The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

You’re too fat - (I was a size 10)

You’ll never find anyone else if you leave me

And many more things

We were at his place, he was watching football while I wasn't really interested. Our national team lost to another country. So he got angry with me, and said that the reason we lost is because of people like me who don't support the team properly as they should 😂

You’ll never find anyone who loves you like I do” this said by my both verbal and physically abusive ex. He is now single fat bald with teeth missing KARMA! And still living in our old council flat .
Recent one “ I know it’s going to be frightening being a single parent ( I was when I met him. He was having a affair he now has nothing I still have everything I worked for and no debt unlike him approx 30k he had got over 2.5 yrs) god I’m so glad I’m free ! Reading this thread there are a lot of cockeomble dick head twats around

Ooh ooh there's more

"You'll be one of those women who looks really ugly when pregnant"

"If we have kids I'll keep an Excel spreadsheet so we know how much you owe me at the end of maternity leave"

Luckily I dumped his ass before getting pg!

"You don't need to wear make up, you've got a boyfriend"

"Why do you want to see your friends? You've got me now"

All from the same absolute keeper - luckily I saw the light.

"You behave like a typical victim of abuse"

I was seriously ill with PND. It had been ongoing for 6 months. Ended up going into psychiatric hospital on a voluntary section. FIL had been given a prognosis of weeks to live after being diagnosed with cancer, just before I was hospitalised.
However, FIL passed on the very day I'd gone onto the ward. Spoke to my psychiatrist and it was decided that I didn't have to stay in hospital as long as DM helped care for me and DC. Yet, dm worked ft, so I just assumed the role of parenting him as well as the dc.

He hit the bottle badly and had violent outbursts. It was a pretty horrendous time.
His favourite attack was that I was 'competing' with his dad. That I was jealous. My pnd was all made up for attention and to be in the limelight. There was fuck all wrong with me, I was a sick and evil bitch, etc.
He used to throw my medication at me and goad me to take it all.
Had this accusation thrown at me during and after the break up and forever more.

When he dragged us through the family court, he tried to get full custody claiming I was unstable, suicidal, prone to long bouts of depression. But would then contradict himself and spew all of the above about me faking it, nothing wrong with me, it was attention seeking etc.
Eventually the judge had to ask him, "well which is she? She can't be clinically depressed in one breathe and making it all up in the next Mr Toffee!"

I guess he's still walking on the face of the earth, obviously a miracle cure

'You'll never find anyone who loves you the way I do' Was kind of true, as he was a weirdo.

"I either want full custody of our DD, or no contact at all".
Well okay then, if that's how you want it. 4 years later and she hasn't seen him.

"You're devoid of emotion". To be fair, by that point I probably was.

1. 'Of course, it's only natural that I should be admired by many young women, as I'm clearly going out with one much older than I am'. Seven weeks' older. Seven weeks.

1. 'Don't lie and say you've got arthritis, it's all in your mind because you want to be old and live on benefits and you've fooled all the doctors because you've got Munchausens when all you have to do is start running'. Yeah, because my mind can create ESR and CRP levels that high, I really enjoy injecting poisonous shit in order to function and the doctor from ATOS recommended I was awarded the highest rates of both mobility and care. Oh, and I worked because I never wanted to be dependent upon somebody else to pay my rent. Least of all him, who thought it was perfectly reasonable to buy a car on a credit card, but rather than doing a 0% payment and then benefitting from credit card protection, he walked next door to the bank and took out an eight grand cash advance.

1. 'I'm incredibly attractive to gay men and teenage girls'. Is there a subset of kink for pigeon chested balding guys with fucked teeth, no money and no home of their own?

And the weirdest was 'you aren't allowed to take your shoes and socks off because your feet are deformed - your toes aren't exactly straight with the soles of your feet, your toes spread out instead of coming together in a point and you don't walk like a woman, because women can only walk on tiptoes and men walk on the rest of the foot. So everybody can see you want to be a man'.

Another one just came out with bollocks all the time until I'd had enough of him - his particular 'moment' was announcing that he was leaving because I'd been so horrible to him by having a breast lump which upset and massively stressed him for two whole weeks - and then I had not grovelled for his forgiveness because I let a male doctor scan my right tit for cancer.

I just laughed. Mainly because not only that doctor scanned me, I'd been examined by the good looking male gp in the first place, seen a consultant and a male radiographer and my rheumatologist had asked very timidly if she could find out what a breast lump felt like at another appointment during the two weeks - I volunteered for her to get the junior doctors to come in to find out as well. So I'd had about 9 different men and one woman feel them extensively over that time. and every single exam was less unpleasant than when dickwad groped at my tits on a Saturday night

“This is really different for me. I usually go out with good looking girls.”

"I've never hit a woman". Said to me whom he had hit on three separate occasions.

"Well I hope your next bloke is weak he'll need to be to put up with you" er no you were weak and pathetic which is what made you unattractive you prick.

After asking me what my IQ was, said "I'm sorry, i find it hard to believe anyones is higher than mine"
So why ask me then?!

A guy I dated briefly told me he hated women drinking out of pint glasses as it wasn't feminine!

After facing collapse having cycled 93 km in 38degrees, I was told that if I wanted to go on holiday with him again, I’d have to do much more training! He is now exDP!!

Some of these are hilarious! Some are just heartbreaking!

After boasting (!) that he’d chain- smoked dope all through his 20s and then slightly less so until his 60s - he denied that his refractive asthma was caused by it, when he could hardly breathe!

Told me that if I ever had a baby it would be a mongol because I was half a mongol
These were his words so please don't flame me for using the 'm' word

Starter husband. Married too young, and should have heeded the warning signs that he had a wandering eye. He'd had an affair with a neighbour for over a year before I found out and we separated.
I started dating a work colleague shortly after we broke up.
Ex: You've been seen out with a man.
Me: Sweetheart, we're separated. If I'm shagging the whole of the local rugby team, that's none of your fucking business!
Ex:

Want=what

'You just dont feel genuine emotions like I do'
Accused me of being in love with one of my friends and actually drove me to the friends house and attempted to force me to go inside and 'tell him how I felt'... (I was not even the slightest bit attracted to this person let alone secretly in love with him)
He once also didnt speak to me for a few days because I didnt put any kisses on the end of a text thanking him for picking me up from work in his car.. apparently this meant I was not really grateful and was using him.
Accused me of having an affair with his married brother whom I'd met twice, because I smiled at something he said during a family dinner.. he didnt speak to me for a few days over that one as well...
Turned up in the middle of the night at my house when I had a female friend over because he thought 'she fancied me' and was going to 'try it on with me'
'I'm a very intuitive person, I have special gifts and I can tell what people are thinking'
'I'm a healer'

After we had broken up he also called my new partner a player and tried to warn me about him. Me and said partner have now been happily married for 6 years and have two lovely children together... my ex has been through about 60 women in this time frame and lives in a van.

Weren't you the girl who used to work behind the bar with the lovely hips? (looks down at my hips) Oh, it must've been the other one.

That no one would ever want me and I would still be on my own when I was 80... funnily enough that was 6 years ago, I’m now married to an amazing man, buying a new house and have a baby on the way. He for some reason is still single... 😂😂😂