AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

Is it just his virginity that is bothering you or is there something else making you unsure?
I lost my virginity at 32 - so I was quite a late starter. I was so nervous about it that I never let anyone get that far with me! So it could be something like that and I do think that people can be virgins well into their thirties and it not be for some reason that might preclude a decent relationship with them.
I just wonder if you weren't that into him and then this revelation on top is making you question everything.

How "far" have you actually got with him? What's he like when kissing? Does he kiss passionately or is it more chaste?

A 37 yo virgin, yes, I’d have issues with that. It’s very unusual - and there’s usually a far more deep seated reason than ‘he’s shy’

I agree. I've actually dated two men who were still virgins in their thirties. The first one had massive issues with intimacy, death grip from 15 years of porn use, and was a bit of a misogynist. The second one turned out to be not sexually attracted to women.

My dh has a good friend who is still a virgin, in his 40s. He’s very shy and finds women very intimidating, I think. Dh and I have been married for 12 years and I’ve known him all that time. He still struggles to look me in the eye. He would really struggle if left in the room alone with me! No idea why he’s like that, he’s just supper shy. Really nice guy though. Always been there for dh and doesn’t seem to struggle with men as much.

Your bf sounds like he is on the autistic spectrum. I am autistic and have only been with my dh. I would freeze up around other men and did not feel comfortable enough around anyone until I met dh, one date together and I knew that I could happily marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I was 20 to my dh’s 25 and very naive and innocent.

I would consider asking your bf if he uses pornography. I know several autistic men who are very anti pornography and as a result would not have assumptions about sex from what they had seen in porn. It’s worthwhile discussing what his assumptions are about sex and women, then you can share what to you is normal sex, what you are comfortable with and what makes you uncomfortable. I believe this is an important conversation if you are going to be intimate with anyone. Particularly someone who has never had sex before. I would also let your bf know that you are not an expert on sex and that you yourself have not had a sexual relationship in five years. ( It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s fun getting to know each other in bed and discovering what you each like- it’s easy enough to give pointers too, they can only say no).

I wouldn’t immediately write off a good man because he is a virgin who could be on the autistic spectrum, you clearly really like this man or you wouldn’t have sat through several awkward dates and continued to meet for twenty dates! My experience of other autists and myself, is that we make very loyal and loving partners. I may have froze with other men but I have a deep and wonderful connection with my dh, we have a fantastic sex life and there is the added benefit of no complications from previous relationships on my side.

@Puzzledbyart - Please give him a chance! Also let’s remember what we feel about this is often constructed by stereotypes and our culture.

I have several friends who are virgins in their 30’s and 40’s and when I worked directly with patients in the NHS met many too - it’s more common than people realize. Here are a sample of their stories (nothing identifying, obvs!)

• Cared for parent with early onset Alzheimer’s and younger sibling from teens to 30. Literally worked in admin 8 hours a day and was up most of the night caring for Mum and helping sibling with homework, really became a parent overnight.
• Was severely sexually assaulted as a child (male)
• Cancer in early 20’s and had years of treatment, some of which made sex more complicated not impossible but the type of sex you’d want a partner who understands not a one night stand or short term relationship
• Was extremely hurt by ex partners right before sex or during
• Wanting to not repeat the mistakes of parents who were abusive in relationships
• Not wanting to repeat mistakes of parents who were sexually abusive
• Never met someone where it led to that type of intimacy (very common)
• Waited for fiancé who was abstaining for religious reasons to have wedding called off
• Parents dies in accident and raised 3 younger siblings including a sibling who was a menopause baby and 12 years younger than the previous youngest
• Was away in the army and didn’t like how many abused/took advantage of women in the countries they were stationed, so decided not to have sex until it was a serious and loving relationship.
• Religion
• Volunteered A’s a Dr in rural parts of Africa for 10 years, literally saving lives for a stipend that was 1/10 of what a Dr would earn in Britain

You never know someone’s story. Someone who is a virgin could be the Dr who saved your life, the person who protects your country, cared for your elderly neighbour. You’d respect them and it sounds silly, but I they really live with so much judgement and its really dreadfully unfair considering, better to understand there’s often a backstory and it’s better to offer safe space, respect their past and then have fun together if it leads to that.

YANBU to be a bit wary, as probably everyone learns things from past relationships eg balance between independence and being in each others pockets, compromise etc. But I think I'd be more worried about that than the actual sex part. If he is shy then at least you know the reason. And I'd take it as a positive he told you, actually, because some men would not want to admit it, and try and bluster through it. And there are positives. He is honest. He wont have any STIs. You can teach him about what you like as he wont have any assumptions about what a previous long term gf liked. I'm sure lots of people on here (me included) have slept with men who have had a lot of partners and it's been dreadful as I dont think they've ever actually cared about what the partner of the day / week liked.

I'd try and take it slow and see how it goes before making any decisions

It's very odd that someone gets to that age and has been unable to build a relationship with anyone. I would think there's some problem.

Initially my reaction to your post was 'oh I don't think I'd like that'

But I think it depends on the person. If he's just sure of who he is and owns it, has a great personality etc I think I could get past it. Like, he's shy and doesn't push for sex because that's just who he is and he's not trying to be something he's not, then that's ok.

Also, a lot of people are saying things like would you rather be with a player who shags everything with a pulse but it isn’t either/or is it? Either extreme is probably a bad thing!

I would assume that losing his virginity would be a massive deal to him and that would probably put me off.

Given the massive drive most people have to have sex I would assume that there was something wrong with someone who hadn’t by that age.

I think the only thing he’ll be hoping for as a virgin will be a bit of patience first off. But if the sparks there, I’m sure after a couple of less than amazing sessions, things will be 👌🏻 Honestly, would you rather be with a player who shags everything with a pulse? No thanks. He sounds like he has integrity to me - a nice quality.

A 37 yo virgin, yes, I’d have issues with that. It’s very unusual - and there’s usually a far more deep seated reason than ‘he’s shy’.

AS others have said, I’m not sure I’d want to be ‘the one’, by the time you get to 37, you’ve blown that up into a pretty massive big deal I imagine.

Plus the whole porn v reality aspect too.

A 17 yo with ‘no clue’ is one thing, a 37 yo with no clue is quite a different thing.

Relationship experience as much as sexual. And you have kids, I’d want someone who had some experience of life in the domestic lane.

I actually find the idea of relieving him of his virginity to have quite a lot of erotic potential. It could be utterly crap, especially if he is porn addled, but if not, the thought that you could leave him incoherent with newfound bliss is quite appealing I'd have a crack at it personally

I think it's sad how uncomfortable this makes some people. We were all virgins once and unless everyone lost their virginity with a fellow teenager then chances are the person you first had sex with wasn't a virgin.

DH and I didn't have a lot of experience between us when we met, though neither of us were virgins. It took a bit of time to 'fall into a good rhythm' together but I'm glad we did!

I've got a feeling my husband was a virgin when we met. He honestly wasn't some kind of weirdo, he just had no interest in one night stands and had never been in a serious relationship due to his job and constantly moving around the world. I'd give him a chance if I were you

I would find this extremely odd in a man in his late thirties. It's just not normal.

We happen to have a common very-rare-and-identifying grin hobby

Cycling :-)

The virginity is a red herring. Good sex is essentially a skill which can be taught and learnt through practice and communication, and over time that side of things will improve even if it isn't great at first.

What is of greater concern is whether he is able to engage in a serious relationship with you on the level that you need. You are already a parent to two small children and in your position I would only be interested in a relationship with someone who could support and match me on a similar emotional level. I am also a parent of two small children in my thirties and although I'm not single the idea of a relationship where I would have to coach my partner through the lessons that most people learn in adolescence sounds absolutely exhausting.

I did have a lover for whom I was only his second partner (he was a lot younger though.) He happened to be great- I think he was a natural! He did happen to have ASD which did put additional strains on our friendship.

I'm glad if you think he's ok and just a bit nervous with women. Best wishes.

You're not sure about something you don't know what, this is not something to ignore. Why are you the person he has chosen to sleep with after 37 years? Has he been in prison/hospital? It seems very odd is he telling the truth? If you are concerned about something listen to your instincts much as it could be he is just painfully shy it is highly unusual in this day and age and I would be concerned there was something else

We'll surely it depends on why he's still a virgin.. if it's because he's killed all his dates before he got to the sex then yeah issues.. or if he suggests them to put the lotion on or they get the hose then run away as maybe he'll want to make a suit of skin..

However maybe he just never met the right girl? I'd be happy with that.

Sounds like you're already finding him hard work as would anyone having to do most of the talking on dates. Having read your update I can't see this going anywhere at all if he's too shy to even hold a free flowing conversation after a few dates. How on earth would you be able to get each other naked?! It sounds painful and I'm wondering why you are pursuing someone who you are having doubts about and for very good reasons. It's so easy to feel thrilled by attention when you're a single mum of young kids, especially after being single so long (been there). My advice is to have a few more dates and see if things get more relaxed but I think this one is just friend zone.

Agree with above think hes saying it to you dont expect much and if you were to do anything to maybe take that into consideration. People tend to think guys are sex mad but infact they just need a cuddle and kiss like we do too. Maybe he wants it to be just as special as you do especially if your his first patience is key!

Do you like him enough to put up with terrible sex for a bit?