The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

I’ve read this entire thread and I never realised there were so many men who went to the same school of utter fuckwittery as my ex. Fortunately for me the trash took itself out but one of my worst moments was when I’d broken my arm and was in plaster from shoulder to wrist. He was watching me trying to change DDs nappy one handed with a sinister and cruel smile on his face. He said “you’re even more fucking useless now than you ever were, I’m not staying any more” and pushed me over on to my front. Fortunately he didn’t and my DCs (now in their late teens) have no memory of their abusive father. Hugs to all you ladies out there that have had to endure cruelty from the person they thought loved them the most.

FUCK ME...I am so glad I am single now........And after reading this thread, and having my own lovely, wonderful experiences with men, I am staying single lol

Have you thought about going blonde? I’ve just always wanted a blonde girlfriend.

• I am a life long brunette. This gem offered up after 4 years together. He dumped me shortly afterwards and found said blonde girlfriend in swift succession. Good riddance.

"Your household management skills are ineffective."

😐

Whist walking in on me going to the toilet and getting told to f off "why can't I watch you anyone would think you're my girlie"

"You are too stupid to get promoted" (since been promoted twice)

"You are too fat to run" (now done 5 marathons at sub 4h)

"'m waiting for the fast train so I can jump in front of it."

"Its really easy to cheat in (profession) loads of people do it but you can trust me" (repeatedly which started sounding like a stealth boast so I looked on his computer and found home made videos of him and numerous other ladies and nudes of me I hadn't consented to.

Wish I'd left sooner. Arsehole.

I,have rights to your body we’re married. This said 3 weeks after me giving birth and him thinking I’m having sex regardless. The knee in the nuts soon sorted that out sadly I didn’t leave when I should of. Took another few year to escape. At our daughters wedding he comes up and goes we could of made it er no ta this was 26 years later.

"You can't just make the unilateral decision to break up with me, that's not how relationships work. It has to be mutual. You're to come back and discuss this, and we'll manage the dissolution [he actually said this!] in the following way:"

There followed a 3,000 word essay, with numbered and bullet-pointed sections, on how a mutual break-up would work if that was the course of action we chose. All this after he shoved me into a wall because I wouldn't agree to a lifetime rule where I only ever walked on his left. (Also laughable!)

I'm your husband I have a right to touch parts of you.

Both of us suffering from D&V. You can look after the kids because you don't look as ill as I feel

Not funny but the thing that always stuck with me

Him: im going to kill you
Me: Really? Come round and i’ll Give you the knife cause I’m sick of you threatening me
Him: you what? What are you talking about I’ve never threatened to kill you, your mad it’s all in your head

Needless to say we found out shortly after he was an absolute psycho who tried to kill himself, ended up in court having his child contact removed and a restriction order on coming near our home.... Exes who’d have them 🙈

Your thighs are too long, I think we should explore surgery.

My ex told me that our dd had attachment issues because I was upset after he left me.

Well, quite.

Oh yes, recent XP - 'are you going out in your pyjamas?' (I was wearing yoga pants)...

Slimey how dare you be ill!

Sorry to hear that i hope the future is a better for you @RoyalChocolat

After I woke up in intensive care having been put into a drug induced coma following a HUGE asthma attack.. ‘You should apologise to my mother for this (the asthma attack)selfish behaviour’

I can't remember it word for word but this guy I saw for a few months refused to accept that most women need some foreplay to help climax and there be something wrong with me because every woman he had ever been with before me had no problems climaxing with him (just banging away in missionary style.) The discussion arose out of his discomfort with the fact that I was honest about not climaxing with him and explaining why, after that I realised that his previous partners had likely been faking their orgasims. It's not as though he was an young inexperienced guy, we were both in our thirties!

We mutually ended things right after that, me so I that I could find a man who was fun and giving in bed (my DH ) and him so he could presumably find a partner who wasn't defective and requiring foreplay (or fun... )

@GabsAlot I am not offended

I have asked for advice on the Relationships board a few times, following various "incidents". The answer was always a unanimous LTB. I guess I am a coward.

I am trying to work on my self-esteem.

A couple of weeks ago, at the dinner table, he told our 4 DCs "I have never been in love", so I doubt our marriage can be saved.

No offence meant @royalchocolat but why?

There are so many
I’m only going to fix her car (woman he’d admitted to having an affair with but it was over)
Nobody else will ever want you
The gin and tonic on the receipt was for the barmaid
The condoms found in his briefcase he was looking after for a colleague who was having an affair and didn’t want his wife to see them
You won’t get anything from sale of house cause your name isn’t on mortgage (my solicitor put something on the land registry which meant he couldn’t sell it without agreeing to a settlement with me

A lot of things!
'No I'm not seeing someone else'
'She's a good friend.'
'You're jealous of all my female friends.' (With good reason, it turns out)
'You don't understand me or my music.' (DSis and I refer to him as The Lone Groover.)
'We didn't start seeing each other til after we'd seperated.'
'You wanted me to leave.'
All his particular brand of bullshit, I wish her joy, the silly moo married him!

"It's a partners duty to keep themselves looking attractive for each other, there's no excuse to let yourself go after having a baby" - said whilst he was overweight and prior to us even trying for a kid

Using my name as a verb for getting things wrong i.e Oh no you've really SheilasFeeled this up haven't you. After negotiation he agreed to only do this when I burnt food.

Called me stupid a couple of times even though he knows that's the one insult that really upsets me.

Told me that, after he'd achieved his career goal, it wouldn't be fair for him to be the main breadwinner while I pursued my lifelong goal of getting a PhD. Instead, I should get a 'little part time job' so I could be around for the kid and would bring in enough to cover extras like getting a cleaner and going on holiday.

"No one will love you like I do"
"You look like shit, put some make up on before we go out"
Can't remember the exact wording but something along the lines of "Yes I know that I cheated on my last DP with this woman, but she is just a friend so I don't see the issue with meeting her for a drink later"
after meeting said woman for a drink "My friends saw us out in town and thought we were a couple by how close me and her were"
(when we were still in college) "I missed my bus so you need to miss your first class to drop me at college".
"Yes I flirted with her last night, but it was via messages so it doesn't count"
"Your mum is a fucking psychopath for warning you about my behaviour"
"You shouldn't take that new job, I don't care if it's better paid, you'll meet lots of new guys there and it will impact our relationship badly"
(After he broke up with me) "My friends convinced me to leave you, but you should still have sex with me, no feelings involved though"

....fuck, reading these back, I was an idiot to be with him for so long! Sorry, I feel like I had some emotional baggage to release :(

All this obsession with calling women “fat”! It comes up again and again.

I'll skip the most hurtful ones, but here are some that I laugh about :

• Women who wear make-up have no self-respect.
• A woman has nothing to do outside the house after 6PM.
• You don't work, you sit on a chair (I'm a teacher)
• "I don't hate women but..."

(I am still married to him)