The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

My exH.. ‘being physically close to you makes me feel sick.’ When I tried to initiate sex on our wedding night as it was a special occasion he said ‘if we must’.

Inadvertently of course, my next partner after I left my husband was a sex addict. When we only had sex twice a week instead of every day after I’d had a pretty traumatic birth of our child, that was one of the reasons he was forced to have an affair! He told me this when our son was 6 months old, but I since found out his affair had been going on for years!

More lightheartedly, I’ve now been single for years but I did go on a couple of dates last year. I was talking about my small business and how I’m pleased I can pay myself a wage each month. My date scoffed at me and said ‘I think you’ll find that’s called money laundering!’

'You used me to have kids'
We had a LOT of icsi IVF for his male factor fertility problems
after he refused to consider adoption as he wanted 'his own kids'
He then failed to bond with his Ds as he 'thought there might have been a mix up in the clinic'. When i got pg with Dd (again, agreed, paperwork signed in triplicate by both of us for more IVF) he said at 8 weeks pg, 'Ive changed my mind, you need to have a termination'.
I said NO.
Both kids have autism. They are both amazing but the early teen years are hard work as well as wonderful. He sees them each weekend 'but just for a bit as its very tiring'. Well, yes...

My ex husband said that my c-section wasn't a major operation and that once the outside was healed it's all good and they were exaggerating about not lifting or driving for 6 weeks

Same ex husband said, my wife has died, erm that's me, no she went into hospital and you came out with that (our son)

That I should count myself lucky he married me despite my tattoos (2 small ones, 1 on thigh, 1 on back).... oh I was so lucky to marry a controlling nut job. I now have lots more and my partner loves them all and me

"she's thinner than you but your tits are still better" when asked why he 'accidentally' slept with another woman?

Oh I've just thought of another corker:

"Its your own fault you were raped (prior to meeting him) because you got with a 'insert racist term for Asian people' ."

And I couldnt spend a night at my friends house with her, her husband and four kids because he was convinced her husband would come down and shag me. I was just good friends with both of them, towards the end of the relationship when I couldnt be in the house with him, I would often turn up at their doorstep crying.

Looking back I should have kicked him to the curb at lot sooner

I think it’s odd that You’ve not invited me to your wedding? Err no, I thinks it’s weird you want to come to your ex wife’s wedding 🤣

Mumtotwo good answer!

I was dim enough to want to ‘stay friends’ with my ex. He dumped me. He’d met someone else -all’s fair and all that as we’d been over for some time. But we met up socially some months down the line when I’d also met someone else. I mentioned this to him, his face was 😡 and he announced ‘I assumed after a certain length of time I’d get back together with you.’ Yep, cos I’d sit round waiting?!

Things he didn't like me doing included telling a funny anecdote if he had already heard it even if the person I was telling it to hadn't.

When ex told me after 19 years that he didn't love me any more, moved into ds1's bedroom (which took some explaining to a 4 year old) and then a couple of days later begged me for sex "afterwards you can hate me forever" I just laughed in his face. The only thing that made me smile about the whole sorry saga.

Talking about fancing himself a convertible while were meant to be having a romantic picnic " can you just imagine roof down with a beautiful blonde by your side with the wind in your hair"
I'm brunette 😂 I answered, "yes i would like that although I dont mind what hair colour the man would be!" We broke up not long after this! He never did get a convertible and is completely bald now 😆

Oh god I just remembered a really depressing one that is actually laughable now but heartbreaking at the time.

In bed, proper chatting and cuddling after marathon sex session. Felt totally blissed out, he brushed one of my curls behind my ear and gazed at me adoringly, then said:

"I wish I could love someone as much as you love me".

My poor little heart just sank, that relationship was never ending drama but many lessons learned!

"Is that the telly on? Are you home? Why aren't you out?" - his weekend with dc.
Apoplectic with rage that I was home, alone, at 10pm. It went against the narrative that I was out getting wasted, snorting coke and copping off with random men, you see.

"Where is he hiding?" - dragging me across to the playground adjacent our house.
I'd gone to my dsis 21st meal, leaving him with the dc. He told me not to be late and come straight back from the restaurant.
When I complied, he decided that I'd used the meal as an alibi and must have been shagging someone in the park.

I had a super extremist christian boyfriend when I was in school (I have no idea how because I was only vaguely 'christian' then and I am definitely not christian now). When we broke up, he told me he realised he couldn't date me anymore because I 'didn't believe in a literal interpretation of the bible'. I actually laughed. It's totally the most justified reason anyone has ever broken up with me (I, in fact, do not believe the bible is the actual literal truth about anything). Sadly, I found out after the fact that he is probably gay (he got caught making out with another guy on several different occasions). His family and his church are very homophobic. He is now a pastor in a fundamentalist church with a wife and like five kids.

"D'ya reckon owls can fly"? 🙄

Your fat body makes me feel physically sick (I was a size 10).

"Can you lend me twenty quid? I want to take XXXXX (the woman he'd been having an affair with and had just left me for) out and I'm skint."

I'm ashamed to admit that for the first and last time in my fifty-plus years I resorted to violence. I hauled off and I punched him as hard as I could.

That I had ' fallen lucky' when I informed him I was entitled to half his pension after 23 years of marriage the day after he walked out.

Said he hasn't been happy for the past 17 years. In front of our daughter who was 16 at the time. Hurt me all you want but to say you've never been happy since your daughter was born in front of her made me so angry.

Called me a selfish bitch for asking for a divorce when he rang me at work, in tears, to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant - apparently her doctor had told her she couldn’t get pregnant! (She managed to do it again a couple of years later too!)

Then begged me to take him back saying he’d force her to have an abortion.

Wouldn’t sign the divorce petition until their son was nearly 9 months old, saying he didn’t want to let me go.

Called their son by the name I had ‘chosen’ as one I would like to call a son, so I could take over being his mother!!!

I’m now very happily married for 16 years with two children of my own (neither called by that name!!!) and two beautiful step-daughters!

@cushioncovers

He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon.

Brilliant!!! I want to see what else was in the notebook

It's heartening to hear people have left what seem to be incredibly deluded waste of space partners. And sobering that there are so many.

God. I wouldn't know where to start.
Him saying Sorry constantly which apparently meant it didn't matter what he did wrong, that would absolve him of responsibility. I just kept saying I don't want you to say Sorry. I want you to stop doing (whatever it was)

Me asking him how the hell he ended up in 30k of debt at age 24, when his parents were rich and still paid him allowance into his bank account, yet he went bankrupt and repeatedly said "I don't know how it happened, HoneyandSpice I just don't know"
Err yeah you do. You have gambling problems, alcohol problems and are an entitled, rich manchild. Without the man bit.

When questioned about why he didn't come home from work to me and our 6 week old child after work he said he had been taking (a very young and pretty) colleague to see her dying mother in hospital!

He told me he had a present for me. Rang me at work and told me I should get really excited about it. It was an empty wine box. He worked in a wine shop at the time. He asked me for weeks afterwards if I liked my 'present' (My Mum witnessed this. It is now folklore in our circles. People still don't believe us!)

He asked me, when we finally split up if I could pop to the shops and buy him some trendy new underpants / boxers as he was going to be a new single man about town...

He asked constantly if people were 'downs'
Just people we spoke to at the pub etc.
He knew my sister had very severe downs syndrome. He knew she'd died at age 29 tragically. He knew the song we played at her funeral. He knew it triggered emotional memories for me. He played that song all the time. Kept forgetting it was emotional for me. He asked me when our daughter was 9 months old if she had downs. She didn't. There was no need for him to think that. Never mind the fact it would have been picked up on way before being 9 months old.

Christ this has just reminded me how bad he was. I still struggle with him now. I have had a terrible time wondering if there is something very wrong with him and actually wanting to fuck off to another country with DD. She's nearly 8 now. Was 18 months when we split up. She's starting to realise he's a bit of a weird fucker. His parents and sister are exactly the same. Massively dysfunctional. Absolutely no self awareness. Total narcissists

You'd look good if you went to the gym and toned up. I was a size 8 with not a pick of fat on me told him he was shit in bed and slightly insane and didn't see him again after that. I think he felt he had to take me down a peg or two because I was so confident and he felt threatened, he was just that kind of guy, used to date much younger women who seemed vulnerable/insecure. Probably made him feel like more of a man, the weirdo

It's scary isn't it, how abusers like these are all so similar? Same lines, same behaviours. It's like they all read it from the same textbook!

I just can't understand why they do it? Why they need to control like that, and how the fuck it gets in to their heads in the first place?

My ex husband told me if I ever got with a black man he would report me to social services....... yes really!!!! 🤣🤣🤣.