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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

268 replies

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 20:56

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 30/09/2019 00:13

Haven't read the whole thread but the devil in me wants to write, maybe he's got a micro penis and all his other birds have scarpered in horror 😈

lborgia · 30/09/2019 00:12

Or go with BitchyArriver’s advice, which is great, and true Grin

lborgia · 30/09/2019 00:11

Not sure if I missed it but presumably you are snogging a lot etc, and that feels good? Do you know him well enough to ask him whether he’s done anything sexual with anyone ever?

I wonder if you should look past the weekend, and see what that feels like to you.

If it’s a disaster, do you feel that you’re close enough to discuss it? Because if you don’t , you maybe shouldn’t be having sex yet. I wouldn’t say that if you were in your 20’s in the dating pond, and just enjoying yourself. But given that you have so much more going on now, you owe it to yourself not to get into something you can’t discuss like an adult.

If he had some odd ideas, do you feel open enough to ask if his main source of ideas is from porn, because life just isn’t like that?!

I agree about the potentially being autistic. (Oh, and ftr, the community I am involved in, we all describe it as being autistic, because it’s just different, not abnormal, like being British, or brunette, so I hope no one freaks about about my using the term).

I have now been married to someone for 20 years who it has finally occurred to me (and him) is autistic. As is often the case, children were diagnosed first. I’m not entirely sure that I don’t have traits myself, but we’re getting the kids settled, and then looking at our own lives/marriage.

He had slept with one person I as far as I know, and they were younger than him (as in, 20 to his 25) so not a virgin, but also pretty inexperienced.

When we first met, he was very keen to work on whatever needed doing to get it together, and it had it’s odd moments, but generally we got ourselves sorted pretty fast Smile . In hindsight, I think some of his ideas (concerns about performance, not climaxing at the same time, being keen on the idea of me being shaved etc etc ) came from porn, but, I think I didn’t even take any of it personally, and told him we weren’t in a movie, and to bugger off with the shaving thing. I can imagine taking it all far more personally these days...

Unfortunately some issues have since arisen which I’m not going to put on here for general reading, but definitely based on his later start in sex, and I suspect the autism. But I really hope I’ll be brave enough to talk to him about it, because it has impacted everything.

Happy to PM if you want, but otherwise I guess I don’t see it as any different to you getting back out there after 5 years with your new mum body, and not a ton of recent experience yourself.

Everyone is a potential disaster, and the issues you have with him are less likely, I guess, to be mind games, or crap of that kind.

I think my one suggestion would be that if I was starting again now, at this age, with kids etc (and lord knows, that may still be in my future), I’d make sure that I had what I wanted right from the start. If you can’t ask for it now, when can you?

I hope it’s fantastic Grin

PS. I’ve spent so long writing this, you’ve probably come back with some really important bit of info that renders this pointless, but your post really leapt out at me, so I hope this helped Hmm

Catsandchardonnay · 30/09/2019 00:10

Give him a chance OP. A few shags in and you’ll have forgotten he never did it before.

Aridane · 30/09/2019 00:06

Yes, it would be a problem for me

Sotoes · 30/09/2019 00:03

He might really like it, then your only problem is him wanting to make up for the last 20 years.

Winterlife · 30/09/2019 00:03

I would have no issues with the lack of sexual experience.

IME, shy people open up over time. Get to know him.

Queenest · 30/09/2019 00:03

I think I’d want someone more experienced at that age tbh

BitchyArriver · 30/09/2019 00:02

Fuck his brains out, and if you like him he’ll probably love you forever.

I don’t get ‘I need a man with experience in bed’. In bed I would rather have someone that will be told what I want and what to do Blush and do it. As a woman I know exactly what I want. Don’t need someone who knows what they’re doing necessarily?

On the other hand for a relationship it’s a big red flag if they’ve never had a partner before.

Anyway don’t ask me. I work with, ‘if it feels good, do it’ and worry about the consequences later!

Dixiechickonhols · 29/09/2019 23:53

Why not explain what you’ve said here that it’s been years since you had sex. That you like the direction things are going in but are happy to take things slowly. Maybe agree to just spend time together at conference without any expectation of sex. He obviously feels comfortable with you to confide such a big thing.

rubyroot · 29/09/2019 23:51

Just give it a whirl, surely? See how it goes.

AgeLikeWine · 29/09/2019 23:50

I’m sure you have absolutely nothing to worry about in terms of his expectations of your appearance. He will be so delighted to be in the same room as a real woman who may actually be willing to have sex with him that he certainly won’t be examining any slight stretch marks....

He sounds nice, so give the guy a chance but don’t expect him to be a mind reader in the bedroom. Many women find it difficult to take the lead, but you will have to. Show or gently tell him what you enjoy, and treat him how you would like to be treated if you were the inexperienced partner.

Good luck! Wink

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 23:46

What’s making him think now/you is the right time to lose his virginity?
I have no idea. I actually had no idea that he is a virgin until today, and I obviously did not question it further (I think I said something stupid and non-distinct like "uh-huh, it is okay" or something like this).

OP posts:
Zeusthemoose · 29/09/2019 23:44

If your kissing is all going well I honestly can't see a problem. The chemistry is obviously there.
I dated a guy that had only slept with one person once before me. He was 30. His family was very religious and he decided not to wait untill marriage when he moved to the U.K. We had a fantastic 6 months Grin He was bloody gorgeous aswell.....sigh

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 23:43

You are already a parent to two small children and in your position I would only be interested in a relationship with someone who could support and match me on a similar emotional level

Relationship experience as much as sexual. And you have kids, I’d want someone who had some experience of life in the domestic lane.

Yes, this is probably exactly what makes me nervous (that virginity is only the tip of the inexperience iceberg here).

AS others have said, I’m not sure I’d want to be ‘the one’, by the time you get to 37, you’ve blown that up into a pretty massive big deal I imagine.
This is also very true.

OP posts:
BackHomeAgain · 29/09/2019 23:41

Has he had other experience? Just not actual intercourse??

What’s making him think now/you is the right time to lose his virginity?

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 23:39

Cycling
I wish - I already complained of not being fit Grin

OP posts:
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 23:37

How "far" have you actually got with him? What's he like when kissing? Does he kiss passionately or is it more chaste?
Errr… "second base". Kisses are very passionate and everything seems to be working as expected - at least from what I could tell.

OP posts:
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 23:35

I was originally going to suggest ASD as an autistic person myself, but thought I'd be flamed.
I don't think it is ASD. My brother is autistic, so I know the condition quite well - I realise there's a spectrum though, so everything is possible.

OP posts:
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 23:32

However, if you don’t find it a turn-off, which you don’t seem to, then what’s the problem?
I find it somewhat a turn-off mentally, if I am honest, in line with what a PP said - it somehow infantilises him to me (although it is definitely not a correct word, but I cannot find a better one). As if I was dating, say, a 19 years old - legally allowed, physically the attraction is there, but still feels wrong.

OP posts:
Wheelson · 29/09/2019 23:29

@Aberhonddu I took the poster to be displaying an opinion about shitty men who would take advantage of such women rather than judging the women.

Aberhonddu · 29/09/2019 23:27

TestingTestingWonTooFree

It’s unusual, but I’d rather a virgin who just hasn’t found the right woman than a man who had one night stands with incapable drunk women/sex workers
That's a really shitty opinion of Women you've expressed. You might like to check your internalised misogyny.

user1573354 · 29/09/2019 23:24

I was originally going to suggest ASD as an autistic person myself, but thought I'd be flamed. Then you mentioned eye contact and @Caledoniahasmyheartforever said it for me. Not that it should rule out dating him, just something to consider.

escapade1234 · 29/09/2019 23:23

I think you’re getting an unrealistically positive response to this.

Personally, I’d find it a massive turn-off. I remember the inexperienced fumblings of teenage boys from my past and would not find that hot in a man pushing 40.

However, if you don’t find it a turn-off, which you don’t seem to, then what’s the problem?

BackHomeAgain · 29/09/2019 23:15

It makes me think of Forrest Gump.

Having to show him what to do would be a bit of a turn off for me I think.