for their other DC, to give them some respite, while they battled for a residential placement. They did get the residential placement for their DS, but by then the other DC didn't want to leave their state boarding school, so all the children boarded during the week and there was a patchwork of who was home/ at school at weekends.

CherryPavlova · 05/01/2020 09:22

My children were brought up living in residential special schools. The children were usually happy and certainly well cared for. They had opportunities that they couldn’t be afforded in mainstream.
We are in contact with a few of the parents still.
Some of the children did very well indeed - integrated far better into adulthood than they perhaps would otherwise have done.
Most had improved family relationships because the pressure of caring was no longer constant.

There is still funding and some county run schools but places are not easy to get. You’d need advice.
Go and look with an open mind.

PooWillyBumBum · 05/01/2020 09:18

YANBU. You have a family of five and - not only may he flourish at a residential school but - you need to think of all your needs. Everyone’s happiness is important, including adults and kids with no SEN.

I just want to give you a big non mumsnetty hug!

twinnywinny14 · 05/01/2020 09:12

Unfortunately we did have to put our hands up and say we were not prepared to manage the holidays and weekends anymore before anyone took us seriously re SS and his needs. All the time we muddled through and did what we did they were happy to let us get on with it

Underhisi · 05/01/2020 09:02

The residential side of the placement will probably be funded by social care (section 20 placement) possibly with some funding from health if the child qualifies for continuing care.
Some children will qualify for full funding by education but this is more difficult to get. Some children will be given residential placements in a care home but will attend their current local authority school if this remains suitable.
About half the children at my son's school have a residential placement for various reasons.
You are certainly not being unreasonable in looking into it for your son.
To those who have mentioned respite - there is limited availability of this and often nothing suitable for children with severe needs who need more specialist care than many direct payment workers can provide although asking for a residential placement because you are struggling to cope with your child's needs can mean they miraculously find something/ someone.

claireyjs · 05/01/2020 08:17

Admitting you need help is the first step of a difficult decision process but in that will probably enhance all of your lives as you will have the energy to make your time together extra special rather than it turning into a daily mountain to be climbed. Be open minded and go and see some... hopefully that will put your mind at ease. Good luck

x2boys · 05/01/2020 07:49

The local authority would be funding the residential school @DontFundHate if they agreed it was the only school that could meet the Op,s son,s needs( getting them to agree that is a whole different matter) they would ,nt give the Op money to hire a carer , the Op could apply for direct payments for a PA for her son but realistically she would only get a few hrs a month

x2boys · 05/01/2020 07:33

In a lot of LA,s the Op.would be lucky to.get four hours a month Clacky my severely autistic son,get ,s one day a week in the school holidays excluding Xmas in a special needs,play scheme and I have to pay its a small amount though and that's it ,he's nine ,non verbal goes to a special school.etc getting respite can be very hard .

SinkGirl · 05/01/2020 07:09

Local authorities fund specialist provision including residential placements (well, that’s the theory anyway - getting them to do it is another matter).

Sending hugs OP. My twins are both autistic and non verbal - they’re only 3 and I’m absolutely exhausted. I hope you can find a good solution for you all.

Clackyheels · 05/01/2020 07:07

YANBU.

Have you been into school to speak to the head or SENCO/teacher. If it's a good school they should be able to help you get the support you need. They tend to know all the right people. Go in and explain things at home are at breaking point. Its effecting all the family etc. Is there any reason youd only get 4 hours a month respite? That doesnt seem right.

DontFundHate · 05/01/2020 07:05

How much is residential school? Could you use that money to hire help instead, someone he could get to know to help you out after school so you can get a better balance? Hope things are better soon op