The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

“No one else will ever want you because your fat and out of shape” said he who is 11 years older than me and much more ‘out of shape’. He’s now with a woman who is very large 😐 (I’m a size 10).

'I dont want her watching this shit, she will turn lesbian or something'.

My STBXH when he saw our 17 month old dancing to Rupaul Drag Race opening theme...last week.
Yes. In 2019

Don't leave me... I can change!!!

😂😂😂😂

After I threw him out, "I know I did all those things but I was getting ready to change but you are only interested in breaking up the family!"

All "those things" included running up £1000's worth of debt that I have been left to pay. Going out to work and not returning for up to five days after "just going for a beer" multiple times, being repeatedly unfaithful with multiple women, pawning household goods when I was away the weekend with our children.

Not as bad as these but I did receive a text from my boyfriend telling me it wasn't working between us and that I should take some time and not bother going to work tonight. (He lived rent free with his mummy whereas I worked to pay my rent and bills so just not working for the night would have dropped me in the financial shit)
I didn't notice the text message before I went to work but certainly "got the message" when I walked into the pub I was working in and found him on a date. Thankfully my job involved going round to all the pubs in that area so after I saw him I headed off to the next place and pretended I didn't give a shit. He was no great loss but I was irritated at his arrogant cunty behaviour.

He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon

I think that's the funniest thing I've ever seen on Mumsnet!

An ex is musician, horrid ex was jealous of him (he had no reason to be).

Watching random TV show, ex’s music is being played in the background of the show. Horrid ex “you’ve forced me to watch this to rub that horrid little slag in my face” i had to start watching the TV on mute with subtitles on. Funnily enough one of his songs came on when I was watching strictly with my boyfriend last night, it still filled me with fear and genuine surprise that nothing bad came of it.

I earned more than him, every now and again this would annoy him and he would go on a massive rant about not being a rent boy and even if he was there wasn’t enough money in the world for him (or anyone) to have sex with me.

I was sexually assaulted in my early twenties, we were watching a tv show where someone was raped and he said “I bet you enjoyed when he did it to you” I completely lost it and beat him up. Thankfully I finally chucked the wanker out after that little gem.

"Babies are like puppies, they keep eating even when they're full so you need to stop giving (4 week old) DS so many bottles because you'll make him spoilt"

After he said he wanted a divorce to 'find himself', after I found out he was actually leaving me for a family member he had been having an affair with and finally moved out, he wanted to come back to the house while I was out to 'pick up his stuff' (he'd already taken his stuff and any of my stuff he could get away with). When I said no, he said 'i'd like to think after 25 years you'd trust me' I nearly pissed myself laughing. He really couldn't understand why I didn't. I had to point out that he hadn't really proved himself trustworthy recently...

This week,
"I can't pay my £50 a week child support (3 months behind) becuase my business turned over £85 thousand - it was all materials and labour, no profit. And i had to register for vat and pay £4k. So I can't pay you anything. Anyway, I've a got (DS1 lviing with me now he's 17) so it needs to reduce to £35 a week for the other 2".

Still better than the £7 a week he sometimes paid me, for 2 years, after he left me pregnant with 3 children under 5. He was in full time profssional employment at the time. Fucking CSA.

You look too dressed up for where we are going.
You look ridiculous in heels.
Your gym leggings are obscene and everyone is staring.

Wasn’t allowed to wear lipstick because it scared him apparently

“I’ll ask you to marry me if you will have a threesome with X”

I neither wanted to get married or have a threesome

That bumble bees were not bees.

Thought of another from someone I saw for about two months.

“Who’s looking after the kids tonight” on every date we went on, usually after I’d had a couple of glasses of wine and was relaxed.

I have one daughter, who was 19 at the time. He’d never met her obviously, and thus decided I was liar had had more, and younger kids.

Not sure which bit annoyed me the most, that he thought I was a liar, or he thought I was so stupid that if I had been lying I’d have fallen for such a lame trap.

I was severely depressed, "you don't care about how you being depressed makes me look, you're so selfish"

Oh and my favourite, I don't need to pay for DD because I'm there for her emotionally.
Because emotions put food in her belly and shoes on her feet

My dad says I have to go home (back to Australia). Can you give me the airfare?

🙄

"you'll never find another man like me"

that's the hope demon dick
now off you fuck

"Women shouldn't play football & cricket 'cause they are MENs sports". Denied he was being sexist by saying that. 2 hours later phoned to say "I spoke to both X and Y (both men) and they explained how well the international teams are doing, so maybe they should be allowed to play". Couldn't understand why I considered that even MORE sexist.

Shortly after, after I dumped him for that reason and a few others, he calls asking if we can have sex because it was so good between us (it was good, until i lost all respect for him then I couldn't bear him touching me). When i said no I didn't want to, he said "well can't you just do it for me?". That was a no from me then.

A couple of months later, he calls out of the blue. He has a new GF, but they have no-where to have sex due to living arrangement. Can he borrow my house to have sex withhis new GF while I was at work?

Cheating made me realise how much I cared about you 🤨

As we was breaking up -
'You will never find someone like me' Errr fingers bloody crossed I dont!
And also, 'no one will ever fuck you like I do' ...He was shite in bed and I'd faked it 99% of the time.
He was a big headed tosser!

You’re not really ill, as I came round from life saving surgery.

‘Everyone says/does that (insert whatever I was complaining about to him)’. It was his favourite line whenever I pulled him up on anything. I don’t think he would have actually dared to tell anyone what he was like, not that I gave a shit about what his lowlife mates said anyway, they were mostly divorced and in the local pub every night ( I wonder why!).

Yeah right, everyone brings drugs into the house where toddlers could find it.

Everyone also does nothing around the house and sits around in their pants in the living room 🤮

Everyone also gets tanked during the day and hides the evidence.

Everyone comes home drunk and wakes their wife up at 2am for an argument.

I think not. Happiest I’ve ever been now, and although his fuckwittery still enters my life on a regular basis, I just let it remind me I did the right thing!

My ex asked me how my relationship with X was going. What relationship, I asked. The one with X at work of course - had he left his wife?

Er... what? What relationship? Just...... What???!!!

Turned out that one of the (many) reasons my first marriage broke up was that exDH genuinely believed I was having an affair with my boss. For some reason, he never thought to mention it at the time.