The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

If you gain weight I will leave you.

I’ve seen him recently as he’s moved to my area and he is now massive 😂

"I'm not your childminder so you can go to work."

When I asked him to look after OUR DD cos she had a training day. I was at work that day. He wasnt.
(This was after he left. Before that DD came to my school on her school's Training days. After he left I had to move her to my school, as he no longer did the school runs.)

*warning ME about you

We were in France, he was driving, some geese trouped into the road and he went into a skid trying to avoid them.

He said 'there are no accidents. That's the universe warning me you and this relationship.'

Warning who?

That if I was raped he would leave me because I would have cheated on him and it would have been my fault for not stopping it and he knew I would have ‘encouraged it’.

He was an abusive idiot who I left after 3 years...

"Why are you leaving what did I do wrong?"

Said after I finally saw the light and left his arse after 6 years of emotional, financial and physical abuse. I laughed out of complete shock that the bastard was so away with the fucking fairies that he felt HE was the victim.... from what I gather he's still playing that card years later.

Some of my favourites before I left the bastard are:

"You're fat now and not attractive, but I still love you." I was a size 10 - when I met him I was extremely underweight.

"It's you're fault I'm fat." He had always had a beer belly since I first met him, and it got bigger because he KEPT DRINKING.

"Go and find a crack head then if all you want is sex!" Yelled at me after I asked him why we weren't intimate (we hadn't cuddled in 2 years, let alone had sex!) On that one I actually challenged him back with "Is that the best you think I could do if I left?" He stormed out of the room like an angry child because he had no retort.

He would never show any interest in me or what I was doing unless it was my passion (drawing/painting) if I was doing that he would break my concentration every few minutes asking if I wanted anything. He knew I didn't he just didn't like me doing something I was good at.

"It's me or the cats" he claimed to be massively allergic to my two female rescue cats, he wasn't he just didn't like that I was getting affection from them.

"It was probably an accident - blokes don't grope fat fucks like you." Said when I'd come home early from a work event where a drunk guy had grabbed my breasts and tried to pull my top down.

"Crying won't change anything." Said after I broke down when my Nanna died and also after he coerced me into have an abortion which he refused to take time off work to accompany me.

Just a few I'm embarrassed that it took me so long to leave the dickhead. And of course, the famous last words from any abusive dick - "nobody will want you, you'll be alone forever."

Well he's now back at home living with his Dad and I have a lovely DH who supports me and we have two beautiful DC together.

I wrecked myself financially getting away from him, but the debt is nothing compared to how he treated me.

Did you vandalise OW's fuchsia? Well whatever I might have done in my lifetime I've never vandalised any plant, and certainly not a fuchsia.
I can't stay with you, you're so bloody depressed, you're fat and ugly, I think you might be autistic, you're menopausal. Well no wonder I was depressed, with his behaviour towards me, OW was heavier than I was and about 6 inches shorter, and comparing photos of me at her age with her photos [ you do stupid things like that] I can say that she tipped the scales on ugliness, you don't suddenly wake up autistic at age 56, but OW's youngest is autistic, so if he really had a problem with people with autism maybe he should consider that she'd be living with him, at that point, I was well beyond menopause, but OW was 49 and if he didn't like menopausal women maybe she wasn't the one for him
Her also denied after I innitiated divorce that he'd committed adultery, no one believed that he'd been sleeping on her settee for 6 months, and neither did his solicitor, who actually said that he admitted he had.

He rang me up after getting the solicitor's letter asking why I was divorcing him, had I found someone else? He then rang up our daughter and quizzed her on was I having an affair, which was unforgivable, you don't involve your children in your stupidity. Actually I wasn't having an affair, I'm not a hypocrite.

He had planned to divorce me after 2 years of separation, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to be tied to him for any longer than I needed to be, he genuinely couldn't understand why I wanted to get my life sorted out and his crap out of the house now.
Reason I think he wanted grounds of separation, so he wouldn't have to give me anything during the divorce, and so people wouldn't know what he'd done. Well, at least in the end he thought being correctly accused of adultery was better than the unreasonable behaviour I might have put down
When he'd left me criticising me for going to the docs because it was alright for me, I had time, he never had time to go to the chemists to pick up his medication for suspected skin cancer [which he'd never worried about before, the bit he went with had been like that for yonks. There is a pharmacy in the same building as the doctors, that you have to pass on your way out, and even if stricken by temporary blindness on his way out, it was open from 7 am to 11 pm during the week, to 9 on a saturday and 5 on a sunday, he went past the building on his bike on his way to work

‘You’re too bothered about things being fair these days, I can’t live like that’ 🙄🙄🙄

After I’d left my exH he said. You’re a fool you could have had a wonderful life ( with him and using my money!!!)

Lowandlucky or indeed Sarah might have the same ex as me. I didn't know he was in a relationship. Although it wasn't a Christmas invite, it was an invite for a Sunday roast. That's when we both found out about each other.
Told me he was single and didn't have children. He had a workplace in the city where he took me, and the family out of London. The place where we going was his sisters, and all his family would be there. Well that part he got right.

My ex said to me ‘ no sorry we can’t be friends because you have a toxic yellow aura’

@deedeegee - did you post about this in the summer?

What is it with them and telling us we will never find anyone else? I had that as well.

Sorry I didn't answer my phone I was arrested. For three days apparently. No charge sheet. I brought it up later asking if he was going court, changed the subject.

In front of a judge - whatnext dropped out of school without passing exams. Whereas I went to a private school for education. So I am the better parent and should have custody (back when it was called that). His education was borstals and young offenders. Watching him squirm when my barrister questioned him was hysterical. Solicitor and I were sat there trying desperately to hold it in.

Same dickhead told his mum I had spent over 30k of his cash. When we met he was skint cos he'd already wasted it. This was also repeated in the same court hearing.

Had been married for 15+ years , and due to him being a man child plus other reasons, decided I couldn't see myself married for another 15 years so we were separating . He told me I was lucky, because when I'd had a big scare a few years previous ( lump thankfully was a cyst removal ) if it was cancer and I'd had my breast removed, he would have stayed with me ! Gee thanks.

Do you want me to come back? 🤣🤣🤣

When i left him after 19 years of being unfaithful he told his parents he was being tested for stds. And then sent me an email saying I gave him ms

When he got a well paid job after being unemployed, and me supporting him, for nearly 10 years, he left me!! But the break up was all my fault because I'd stopped 'listening to' him....I read this and I see what a fool I was. Oh and 7 months later he got REALLY I'll and wanted us to go back together. No thanks. Once bitten.....

He's not my Ex yet ......but as he's just told me I have 'stubby fingers ' I do feel a LTB coming on!

I have loads, whilst I'm reading the thread and thinking of some of the corkers I will post this one.
We hadn't seen each other for a few days. Which was fine with me. Saw him and he told me he broke his wrist.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe now they do bandage broken wrists.
Bumped into him with his mates a day or so later and I have never seen an arm disappear up a jumper as quick.
Never found out why he made this shit up.

@Lowlandlucky

"Can Sarah ( the woman he was having an affair with) and her son come and stay here for Christmas?"

Wow! How did he (or Sarah) think in any way that would be acceptable? My mind just boggles!

Whistling is horrible, why would you even want to do it?
At school girls were in trouble if they whistled.

sashh

That's awful did you involve the police? I hope she or your ex paid for the damage at least.

Ooh remembered another one. I had been on-line gaming for years before I met the dickhead ex, and was good mates with a few of my guild. One of these guys mate N, quite a bit younger than me, was doing a similar job & we used to chat about it.

Told the ex not to bother to call me on the house phone one evening because I was going for a drink after work with mates N and H, one of the other gaming guys who was visiting the area. Ex gets all upset that I'm going to shag N, H or both (there was zero attraction on either part). I said no, we would be talking work & gaming. Then he tried the "can't you go out with the girls from work if you want a drink?". The "girls" I barely knew & had nothing in common with. I then get the "it's not that i don't trust you, but I know what men can be like"! I suggested that maybe I was a good enough judge of character that I would be safe with 2 professional guys I'd known for years longer than him.

He sulked for weeks about that. After giving me loads of advice about travelling safely from London by public transport - I'd been commuting to London for around 30 years, he'd not been to London for nearly that long, and only about a dozen times in his life.

October 2017: ‘ I’m never getting married again. I’m never putting myself through this shit again’ screamed at top volume
June 2019: announces he’s marrying the new one and asks me to come to the wedding!?!?!?
Safe to say I am not going!

Accused me of being in love with one of my friends and actually drove me to the friends house and attempted to force me to go inside and 'tell him how I felt'... (I was not even the slightest bit attracted to this person let alone secretly in love with him)

Oh God, my first partner used to do something similar. He'd get pissed most nights and start shouting at me (I never bothered arguing back because I was really young and scared of fuelling it.) He was obsessed with one of my male friends, convinced I loved him, and would keep me up until 4am sometimes screaming about him. He'd always threaten to ring him, saying "Let's get X round here then, see what he has to say for himself," and I genuinely believed he would. He never did, usually passed out before he got round to it, but my whole body turned to jelly through fear every time :( I used to try and pretend to be asleep under the duvet, and he'd accuse me of pretending just so he'd go to sleep, then I could sneak out with X, so he'd sit at the window watching for cars pulling up in case it was him coming to pick me up.

I swear, it feels like my current DP was sent to me from God as a fucking apology for that fuckwit, he's the most lovely, gentlest man I've ever met!.